A.G. asks from Piedmont, SC on July 24, 2009
Marriage in Trouble
Im a 21 year old mother of two (8 weeks and 2 years old) married to my high school sweetheart for 2 years after being together for 4. Now i dont even know why i feel inlove with him! I have been a stay at home mother since my first child was born and i dont hardly ever laugh now because all i know is cleaning cooking and watching tv...I use to be such a outgoing person with lots of friends and intrest and now i couldnt tell you what i would do for fun if i had someone to do things with. My husband will not do anything i like doing (dancing, kareokee, skating, walking) because he says hes tired and doesnt like people. But doesnt my happiness matter? After telling him for over a year that i need attention from him and i need to get out of the house or i will leave him he still will not do anything. the only thing he has done is try being sweet like siting beside me watching tv or making me a sandwich....I thought i married my best friend now i feel so lonely i dont know what to do. Now i dont even have 1 friend i can just call and talk or go to lunch with...i think im ready to leave him what is your advice in it all
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M.B. answers from Athens on July 27, 2009
Sounds like you are really down and out! It won't help a thing but as mothers and wives we all have been there at some point in our lives.
The best advice my mom ever gave me was asking the question of myself "Do the good times out weigh the bad times?" When you are low they definitely feel like they do, however if you really think about it and think about what your husband does do for you or actually what he is rather than what he isn't? You might find yourself looking toward a better future, than trying to do it on your own if you leave.
Another thing to think about is, it isn't only about YOU anymore you have the children to think about and what your decision will mean to and for them the rest of their lives.
My advice to you is take time for yourself, if he doesn't want to go with you take a day off, or atleast a few hours to do the things you would like to do. It isn't as much fun, but you will be able to destress a little.
Another idea is get involved in a church and find new friends that will be a combination of a support group and people to relate to you and your children.
Bottom line, keep your focus on what you do have, rather than what you don't have - also, find someone that needs a helping hand an elderly person that would love a visit (nursing home) it is a proven way to help others is to help oneself. Older people love to see vistiors, and sometimes small children bring huge smiles to those that are lonely. You may get home and find that you appreciate your husband that will fix you a sandwich or sit on the couch with you.
I know, I have one of those too, but he doesn't want to even sit on the couch with me, the only movie we have been to in 23 years is the "Get r Done" movie a few years ago. But, he isn't a drunk, he doesn't cheat, he is a huge kid himself, and is more fun with the children around than not. He actually gives me hugs now, we really had to work on that one... but he still doesn't do a whole lot other than activities of his choice with me! But, he is who he is, and the good times do out weigh the bad...
Good Luck! and May God Bless you when you are up and even more so when you are down.
M. (mother of 4 oldest 27, youngest 16, grandmother of 2, married 23 years)
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A.R. answers from Atlanta on July 25, 2009
I would not advise waiting, I would seek counseling, for yourself. From what you shared, I don't think your husband would agree, so I encourage you to go individually. You seem to be wanting your husband to (help) make you happy. Once you are happy, the whole situation will look differently to you. Then, you can make the choice that is best for you. In any relationship, if we are attempting to change the other person, it doesn't work. People resist this type of "fixing".
In addition, as a couple you have gone from being teenagers in school and sharing friends to being adults with responsibilities, bills, mouths to feed, etc. etc. That is a major difference. Regardless of how mature you both were in school, you did not have the same stresses on the two of you. Married for 2 years with 2 young children is also very different.
It sounds as though it would be beneficial to speak with a professional for a short time.
I wish you all the best!
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D.L. answers from Atlanta on July 25, 2009
A., before you ever think of leaving, consider counselling from your pastor or a good therapist (a referral is best). Also, you just had a new baby and that takes alot out of anyone. I would seriously try to find a mothers time-out program where you can get together with other moms. Like MOPS (Mothers of Pre-schoolers). You do need to get out, but how about getting to the park where other mother's might spend time with their children. You may be able to share childcare. Don't make any drastic changes until you get help first. Could you have some post-partum symptoms, too little sleep? Try to not make him your whole life. That is a heavy load for anyone. They have some wonderful story times at the library where many mothers go to keep the children amused and another excellent and free way to meet others. Pray for guidance. Maybe see if a family member will give you a few hours to yourself to pamper YOU! A bubble bath, read a good book, take a walk, pray!!!!!! Go to a $1 movie. Don't give up, invest in your marriage. There is also a very good book called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. It's easy reading and very inspirational. God Bless You.
