18 answers

Marriage in Trouble - Piedmont,SC

Im a 21 year old mother of two (8 weeks and 2 years old) married to my high school sweetheart for 2 years after being together for 4. Now i dont even know why i feel inlove with him! I have been a stay at home mother since my first child was born and i dont hardly ever laugh now because all i know is cleaning cooking and watching tv...I use to be such a outgoing person with lots of friends and intrest and now i couldnt tell you what i would do for fun if i had someone to do things with. My husband will not do anything i like doing (dancing, kareokee, skating, walking) because he says hes tired and doesnt like people. But doesnt my happiness matter? After telling him for over a year that i need attention from him and i need to get out of the house or i will leave him he still will not do anything. the only thing he has done is try being sweet like siting beside me watching tv or making me a sandwich....I thought i married my best friend now i feel so lonely i dont know what to do. Now i dont even have 1 friend i can just call and talk or go to lunch with...i think im ready to leave him what is your advice in it all

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I agree with everyone when they say that you had kids and got married way too young. And I can say this with extensive personal experience! Here is a link to an essay I wrote about my experience which I ended up writing prior to finding out at 29 that I was pregnant with #5 but that's a whole 'nother chapter in my book of life! http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-73945 I would be glad to share my experience in more detail or be a sympathetic ear if you need it.

Well i really think you should talk to him first because that's not a good reason to leave,you have two small kids,it's really hard to raise them alone.Try going out to have a sandwich alone sometime and leave the kids with him.

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A.,
You sound like a very sensitive person; I am sorry that you feel so alone. By finding this website, you have opened the door to new possibilities. What about Facebook--maybe you could find old friends with whom you have lost contact. Do you have a church home? That would be something your whole family could do together, and would have other benefits as well. Or a playgroup with other moms and their kids? Is there a park close by where you could go with the kids? There would probably be other moms there to provide some adult interaction for you while the kids have fun. Will your husband keep the kids on the weekend while you go someplace and maybe volunteer? Possibly getting your mind on the hardships of others will improve your outlook. I don't mean this to sound unsympathetic--that's just the way human behavior generally operates. If you have financial resources and transportation, Kindermusik classes are a fantastic place to nurture your kids while giving you a chance to interact with other moms who have common concerns. But, in the end, remember that anyone can only change herself; you have no power to change your husband. I would suggest that you try to notice more of the things your husband does that you like. It seems that he is not entirely inconsiderate. I have heard about a counselor who advised a woman in your situation to try acting like she was totally in love with her husband for a year before she decided to leave--that would really hurt him like he had hurt her. At the end of the year she didn't want to leave; she was in love with him once more.

1 mom found this helpful

OK, this may sound harsh, but, news flash for you, the world actually doesn't revolve around you. I hear so many I, I , I ,I, etc in your post. Is it just that your hubby is more of a homebody than you are? Thank God my husband didn't decide to leave me for that, cause he is certainly more ourgoing than I am. But honestly what is sounds like to me is that you got married really young, had kids really young and missed out on that time in your life where you got to be free and do what you wanted to do. But you have to let go of that. You have a family now and you made a commitment to that. I will never understand how people can take that so lightly. Love your husband, respect him, build him up and he will respond to that and try to do things for you as well. Certainly tell him what you want and need, but don't do it in a whiny, b*&^*y way or nothing will happen. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 thing, you gotta give 100% every day, no matter what the other person gives. And I completely disagree with the other woman thing someone else brought up. You said nothing in your post that screams other woman to me. Sounds like you got a guy that likes to hole up in his cave and you're the social butterfly. The fun of life is finding ways to make things work, even when you are two different people. I think that other person my be talking from a personal experience and her opinion colored a bit by that. Good luck and give it your all.

Well i really think you should talk to him first because that's not a good reason to leave,you have two small kids,it's really hard to raise them alone.Try going out to have a sandwich alone sometime and leave the kids with him.

Hi A.,
Based upon what you have stated, it doesn't seem like you are not in love with your highschool sweethart/ husband. It seems like you decided to get married and have children at a young age, now reality is catching up with you. In other words, it is natural for most women you start a family at a young age, feel like they are missing something. That absence is not worth losing your family. Study your husband to discover how you to sure spend some fun time together. Also, make sure it is not a money issue or concern with me, in which could be a reason he doesn't want to have fun.

Do you have anyone you trust that could watch your children? If so, plan a special night for the both of you, at the house, by getting creative. Once he get the feeling of how fun it is, to be with you solo, his desire will increase. It is so important for us women to study our husband's likes and dislikes, what turns them on and off, how to please him. Remember, we as women are teachers. In most cases then not, men need to be taught many things.

