Marriage Problems - Cheshire,CT

Sorry youy are feeling so badly. I learned quickly that marriage is not easy, not at all what I expected. Once I learned to accept the man I married as is things improved dramatically. I was resentful for him not being the man I thought he should be. I had no respect because he didn't earn it. Once I realized that respect is a choice on my part and not a feeling start to make that choice. My husband is the same guy but no he knows I respect him because he can see it. Now that he sees it he behaves in a way that is worthy of it. No one likes to be the one who takes responsibility for change but you have the power to change your marriage for the better. He may never want to change jobs but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve and need your respect. It will change that way he feels. You never know what wonderful things will come from a man who knows you care for and respect him. Best wishes.

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Hi S.,

I am sorry for your pain , back and marriage. Back pain is one of the most uncomfortable, aggravating injuries to deal with. I have lots in common with you in that and hubby wise. Are you more aggitated than normal because of the pain? Also by your self description you are a control freak and I mean that in a good way, so am I. could it be you take care of house and kids because you "know" you do it better? Not because hubby won't participate. I used to tell mine you never do this you never do that. His answer "you never let me". Now that you are basically bed ridden this is the time to talk to your husband tell him your needs aka take on responsibilities in the house, forget job change for now, as there really is no place to go now. Ask him what he thinks he can manage to releive the stress. After you are recovered, I think you two should discuss what you love and hate about each other, be prepared his list could be longer than yours. Based on that conversation if you both want to work it out, then seek out a new counselor and see if you can work it out. Right now you are stressed to the max and every little thing is going to look much bigger. Take one step at a time until you feel strong enough mentally and physically to take on the bigger issues in your marriage. Best of luck and feel better. A. B.

Wow, sounds like you keep the family together with money and emotional strength. Do you have any friends who know him and understand you?

How did you find this therapist? Doesn't sound like the right match for your needs. Find another one!

And did you ever feel intellectual stimulation from the man you married? What was the original attraction? Maybe you just grew past him--it certainly happens.

You sound like a strong woman. I'm sorry you hurt your back and it seems like that's the "straw that broke the camel's back" in that now you finally see your worst case scenario--that he really is the helpless weak insecure boy you didn't wnat to rely on!

Get a good therapist. Spend timew with strong, smart women who may you feel good!

Good luck! Move on. Your kids deserve a good role model and a happy parent!

S., I know that you have tried counseling. Have you tried, or would you considering talking to a pastor or faith-based counselor? I have been married 8 years and can honestly tell you that all the things I have done to improve/enrich my relationship, the BEST and most effective things have come from faith-based applications (such as bible studies etc.). We used to waste time arguing over nonsense... I can honestly see such a change not only in my husband, but both of us. Now we are really a team.

S.,

What you're doing does not work with kids, and certainly does not work with adults. You think you resent your husband, from hearing you complain I bet you he resents you just as much if not more. Your constant bagering that he is not motivated enough, not working hard enough, not being passionate enough must make his heart shrink into a tiny ball whenever you are around. Even if you're right it does not matter. All he is hearing is he is not enough and will never be enough, so why try. Also, you've switched from secret resentment to all out anger.

HOW IS THAT WORKING FOR YOU?

Is he changing for you? Is he working harder for you? You even seem excited you hurt yourself just to show him. What you need to do is back off and let him live his life. You believe because you guys have kids together you have a say of what God gave him as his purpose on this earth. We all stumble and he has a right to stumble and fall like every one else and at least he does have a job and a stable job. And so what if it is filling vending machines. I guess you're the Queen of Eygpt, right? Have you found out where his interest were and tried to gentally and loving do them with him?

HOW DO YOU STOP FEELING RESENTFUL?

By taking account of your own life Miss Perfect and began treating him with love and respect. Also, I want you to know that you sound like a bully. If you husband's family fight all the time his feelings of poor me may be justified.
He may need to go into therapy by himself to find out why he married a woman who thinks so little of him. And why he has such low self esteem.

