18 answers

Marriage in Trouble - Piedmont,SC

Im a 21 year old mother of two (8 weeks and 2 years old) married to my high school sweetheart for 2 years after being together for 4. Now i dont even know why i feel inlove with him! I have been a stay at home mother since my first child was born and i dont hardly ever laugh now because all i know is cleaning cooking and watching tv...I use to be such a outgoing person with lots of friends and intrest and now i couldnt tell you what i would do for fun if i had someone to do things with. My husband will not do anything i like doing (dancing, kareokee, skating, walking) because he says hes tired and doesnt like people. But doesnt my happiness matter? After telling him for over a year that i need attention from him and i need to get out of the house or i will leave him he still will not do anything. the only thing he has done is try being sweet like siting beside me watching tv or making me a sandwich....I thought i married my best friend now i feel so lonely i dont know what to do. Now i dont even have 1 friend i can just call and talk or go to lunch with...i think im ready to leave him what is your advice in it all

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I agree with everyone when they say that you had kids and got married way too young. And I can say this with extensive personal experience! Here is a link to an essay I wrote about my experience which I ended up writing prior to finding out at 29 that I was pregnant with #5 but that's a whole 'nother chapter in my book of life! http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-73945 I would be glad to share my experience in more detail or be a sympathetic ear if you need it.

Well i really think you should talk to him first because that's not a good reason to leave,you have two small kids,it's really hard to raise them alone.Try going out to have a sandwich alone sometime and leave the kids with him.

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A.,
You sound like a very sensitive person; I am sorry that you feel so alone. By finding this website, you have opened the door to new possibilities. What about Facebook--maybe you could find old friends with whom you have lost contact. Do you have a church home? That would be something your whole family could do together, and would have other benefits as well. Or a playgroup with other moms and their kids? Is there a park close by where you could go with the kids? There would probably be other moms there to provide some adult interaction for you while the kids have fun. Will your husband keep the kids on the weekend while you go someplace and maybe volunteer? Possibly getting your mind on the hardships of others will improve your outlook. I don't mean this to sound unsympathetic--that's just the way human behavior generally operates. If you have financial resources and transportation, Kindermusik classes are a fantastic place to nurture your kids while giving you a chance to interact with other moms who have common concerns. But, in the end, remember that anyone can only change herself; you have no power to change your husband. I would suggest that you try to notice more of the things your husband does that you like. It seems that he is not entirely inconsiderate. I have heard about a counselor who advised a woman in your situation to try acting like she was totally in love with her husband for a year before she decided to leave--that would really hurt him like he had hurt her. At the end of the year she didn't want to leave; she was in love with him once more.

1 mom found this helpful

OK, this may sound harsh, but, news flash for you, the world actually doesn't revolve around you. I hear so many I, I , I ,I, etc in your post. Is it just that your hubby is more of a homebody than you are? Thank God my husband didn't decide to leave me for that, cause he is certainly more ourgoing than I am. But honestly what is sounds like to me is that you got married really young, had kids really young and missed out on that time in your life where you got to be free and do what you wanted to do. But you have to let go of that. You have a family now and you made a commitment to that. I will never understand how people can take that so lightly. Love your husband, respect him, build him up and he will respond to that and try to do things for you as well. Certainly tell him what you want and need, but don't do it in a whiny, b*&^*y way or nothing will happen. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 thing, you gotta give 100% every day, no matter what the other person gives. And I completely disagree with the other woman thing someone else brought up. You said nothing in your post that screams other woman to me. Sounds like you got a guy that likes to hole up in his cave and you're the social butterfly. The fun of life is finding ways to make things work, even when you are two different people. I think that other person my be talking from a personal experience and her opinion colored a bit by that. Good luck and give it your all.

Well i really think you should talk to him first because that's not a good reason to leave,you have two small kids,it's really hard to raise them alone.Try going out to have a sandwich alone sometime and leave the kids with him.

Hi A.,
Based upon what you have stated, it doesn't seem like you are not in love with your highschool sweethart/ husband. It seems like you decided to get married and have children at a young age, now reality is catching up with you. In other words, it is natural for most women you start a family at a young age, feel like they are missing something. That absence is not worth losing your family. Study your husband to discover how you to sure spend some fun time together. Also, make sure it is not a money issue or concern with me, in which could be a reason he doesn't want to have fun.

Do you have anyone you trust that could watch your children? If so, plan a special night for the both of you, at the house, by getting creative. Once he get the feeling of how fun it is, to be with you solo, his desire will increase. It is so important for us women to study our husband's likes and dislikes, what turns them on and off, how to please him. Remember, we as women are teachers. In most cases then not, men need to be taught many things.

