Marriage Problems ~ Advice Needed!

It doesn't really sound to me like you've got a marriage problem, but a life problem. *Anyone* going through what you've described would have problems, and marriage would not make it worse. But marriage can make it better, because you can have both of you working on the same problem. Rather than viewing marriage as your problem, look at what are your real problems; then get your mate on board with solving the problems, rather than just fighting about issues. Your financial difficulties and his lack of sleep are causing stress and strain on your marriage. Start focusing on *those* problems and then the stress and strain will lessen.

Most likely your husband feels like you aren't supportive enough of him, or don't appreciate him enough. Even if you do support him and try your best to show him he's appreciated. There's a website called "What Women Never Hear" (http://wwnh.wordpress.com) that I would strongly recommend you read, which deals a lot with male-female issues like this. Written from an older man's perspective from what he knows of men and how they think, etc., he gives a lot of good advice on how women can improve their marriages (or make good marriages to begin with). Another book would be "For Better or For Best", (which is the companion book to "If Only He Knew", which was written for men), that likewise helps women better communicate with their husbands, to reach them on their level. Because men and women think differently and communicate differently.

As for the finances -- go to http://www.daveramsey.com for some budgeting tips and sheets and such(he's also on the radio, which can be streamed on your computer from 2-5 p.m. Eastern). You've got to know where your money is coming from and where it is going to, so you can see where you can cut corners and trim costs. And get books on frugality, like the indispensable "Tightwad Gazette" (check for it in your library, thrift store, or used book store before purchasing it on line; then get a used copy, if you can't find it locally), which will reset your brain into thinking frugally (like our grandparents who lived through the Great Depression), and give you tons of tips on how to actually trim nickels and dollars from your budget. It doesn't sound like much, but every little bit adds up.

Is there any way you can get a friend or family member to watch the kids one or two days a week, so he can get extra sleep? Also, pay attention to diet -- make sure your family is all eating enough nutritious food, because if you eat junk, you'll feel like junk. My husband also needs a lot of sleep, but we've recently started "The Blood Type Diet" (http://www.dadamo.com) and that has increased his energy levels and reduced his need for sleep.

Perhaps your husband needs to put school plans on hold for the moment -- less money going out, more time for him; perhaps he could then pick up another part-time job, which would bring in more money; even if he did nothing but practice frugality (shop the sales at grocery stores, cook from scratch instead of buying convenience food in boxes or from fast-food restaurants, etc.), watch the kids, and sleep, that would likely be an improvement over your current lives.

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I would put your children in daycare during the day and let him sleep. If you can't afford it your state probably offers a childcare voucher. The only requirements, as I understand, are low income and two working parents.

Daycare will be better stimulation and care for your children than a sleepy grumpy overworked husband. They will get a pre-k education, make friends, and get excercise.

Be picky, avoid in-home daycare, look for a reputable childcare ministry close to your home. Your state voucher program may be able to help place your children.

Your husband is in school, your children are young, you never get to spend time together. Of course life is hard. The good news is these times will end and a better life is just around the corner.

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J., I am sorry you and your family are going thru this rough spot. I believe that Molly S. gave you some really good advice but I just wanted to add something. I know you are not seeing your husband that much since you are on different schedules but try to keep the line of communication open! You both need to share your thoughts and feelings especially during a rough time. My husband and I have been married for over 30 yrs. and we still have little issues with communicating but most of the time we can just laugh about it once we have figured it out. Of course I think part of it is just a man & woman thing, meaning each thinks so differently. I don't know if you are a christian but praying together really does help! On a lighter note, I read your profile and you said you loved hearing your boys laugh. We also have 2 sons, they are 28 & 27 yrs old! That was one of my favorite things about being a mom was hearing them laugh! So, now when we all are together, and they are laughing and cutting up together, it makes me smile! God bless you and your family, things will get better!

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All I can say is hang in there. We are having issues too. My husband was laid off the beginning of July and I'm a SAHM. I start work on Monday....although I'm very sad that I have to go to work I'm also very grateful to have snagged on in the "great" economy.
Things are very stressful but somehow God is going to provide. Keep the faith. Talk to your husband. Remember....he's not taking his cranky out on you because of you....you are the only person he has to support him and he needs you to help him get thru this time too.
Good luck,
Jen

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J., I can sympathize with what you are going through. Molly gave you some great advice and things you should follow through on.