Lastly, if you respect your husband only based on his income generation keep your fake respect to yourself. When you water a plant you move, so the sun can help it grow you don't stand over it and yell grow! grow!

Hi S.,

Wow, it sounds like you have so much on your plate!

So, I am "hearing" that you are overwhelmed and feeling alone in your struggle and resentful of your husband, as you feel he is not holding up his end.

You do not say what the expenses are, so it's hard to know whether there are some bills that maybe do not have to be paid now, or for that matter if any of them are credit card bills in his name only. Why does that matter? See I'm thinking what would I do in this situation---and I had a taste of it in my first marriage. If you are struggling to pay his credit card bills, maybe that is something you could stop paying and let him worry about? Can you refinance the mortgage? Are there bills that can be renegotiated with creditors? You see, if I had tried unsuccessfully to discuss the issues with my husband then I would look at what my options were, first with regard to getting some breathing room in the financial area.

Now here's another question: Are either of you in individual therapy---you to sort through your feelings and figure out what you want and your husband to perhaps identify the issues that have caused the seeming inability to take any active role in his life? If not, are either of you willing? Even if your husband is not willing, how about you going to therapy to take care of you---because one thing that seems to be very clear is that you need and are not receiving care. I have learned that until I start taking care of and respecting me I cannot expect others to do so. Why? Because my treatment of me teaches other people how to treat me.

After I've had time to give myself breathing room, sort out my feelings, figure out what I want, that is when I can set boundaries with people. When a situation bothers me or does not go well I ask myself what I am and am not able/willing to live with. So, for example if I cannot be the only one taking care of the children I can first tell my husband what I need and that I can no longer do x y and z tasks. If he refuses to help or does not respond I then have to do something to defend my boundary. It could be as simple as "I must have help with tasks x y and z regarding the children and if my husband refuses I will consider all my options including hiring help, dissolving the marriage or whatever else I think is appropriate. If he will not help, can you find a teenager after school looking to make a few extra dollars?

I think the key here is focusing on what I can control---which basically is me and how I respond to a situation. I cannot control another person.

Hope that helps. Please feel free to disregard any parts that you do not find helpful.

Good Luck!

J.

What made you fall in love with him?

(many spaces...put lots of thought into that one before reading on.)

Your answer likely has nothing to do with his career path or earning potential. While financial strain can cause real stress in a household, I'm betting that your real concerns with regard to your marriage have to do with much more than your husband's job and motivation.

Is he (still) the man that you want to grow old with?

It also sound like your concerns go more to basic differences in what you each want from life and from each other.

Is it possible that your husband has a low grade depression? Sounds almost like it. Probably he really CAN'T do more than he is now. He's not capable. While you have some downtime, perhaps you can get one of Daniel Amen's books about the brain. Do the quizzes and see.

Have you thought about moving back to the resort town again? Health care is needed everywhere. Perhaps he could work in the family business now. Why wait till it's inherited?

Dear S., First I an sorry you hurt your back. I will pray for your healing. I also hear your pain in your relationship. I don't know what to advise you and I know you do not or cannot leave him. You may need to go to a different counsellor. He needs to know that he can no longer coast on your abilities. I pray you will find the answer and make the best of your marriage. Grandma Mary