I also think you need some girlfriends, your husband cannot provide what a girlfriend can. I think it's easy for us women to lose ourselves in our families and forget that we too need stimulation mentally from the outside world. It's hard raising small children and it can feel very lonely. My husband too seemed as if he didn't have time for me since he worked so much and didn't have the energy to do much with me or even anything at all. I know now later it wasn't he didn't love or care about me he was just plan tired. I now have things that I do first off yes take care of the kids me most of the time say 99.9%. I also was a sub at my son's prek I got my children into prek early and became a sub at a local church it worked out really well I made friends and I got paid while my child was learning and socializing. Since I have children in elementary I joined the PTA and have made some wonderful friendship from that as well. So now I feel as if I have claimed my life and have people and friends outside of my relationship with my family but because of my family I have these relationships and they help me, these ladies are truly my friends, I now don't need my husband they same way I did before I need him as my husband he still is my bestfriend but I'm not putting everything of being a bestfriend on him that's alot of pressure. He too has friends and has made friend with some of the husband's from my friends.
Now as far as you and hubby I' get someone to watch the kids or wait until everyone is in bed and have special dinner to share with him and a move at home I'd work on his and my relationship in a different way and maybe sometime the walking, dancing will come back around to be something we share little by little. I'd also check into some of the advice from the other ladies I've made some great friends over this site and I've got some great advice as well. Just some thoughts and I wish you the best I know things will turn around for you soon.

First off you need to know that this is normal to feel; I am a stay at home mom of three kids, and I know how you feel. Second; just because you got married young and had kids young does not mean your marriage is doomed. I got married at 20 and had my first child at 22. Any marriage no matter how old you are when you get married; takes work from both sides. Sometimes your marriages is going to feel like your the only one working at it and sometimes your going to feel that your marriage never had any problems at all. My husband works; what I feel are long hours and comes home tired, and gets upset when I ask him to help clean up. There are times when I feel this is a lack of support on his part; but then I remember how tired I was when I was working, and I try and be more understanding. I wanted to go out once a week no kids; once a week was a little too much for our budget, but every other week has been perfect, at first it was a chore to drag my husband out when all he wanted to do was sleep. Now we both look forward to our date nights; we take turns planning the date and we feel this make a chance that we both do things we like. I also try to give my husband at least 30 mins of time to sit and do nothing before I bombard him with the kids and how hard my day was. I also try at least one day a month where I go out with friends for a few hours. If I can't get a chance to get out with friends; then I have him watch the kids and soak in the bubble bath with a good book. You also need to make sure that your not going through postpartum depression; I went through it with my second child and it made me feel like the whole world was against me.

It's really easy to let the strains of everday life rob your marriage of the joy, spice, and romance you once enjoyed. I emphathize with your situation because I too am a stay-at-home and I find it often tedious at times to find time not only for myself, but also for my husband. And when my husband comes home, he's so tired, if it doesn't have anything to do with playing his video games, watching television, or having intercourse, I feel that it's not important to him. I think that you both are at a crossroad, where life has become so redundant and so predictable that you've forgotten how to romance each other. My husband and I now have a day set aside for 'family' time where nothing or noone is allowed to interrupt that time. In addition, we found something that we both enjoyed doing (which was hard since we are as different as night and day); playing dominoes, and we play at least ten games every other night. Don't be so quick to throw away your marriage over this. Try to find a common ground and build on that. Remember what attracted you to him in the first place, and think of how your children would feel without their father as a mainstay in their lives.
In addition, find time for yourself. Being a stay-at-home-mother is often a thankless job. Your duties truly never end. Often the first to rise, and the last to go to bed, you can't just leave your work at work like your husband can. Your job is truly never-ending. So find some downtime for yourself to rejuvinate. Because a happy and relaxed woman, makes for a happy and relaxed mother and wife. Here are two articles that I think you will find helpful as well http://www.helium.com/items/1434202-how-to-keep-romance-a...
http://www.helium.com/items/1460084/-the-significance-of-...
I wish you, your husband, and your family much sucess in your endeavor to work your marriage out.

