Marriage Trouble

I went back and read your original post as this one did not really go into much detail and it seems to me from reading both posts that your issue is they want to spend time together – I am not sure how this is a problem. It seems selfish to me that you are absolutely not interested. They were his family before you were and you and he will want them to celebrate your daughter’s milestones and successes as the years go by, trust me on this. It is important for her to know al her family. From your descriptions, it does not seems that they are mean or spiteful or crazy or alcoholics or control freaks or in need of any mood altering medications….they are family – a family that he was close to before you came into the picture (and you had to know that if he and his sister were roommates at one point in their lives).

So you did not come from the same type of background. But you fell in love with him and chose to have a child with him and they have molded him into the man you fell in love with. If your issue is getting together for family birthdays at some point you either need to suck it up and go or let him and your daughter go if you are feeling overwhelmed by it all. But IMO you are only cheating yourself. To have him lie for you and to lie about your daughter’s health – I am not superstitious about much, but I never lie about my children’s health to get out of anything – not work, not parties, not other social obligations, nothing.
You say ”he hates to stand between his family and me, but isn't that his job?” No it is not – Grow up – you are an adult – if you don’t want to go fine, don’t go - or set limits – if you go and you are worried about messing up a nap schedule or a bed time routine or whatever say you will be here at this time and then you are leaving by this time to stick to a routine. I was VERY routine oriented when my oldest (now 10) was a baby but I also realized that breaking that routine even once a month to go do “special” events was not a bad thing.
My entire family lives here (now…my baby sister just moved home from KY with a brand new baby and her husband and we are all thrilled and soaking in the family time) – as does my husband’s. It makes holidays tricky ‘cuz we go everywhere every holiday. But we celebrate each of my BIL’s bdays with a party or at the very least a family dinner – then we also celebrate my parents’ bdays, both my sister’s bdays, mine, my husbands and my daughter’s…then of course there is his family celebrations….I take my girls to my parents neighborhood for Halloween and we go to my parent’s house at least every other week to go swim or just to stop by and say hello. Then Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter….you obviously don’t have to do all this – but some extended family time is a necessity and more than that a blessing…if not for you, for your daughter.
Oh and one more thing - you say also, "I'm tired of celebrating for his sister's kids. They still haven't really done anything that was any big deal" - SHAME ON YOU - they are children - how would you feel if they said that about any of your daughter's accomplishments that you feel are a "big deal". You just sound jealous of her children - like they are in competition with yours. Now that's petty.
I hope you can work this all out, keep going to counseling – it sounds as though you have some of your own childhood issues to work through and, as someone else said – if you expected to go into therapy and have the therapist say your right he’s wrong – that is an unrealistic expectation of counseling and it will never work. Remember your situation could be worse – he could come from a family of abusers, physical, mental, sexual, they could be drug dependent or just flat crazy and they do not seem to be any of the above. Count your blessings that you have people in your life who want to be an extended support system to you – you will appreciate that one day I promise you.

