44 answers

Marriage Issue - Bellingham,WA

I want to delete this post now, but not sure how...

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So What Happened?™

Thank you to everyone. I can take the harshest criticism because it's true. I am jealous. I am insecure. I need to work on myself.
I need to appreciate my husband more. I need to examine my own motivations. I am struggling.

Featured Answers

Elsa, you are pushing him into this. He has a right to be friends up to a certain point with his ex, the mother of his children. If you didn't fight with him over it and make him feel like he has no freedom, he wouldn't care nearly as much.

If this were a woman at work, you'd have a lot more to be worried about. At least the FB stuff is right in front of you, transparent. That's soooo much more preferable to texting and phone calls that "have" to be away from you because you are dominating him so hard about this.

You cannot change the fact that they were married to each other. It is his right to not hate her just because you want him to. It is his right to still speak with her, even if it's not exclusively about parenting. Feed his needs emotionally as his BEST friend instead of him feeling like you are his worst enemy. That's the way to keep him from going to her to talk about his dwindling relationship with you.

Good luck,
D.

8 moms found this helpful

Calm down.

Take a deep breath.

He did exactly what you wanted him to do. Appreciate it. Focus on how hard it was for him to do it. And say THANK YOU to him.

Then back off on the other things. He has an obligation to be involved with her as his children's mother and have a good relationship is good for his kids.

And yes, it seems right.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm really confused - you hashed it out over and over again - finally he calls his ex and tells her he can't be friends on FB - are you still mad?

He heard you and got off the FB with his ex wife - correct. He was decent enough to call her about it. He told her why and I think that was fine.

All should be good in the world.

Since I don't have an ex that I have children with - I can't really comment about it - but I worked for a guy who his wife and ex called at the exact same amount of time - he talked to both - he and his ex got along better than they did when they were married. He and his ex were both still parenting their children. His wife and ex did not get along at all.

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

You sound like a selfish, jealous wife. Quit whining about his contact with his ex. He hasn't done anything wrong. He is with you. He chose you. Appreciate that and start acting like his life partner instead of the warden.
Your insecurity will drive him away from you if you don't get it together.

12 moms found this helpful

All I know is that I have plenty of friends who get along better with their exes than they ever did when they were married. It seems strange, I know, but it works for them. They can communicate with each other and about the kids and there's no animosity or anger or old 'baggage". Now that they aren't together, they respect each other more. And, the kids are happier for it. No kids like their parents being enemies all the time.
These people have moved on to new marriages and relationships and share kids back and forth so there is some semblance of family for all the kids.
I'm not taking anyone's sides here, but it seems that perhaps the ex wife avoids you because I would guess it's clear you don't want her communicating with your husband. If she's ever gotten wind that she makes you feel second rate, because she shares children with him, what is she supposed to do? Disappear?
Your husband told her he will no longer facebook her because it bothers you.
That's the truth, right?
He said he was sorry and didn't want to hurt her feelings.
That's probably also the truth.
But, he did what you ultimately wanted.
I'm sure, as a man, and as your husband, he was thinking, "This can be one less thing she can be upset with me for." So, he did it.
You're having a hard time accepting their communication and now you're having a hard time that they won't be communicating on the premise that it upsets you.

I think it's really hard sometimes to find where we fit in when there is an ex spouse and other kids involved. But, they won't just go away and sometimes we have to examine our own insecurities over the subject.
I think you are feeling he hasn't let go enough to make you feel safe and he is probably feeling like he wouldn't be a good dad if he just cut the ex off.
Surely you can find a happy medium.
What's the saying? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?
I have no idea of any of the history, but you might try befriending her to an extent. If you are someone she really likes and feels good about having her children around, it might make it more difficult for her to consider doing anything to disrupt that.
It's worth a try anyway.

I don't think your husband did anything wrong.
Just my opinion.

10 moms found this helpful

Elsa, you are pushing him into this. He has a right to be friends up to a certain point with his ex, the mother of his children. If you didn't fight with him over it and make him feel like he has no freedom, he wouldn't care nearly as much.

If this were a woman at work, you'd have a lot more to be worried about. At least the FB stuff is right in front of you, transparent. That's soooo much more preferable to texting and phone calls that "have" to be away from you because you are dominating him so hard about this.