It sounds like you are suffering from post-partum depression. You need to get help for this. Your outlook on life will improve SO much if you can get help for the postpartum issues. Also, I really recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (I think you can get it at the library.) It can seriously save your marriage and help both you and your husband be happy again. It is a quick, easy, and fun read, and totally worth it. Also, you need to take the long term perspective on your marriage and really work for it. It sounds like you are quick to say you will leave your husband. You shouldn't say things like that. You didn't get married to leave him. I know how hard it can be to have two small children. I have five, ages 12 to 2. My first two were only 18 months apart, and I was your age at the time. Hang in there. Don't give up, and please don't do anything drastic like leave your husband. Work it out. You need each other, and your kids deserve to have parents that love each other.
I suggest you read this great article about postpartum depression. It happens to a lot of women who have had babies...http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&...
I wish you the best.

A., I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! Maybe you could focus on yourself then maybe he will see what he is missing and would want to be with you more! For example, find some mom groups where you can take your kids and meet people. That way maybe you could get other moms to keep your kids for a little bit so you can get out and go shopping, get manacure etc. Maybe you have already tried this but if not it is worth a shot. I know the first two years are the hardest in a marriage and with kids i'm sure it is even harder! My husbad & I were married for 6 years before we just had our first. We had to learn a lot about each other! It does seem like guys enjoy being at home more. Also, it is so important to learn the differences between men & women, it would help you understand his feelings & him yours. I wouldn't give up yet!

Hi A.,

I am so sorry to hear your marriage is in trouble. Marriage is not easy and the only way I have had such a good marriage is to keep God first in my life. I am not saying mine is close to perfect but it is very good. There have been a lot of compromises on both sides to keep it that way. I have made many mistakes and continue to make them. I know it must be very difficult being a stay at home mom and not having anyone to talk to. I am a 36 year old stay at home mom of 2 girls (4 1/2 years old and 5 months). My name is E. Johnson. You can email me at ____@____.com. Regardless of whether you contact me or not I will be praying for you and your marriage. :)

I understand what you are going through. If he was your best friend i would try to make it work. Maybe you all could see what interest you might have in common and this might bring him around. I would try bowling or have a date night (you choose an activity, then let him choose)another could be playing games, like playstation or the wii if that doesn't work, try to make friends and go have a good time.

Think of the consequences if you leave. Will you take the children? Where will you live? How will you support yourself? Who will take care of the children while you're working? Since you did not mention your education, what kind of salary would you expect you could earn? Could you cover expenses and daycare? Where would your husband live if you and the children left? Would he leave town? Have a full plan BEFORE you leave! Everyone deserves to be happy, but there are legal issues since you have children.

Dear A.,
I don't know if you are a Christian woman or not but there lies a love of the truth in all our hearts that is undeniable... simply because we are all human and so beautifully and wonderfully made. I prayed about your situation all morning and into the afternoon.
You are very young and have alot of responsibilities for a woman of your age. Your youth also allows for you to grow and engage in many opportunities.
I am going to speak to you as a woman twice your age who wishes that some of the knowledge and wisdom I have gained I would have learned a long time ago.
When I was marrying my own husband of sixteen years and twenty-one years together the one comment that the priest made that struck me so clearly was that as husband and wife our ultimate goal in life would be to help each other get into heaven. I didn't quite know what he meant at the time and I just knew that I was in love deeply with my spouse.
Well three children and many years married we endured hardships financially and emotionally that would have torn apart the best of marriages. What saved us and our family was that God knew our hearts. I became involved in a group called "Familia" which is a study group that teaches us God's plan for marriage and the family. I looked deep in my heart and realized that my focus and priorities had been so disordered for so long and I didn't even realize it. I always put my children and their needs ahead of my spouse. I complained alot. I was envious of what other people had and the lives that I imagined them leading.
After attending these classes, my marriage went through a dark trial and again was saved by God's grace. I was depressed and didn't realize it after my third child. I refused to get the help that I needed at the time and things gradually started to fall apart.
Later I was to learn in retrospect what I blessing this trial would be. It forced us to seek the help that we needed and put our marriage first. We attended a weekend called "Retrouvaille" which taught us some good communication skills and provided us with effective tools for problem solving. We engaged the help of a well-educated, experienced and faith-filled counselor.