C.,
Ok, you've asked for advice, so here it is, like it or not. One, it sounds like you have a serious control issue, selfishness is your friend and perhaps a jealousy problem as well. At some point, you will have to start maturing. Since you have little ones, now is a good time. Please remember this always: The way you treat your inlaws is the way you will be treated by your children one day!!! They learn from You! And you will ask yourself one day, why do my children NOT want to visit me? The answer lies with your behavior at this very moment!
As a wife and a mother, you simply "suck it up!" Regardless of your belief that he should always put you first just because you are his wife, that is not true! If you are in the wrong, which you are, he would not be a good husband if he just gave in to your whims. As spouses, we are to be helpers to each other. He is trying to help you to be a better person and you are resisting his efforts. You are so self consumed that you can't see past your own wants.
You say he should be willing to lie for you - well be glad he doesn't want to! And you should be embarrassed that you would even ask him to. Be mature enough, that if you don't want to go, you will tell the truth yourself and explain to them that you don't believe it is necessary to attend each and every event. Not that you are right about that either. When you married your dh, you also married his family! Like it or not!! Stop being such a thorn in his side and asking him to pick between you and them - which is extremely childish.
You say you're tired of celebrating his sister's kids, I am sure you are no party to be around either. Don't be so jealous of them. Why else would you mind going?
Yes, it is totally terrible to say your child is sick when she isn't! That makes you a liar and you are doing it willingly? How does that make sense?
What else could you have done? TELL THE TRUTH!
And... here's a thought, put your selfish feelings aside and be kind enough to go and enjoy his family at every chance you can get.
By the way, counseling doesn't fix everything, it is meant to show You what You need to change and then equip You to make it happen.
I do believe this could eventually end your marriage, at least I believe that may be your intention (subconsciously). Did no one ever teach you that you may have to make certain sacrifices in life, for the sake of others?
The petty part of it lies on your end. And moving away will only bring a whole new set of issues.
Face your issues, and look at how YOU need to change and then do it and others will change where they need to in response to seeing a difference in you.
I may sound really harsh, but so do you...in a different way. And I am just telling you what your own parents should have told you long ago.
Only true friends/people you can trust, will be totally honest with you and tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Don't listen to those who candy coat or tell you what you want to hear - that path only leads to destruction!

Take Care,
T. (wife to a wonderful husband with a not so wonderful family, who I have chosen to love regardless of their shortcomings, for the sake of my marriage and my children learning how to live sacrificially loving others because of what Jesus Christ has done for us! Which, by the way, is the only way to true contentment in life)

You should never ask or expect your husband to lie for you. Have a little respect for him. Maybe at the next "invitation" if you absolutely cannot bring yourself to suck it up for an hour or two, you should just tell whoever is doing the inviting that you are not sure you are "up for it", that large family gatherings are stressful for you, but your husband may come.

It seems to me that long term, you are definitely endangering your marriage. My gut says that you just plain don't want to be "told" what to do and are digging in your heels over this issue to make some sort of point about who's in charge of what. If that is in fact your underlying issue, then you need to revise your rose-colored ideas about marriage. Marriage is a partnership. Neither of you is "boss". You both should be doing and giving for the other. Love is an action word. It means you DO things for each other. It means you put the other person's feelings ahead of your own. Love isn't some emotion that you feel all weepy or butterflies in your stomach.. that is kid stuff. Love means you suck it up for your husband's sake and you go to the family gathering. And not only do you go.. you make yourself enjoy it.. and you will if you do it with the right frame of mind.. that you are doing a loving act for your husband. Imagine what your time at home afterwards will be like.. no guilt, arguing over why you didn't go, no disappointment or accusing comments from your spouse... just him happy and grateful that you went FOR HIM.
If you keep your attitude in the right place, you will see this spill over back to you as he goes out of his way to do things that YOU will appreciate! And back and forth...

Or maybe you don't know how you fit into all the 'inside' jokes and stuff... the only way to carve out your own niche is to BE there. It can take some time.. but shared experiences... (putt-putt, badminton in the backyard, a burned pot-roast, or the cake that didn't turn out) are the best way to bond!!

My husband's extended family has always been a bit.. well.. complicated to deal with. But over the years (over 10 now and still counting) I have learned to laugh at and with them with my husband! I enjoy visits with them.. not that there is EVER a time that there isn't some sort of complication/stress factor... but when it is over with, our kids LOVE having spent time with them and I have too! It took some work on both my and my husband's part to get through it in the beginning. But reassurances on his part that I always came first helped alot. Just try (at almost all costs) to avoid making him choose. That is a triple-edged sword that everyone will suffer wounds from.

Give yourself a chance to make your own place in his family... they will love you for it, and so will your husband!

You said it yourself, it is so petty. You haven't given enough info for us to understand what it is about your husbands family that bothers you so. It sounds like you just don't like them and that is NOT a good reason to keep your husband and daughter from people who love them (and you).