One thing that helped us when went through a rough time was that on Saturday, one of us slept in and on Sunday, the other. That way, we felt a little better.

Also, it sounds like your husband is over burdened and may be depressed which is causing the defensiveness. While you are working both inside and outside of the house, he's also working. Between school, family, job and job hunting, he has at least 3 full time jobs. If you husband is the type that feels that the man should be the "bread" winner in the family, he may also feel like a failure.

One thing you may want to do is set aside a night a week or every other week for each of you to get out of the house to do something you enjoy doing. Go to a library and read a book, lock yourself in your bedroom and just sleep, get in touch with some of your old friends, etc. That one night of recharging might just help the both of you. The cost could be free or minimal.

I wish you the best. The times are really hard right now but hopefully things will turn around. Make him a card telling him how much you love him and admire him for his dedication to the family. Hopefully that will cheer him up some.

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This does sound like a really, really rough time for your family. It also sounds like you both are doing your best to have a better future. Your husband is trying to work nights, go to school, and keep the kids!!! You've identified the primary issue - no sleep! Both of you have been getting less sleep for the past two years with your youngest boy anyway.

Financial problems are the worst issue in a marraige. It seems to combine all the worst aspects of our human nature and stresses everyone into our very poorest behavior. Try to do some research on community outreach support for help with food, daycare, school expenses. Reach out to your family, your church, ask friends about resources, too.

Your question also implies that you're considering the worst aspect of marraige, divorce or separation. Do you really think all the problems will disappear if you're not married to the man? Think about what kind of EX-husband he might be?!

I try to compare tough situations with a tougher one and then decide if what I feel is truly unbearable is really unbearable. Is my husband's bad attitude because he can't find a decent job worse than when my 3 year old was in the hospital with pneumonia while I'm at home recovering from surgery with a newborn? Are the finances so bad as when our roof leaked and we found the special order shingles discounted but brought them home in the sedan nearly breaking the car axle on the way home? Or when we stayed up all night getting the shingles on the roof in the rain because we couldn't afford to buy a tarp? Life does cycle and change and sometimes brings us out of one trial and right into another. It's the history of these struggles that make your family strong and able to pull through. It builds the tapestry of our lives, gives us strenth to draw on in the future and lots of memories to laugh about later.

Honestly, I feel that your husband is taking on too much. Either you guys need to get some help with caring for your youngest (so your husband has some down time to sleep and recharge) OR you at least need a break of some kind. Is anyone in your family able to take the boys for a short weekend? Even if you don't go anywhere, but just relax at home and watch a DVD or sleep for two days - the rest and the break from the kids might give you both some fresh perspective. Then talk about how things are and decide on two changes that you can make for the better. One change for him and one change for you. Resolve to make a priority for time for each other. It's easier to lose our tempers and say mean things when we're not feeling close to our spouse. That means your relationship with each other is as important as anything else. Raising 2 boys without their father is not really as tempting as it may sound right now.

Sorry, if I got to preaching too much! LOL - I just have strong opinions that people don't try hard enough these days to keep loving each other. All the best to you and your lovely family,
M.

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For the finances I recommend Dave Ramsey. Either Total Money Makeover or Financial Peace. Go to daveramsey.com to see if there are any Financial Peace classes starting in your area.

As for your marriage, I know it may seem simple, but there is a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" byWillard F. Harley, Jr. If you have been married for 9 years, you need to read this book together. It is amazing what we assume about our spouses. I have been married for 12 years and we have a pretty good marriage, but I felt like we needed to do something to reconnect and get on the same road again (we have three kids and very busy lives). Don't

let either of these things get ahead of you, stay on top of it! Good Luck.

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J.,
During these times it is difficult for everyone. You are lucky to see the problem and the need for him to get more sleep. Do you have family or friends or a neighborhood teen or someone from church that could take the kids for a couple of hours during the day so your husband could get more sleep? I had my young teenage cousin to help me out around the house when my kids were younger and it helped tremendously. I usually gave her $10-$20 a week and it helped. As far as the financial end of your plight I am sure that you have already cut back on things but see if you can cut back more. I usually check out insurance quotes every few years to see if a different company has better rates. Stick with companies that are well known. I made the mistake of going with one that was a lot lower but only did 3 month policies. At first the cost only went up a few dollars but by the time I had the policy for a year I was paying more than if I had gone with a well known company. Also if you have car, house, and life insurance with the same company you usually get multi policy discounts. Good Luck and God Bless!