This all served as a jump start and motivation for both myself and now at this point, my husband to want to commit fully in our vocation to each other and our spiritual lives. I sought the help of a spiritual director (who I found through a retreat house). One of the best pieces of advice I received from her was to start writing in a "Journal of Blessings". I was not to write or focus on my hardships or worries in life...just my blessings. The other best thing that both my husband and I have done was to take the focus off of ourselves and begin doing volunteer work to serve the needy as much as possible. Now both together and separately we have participated in 8 different mission trips to orphanages housing disabled and abandoned children. My husband also has helped direct a men's group at our church to assist men to become the spiritual role models and leaders of their families. He has spoken to a number of men who have their own difficulties and has told them that the best gift they can give to their children is to love their wives.
I thank God every day for my change in perspective and attitude.
Now my advice for you is to disengage in any activity (i.e. watching television) which doesn't build up you or your family. Engage in reading spiritual books that will help you be the best version of yourself and be of the most benefit to both you and your family. Some good reads are "Chosen and Cherished" by Kimberly Hahn and Scott Hahn's "First Comes Love." As an easy and insightful read you might want to try "Amazing Grace for Married Couples".
Your baby is only 8 weeks and your emotions can run amuck d/t hormonal imbalances. Seek the help of a professional as needed before making any life changing decisions. Exercise can serve us like 20mg of Prozac any day. Take care of yourself physically and ask your husband to join you in a workout. Seek the help of family so that you and your husband can devote to spending quality time together at the minimum of once a month if not more frequently. Do not rely on just your feelings to guide you in your life. Feelings are great but are quite unreliable b/c the have a tendency to change direction like the wind.
Build your house on "rock" and not sand. Seek a good professional counselor. You may also benefit greatly from a Retrouvaille weekend which is open to couples of all faiths and walks of life. Retrouvaille taught me that the word "love" is not a noun. Love is a verb and it begins with a will of the mind.
Also remembering your blessings... your two children and a husband that provides for his famiy which has allowed you thus far to stay home. Divorce it not the easy answer it appears to be. Most people who divorce are just as unhappy if not more so five years later. The relationships of blended families of other spouses will further complicates all of your lives.
God Bless you and your family.

First, I am reading a great marriage book right now by Mark Gungor, "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage." They might have it at your library. He also has a radio show that you can listen to online: www.markgungorshow.com.

Second, what you really need is girlfriends. A man cannot take the place of your girlfriends; he is not supposed to. I recommend that you join your local moms club right away, and make sure to go to their moms night out every time they have it. www.momsclub.org.

Hope this helps,
A.

I agree with everyone when they say that you had kids and got married way too young. And I can say this with extensive personal experience! Here is a link to an essay I wrote about my experience which I ended up writing prior to finding out at 29 that I was pregnant with #5 but that's a whole 'nother chapter in my book of life! http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-73945 I would be glad to share my experience in more detail or be a sympathetic ear if you need it.

One of my dearest friends just turned 25 and has 4 kids. She, too married young (20). She went through a rough time of depression after their. Sounds like you may be similar. I will not lie to you, you did miss out on a lot of things, but that is no reason for your social life to cease to exist. My friend comes out once a month with us girls and they try to have a date night when they can find someone to watch all the kids. It's not easy. They have had many problems, but somehow, they have finally seemed to work through them. She wanted to leave once or twice and actually did for a couple of weeks. But in the end, they worked it out. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Many of us moms feel that way. You need to take some time for yourself. And you both need to take some time for each other. If he doesn't want to go sing kareoke, go with someone else for a girls night. I'll go with you. But still plan a night where you can do something together. My husband too is a homebody. I have two girls 6 and 3. We have a date night once every month or two. I have a girls night out at least once a month. I also have playdates where I am around other moms one night a week. We usually switch houses. They kids will play and we may have a glass of wine. Either way, find a way to get some grownup time. You will feel better. And your husband will probably understand like mine does. And go see your doctor. I am on Lexapro and it has helped me out a lot. It's a small dose, but it has done me good. You may need something just to help you get over the funk you are in. Good Luck to you, sweetie. And remember, you are NOT alone :)

I am in the exact same boat. I have been married to my hubby for almost 7 years. He is the most antisocial creature I have ever met. But, he is a good man, great husband (and my best friend) and a great dad to his kids. I have resorted to hanging out with my sisters and brother, which gets me out of the house, though not entirely fun all the time but we do get to vent about our guys and how they are all so alike. Being able to complain ABOUT him instead of AT him actually helps more than you know. I basically told him that I am tired of discussing it, and I will go out with my friends without him. He is coming around and has put forth more effort in going out, just the two of us. After kids are born, the romance goes bye bye for awhile. Not real sure when it comes back, as mine is still missing. Hang in there, and things will get better, but you do need to find time for you.

Hello A.,
All I can tell you is that if we all fixed our problems before thinking of separation, this will be a better world.
I suggest you watch Fireproof with him, it's an excellent movie that will help you both understand what a marriage is all about.
Good luck!

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