I also think you need some girlfriends, your husband cannot provide what a girlfriend can. I think it's easy for us women to lose ourselves in our families and forget that we too need stimulation mentally from the outside world. It's hard raising small children and it can feel very lonely. My husband too seemed as if he didn't have time for me since he worked so much and didn't have the energy to do much with me or even anything at all. I know now later it wasn't he didn't love or care about me he was just plan tired. I now have things that I do first off yes take care of the kids me most of the time say 99.9%. I also was a sub at my son's prek I got my children into prek early and became a sub at a local church it worked out really well I made friends and I got paid while my child was learning and socializing. Since I have children in elementary I joined the PTA and have made some wonderful friendship from that as well. So now I feel as if I have claimed my life and have people and friends outside of my relationship with my family but because of my family I have these relationships and they help me, these ladies are truly my friends, I now don't need my husband they same way I did before I need him as my husband he still is my bestfriend but I'm not putting everything of being a bestfriend on him that's alot of pressure. He too has friends and has made friend with some of the husband's from my friends.
Now as far as you and hubby I' get someone to watch the kids or wait until everyone is in bed and have special dinner to share with him and a move at home I'd work on his and my relationship in a different way and maybe sometime the walking, dancing will come back around to be something we share little by little. I'd also check into some of the advice from the other ladies I've made some great friends over this site and I've got some great advice as well. Just some thoughts and I wish you the best I know things will turn around for you soon.

First off you need to know that this is normal to feel; I am a stay at home mom of three kids, and I know how you feel. Second; just because you got married young and had kids young does not mean your marriage is doomed. I got married at 20 and had my first child at 22. Any marriage no matter how old you are when you get married; takes work from both sides. Sometimes your marriages is going to feel like your the only one working at it and sometimes your going to feel that your marriage never had any problems at all. My husband works; what I feel are long hours and comes home tired, and gets upset when I ask him to help clean up. There are times when I feel this is a lack of support on his part; but then I remember how tired I was when I was working, and I try and be more understanding. I wanted to go out once a week no kids; once a week was a little too much for our budget, but every other week has been perfect, at first it was a chore to drag my husband out when all he wanted to do was sleep. Now we both look forward to our date nights; we take turns planning the date and we feel this make a chance that we both do things we like. I also try to give my husband at least 30 mins of time to sit and do nothing before I bombard him with the kids and how hard my day was. I also try at least one day a month where I go out with friends for a few hours. If I can't get a chance to get out with friends; then I have him watch the kids and soak in the bubble bath with a good book. You also need to make sure that your not going through postpartum depression; I went through it with my second child and it made me feel like the whole world was against me.

It's really easy to let the strains of everday life rob your marriage of the joy, spice, and romance you once enjoyed. I emphathize with your situation because I too am a stay-at-home and I find it often tedious at times to find time not only for myself, but also for my husband. And when my husband comes home, he's so tired, if it doesn't have anything to do with playing his video games, watching television, or having intercourse, I feel that it's not important to him. I think that you both are at a crossroad, where life has become so redundant and so predictable that you've forgotten how to romance each other. My husband and I now have a day set aside for 'family' time where nothing or noone is allowed to interrupt that time. In addition, we found something that we both enjoyed doing (which was hard since we are as different as night and day); playing dominoes, and we play at least ten games every other night. Don't be so quick to throw away your marriage over this. Try to find a common ground and build on that. Remember what attracted you to him in the first place, and think of how your children would feel without their father as a mainstay in their lives.
In addition, find time for yourself. Being a stay-at-home-mother is often a thankless job. Your duties truly never end. Often the first to rise, and the last to go to bed, you can't just leave your work at work like your husband can. Your job is truly never-ending. So find some downtime for yourself to rejuvinate. Because a happy and relaxed woman, makes for a happy and relaxed mother and wife. Here are two articles that I think you will find helpful as well http://www.helium.com/items/1434202-how-to-keep-romance-a...
http://www.helium.com/items/1460084/-the-significance-of-...
I wish you, your husband, and your family much sucess in your endeavor to work your marriage out.

It sounds like you are suffering from post-partum depression. You need to get help for this. Your outlook on life will improve SO much if you can get help for the postpartum issues. Also, I really recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (I think you can get it at the library.) It can seriously save your marriage and help both you and your husband be happy again. It is a quick, easy, and fun read, and totally worth it. Also, you need to take the long term perspective on your marriage and really work for it. It sounds like you are quick to say you will leave your husband. You shouldn't say things like that. You didn't get married to leave him. I know how hard it can be to have two small children. I have five, ages 12 to 2. My first two were only 18 months apart, and I was your age at the time. Hang in there. Don't give up, and please don't do anything drastic like leave your husband. Work it out. You need each other, and your kids deserve to have parents that love each other.
I suggest you read this great article about postpartum depression. It happens to a lot of women who have had babies...http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&...
I wish you the best.

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