J.M. asks from Colchester, CT on January 16, 2013
Marriage Is Failing, Husband Wants to Move
My world is being turned upside down and I'm in need of support from every direction. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have 2 young children. We have been unhappy in our marriage for many years but have had some good times as a family and a couple. We were both laid off within this last year and have had family stressors all along. Most recently, I found out my husband has made contact with women online and has spoken to some or many. He has pretty much come out to say that he wants a seperation and that we are not compatible and deserve to be happy if that means being apart. He has been going online for years and I believe wishes he was someone else living some other life without his wife and children. He says he wants to up and move south since that is where he has always wanted to be. Except, this time he wants to do it without his family. He has always been perpetually angry and unsatisfied with life and people in general, literally, he is very angry and gets physically angry, yelling at the kids and me constantly. his way of dealing with this is going online and getting support and compassion from strangers. Don't getr me wrong, I have played a part in neglecting this marriage from time to time, but have always tried to keep us together and me a good mother to our children which he has always believed in. I'm willing to work on our issues as I have been in the past, but he has never been fond of seeing a therapist and would rather not spend money on them. basically, he wants to find a job in the south and move there on a trial basis and see if he likes it, meanwhile, wants me to stay at home with the kids and start a new job. If he likes it down there, he may want us to join him???? I have said that our marriage in it's current state could not survive such a move at this time, and it could mean the begiining of the end since we're almost at that point now. But he insists that he needs to move first before wasting time on seeing a therapist because in the end he wants out of this state. I'm shocked at this because he has always been a very moral, value drivin, family first type of person. I'm wondering if I should just let him go, but not sure how this will impact me legally and emotionally. I have been forced to take a much lower paying job so that I can at least work and get health benefits for our children. I cannot pay our mortgage on my salary, nto take care of my children alone. I have told him that I'm willing to fight for this marriage but he's still very very resistent and insisting that he needs to make this move or he'll continue to be msierable!! help
So What Happened?™
I cannot thank you all enough for your responses. I have never reached out for support online, but now I'm so happy I have. This last week or so has been the hardest of my life and although I feel like I'm sort of emotionally stronger then my last writing, I know the road ahead is going to be extremely difficult to say the least. Much has happened since my last writing. My husband has no immediate plans to move as in the next few weeks, but ultimtely, wants to move south, and yes, he confessed that he met someone from out of town and spent 3 hours with her and this has changed him?? apparantly, she payed attention to him and this opened his eyes as to how awful our marraige has been over the last 13 years. He became obsessed with her and tried to reach out to her, but she doesn't want to be involved with a married man and has told him to seek counseling for his marriage. BAsically, he doesn't know if he wants to be married and is in a deep depression and midlife crisis..I know all of this because I have found a blog he has been keeping and it's all there in writing. The trust in our marriage has been broken and I don't kow if it can be repaired, he has said that he did not accept her advances that night, but I think he wishes he did. He says I'm being too paranoid and I need to get over these trust issues, he says he did nothing wrong as he did not cheat on me. HE says he doesn't want a divorce right now, but doesn't know if he wants to be married. So much has happened and I'm so conflicted, not so much as to why I would want to be married to someone who doesn't know if they want to be married to me, as I deserve better, I guess at this point I can't decide when I need to file for divorce..I don't want to make this easy for him as he should not be able to just get up and go and not have the emotional guilt of the chidlren. I did go see an attorney last week to learn my rights, it was helpful, but I'm not ready to put my kids through all this change at least not until I have gotten stronger. He needs to get a job as he's in between jobs right now, and altho he's responsible for child support, I can't get blood from a stone. He has been the bread winner and makes much much more then me. I don't have an immediate financial issue, but I need to protect myself and my kids. I have survived my first week bac to work and it felt great. I will be enrolling myself and kids on insurance plan and seeking a therapist for myself. I have the support of my family and friends, but I'm physically sick from feeling this way.
M.H. answers from Dallas on January 17, 2013
I agree with some of the others. You need to let him go. It sounds like you are the only one willing to make it work and that won't work. It takes two committed to making it work. You know, he may go and realize the grass isn't greener. On the other hand, once he's gone, you may find that you don't really want him back.
4 moms found this helpful
B.F. answers from Dallas on January 16, 2013
Tell him if he leaves you will be suing him for desertion. He is not a good guy. Most likely he has a honey somewhere and if it works out with her, he won't be sending for you. Get a lawyer. Go to a womans shelter and talk to them.
3 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from Honolulu on January 16, 2013
Get a darn smart and aggressive Lawyer.
Do your homework.
How the hell, does he expect you do handle ALL the mortgage/health insurance/child costs, alone?
This is like abandonment.
His moving to wherever, is a "separation."
And yah, how will that all impact you legally?
What IF, you CANNOT even contact him, once he does move? Then what? HOW will you, even get anything signed by him or approved or followed up on, AND per anything legal or per accounts or joint accounts etc.? Much less about child support.
AND what if, he wipes your accounts clean, or leaves tons of debt for you to clean up...when he is gone? What will you do? He could just disappear. And not even tell you where he is. (My friend's Ex, did that to her).