Wow. First off you are ruining your marriage, not your husband. How can you ask your husband to choose between you and his family. No one should ever have to do that. Family is the most important thing you will ever have in your life. I have been married for 16 years, so my family is his, and his family is mine. We live 1500 miles from everyone now, and I miss the get togethers and birthdays Christmas, new years, thanksgiving.... We got together every Friday with his family for dinner and cards. And every Sunday at my mawmaws with my family for dinner and BSing. What in God's name could they have done that is so bad. MY LORD WOMAN they are willing to rearrange the event so you can attend. That is how much they want you and your husband to be part of it. You should thank your lucky stars you have people willing to be part of your life. If I see a post from you saying your husband is divorcing you over this I would not be surprised. Sad. So Sad.

When I was sick a few years back. I was really sick, dang near died. I spent months and months in the hospital and was under constant care by a nurse when I was out. I was connected 24/7 to a bag pumping meds and nutrition into me. Do you think I had FRIENDS that were around all the time, helping me, cleaning my house, mowing my grass??? Nope. It was family. his and mine. At the end of the day honey, family is all you got.

T.

Honestly my husband's family used to really irk me. They aren't really capable of much intelligent conversation, most of them are alcoholics (thankfully not violent ones), and really they are just cooky. I used to hate spending time with them, but then I realized, that I loved my husband MORE than I disliked them. So, I got over it, and now 4 1/2 yrs later, I actually enjoy going to see them. I agree with the other women here, that you need to realize it isn't about you. When you enter into a marriage you become a team. You are still your individual selves, but above that you are a unit. If you truly love your husband and truly love being 1/2 of that partnership, then you need to learn to love his family. I haven't read the original post, I just know that it sounds like his family is very involved. That is what families are supposed to be. I had it worked out with my husband that whenever I was overwhelmed I could call him and we could go for a walk outside alone or if we are staying for a few days, we just go for a run to the store or something. Those little breaks are a great way to get a handle on myself. Then when I come back I'm not as tense and its easier to deal with the situation. You married your husband and inherited in-laws. Now all you have to do is decide, do you love your husband (and daughter because they are her family too) more than you dislike them? If you don't love your husband and daughter more than your dislike, no amount of counseling will help you.

I'm actually a little bit surprised by the amount of responses that pretty much agree with how I felt about your message. A lot of times I see the responses as sugar-coated because no one wants to be the one to be harsh. Our words are all we have to judge one another by here. We don't see actions or emotions.
With that being said, your words seem to be written in anger and anxiety. It does not paint you in a good light. You may take a little time to reflect and then re-read this and be ashamed of how you presented yourself. That's the goal. You need to get to a point where your behavior (if it follows the same path as your words) will make you ashamed that you ever acted that way toward anyone.
The thing with ultimatums (and it looks like you're telling your husband to pick between you or them) is that you have to be ready for him to pick either side he chooses. You have to be ready to lose. Are you ready to lose?
He is a grown man. He got that way by the love of his family. You fell in love with him for some reason. They helped shape him into that person that you love. Why would you then ask him to lie to those people so that you can avoid them?
Counselors mostly listen. If the counselor is doing the majority of the talking, you've got a bad counselor. And I agree with the other women who said the only way you fix things is by fixing yourself. You have to do that yourself. You don't choose the circumstances of your life, but you do choose your reactions to them. You CAN choose to lead a happy life and be positive about things.
Be prepared to lose if you continue to challenge him. Is that worth it for you, him or your daughter?

So they changed their event for you and you still didn't go?! And you don't feel bad about that?! What are you trying to teach your little girl? And who doesn't want to? Just you or your hubby and daughter too?
When you make him chose, you are not being fair. When you make him lie, it takes away from your integrity.
It sounds like his family is the one trying to be the bigger person and continuing to reach out but you're too blinded but your hang ups that you can't just get over it for your husband and daughter. It's not all about you. How do you think your husband feels? They were his family before you came along. Why would you make him chose? You can't take family for granted.
What's going to happen is your daughter will see your behavior and this will come back to bite you down the road.