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Hi J.,
You both sound like very hard workers. On the financial end, have you heard of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University? It's really worked for many of my friends who used to stress over money.
About your hubby burning the candle at both ends... This may sound odd, but I would suggest he get a monthly B12 shot and take a good multivitamin. Nothing crazy like the mega stuff at GNC etc.... Just a Centrum or something complete. Your body uses alot of extra B vitamins under stress. (Most people notice the sides of their mouth cracking etc.)
You may try helping him plan some activities for your boys... I know some of the book stores have all kinds of free things to take the kids to. The YMCA also has programs set up for families who need help with homework etc. (They also have discounted rates for those who qualify). Sometimes you just need the stress relief to exercise for an hour. It's tough for the first week, but it really makes you feel better after that.
Also, there are several sites that offer affordable meal ideas that you could batch cook on the weekend and freeze so he would have that much done. (Y'all could cook together... even with the kids. I find the kids eat with much less fuss if they have helped sprinkle a spice or two into something or been a part of it.

Hope this helps!

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J.,

I don't know many men that would adjust well to lack of sleep they are just geared differently than women. With that said, it sounds to me like you guys need to sit down and evaluate your lives and see how you can balance things. First and foremost I would look for part-time childcare for your children and let your husband sleep. It's not fair for him to work all night then have to come home and take care of the children and go to school full-time. I assume your husband goes to school during the day, comes home and then watches the children while you leave and go to your full-time job. If you can't afford part time child care then you need to evaluate whether he can continue going to school full-time or whether he can work part-time while going to school. One way or another something's gotta give. I must say that this is going to affect your marriage, financial issues, and your children if you two don't get it together and work this out. If you think you have financial troubles now, get a divorce and see how many more you've added. Bottom line here is that someone is going to have to sacrifice something. It's either going to have to be that you guys sacrifice more money to get part-time childcare, or your husband is going to have to sacrifice going to school full-time or your going to have to sacrifice on the financial end and let him either quit working or work part-time. I would start by evaluating your finances and see what you can eliminate from your monthly spending and see if you guys could make it on his part-time salary. I hope you two will sit down and communicate with each other being honest and not insulting and get to the bottom of the situation for your marriage and children's sake. Good luck.

J. all I can say is that you need to sit down and talk to him. You need to tell him how you feel without starting an argument. Life its full of obsticles, but in the end the simplest things that life have to offer are the greatest. Have faith and pray to the one up there!!!

I'm sorry to hear you are having these issues...I am going through the same thing right now (27 yr old mom of 3 boys). Our situation sounds very similar. What area are you in? I am trying to find a counselor so we can go try to sort things out. As of last week we were more than likely separating. Have you gotten that far? If not, I suggest you try to do everything in your power to try to prevent getting to that point, because I feel it is very unlikely we are going to be able to work out our problems. My husband chooses to stay awake until 2am and gets up at 7 am and his lack of sleep has caused him to be cranky as well. Over a while, it has turned to short tempered and down right nasty. There is always yelling and he has no patience with the kids. I just can't live like that but I love him and want to do everything to try to make it work. I think he has gotten to the point that he is so frustrated and has resentment for whatever reason and therefore I think he won't be so willing to work it out. Moral of my story: Don't get to that point before you seek help....Good luck!

J.:

Sorry to say this, but you can't work your husband out of your marriage. It looks like he is doing more than enough. See what load you can take out of him and so you can help some more. It is better to have your wonderful husband after the storm, than be alone because of this.
Soon your children will grow. Take it from me. I'm 54 years old mother.

Hang in there....I like the idea from the others about daycare for the kids, and if not, maybe find a friend who can watch them for the first few hours so dad can sleep. I've worked full-time, going to school full-time and husband was moved to Alaska, I do understand. Obviously your husband is doing his best to get an education to take care of the family and even though it's tough, y'all need to work together and keep each other strong. Try to have 10 minutes of time to talk between the two of you. It was tough for us too, but we learned that together we could accomplish life. Now I'm finished with school and financially we are ok, it's been a much more enjoyable life!!! I wish you the very best.