You cannot change the fact that they were married to each other. It is his right to not hate her just because you want him to. It is his right to still speak with her, even if it's not exclusively about parenting. Feed his needs emotionally as his BEST friend instead of him feeling like you are his worst enemy. That's the way to keep him from going to her to talk about his dwindling relationship with you.

Good luck,
D.

8 moms found this helpful

You are going to ruin your relationship with him over this. You knew he had an ex when you married him, right? You knew he had kids? My ex and I are good friends and it is SO MUCH BETTER for the kids that we are. They watch how we act toward each other. We aren't FB friends but I wouldn't have a problem with that. We all go out to dinner for my kids' birthdays. His wife doesn't get her underwear in a bunch over it. She has him and I don't. But we'll always be tied together as our kids' parents. My fiance is good friends with his ex -- they have three girls and they talk all the time. I think it's a great thing. I think you are acting like a jealous, insecure woman. Stop it.

8 moms found this helpful

"Why do I keep hashing out the same issue over and over again with my husband?" I don't know why DO you? It's a losing battle.
He sounds like a good guy to me. Respectful, caring and considerate....ooooooo...tell him to knock it off?
Seriously, why would you even care? You are his wife. She is his ex. Obviously this isn't a secret F/B arrangement--sounds like he has nothing to hide.
You got your wish--he defriended her on F/B. And he told her why. Did you want him to lie? Now you're the one that kind of looks like an immature, jealous wife. Bad move.
I know it's hard (well, I don't but I can imagine) but you would be a first rate wife and mother if you took it upon yourself to become friends with this woman. At least civil. You have lots oj common--your husband, the children, etc. Why waste time promoting an antagonistic relationship? Who is that serving? No one.
I don't mean to sound too harsh but the only thing this attitude is doing is making you appear small.

7 moms found this helpful

Your husband needs to be able to speak with the mother of his children. I think it is good that they can speak on facebook on the phone and in person when necessary.

Why are you so insecure about the 2 of them being friends? I know many divorced couples that are not just facebook friends but friends in general. They do not want to go back to their exes but they have history and have children together so they are friendly. There is no rule that divorced people cannot be friends.

My mother and father had a TERRIBLE/HORRIBLE divorce and it took them decades to be able to even be in the same place at the same time. It made it very stressful for all of us. My sister is in her mid 40's and she still has not gotten over the trauma. Our parents now get along, but my sister is bothered that they were not friendly while we were children. The best gift they can give their children is to get along.

Instead of fighting about the same thing, step back and write down exactly what you feel you need from him. Write down your concerns about their friendship and the issue with them being friendly and speaking with each other. . Write down what type of relationship you feel he should have with the ex. Be totally truthful with yourself and him.

Then take a look at the children and decide what type of life they deserve and see if you requests fit in there. The children were his before you. You are the wife, but you are also the adult.

I am sending you strength, clarity, honesty and patience.

7 moms found this helpful

I'm going to disagree with the previous responders a bit and offer a different take- I find it terribly disrespectful to your MARRIAGE that your husband would maintain any sort of relationship with his EX-wife that makes you feel insecure. My husband and I both have children with our former spouses that we're now raising together. Yes, it is imperative that former spouses are able to co-parent their children amicably. However, there has to be a clear line between who his current Mrs. is, and the place the ex holds in his life. She's not his buddy, best friend, or confidant- that person had better be YOU. If it's not, then I agree that there is something wrong. My husband and I set the standard for our marriage that neither of us would ever do anything that gives the IMPRESSION of disrespecting the other. It has worked beautifully for us. I wish you the best of luck, and offer my support to you- In my relationship with my ex, I was constantly feeling like I was "not quite good enough" and sure enough, he was looking for something different. I hope that's not the case with you- maybe counseling would help.

6 moms found this helpful

He did what you asked, AND remained honest with her.
He has a general desire to protect feelings of women he cares about.
He made what was presumably an effort (probably took a while) to end up on friendly terms with his ex (particularly important for the children).

It is too bad it took him so long to understand that you were 'for real' and your feelings weren't going to change just because he didn't think they made sense ... but he CHOSE YOU (again).

He acted with honor to both parties, tried to save your feelings by calling her while you were going to be gone, and has prioritized the relationship with the woman he is married to.

If you want him to get into a habit of prioritizing your relationship, make sure you don't punish good behavior ...

6 moms found this helpful

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