Marriages to Foreign Men

Hello J.,

Like Araceli, I am the foreigner in our marriage. Te cultural differences are not as big as they could be (I'm English), but they have caused many "discussions" throughout our marriage. We don't agree on everything, like the best way to do things, how to discipline the children, even things like how to furnish the home, and what to eat, but we always try to talk it out. When I first moved to this country it was hard for me to be away from my family, and everything I was used to. We've been married for 18 years now and have 4 children, so we did manage to overcome our differences! Things still come up, but as long as we are open to each other, and keep the communication going, I know we'll be OK. I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but I'd be happy to stay in touch if you would like. Best of luck to you both.

S.

Wow...this thread is chock full of stereotypes.

My father is Lebanese. He emigrated here in'72. He met my mom, married, and I was born in '74. I have three sisters.

I'll speak to some of the good things about being raised in a mixed family:

1. Hard work. My father has appreciated every day and every opportunity of being able to make a living in the US. Lebanon has been full of strife for many years. Having a peaceful place to raise a family has kept my dad from missing his family in Beirut so much. In my experience, seeing his work ethic has enriched my life.

2. Culture. I know what it's like to be the "different" one. My dad's name sure isn't Smith. But, I'm more open to new things, new foods, and more sensitive to those from other cultures. God made us all different for a reason...it's so we can learn and appreciate each other.

Now, for the harder stuff.

1. Marriage. My dad is definitely "Old World." While he is Christian, many Lebanese still hold to old norms for women: modest dress, domestic duties, and obedience. I'm sure there are times my mom had a hard time with the expectations he had for her.

2. Morality. Dad ran a strict ship with us: curfews, dating boys, even the move from HS to college. He expected us to follow his edicts blindly, which caused some big conflicts. In hindsight, I appreciate the boundaries he made for us.

As for safety, I don't think my dad ever threatened to take us away. Lebanon is more open than other Middle East countries, so I'm not sure what the "rules" would have been even if he tried. My memories of our only trip there in '83 are some of my all-time favorites. I am so proud of my heritage.

Mom and Dad are still married, 36 years later. Sure, it's been a long road for them, but aren't all marriages? I think the big key is that c word: communication.

J., I have a friend who married a man from the Middle East and had a son with him. When she got home one day she discovered he had left and taken their child. She has not been able to get her son back nor even communicate with him since his father took him. His mother and sister are now raising her son in their country (or at least that is what she has been told) and she has lost hope of ever seeing him again. She tried lawyers and going the diplomatic route and nothing worked. She is heartbroken and so sad all the time. She prays that when he is grown her son will try to find her but we all suspect he may be so indoctrinated by that then that he may not. I wish you luck, especially if you decide to have children.

My aunt married a man from Turkey, whom she met on the internet. They spent several months talking on the phone (3 maybe?) and then she flew out there for 2 weeks, during which time they were married. Several months later, he got his VISA and was able to come here. She is miserable, and wishes he would just go back to Turkey. But the problem, in my opinion, is not that he is from a foreign land. The problem is that they didn't spend enough time getting to REALLY KNOW one another. It takes time to get past the tendency to put your best foot forward, and early in a relationship, both sides are usually willing to "give up" their preferences. But as time goes by, we all want to do what we want to do. The "charades" of trying to impress someone early in a relationship eventually end, and if you're already married at that point, it's much more difficult to walk away than it would be if you were still just getting to know one another. So ... take your time. Get to know ALLLLLL about him and DON'T just jump in, based on the positive reports you may get from other women who've married men from foreign lands. Don't marry him based on the idea that you can learn to live with him. Marry him if you discover you can't live without him. : )

Hi J.! I am also married to a foreigner from Southeast Asia (Pakistan) and we are going on our 15-year anniversary! It has worked very well for us, but it also depends on the individual and their family background. The only drawback could be religion and religious upbringing for your children. My husband is muslim and I am christian; however, neither one of us is extremely religious (unfortunately). :(

There are many good experience and positive experience people have had with inter-cultural marriages. Just ensure that your husband is true to you and your relationship. Many foreigners are looking for a green card, as you are well aware, I'm sure.

Also, I have been to Pakistan 5 times since we've been together and his family treats me like a princess! My husband is also a great father to our daughter - I even travel for work (many overnight trips) and he is the best Mr. Mom ever!