It could definately end your marriage. I have major issues with my in-laws as well, but I always go to my neices birthday parties or other special events for them because they are innocent children and should have their aunt and cousins present. I also always invite them to my kids things and go over to see them often. I do this because no matter what issues I have with them my children deserve to have their grandparents in their lives. They love them. You can obviously see tension between us but I try to look the other way for my children. My in-laws especially my sister in law can be very nasty to me I have driven home in tears before. You should do things that are in your husband and children's best interest. Your children could end up resenting you for not letting them have a relationship with their grandparents. His family might not treat you good but why would you not want to go to your neices or nephews things? What did they do to you? They are just children, not bring them into your family issues. I think you need to not be so harsh. You shouldn't make your husband lie to his family that can only turn around and hurt you in the end. Your husband should stand up for you within reason. If you don't want to go to his neices birthday party then no he should go but if his mother says something mean then yes he should stand up. His family sounds like they are trying to reconnect and want to know your child by change the date just for you. Let them. Try giving them another change, they might surprise you. Let your child have that bond. Maybe your husband could take her without you so he and she can enjoy his family too. Are they really mean to you or are you just jealous that he stands up for them? Maybe this issue is you trying to get him to choose you over them when they really haven't done anything. Think about why it is so important to you. its a two way street, let them in too

Hi C.,

I'm 43 and I don't know how old you are, but here's what I've learned so far in my short little life...

First, counseling never "fixes" anything. You do... you decide what to change about yourself to get a different result. And yes, it's always up to YOU to clean up your own messes and fix yourself. Always.

Second, I would never make my husband choose between his family and me. That is just about the roughest spot you could ever put a person in. Think about it the roles were reversed. How come you didn't know it would be like this before you were married? Your husband's job is NOT to just care about what you want! What kind of person would that make him, if he would just ditch his entire family, who made him the great guy you fell in love with, if he could just walk away from them now? And what is the big deal about the party? I am not one to lie... it just doesn't work and it's not going to solve the problem.

So... for me... if you want this man, you are going to have to find a way to change something within yourself that can live with this family and perhaps attend "some" of the events, but not all, explaining to his sister that you and he simply do not believe in celebrating that often but you will be there for truly big occasions. There has to be COMPROMISE in every relationship and it sounds to me life you are just standing there, expecting your husband to give in to your every demand. That strategy never worked in any relationship I ever had, so I don't think it bodes well for your marriage.

Get a grip, C., and use those counseling sessions to stop harassing your husband and start negotiating for a compromise you can both live with. Teaching your child how to talk things out, listen to other viewpoints and compromise would be one of the greatest gifts and skills you could give!

Good luck, sorry if this sounded harsh, but I really want to help you see what has worked for me.

K.

I don't want to sound harsh either--because I don't want to discount your feelings--they are real and are obviously causing you and your family a lot of stress and anxiety, but I do feel that your expectations towards your husband and his family are unrealistic and undermining--I mean you are having him LIE to them so you can avoid them (and the feeling that they invoke in you). And what kind of example is this setting for your daughter? Do you want her to do this to you when she gets older?
So, you are in marriage counseling? I think you should definitely get some individual counseling done and under the supervision of an MD. No I don't think you are crazy or anything. I myself have taken counseling and have seen an MD and I'm very sane :). Counseling doesn't work overnight and it only will work if you are willing to put yourself fully into it, listen and look deep within yourself so you can discover more about where these feeling are coming from. At the same time, there may be something chemical that can be adjusted to help with your stress and anxiety--even if it is temporary, which is where the MD comes in. Don't discount this--
Finally, understand that your goal should not be to get "your way" and to have your husband avoid his (your) family. This is a completely unreasonable expectation and WILL come between your marriage if you continue to push it. Your goal should be to not feel threatened and stress and anxiety in regards to the relationship your husband has toward the extended family and to possibly forge some ties with them yourself, which in the end would be the best for everyone involved--including your daughter.
I hope this helps, please continue to keep the lines of communication open with your husband, and work on getting yourself to a better place.

do a 50 50 Go to everyother event. Get a job or volunteer cna't go got to work. Tell them what it is that pisses you off may be a cultural thing. If he shoud care more for you than family; it should go you should worry more about him. You want him to lie to family then he gets to lie to you. Maybe they have always included familyinall events and are trying to get you involved in big family life.

