Marriage Q- Affection and Time Together- Please Help!

Rent the movie "Hope Springs" with Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep. I watched it because of the actors, not knowing anything about the movie beforehand. I'm glad I don't have this problem in my marriage, but what you should do is sit down and watch it with him and tell him that you don't want this to end up happening to you later. I hope he will take you seriously in this.

Dawn

You need to read The Five Love Languages, together. Your love language is time spent together. If you are loved in other ways, it still doesn't fill your love tank. I don't know what is his language. Maybe you can get on the same page. Literally!

I love the suggestion that you read the 5 Love Languages. I haven't read it myself, but I was very struck by this statement you made:

"I tell him that I love him every day and make sure that he comes home to a wonderful, clean, happy home with his favorite foods, the kids are happy to see him etc, I try to look my best etc."

I'm just wondering if these are things that are even on his radar. Maybe they are and you already know that about him. I know my husband would appreciate it if I had more time for housework, but I'm pretty certain none of the things you mentioned would register in his mind as me hoping for affection from him.

Not sure exactly what you've said when you've tried to talk to him about this, but I've found with my husband it's best to be very straight forward:

"Babe, when we're about to go to bed, I need a couple of minutes of being held in your arms with no resistance on your part. This is something I need to feel loved and secure."

"Sweetie, I need there to be a few times each day when you spontaneously put your arms around me or give me a quick kiss. Before you leave for work each day, kiss me. I love it that you take the time to say hello to the kids and show them affection. I'd really love to be included."

You might have to be very blunt and specific. Oftentimes guys need that. It's just not in their nature to read between the lines or pick up on things.

Yep, 5 love languages, cause he could be showing you in his way and you're not picking it up. He may not be getting yours. It seems so obvious but it's not. I think a lot of men show love by providing, and when they have a family, it goes into overdrive. Once you understand your and his languages, you'll be able to communicate in a different way and help him understand what you need. You'll understand more what he needs. Hopefully that"ll help. It does take time, but it should be worth it.

I second the 5 Love Languages. My hubby and I read through it together (well i read it told him what i was reading) and it did help. I needed to hear him tell me he loves me more than just in bed. He felt that he was showing me he loved me by working hard everyday and providing for our family. He now tells me he loves me multiple times a day. I don't get the hand holding and snuggling i want but it definitely better.

I went back and read some of your previous posts about your husband and your father. Very similar, and very similar needs... wanting your husbands attention (rightfully) and wanting a nurturing relationship with your dad but felt right about cutting it off for your and your kids sake. Two years ago you asked about counseling. I really think this goes deeper than just the relationship between you and your husband. Its not a judgement - we all deal with parental issues when we marry. Counseling may help you to understand all of those dynamics.

Huge hugs from over here! You seem like a positive, wonderful person and your warmth certainly comes through in your posts.

let him come home to nothing and see how that feels-my guess is that he will not care or even notice.

I will have to read the 5 Love Languages book. I have come to a similar belief that people express their care in different ways.
My husband is verbally very praising but he is not a big hugger or kisser. I have learned to be more verbal in my appreciation since I was used to physical affection growing up, not so much verbal. The wonderful saving grace we found is that he pets my hair when we watch tv in bed after the kids are in bed. He just mindlessly strokes and plucks at my very short hair, but it gives me the physical "caring" that I need, and it seems it is not a chore to him.
We also divide the tasks in our life and house by discussing them Saturday mornings. Who goes to the dump, who does the groceries, laundry, kids activities, etc. When he is tired I will offer to drive and do more, and vice versa he will when I feel frazzled.
Our give and take just happened naturally, but we do communicate well and I suggest that you sit down and talk to him about what you wrote above.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

This is the most common sense thing I have EVER come across... And one of the most helpful. Not only with a lover... But with kids, parents, extended fam., etc.

Because from what you've written... This sounds like simple 'miscommunication'.

I'd lay money on your top 2 being
- Words of affirmation (compliments, love notes, etc.)
- Physical Touch (hand holding, hugs, sex)
OR
- Quality time (I'm leaning toward physical touch, because the time together you're talking about is skin on skin contact time together). But I could be wrong.