You need a Lawyer.
Take control of this situation.
Don't let him control it.
Tell him if he goes, he can't expect you to just wait.
You cannot trust him.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING and do not tell him.
Get a journal and note down all passwords, account numbers, scan it and make copies etc. Do it, NOW.
AND note down his Social Security number too. And make a copy of his Driver's License.
Do all of this, WITHOUT him knowing.
Because if he disappears, you can probably locate him, this way.
You really need, to be able to track him... should he move away and disappears.
Hope you also have a current photo of him.
*ETA: you said "he wants to find a job in the south and move there on a trial basis and see if he likes it, meanwhile, wants me to stay at home with the kids and start a new job. If he likes it down there, he may want us to join him????"
BUT, you need to remember, this is NO guarantee. Of anything. It is just talk. He... could move down there. And have his own life. Not even contacting you nor the kids. And, he could very well cancel his cell phone number and then not even tell you. Then, with no phone number, you cannot even contact him. Nor know where he is, unless, he tells you.
And what about any mail, of his? Will he even tell you of a forwarding address? Or he might just give you a P.O. Box number. You can't contact him that way. Nor know where he is.
Sorry, but it seems pretty obvious, he is abandoning everything. Oh, but he wants you to get a job and stay home with the kids. And basically handle everything at home, while he blows off all his responsibilities.
And if you have the kids and have a job and are so busy, he knows you can't just leave.
You better get professional answers to all of this, because there will be lots of legal, problems. And bills and money problems. Because, he will not be there.
I certainly hope, you know his family well enough to contact them for info, should he leave and you can't contact him.
And, did you TELL your family... all of this???
Your Husband is leaving. Face it.
But, if he divorces you, then he will have to pay child support.
So if he does it this way, with the excuse that he is moving and looking for a job etc., he doesn't have to pay child support, because you both are still "married." Not legally divorced.
Get a Lawyer, now.
Before he leaves.
He is leaving you, stuck with the kids, a house mortgage which you cannot pay, and bills and debt.
Does your Husband, realize you will lose the house?
Does he want all of you to be HOMELESS?
There is no guarantee, he will contact you once he moves.
And he doesn't have to answer, your calls.
You will not be able to contact him, at all.
18 moms found this helpful
B.. answers from Dallas on January 16, 2013
" I'm shocked at this because he has always been a very moral, value drivin, family first type of person."
NO, he is NOT. He is talking to other women online (and doing God knows what else,) he gets physically angry, yells and berates you and YOUR children. This is in NO WAY a family man, a moral man, or a value driven man. If he were, those things would never happen. He is a jerk, and you don't even see it. He doesn't care about you. Do you think he doesn't know moving will mean the end of your marriage, and that you won't end up there?
You NEED to speak with a lawyer. If he leaves and you divorce, he owes you support. He owes you support, if you don't divorce. You really need legal counsel, and I strongly believe you need counseling by yourself. You can't see how dysfunctional and terrible this marriage is. Who cares if he won't go? You should. Please seek counsel, both legal and emotional.
17 moms found this helpful
D.. answers from Miami on January 16, 2013
You need to talk to a divorce lawyer. I really mean it. He is stringing you along. He's not going to be faithful, and you don't even know if he'll pay child support.
Go talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. He is leaving you. He just isn't being honest about it.
14 moms found this helpful
G.W. answers from Dallas on January 16, 2013
This may be my reading too much into the situation, but are you sure there isn't someone down south that he wants to be near? Just asking since you said he has talked to others online. So sorry, wish I had something better to offer you. This is undoubtedly very sad for you and your kids.
10 moms found this helpful
A.B. answers from Dallas on January 16, 2013
This is a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to leave, most likely present himself as a single man, walk away from his obligations and string you along where he can come back to you if he decides being single isn't so much fun and so that you don't get a court order for him to pay child support and split finances. Call a lawyer, file for divorce and consider it good riddance.
9 moms found this helpful
T.V. answers from San Francisco on January 16, 2013
He not only wants "out of this state".....he wants out! Please ask him what he is willing to do (financially) for you and your children...BEFORE, he makes the big move to insure you will not be asked to leave your home.
You must also seek a plan of action based on your capability.
It's a sad and scary situation, but it isn't as bad as living in a house where you know there is NO love and NO commitment.
May God keep you strong and able to be there for your children. Your husband is "clearly" unable to do for his family.
8 moms found this helpful
K.I. answers from Los Angeles on January 16, 2013
"If he likes it down there, he may want us to join him'??? "May" are you freaking kidding me with that??
If it were me, and my husband wanted to ditch us that way, I would show him the door!
Make sure you know his SS# (I know my husband's by heart) so the child support registry people can find him...b/c chances are once he gets settled he is NOT going to be in much contact with you, IMO, that is.
Sounds to me, that he has found someone online who lives down south...
8 moms found this helpful
P.M. answers from Indianapolis on January 17, 2013
I love my husband so much.
But I love myself and my daughters more.
If he wanted to leave our family I'd pack for him!
7 moms found this helpful