I am going to sound abrupt but...when you married your husband he came with a family. You should be grateful that they are including you. How would you feel if they excluded you instead of going out of their way to be sure you can attend their family functions?

You may be very glad to have them in the future, so learn to deal with these (Even though, we hardly have any contact with them, it is always a sore spot with us.) "no big deal" family events. Your children will probably love having cousins to visit when they get older, so don't keep them (and your husband) from forming these bonds with the rest of the family.

The problem appears to be all yours. Your husband sounds very accommodating to me...making excuses for you instead of telling you that he and the kids are going with or without you!

To wrap it up...Is this worth your marriage?? Standing between your husband and his family is going to drive him away. Then, he'll have visitation rights (or joint custody perhaps) and he and the children will go to all those events without you.

Wow, I don't know the whole story, but from what you said you are being quite selfish. It's not all about you. Your husbands job is not to only care about what "you" want. He's a human being too....maybe he cares about his family like a normal person. He is also supposed to care about your child, which you're not doing right now. Whether you like it or not, if it wasn't for that family, your husband wouldn't be here and neither would your child. Please don't stop THEM from spending time with loved ones because YOU have issues.

Are you seriously jealous of his love for his family? That's just not normal. Maybe you should do counseling by yourself to figure out why you have such a negative perspective of things around you.

I agree with Amanda. What is so bad about his family that you feel you have to avoid them?

What you could have done was not asked your husband to lie and sucked it up and went! I hate to say this, but maybe you are leaving out details or you're not a great storyteller because this sounds really bad on your part.

I went back and read your original request. Since you mentioned your sister in law, and I have had problems with my sister in law before I thought they may be similar and I could relate. I cannot. My sister in law was in need of therapy and depressed and that's why she would lash out at me. She also admits to being jealous because I took her brother away. She has gotten the help she needed and we are now pretty good friends. I don't hand the phone to my husband anymore when she calls, I answer it and chat. Your situation seems to be your problem. You need to realize that when you marry someone, you marry all of them. It's not fair to ask your husband to choose between the family that raised him and you. I'm curious. What did the therapist say???

Also, is this behavior you want to pass along to your daughter? She is watching everything you do. Maybe one day she is in a relationship where her partner wants her to choose between you and him. So maybe she gives in (like her father did or to avoid the same conflict she grew up with) and moves to Alaska and you see her once every 5 years. Is that really something you want? Because believe me, you reap what you sow.

OMG... I cant believe this... you dont like to hang out with his family????? what is wrong with his family???? are you not family oriented???? Families are not perfect, but they are his family... and I think is very wrong of you to make him choose!!!! It is a terrible thing... I couldnt imagine my husband not letting me hang out with my family!!!! we always get together (without a need to celebrate anything) we celebrate that we are a family and have each other!!! His family is very different than mine, but we get together with them all the time too!!! I am sorry and I dont mean to be rude, but I think is really wrong of you to make him lie to his family just b/c you dont want to join them!!!! how would you feel if when your children are grown, their spouse is telling them not to go to any family gatherings?????

Hi, I have been married for 10 yrs and I cant stand my mother in law and she cant stand me and accuses me of all kinds of things which are not true and sometimes it seems my husband has taken her side and it has really caused alot of marriage problems. I realize how selfish now that I was being after reading your letter. I didnt want my children around her and I certainly did not want to be around her... but sometimes its just not right to be so selfish. I never asked ny husband not to go-I just bitched so much about that he would stay away from her. She is 80 yrs old and I would feel terrible about making it so difficult to see her and something happened to her so I decided during this tropical storm to call and check on her and it kind broke the ice of our last argument and I realize how unfair I was. I dont like her still and she still doesnt like me but I would not stay away from her or keep my husband or children away anymore. I do not own or control my husband and he does have feelings that I have ignored. From now on I will not be selfish and maybe this will in turn help my marriage grow stronger when he sees me as a team player. Thanks, S.