Hi S.,

I think what could be happening here is what you interpret as support he interprets as nagging. It seems that your husband is content with the life he has chosen and to you he is stagnant and not growing. Communication is everything in a marriage as well as accepting each other for who they are. The impression I am getting is that you are growing and he is not. It takes two willing participants to make a marriage work. Although I understand what you are trying to say I don't think you are going to be able to change someone who does not want to change. So the way I see it you either love him for who he is and live your life together or end the marriage. The reason you are not attracted to him is because as you said you resent him for not being what you want him to be. That resentment is not going to go away it will only get worse. Going to counseling is not going to work unless he is willing to change. If he doesn't think he is broken he is not going to fix himself. Maybe he is not as ambitious as you would like him to be because he is content where he is. I am not saying he is right but you can't force people to have the same vision as you do. I know dancing in the living room will not help but have you tried having a regular date night out and discussing your concerns without nagging and arguing. Maybe in a nice dinner setting you can calmly talk about how you are feeling. Try not to make him feel inadequate so he may listen instead of becoming defensive. In his defense he may be so comfortable with his life that he doesn't know how to even go about changing. Some people just like to stay in their comfort zone and become anxious with change. Sometimes men are like children you have to know how to talk them to get them to listen. By nature I don't think men are great listeners or talkers. I know so many times I can tell my husband things and when situations arise he may say "You never told me" I think sometimes they tune us out LOL!! So if you are coming off as nagging he may have done just that tune you out. Try to remember the things you loved about him 12 years ago and see if you can reconnect without all of the stresses that are around both of you right now. I will tell you divorce is not easy either. If you love him try to move past all of this trust me the grass always looks greener but it is not always the case. Good luck I hope you work things out!!

S.,
I am not a professional. I am finishing my BS in Psychology at the moment. I have a few suggestions. Have you seen the marriage counselor individually at all? You need to make your issues and your feelings perfectly clear to the counselor. Now that being said, many counselors have their own agendas. He or she may have religious motivation to try to help you save your marriage. If you want to try to save your marriage it is going to take effort on your husbands part as well. If your counselor just doesn't get it, try another. Different personality types don't always mesh well together.
You also need to protect yourself and your children's futures. I would suggest a seperate savings or investment account that you put a small amount into each month. You are entitled to protect yourself and your future. If there is a possibility of a split with your husband, you should begin taking steps to make the transition.
Best wishes to you.

I know this sounds simple but to keep it short and boil it down for you, accept your husband for who he is, he is the man you married, at least he has a job at all in thi seconomy be grateful for that. You need to see the glass half full and not half empty. Start trying to be happy about where you are now and not blame your husband for where you think you will never get if HE doesn't change. If you can do that, things WILL start changing for the better. Good Luck

You already have a lot of great advice, but I recommend to try counseling again with another counselor. Not all counselors are going to be compatible with all clients. Go yourself first then take your husband along after a few sessions. You know, at least he was willing to go with you that first time. He is making some effort there. Not all spouses feel the need or desire, so that's a big plus.

Also, you listed so many negative things about him. You need to sit down and come up with at least 5 positive things about him. Think back to why you married him. I assume you married him for love and not because he was part of a lucrative family business. If that's the case, then you have other issues going on, but I hope not.

I know that my husband is really awesome but he is a constant worrier and can tend to take a negative, pessimistic attitude about things. This turns me right off, as I am the complete opposite. When his negative energy really starts wearing on me, I let him know. If you are constantly taking a negative attitude with him, that's going to turn him off, too, I'll bet. Just something to think about.

Well, I understand what you're saying. I'm not personally in that position, but have dated similar personalities in the past, and knew enough about myself to not marry the type. I understand what you're saying about not being attracted to him because of his lack of motivation and drive. That is an unattractive quality to me as well, so I think if I were in your position I may also be resentful. Dancing around in the livingroom would not be helpful in this situation. I think sometimes people just grow apart. I do think you probably need some counselling to see if you can address the anger and the resentment, because I don't think you can address the marital issues while you have these feelings. If you are truly trying to save your marriage, then you need to work on your feelings first, and then more than likely have to except him for the man he is and accept the fact that he may not change. If this is not an option, perhaps you are not in a marriage that you should be. Going about daily life as you have described above however should not be the case. The anger will eventually get worse and worse and before you know it will start to consume your entire life to the point that every little thing about him will disgust you to your soul. I strongly suggest working on you, and that it will become clear of which way you'd like to go once you have managed some of the feelings you are having.

