18 answers

Marriage Woes

Hello, I've been married 11 years and have 2 kids ages 8 & 4. My husband and I are having problems that mainly revolve around the lack of communication that we've had for the past few years. It was compounded while building a house and having our 2nd child. I am a stay at home mom. The miscommunication is equally our faults. I am the type of personality that bottles things up. He is the opposite. He cannot see my side of most things lately - especially when coming to major decisions and also his overbearing mother. I have tried too many times to count to have a decent relationship with her, to no avail. He wonders why I don't want sex. Has anyone been through something like this and see the light of day? I do not want my marriage to fail. He gets over things very quickly and then wants to be affectionate - I would rather drive stakes through my heart than to do anything affectionate when we've had an argument. I am open to counseling and he is as well. Just wanted to hear from someone else that I'm not alone I guess. Thanks so much.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I am in the same boat. I won't read that book "the proper care and feeding of husbands" because I do EVERYTHING... around the house, with the kids, AND I work full time and make more money... so I think HE needs to step it up. I think there needs to be a book called "the proper care of wives" that my husband can read! haha! Maybe if he did more for me, I'd be more receptive.
I think I'm over my marriage though... I just want to be left alone at the end of the day (and the beginning). :) Good luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

you are NOT alone. As long as you both are willing to work on the marrage, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know some women on this site have a major problem with it (and with her in general), but I feel that is because they were not reading it with an open mind. They went into it expecting to be offended and you usually get what you expect if you know what I mean.

It's a great book for couples to read together. It will really help you to relate to your husband and it will teach you how to open him up to your needs as well.

Anyways, that's just my two cents. Hope things work out for you.

4 moms found this helpful

If you're the one with the heart, quite likely your husband is the abrupt logical one with his way of thinking - and not only that, men don't get it sometimes. That is why we marry opposite to ourselves because we want in the other person what we lack in ourselves and most times we start living with that person and that same thing we liked is what ticks us off. Whatever the issue was try to express in point/bullet form what you NEED from your husband, not how you FEEL. He doesn't understand that logic. If it's not a "project" for him to "fix" he will continue to brush it off. It would seem like it contradicts our being because we expect them to just know and do something, but most of them don't know, so we have to tell them and then in telling them we feel it's not worth it. So if you are hurt over a decision he made, don't focus on the hurt and the emotions surrounding it, focus on why that decision would not work for you and would cause more hurt. Try to release the feelings of resentment by telling him what bugs you so he knows. He can't change or fix what he doesn't know, and I know pouting around doesn't get much sympathy from men more than some hate to see us cry. So good luck on putting your needs up front and let him know .

3 moms found this helpful

Counseling is a great step, it saved my marriage. I would also read "The Proper care and feeding of Husbands". Although some of it seems outdated, it has some great advice and insight. If you are withholding sex altogether, than in his eyes you do not love him because men relate love to closeness. Why would a man want to be with a woman who treats him poorly and never shows him affection? To many of us (I was right where you are now) forget that we are still wives, even after we become mothers. We put our husbands last and just expect them to understand, knowing full well if they did the same to us it would be a deal breaker for sure! I was amazed at how our relationship improved when I stated treating him like he was a priority in my life, I once again became the center of his because he was happy, and then he started doing anything he could to return that favor and make me happy as well. Too often we sit there and wait, thinking they should show the first step, they should understand, they should...........and we wait ourselves right into a divorce.

3 moms found this helpful

I am in the same boat. I won't read that book "the proper care and feeding of husbands" because I do EVERYTHING... around the house, with the kids, AND I work full time and make more money... so I think HE needs to step it up. I think there needs to be a book called "the proper care of wives" that my husband can read! haha! Maybe if he did more for me, I'd be more receptive.
I think I'm over my marriage though... I just want to be left alone at the end of the day (and the beginning). :) Good luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

I used to be the same way, I was the type to bottle everything up and my husband was the opposite. I gave in one day and instead of bottling it up, expressed whatever was on my mind like my husband does. If the problem is miscommunication, and that's how it was for my husband and I, he said something that really made me just jump into expressing: "Don't you think there would be little to no miscommunication if we just openly talked to each other, got it all off our chests? I can't read your mind, nor you read mine and I'm always going to be "oblivious" if you don't say something." So, for me, it was an eye opener, I can't expect him to understand me if I don't say anything or quit early before explaining. Counseling helps too, the best council I'd say is God though. Try "giving in" to no not bottling anything up and just letting it out, but don't let it out on your husband, just to him...like don't take it out on him, just express yourself. And when he wants to be affectionate, just "give in" and give it a try. For my husband and I, most of the time, arguments start over a miscommunication and if we talk it out, we can easily find where everything went wrong and fix it or agree to disagree. Plus for me, being a military wife and all and not even that sometimes, I just keep in mind...tomorrow is not promised. Even when we have a full fall-out argument...I still make the effort because I truly feel it and mean it, to say I love you (even though I'm mad at you). At least if tomorrow when I woke up and he couldn't be by my side, I could say I got to say I love you to him.

He does the same thing, he's actually the one who first always says I love you after an argument.

2 moms found this helpful

I would suggest finding that counselor, but in the mean time, you can work on a few things to help yourself. I was like you for awhile and thought to myself one day, "What's the harm in saying exactly what's on my mind?"

My husband and I tell each other everything. If I'm mad at him, I tell him. If I'm not ready to talk about it, we take a break from each other and then talk about what's bugging us later.

Just keep in mind... 1) Men are simple creatures. 2) Hints NEVER work. 3) You have to say their name to get their attention. 4) You'll never change them. 5) Once something is resolved, don't bring it back up... They won't... They've forgotten about it hours later. 6) You have to explain, in detail, why you're upset and what the cause is, and what you expect to happen from now on. 7) Be honest with yourself... Are you being irrational? (I know I am many times) 8) Recognize the good things he does and comment on them. If you want recognition for what you do, realize he does too. The more you say "Thank you honey for...", the more likely you'll hear the same. 9) Write a list of things you expect from him. Little and big things. Ask him to do the same. Discuss these in a calm manner. Maybe both are thinking the other wants something different. 10) If you have an issue and you find that you want to keep it to yourself, don't. But do write it down... And let your husband read it. You'll be surprised at his reaction and how much better you'll feel.

Above all... Be honest with one another. Talk about things. What's the worst that could happen? You learn about each other?

Also... About his mother... Whatever it is, talk to him bluntly about it. And if you get nowhere with him about it, talk to her bluntly about it.

2 moms found this helpful

you are NOT alone. As long as you both are willing to work on the marrage, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

1 mom found this helpful

Read the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman--together. Its a great book.

1 mom found this helpful

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