Dear C.,
I never read your original request...and I know you are going through a difficult time...but there is no way to say this gently...but based "solely" on your present email, you are being selfish and only thinking of yourself. I have no idea what his family is like, but you know what...everyone has family that's "odd" and that's life. God loves everyone and does not judge people and we are to try to do the same. You are so fortunate that these people WANT to see you and WANT you in their life. It isn't fair for you to ask your husband to choose sides b/c as people that love him, you and his family should be on the same team. Also, this is not fair to your daughter. Many people never get the opportunity to have a relationship with their grandparents and their cousins...You should be happy for her. To put this in perspective, I just had two friends that had one parent die in the past month. There is no going back and their young children will never have the opportunity to have long lasting relationships and memories to share with their grandparents. For that reason, your request saddens me. Now if there is information that I don't have like you feel like you or your daughter are in physical danger or a family member of your husbands' is hitting on you...then by all means disregard my comments. Otherwise, I suggest you find ONE of his family members that you feel comfortable talking to and maybe just sit down for a heart to heart. Clearly (to me anyway) you are jealous of your husband's relationship with his family b/c maybe you don't have that with your family and you just want to be his NUMBER ONE...which he does need to work on...maybe a few date nights would help b/c with a baby I'm sure you and he have forgotten or let those slide by. You and he need to nourish your relationship as a couple not just as a Mom and Dad b/c then you would have better self esteem in this instance. I will pray for you. Love B. ~ A little about me: Our 14th wedding anniversary is next week! I am a SAHM of 3 1/2 year old twins. We waited to have children so that we could enjoy our marriage first and ultimate trust in each other and faith in God is what keeps us together. Divorce is not an option for either of us and just knowing that gets us through those rough patches that ALL marriages have.

I think that you are acting like a little kid and that you need to stop this right now and I think that you are JEALOUS OVER YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY.

You husband is feed up with this and I don't blame him if he leaves. You are going out of your way to make his life hard.

You need to be thankful that he has family that cares for him and for you and your child.

I really can't believe the way that you are acting.

You think that everything is about you and it is not.

Grow up and be a woman that loves her husband and treats
him right or he will leave and find someone else that will embrace his family with a loving heart and will treat him well.

My question for you will probably make you angry, but I am going to ask anyway. You stated "why should WE have to do what WE don't want to do?" Is it "WE" or is it that YOU aren't interested in what they are inviting you to. It sounds to me like maybe you are being selfish and trying to exclude him from his family in the name of your marriage. When you get married, you marry into a family...the good and the bad parts. I hope that this doesn't make you angry, but will cause you to evaluate your own heart and motives in this area.

GOD BLESS!
V. A

I don't remember hearing about the family. Is there something they did for you to not want them involved in your lives? I feel that family (immediate and extended)is very important for people to have in their lives. My husband does not have a family to share with us and I feel like my daughter and I miss out on that. I would love for my daughter to have 2 sets of grandparents and for myself to have in-laws. I guess it's the old saying you want what you don't have and what you do have you don't want.

hi, i wish i had an answers for this its about the same for me how can i explain everything, it is all about my husbands family too i even tried moving to florida which we had problem because of the same situation aruging, mostly that how he cant see them an his sister paid for a ticket for him to leave he is back home now but constantly lieing for them his mom acts like she dont do nothing i try to be nice an visit but stopped because of a problem that always happen she always has to be so judgmental about my yongest son cause he looks like me an my oldest looks like my husband so i cant take it anymore EVERYTHING IS THEM he family feels he has to go to every family thing an he feels he has too ugh...... she will never tell him what she does to me my thing is now he found his cousin an is lieing about that too because she has issues in her relationship so my husband feels he got to help her ugh i cant take this why is it when they make a family they say nothing but now i look like the crazy one its so fustrating i cant ta

C.,

Is this a battle you really want to fight? Think about what you are teaching your daughter. Suck it up for her, at least. It sounds like you have little respect for your husband as well as his family. I'm hoping that you were just venting in your post, and that kind of frustration and angst aren't part of your everyday life. IF it is, maybe you should speak to someone on your own and find out what is the cause of your problem.