Hi S.,

I am sorry to hear about the struggles that you are going through physically and mentally. I know how tuff it can be for I have been there, feeling resentment, anger, not wanting to be near him, not wanting him to touch me, could care less if we shared anytime together for I was extremely exhausted mentally and physically. I have one child, work a 40 hour job and hold a business of my own-all of these things became my escape.

Our lives become a routine, we get set in our ways and we get aggravated when someone tries to change that, we do not feel as if that person is trying to help bring change for the good but feel as if they are intruding in our routines. CHANGE is a hard thing and something that has to be worked on by both parties involved. Get out of that daily rut and work on bringing the change that is needed to bring you and your spouse back to that happy place and to give your children the stability that they need to grow into happy healthy adults.

I only have one suggestions to you as I had also tried everything to get my husband and I back on track, for my husband to deceide what he wanted out of life and to ensure health and happiness for our child as well as our relationship. After years of counseling and very little resolution we started a christian counseling and not only has my husband grown but I have also grown. You learn to dig deep within yourself and to get rid of all of the unpleasantness from years of layers we add to our lives. You learn to be open about the unhappiness in your life, a good job gone bad, a marriage that was once so good turning sour, all these things are stemmed from one thing and it sounds as if your husband is hurting inside yet refuses to bring it to surface. Once he has brought it to surface and has found peace within himslef he will be able to see the good that he can do and be willing to take those steps to make a better life for his family. It will not happen over night but from someone who suffered for years and was ready to throw it all away and be on my own for that is how I felt I was already doing it on my own, I was unhappy and I saw no change in the very near future. Christian counseling was my last resort, and in all honesty I began to think that nothing would help he was in a rut that he refused to get out of and 1 year of christian counseling I have seen huge growth with change for the both of us. We no longer hide what is eatting us and pushing us away from our sole mate, we now rely on each other for one anothers advise, wisdom and strength. We respect each other more today than we ever have and that I am greatful for. The mourning of past mistakes, hurts, losses are gone and we now live for tomorrow not yesterday.

God Bless, keep the faith that all good things will come. If you have God by your side nothing can or will fail you.

S., first of all, so sorry to hear how hard everything is right now.. but don't worry, I have the solution. You are going to think I'm nuts (everyone else does so I'm not offended!!) that is until they take this advise and then I'm the resident genius!!
Get the book Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin... today. Read it as if your life depends on it, because it does. This is one of those situations that you are NOT supposed to think.. just do it. The book may put you off in the beginning as I can see you are "used" to being in control of a lot of things in your marriage and in your life. You said something very poinient "I feel like I'm the protector in the family, like he isn't able to protect us and that doesen't turn me on".. thats the key.. read the book and "drink the kool-aid" and watch your world turn around in a way you NEVER thought it would.. trust me.. and let me know how it goes..
good luck,
M. from Pittsford

Susan,
Your story touched my heart. I feel your pain. I wanted to offer you advice you may not have gotten yet so with that in mind I took the time to read the advice you have gotten up to the point I am sending this response. I am also going to try to make this response as succinct and possible.

At the end of your rendition of state of your marriage you asked two things:

1. How do I stop feeling so resentful?
and
2. How do I make changes?

Changes have already begun to happen. Life has forced you both to change which is a good thing. Diamonds are created through intense and prolonged pressure. I’m not hoping this situation goes on for you both but you are seeing under this situation your husband step up you said he is feeling the financial pressure too. He is doing what he can with what he has. This is a good thing. I would praise him for what he has done no matter what that is or how small it seems to you. Ask him is he has any ideas on how he can generate more income? Don’t nag or make suggestions. It has to be his idea. You can tell him you are afraid and what you are afraid of but you have to trust he will come up with something. Men are natural born problem solvers. Yours may just be rusty for lack of having to but now is his time to shine. If it weren’t for the job he has been able to maintain even in these tough economic times where would you guys really be? Count your blessings. Realize men have fragile egos which need to be stroked and encouraged. He may not have the job you desire for him but his is working, he did go to counseling and is helping with the finances. You have to begin to build your relationship with him by trusting him. When you go back to work continue to let him handle what he has been handling with continued encouragement. Since he did attend the counseling he probably wants things to work too.