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V.E. answers from Atlanta on July 25, 2009
Leaving him will not solve your problems but will certainly give you many more to deal with. Single Moms have to work full time jobs,pay the rent,utilities, food and the child support you would get will no where near pay the bills. Look for Mothers Morning out groups at churches., Do you have a babysitter for you to get out? It's your responsibility to make friends for yourself. YOu also are probably feeling really down right now from post-partum depression. Ihad it bad after my 4th child and would cry at the drop of a hat. Never though it would improve as this baby cried about 18 hours a day. I was exhausted as you probably are. My last 2 were 18 months apart and without proper rest everything seems worse than it really is. Can a Grandma take the 2 for a day or a few hours and let you do something nice for yourself?? Can you swap some babysitting with someone? Take a good long look at what childcare costs today and what jobs are you qualified for. Removing the children's father from their daily lives because you are depressed is not at all fair to the babies. Do you participate in a religious group?If not, find something you can participate in. Most churches do have nursery care for the children and that would give you a break and a chance to be with others probably in a similar situation. Don't hold back because hubby won't go. Many go without spouses for whatever reason. Just the action of looking for solutions will probably help you to not feel quite so helpless. Good luck - this depression will pass and the more rest you can get the better. V.
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A.H. answers from Atlanta on July 25, 2009
I know that right now things feel like they will never change. I would just caution you to wait for a little while. You have just had a baby (8 weeks old, right?), and your hormones are all over the place. I have been in a position close to where you are, and I waited on making any major choices until my child was at least 6 months old. I knew before he was born (and I had another child who was 1 1/2 years at this time) that something was wrong in our relationship. I just couldn't figure out what it was. After our baby was born (approx. 6 weeks old), I found out what the problem was. I was devastated, hurt, felt so betrayed, lonely, and wondered who in the world this man was. He knew I was mad. He knew I didn't trust him. But he also knew that I wasn't going to make a quick decision while I was learning to adjust to our new life.
Now, that isn't saying that I dropped the whole problem because I sure didn't do that. We talked and talked about the issue. But I knew that I simply wasn't in the right frame of mind to make such a decision that would affect my family so drastically.
Please note that I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave him. I am just asking you to give your body time to get back to "normal." Right now you are going through major changes. You just had your second child. You have another young baby. And, yes, you are still very young. You are still growing up. And I didn't like to hear that when I was your age either. But it is the truth. Know that I also married my highschool sweetheart after 3 years of being together. We immediately had our first child when I was 19. Our second was born at almost 21. Then our third child was born at 23. I wasn't myself for years. But, things are now in a wonderful place. I am still married going on 12 years this year. My children are 11, almost 9, and 7. We have a wonderful life together. I can't imagine if I hadn't given myself that time way back then, and made a much different decision.
If you want to talk directly, please don't hesitate to send me a pm. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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M.S. answers from Atlanta on July 25, 2009
Read the book 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Here is a link to the book on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...
This is a short book and an easy read. Find out what your love language is so that you can communicate to him more specifically what you need. Find out what his love language is so you can start showing him love in a more specific way, even if you don't feel love for him now.
You did love him in the past and your children are two extremely compelling reasons to find that love for him again. If you reach out and try to discover and meet his needs first (even though he is not trying to meet yours), human nature is to respond back in kind. It may take some time. Don't expect overnight results.
I'm a stay at home mom and I understand your frustration completely. I too have been in a position where I wonder what happened to the "fun" person I once was. As hard as it is, the solution is to give first to your husband and then he will want to give to you. I have done this and I know it works. Please don't give up.
J.F. answers from Macon on July 25, 2009
I am a 69 year old grandmother. Married twice. 2 children by first husband, none by second. It doesn't get better - men are pigs. They get you and only care about their own needs. If you're married, have children, your fun is over. You work, at home, or office. Mom's forget to tell us this. My daughter is single mom trying to support her child. 12 yrs old, who does help. It's hard even at 10 and 12 to make living nowdays for children and most men don't support their children - they think it goes to the wife. Bull.
A.D. answers from Atlanta on July 28, 2009
I have been there and done that. I was a young married mother of 2 at 21 myself. Although I opted for divorce (which was and is still the best option for me due to legal issues that he had), you have to realize what a divorce will do to not only you, but your children. I don't recommend it. You also cannot let your children see you mope around and be sad. They'll grow up thinking that that's how a matrriage is supposed to be. That's how the Mommy is supposed to be. Even though I am in a caring relationship now, I still do things alone. You will find that while in the movie theatre, another person with your same interest in movies will make a comment that is exactly what you were thinking and a friendship can grow from there. Before you know it, you'll have a hubby, wonderful, happy children and friends to enjoy life with. Right now, you're looking for your man to save you. You need to save yourself first. He's only human and doesn't have an inkling of the compassion that only a mother can have. He may be the most considerate man you know but nothing compares to the heart of a Mommy, so don't expect too much from him.