Communication is key! It's hard work but it's very rewarding. I hope it works out for you!

I J., I am married to a foreign man, and like every marriage we have our ups and downs. Like many of the ladies have said the key is communication and understanding. I also think you need to do your own research on him and his family (culture and religion), because that can influence him in the long run especially when you have children. My husband is from N. Africa and we have two wonderful kids. We just went to see his family and everybody was wonderful. If you want to e-mail me to talk feel free. I may have some friends who are married to a man from your hubby's country.

Hi there J., 15 years ago I met, fell in love and married my hubby who is half German and half English. I fell in love with him because of his differences and especially his British accent :), but now having been married for over 13 years it's those differences that we argue about the most. But I still wouldn't trade him for the world, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am proud to say, the best husband. He could definitely use some work in the 'father' department though, but was unfortunately raised in a very strict, mainly Bavarian German household and wasn't really shown the love a child needs so it's hard for him to show that to our children. His parents had a great relationship so I guess that is what he learned and brought into our marriage. For me, the hardest thing of our marriage together was leaving the States to move to Germany, since my husband is in the German Air Force. We have been here going on 11 years now. But hope to one day return back to Texas for good. J., whatever your thoughts or concerns are with your marriage I wish you luck and much happiness. I totally agree with Areceli, she definitely had some good points to add. God Bless!!

J.,
I'm not married to a foreign man, but we are from two different cultures. We do some things different, it's really hard as an adult when you think you are right and another adult thinks their way is right, it's hard to say "we are both right". You have to make compromises when you are married... Marriage is hard and anyone who says it isn't, well they are living in a fairytale. You'll have good times and bad ones, but that's usually what you knew you were getting into when you took those vows.
Give your marriage a chance, go to counseling, but mostly PRAY, and Pray together...
God Bless YOU and your marriage!

I know someone whose sister married a man from the Middle East and it did not turn out well! They had two children then wound up in a horrible divorce and the children were pawns I those kids are now a bit messed up because of it all. So sad. It is because his culture believes women are subservient to men. She was really worried at one point that he would try to take the children back to Iran and then she'd never see them again.

All I can say is know what his beliefs are. If he feels strongly towards the culture he grew up in, that may be a big issue. If, however, he is more Americanized (and being honest about it to his family) then I think you'll have better success.

I think anytime a couple is from different cultural backgrounds, it will lead to challenges in their relationship. The greater the cultural differences, the greater the challenges. I think having similar values and morales is very important when deciding on a mate. That being said, I don't think it is at all impossible to make these relationships work. You would be the best judge as to whether or not your differences are too great. Listen to your instincts, don't dismiss them. They will either give you the courage to work on any problems that come up in your marriage or give you the courage to end it. Good Luck! I see you've gotten a lot of responses from women married to men from the Middle East or nearby. I hope they will help you find the info. you are seeking. Isn't Mamsource great!

It depends on whether he married you for something real "love" or just to obtain citizenship. I've been married to a foreigner, it started out as real. But after making a baby and marriage, then he changed. I didn't know who he was anymore. It sure wasn't the man i feel in love with. He was foreign to me then. He got very comfortable and adapted to the american ways, which aren't good ones. So I immediately left him. I sure wasn't going to file for no citizenship, green cards, etc with him. So after leaving him, he remained married to me for three years. Though we were separated. Then he tried to get me to file for him. This was a joke. So everyone experience with foreigners but just make sure that its for the right reasons otherwise drop em'.

I am married to an Egyptian man. While he is extremely sweet and loving he is also totally selfish and probably the laziest man I know. What kind of info are you looking for?

Hello J. -

I am not married to a foreign man, but I dated a man from Morroco for a few years. He was sweet and funny and very "Americanized". But, I could tell from the way he talked, that many (if not most) of his lifestyle was completely hidden from his parents and other family members back "home". He was living a lie with his American ways, because it was completely against what would be expected by his family.

Another thing to consider is this (AND I AM, IN NO WAY, SAYING THAT ALL FOREIGN MEN WOULD DO THIS!) I know of two friends who had their children abducted by their husbands. One friend even flew from the US to Saudi Arabia with her husband and two children, supposedly to visit his family. When they landed at the airport, just like in the movies, two cars drove up to the plane and her husband grabbed the children, jumped into the back of one car and drove away. She never saw her children again. Saudi Arabian law says that only men have legal rights regarding the children and she had no rights in their eyes, no matter how much she tried to fight it. Even the US Embassy was unable to do anything about it, or even locate her kids....