Daycare?

I know that the budget is tight but you guys have to find someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours. Maybe a family member could come over for 2 to 4 hours in the morning to allow him to sleep a little longer. Or maybe you could put the babies to bed a little later at night so they can sleep longer in the mornings allowing him to sleep a little longer.

There is nothing worse than the combination he is dealing with; no money and no sleep would make anyone extremely edgy.

Best wishes

He either needs to stop going to school now and return and finish when there is more income and when the kids are in school during the day....or....he needs to go to school at night and have a REAL full time job during the day where he makes more income and where he can get to bed by a decent time. School will be out by 9pm. Or, he can always go to school online when he has time. I know a guy who worked full time and every night for an hour he did his online school work. He can get the sleep he needs, have more income, and you will not resent him for being lazy. If you need him to stay home during the day, that is something you have to figure out. It seems then that the only option is him working at night. You did not mention when he goes to school. If he works full time, could you afford a sitter during the day? a daycare? a preschool?

Just a few different options. He has to want to do these things though so I hope for the sake of your marriage, he wants the same things you do.

J.~ it sounds alot like the other marriages lately. Except, you have one up on others. You may be working days; but your husband is a full time student and working nights. Sounds like he is really trying to get a better life for all of you. Maybe instead of thinking of leaving, maybe get a babysitter so he can sleep. Maybe a friend or family member can help. Maybe your parents or maybe his. Don't give up on a guy that is trying. Give him a break, be proud of him. Have you thought about a job from home you can do? You can watch the kids along with him. It's worth a try.maybe be a sahm with assistance from the state? Any thing worth having - is worth fighting for? Is he worth it to you? What would you do with out him?

J., I know this problem well. We are in the same situation. My husband works outside the home during the day (and sometimes evenings). I am a SAHM during the day and a cashier at Walmart in the evenings until 11 or 12. I'm also the type (like your husband) that needs more sleep and this is only made worse by the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant with #3! I also see that you had children early in your marriage and so did we. One thing that helped us immensely, was taking a weekend for just us. Literally, my parents took the kids Friday after work and we picked them up Sunday around dinner time. It was a wonderful reminder of why we love each other so much and who we are without the kids and stress. It doesn't have to cost anything if you have a friend or family member who can keep the kids and you just hang around the house ALONE for a couple of days. On the days we are at each others' throats, I just remember our weekend and why I love this man. I hang on to that and keep telling myself that this too shall pass. It is just a difficult season in our marriage and we will come out that much stronger on the other side. Good luck!

I would recommend that you start listening to Dave Ramsey, a financial guru. He's on AM radio, and has a TV program also on the Fox business channel. He makes more sense than anyone, and helps people prioritize their finances when times are tough. His website is daveramsey.com.

Also, try to be as understanding of your husband, and give him as much love and compassion as you can. The worst thing in the world would be to lose your marriage and that security for your children because of a bumpy patch. You might read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Dave Ramsey's Total Money Make Over. Maybe they'd be at the library. Financial issues are the number one cause of divorce; don't be a statistic. Hang in there!

Well if your both working and having financial issues I would try to figure what are needed things and not and cute back. The problem is there aren't many " good" jobs out there right now. On the hubby getting sleep do the kids nap? is there a friend or family member that can help out? I know your under stress but think of the stress he's under also. As a stay at home mom of 4 going to collage and living off my husband's SSD i know how to budget well so i know how you feel on the $ part. good luck

Yes, hang in there. I would be grumpy to without sleep. I need a lot of sleep and haven't had as much as I need since I have a 19 month old and a 7 month old and 2.5 months pregnant. Wow it is worth it ! Try to be more patient with your husband, that can be hard, but it will help. If you love him, you will stay with him through the hard times too. Hold onto the good times, think about them and know that if he is going to school to get a better job, then things will get better. Pray is good to. God can help if we really want help and really listen. I do pray and I do have to say the God helps me when I've only had 5 hours of sleep ! A good talk would help too. Communication is the main key to every marriage. I hope all will be better soon.
Love bears all, believes all, love conquers all.....