I can relate a bit. My husbands family is ridiculous. From what you've written it sounds like you don't want to do anything with them, ever. Is this the case? You said you hardly see them, is it so terrible to every now and then visit with his family? They clearly want you guys there, seeing as they would rearrange a bit to get you guys to come. If it really is just a clash of personalities on your end, I hate to say it (I have to do it too) you just have to grin and bear it. When you married him, his family came along. And you guys have to compromise or your marriage will not work. I hope you guys can work it out. Your little girl is most important.

You sound like a spoiled baby...families celebrate accomplishments, it is not worth getting into a fighting match with your husband and making him chose sides. you might lose.

OK I went back and read your older email. Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like his family is very much more INVOLVED with each other than yours was. Because you aren't used to it, it makes you feel uncomfortable and like they have undue influence over him. My guess is that they don't, just that they are in more contact than you are accustomed to from family.
It sounds like his closeness with his family makes you feel like you are in second place. From what you've written, this doesn't sound accurate, as having a standing invitation for a birthday party is pretty reasonable. It is normal for families to celebrate birthdays together, as well as holidays.
I think it's worth examining why you are so threatened by them, as they sound pretty normal to me. I think you need to address your own insecurity over this, as it doesn't sound like your husband has given you a reason to feel insecure. You sound like he drops everything when his family calls for plans, but then you say it's only 5 or 6 days a year, which isn't much for them to ask for at all. I don't understand why you are so intent on pushing his family away, as you have given no hard reasons for it.
Understand that "putting your family first" does not mean that you live in the middle of nowhere and never talk to anyone but each other. Putting your family first means including both sides of the family so your daughter can enjoy her extended relations.
I would recommend that you go to counseling on your own to figure out where your insecurity is coming from, and if you feel better and more secure about yourself and your place in your husband's and family's life you will find you have more room for other people.

You sound like a spoiled brat. Is that how you were raised? No, it is not your husband's responsibility to lie to his family so you can avoid them. If you don't want to see them, stay home and quit keeping your husband and daughter from spending time with family. They went out of their way and changed a date for you because they really wanted you all there, and you still wouldn't go?? They are right-- "Because I don't want to" is NOT a good enough excuse to blow off family. You keep saying your husband should be considering what YOU want, but why aren't you considering what HE wants?? Let him go and take your daughter to the next family outing and YOU can pretend to be sick and stay home. As for counceling, the idea is you BOTH say what's on your mind and a moderator may be able to help you make some compromises, but it only works if you are ready to open your mind and LISTEN (to your husband and to the counselor) and actually admit you may not be 100% right. Did you go to counceling expecting to hear him/her tell your husband, "You must bow down to your wife because the world revolves around her" ???? Did your parents spoil you so much that you really can't step back from this and see how mean and selfish you are acting? Let me say it one more time -- if you don't want to participate, stay home-- but stop keeping your husband and daughter from spending time with family.

I am 68 years old and hopefully I can help you. Love is the answer. When you married you also got another family to share your love with. You love your husband and child, but you want to also give love to your husband's family. You will enjoy life more if you spread love. Try sharing your love with your husband's family. You are really blessed to have them and it seems that they want to include you so take advantage of that right away. I will pray that you can let go and love and enjoy your blessing of a loving family. You want to show your child what sharing is all about and the more people to share love with the better. It is great that you want to love your husband and child. Now show love for his family. Bless you! C.

Frankly, at the risk of sounding offensive, have you listened to yourself? I do remember you. And - listening to this message, I'm worried about you.

Risk to your marriage? Absolutely. One day he WILL ask himself what is good for him in a marriage that seems to be all about what you want.

I would suggest more counseling. Unless you find out what has you so concerned about your wants and needs over those of others, it is doubtful any relationship will be satisfying enough for you. No love will be deep enough for you. And no man will love you enough without caring about others, too.

Good luck to you. This is not about his family or him. You are missing something that most of us receive at home. Please find it - for your own sake, if not for your children' and husband's.