FORGIVENESS is the key to ending feelings of resentment. Forgiveness is the oil of any great relationship. Oil preserves and keeps things running smoothly. Have a good cry as you actively forgive. Forgive your husband for each of the points mentioned in your rendition of the state of your marriage. Forgive him for working that “dead end job with no advancement and little pay”. For now that “little pay” is more than the unemployment he could be collecting or could be just exhausting. Forgive each point you mentioned. Then forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being so controlling, unappreciative, and possibly unpleasant. Forgiveness means putting aside your right to be resentful and bitter and finding a new way of communicating positively and effectively with your husband.

I’m not bashing you but I have learned strong willed men do things in their own time, we can’t control or manipulate them into our will. Encouragement, support, and praise go a long way. As you begin to change your perspective and count your blessings instead of looking at your lack, you will see the change in your husband because he will see and feel the changes in you. This won’t be an overnight process but it will be a process. Watch your thoughts about him and how you speak about him and to him. Respect him like you know you want this to work out. Check yourself to see if you are truly being positive and not negative. You can only build on a positive but destroy from the negative. What things do you appreciate about him, concentrate on those things and the rest will take care of itself.

Feel better and be encouraged. K..

Hi S., I personally knew a couple with almost the same issues. She was considered a book worm and she always aimed for higher. He on the other had took it one day at a time, they were of course from different back grounds, upbringings etc. She taught if she could push him into getting a better education it would definitely lead to a better job more money, more security for their family. Him been who he is really tried to please his wife, he felt a happy wife a happy home. He moved up in life, little more money and things seem to be going fine until she told him he should further his education and apply for yet a better paying job. He loved his old job every one around him felt like family so he was happy there. She kept nagging at him and telling him all the things she thought would make their family much more prepared and secure if something should happen.

He started to resent her always pushing him and using remarks of how people she knew that their kids are still young and they already have a great collage fund for them. She also mention that because she taught him not being capable of meeting some of her high class friends his conversation would be boring or off. All the way she found ways to put him down never a comment of him being a great dad or husband or provider. So he started seeing a co-worker on Friday evenings and of course confiding in her and you know what comes next she told him what he needed to here and he left his wife for her. I was invited to the wedding but didn't go for other reasons they are married over ten years and still going strong two kids and now one of his kids from the first marriage wants to live with them full time. He got promoted at his job making a lot of money.

S. some people are very educated, some people can be pushed a little but some especially adults do things the way they see best. I have a relative that's slow but he uses his hands and he builds the most beautiful furniture you could imagine and his bank account is busting.

Maybe your husband is afraid of change or he feels he is not capable of doing something new, I hope you can find peace in your life in the mist of this situation or sooner or later you would find yourself at a divorce lawyer.

S.,
I feel your pain because my husband is similar, in that his job will lead him nowhere but he is motivated to try options (not for money) but it keeps him focused and to some extent fulfilled.
No one can tell you how to fix things, your husband seems stuck in his own negativity and YOU prop him up. He depends on that too because he knows as soon as you are able, you will do it all again and the cycle continues.
Hard decisions are inevitable or else you must just live with the fact that he will not or cannot change.
Ask yourself some hard questions:
1. Do you want to make him into something he's not
2. Are you willing to accept him no matter what
3. Do you love him enough to do it all alone
4. Is your resentment so bad that you are beginning to
compare positives of other male family/friends.
Obviously there are the kids to consider in all of this.
Really think out what you can cope with to be emotionally and physically comfortable, if it is doing it alone with no weight to carry... then do it, make sure though that you have family support.
If it is working with what you have now...set some boundaries and really mean them
Good luck
J. S

Hi S.-

Sorry to hear your dilema, I was once in a similar situation, but was not married and didn't have kids, so it was easier for me to finally leave him, and after 6 year I did. I think you need to give him an ultimatum, grow up or get out. I can only imagine how hard it must be with the kids and all, but is this the role model you want them to look up to? If he can't contribute and be a partner in the marriage, then what's the point, it sounds like he's just another child. I say tell him to pull his own weight, stop doing it for him. Maybe if forced he'll grow up.