My mother warned me about the issues that I would possibly be facing, if I married a middle eastern man. She explained, not about him in particular, but about the culture in general.... Women are treated like property and have no rights. And, she loved my boyfriend. She just didn't want me to marry him.

Anyway, like I said, I'm not intending to lump all middle eastern men into one big category. I'm just telling you my particualr experiences.

Hope this helps!

K.

Hi J.,
I am the one with a different culture than my husband. We have so many differences that we just love it! A marriage is like a job, we have to give and take. We have our bad moments but so many good ones that it is so worth it!
I'm sure your husband has different ideas about marriage being from the Middle East, but he married you for who you are. Communication is the base for every marriage so, whatever is bothering you just tell him. Yes, cultures have a lot to do, but there are so many inter-cultural marriages that have worked so well, so keep your hopes up and good luck!

The more things that are different, the harder it is to find common ground in a marriage. I have two cousins married to Middle Eastern men. One was married before to another man from Iran. He beat her, knocked her down a stairs while she was pregnant. She finally left him and got a divorce. Many years later she met and married another man from Iran. The big difference between the two is her 2nd husband was a committed Christian BEFORE she met him, totally westernized and living a normal life. The other cousin's husband is a very successful builder and wouldn't give up the big bucks to move back to his country of origin for anything! The same rules apply if you marry an American. The more differences there are, the more problems you'll face. Love just doesn't matter when you are miserable. The best advice I ever got was "When trouble comes through the door, love flies out the window." I've been married long enough to know that it the truth!

Hi J.

I am also married to a foreign man, but in our case, I am the "foreigner" since we are living in Norway. My husband is Norwegian, I am American. We have been married 9 1/2 years, and it has been very difficult, particularly the first 5-6 years because of cultural differences. We now have a new baby, and again the cultural problems are popping up again - he is so traditional (wants me to stay at home, take care of house & kids, make all the meals, etc while he works then comes home and sits around doing nothing). He is a good man in many ways, but I will admit that there are times when I wish I had married an American with the same values as myself.

On the other hand, my sisters have both married foreigners as well (South Africa, Brasil and half-Korean) and there is no doubt that I have the best and most "normal" marriage. My mother also married a foreigner, a Hungarian man (my father) and they have had a good marriage that has lasted nearly 46 years.

I think that often it has to do with the individual, as much as the cultural differences. Please feel free to ask questions if you have any.

Hi J.,

I am not married to a non-American but my sister was married to a man from Mexico for about five years (we are caucasian). My sister and her husband had one daughter that is now about to turn 14. Unfortunately, as you can tell, their marriage did not survive. There were personality issues (mainly on my sister's side) but much of their problems stemmed from the cultural differences. My ex brother-in-law didn't know how difficult it would be to marry outside of his culture and not have a "traditional" wife like his mother was. Happily, they are both remarried, my sister to an American and my ex brother-in-law found his traditional wife that is also Mexican.

I am married to a "resident alien". My husband is from Ireland so our cultural differences are not as obvious as yours might be. But they were there. He was definitely not "American" and I definitely am. We have worked through it in the 13 years we have been together. I'm not exactly sure what you are asking about though. If you have a more specific question I would be happy to elaborate in any way I can.

My Best friend Married a man from the Middle East and it was not fun for her. His family wouldnt except her, even refused to meet her because she was white. They were happy the first year or so but once they had kids things changed. He got very controlling and his family started wanting him to come home and bring the child but not the wife. His father had 6 wives. As do most traditional Middle Eastern men. They even threatened to disown him at one point. Once she decided to divorce him the threats from his entire family came with saying they were going to take her son. She went through a lot of red tape to make sure he couldnt get a passport and that he wasnt allowed to go anywhere out of the country without her signature and a judges approval. It took about 2 yrs of fighting him but the dad hasnt been heard from in about a year. I honestly wouldnt recommend being with someone whos culture is so different from your own.

Being married to a foreign man and being married to a Middle Eastern are 2 different things.