& HIS being

- acts of service (diving in w the kids, working, etc.)
- physical touch (sex)

He's getting BOTH his net... From ze spicy sex life & all the house & kids work you do... But you're lacking in the words of affirmation and the physical touch outside if sex.

I'm NOT a one size fits all person. I don't recommend this to everyone by a LONG shot. But it sounds like exactly what is 'missing' in your life. And he's clueless... Because he's basking in your live & THINKING you're basking in his.

You have a picture of who you would like your husband to be. He isn't. You are stuck in the world of "shoulds." As long as we focus on how things should be or how we want them to be, we will suffer. The solution is to shift focus to "what is."

When we argue with reality we lose every time and only create suffering. Instead of wishing, waiting, and hoping for things to be different than they are, shift to seeing what is, feeling your feelings, and then making choices about what is.

Your husband is who he is and yet you so want him to be different. First, that just gives him the message that he isn't good enough and compounds whatever is going on for him. Second, it puts you in the position of giving away your power to him. You are making him responsible for your well-being. This will only create pain and extreme frustration and anger for you.

It is now time for you to shift the focus to yourself. It is time to heal your own childhood woundings, to learn about boundaries and self-care, to become responsible for your own well-being and for meeting your own needs. I understand that we all have pictures of what we think relationships should look like. Whether they should or shouldn't they don't. It is time to understand that, if each of us took 100% responsibility for our own well-being,we could shift from painful, blame/guilt relationships to true partnerships.

There are things within you that you can heal and shift that will actually allow you to have a different type of relationship. We tend to believe that it is the other person when in reality it is our own inner world being reflected back to us that is the real issue. Our core, unconcious belief systems are what really create our outer world.

For example, I married a man that cheated on me for many years. I blamed him and tried to fix him and suffered greatly until I realized that what really needed healing was me. I learned that because I had believed all my life that other women were better than me of course I would bring in a man that believed the same thing. The important piece was that I didn't cause him to cheat, he had that set up for himself in his own childhood, I did however, bring in someone that was a match for my own belief system.

I now work on awareness and questioning my beliefs. I have learned about boundaries, communication, and self-care. I have learned to be responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions and for meeting my own needs. Some great resources are The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson and www.thework.com by Byron Katie.

What does he say when you tell him how you feel? I wish you had put that in your post. Does he say he will work on it? Maybe you could ask him if he is happy in your relationship and whether there is anything you can do to make it better for him. Perhaps he will reciprocate and you can get the conversation going better since it will start out being about him. I don't know.

I'm sorry this is happening. If you are certain that you are being the best person you can be in the relationship and you have told him what your needs are and he is not trying to meet them, then I would suggest telling him you think you guys need counseling. I think he is taking you for granted, and that is not ok.

Good luck to you! ((Hugs))

sounds like you both could use some couples therapy. When you tell him how you feel, do you stress how alone and unhappy you feel? He needs to wake up before he pushes you right out the door with his indifference.

Hi, I hear what you are saying.

In my experience, it's most helpful to sit down and talk about things when it's not a heated conversation. Can you sit down with your hubby and share with him how you are feeling and ask him to show you this affection by doing _____. I think people need specifics, so you can't assume that he knows what you need.

With that being said, relationships change. The demands around you change. Work gets stressful. Kids need a lot of the emotional and physical energy that we once spent on other things. So my point is, that you may have to also accept that some things may not change for a while because of the external pressures that exist. A date night on a regular basis, kissing, hugging and having intimacy, talking on the couch, may be what your husband is able to give right now. Think about what you need from him and let go of the rest. Everyone copes differently with all of these demands and it sounds like you are both doing the best you can right now.

What are you doing in your life to also make you happy outside of your marriage? Is it enough? I only ask this because sometimes we need a better balance in our lives and the best way to achieve that is to have happiness in both places. Just a thought =)

Sounds like you guys will do great. Just a little fine tuning and some acceptance about where life is right now. Many of us can relate, I'm sure.

In addition to telling him what you need from him, you might do well to ask him what he needs or would like to receive from you.