Good luck,
T.

S. he is still the man you married. Even in the beginning you said he worked at family business. He was not more educated then, so from his par, nothing has changed. what has changed is you. you want him to want more for himself hence more for his family. You probably hoped that would happen as years pass by but the chance was always he wouldn't want more.
In these times, I'd stay put. Him getting loans now to get a degree without a guarantee for a better-paying job is not the smart move.
But i have the feeling you'll be frustrated with him no matter what because you have grown apart. That is something you need to sort out with yourself. I'd imagine you'd be happy that at least one of you has a good income. that is the case in most marriages...one makes more than the other, usually it's the husband, but not necessarily. Do I wish my husband were a bit more educated? sure, not for the money though, but for more in-depth conversations. I can't make him a PhD though and it's be senseless of me to ask him to do that.
The therapist comment made me laugh. Isn't it always some silly recommendation like 'dance your problems away.'
I think you need to sit down with yourself and figure out what you want.I bet you in the end it won't be his lack of motivation, rather than you have moved on and he just isn't fitting in anymore, or isn't someone you want to be with
good luck

First of all...it sounds like there are many issues that you need to resolve or work on with yourself and your husband.

First...I would ask you why are you so intent on forcing your husband to change jobs if he likes the one he has? In this economy, it's not a good idea at all to try and change jobs, especially if he has one that is stable and he brings home money (even if it's not as much as YOU'd like). You say he doesn't even have to use his brain for his job and I think that is selling him short. Have you done his job? Maybe it's not as demanding physically, mentally or emotionally as yours but I do not think you have the right to judge him when he is working and has been for a long time.

Second, it sounds like you want him to grow socially and in other ways. Why is this? What is wrong with the person he is now? Is it that you want to plan for the future but think he's just living in the present instead of planning for the future? I know a lot of people like that and it causes a lot of problems. My husband tends to live in the present and I'm always thinking/worrying about the future. But we're agreed that we both have different outlooks. It stresses him out when I try to think/plan for really far into the future because neither one of us knows what that holds.

Third, I am sorry to hear that you have a back injury. Do you have short or long term disability? If not, I realize that you are probably really hurting for money. But at least your husband has a job...there is no reason for you to get upset with him now that you have become hurt (as in I told you SO!) because that does nothing for your relationship.

Fourth, you said you are not attracted to him any longer. Is this because he is not doing 'what you want' him to do in life (excel, get a different job, etc)? If so, it sounds like what you want is a doll instead of a husband. Someone to dress up, choose a career, tell what to do, etc.

Fifth, you said he is now taking on all the responsiblities that you did in the past. If you wanted help in the past with the bills, kids, etc, you should have demanded it from him. If you let him slip and not do his equal share, then it's not entirely his fault.

Please understand that I am not trying to bash you or lash out at your. I am trying to look at this from your perspective, based, on what you have said above. And I think that you are partially at fault here. You married him....if he hasn't changed in ways you 'thought' he would, then shame on you for marrying someone you thought you could change. If he's the same man you married X number of years ago, then maybe it is you that has changed and not him?

I would suggest going to counseling on your own to express what you really want from him and your marriage. Maybe you are finding out that the two of you have grown apart in the recent years and there is no mending.

Or maybe you will realize that you are trying to get him to change the way he is because there are things YOU want him to do/become/etc but you fail to realize his is happy with who he is.

Good luck and I am glad you are trying to work things out!

PS: I realize the above things probably sounded harsh and mean...I was not trying to be that way...Just being honest!