My marriage is on the rocks. I really don't know what to do about it. My life and my marriage have surely taken a different path that I imgained. My husband is gambling. Does not see it as a problem, but I do. I know it not only an occasional thing. For my husband has become an addiction, at least this is my opinion. He does not want to stop, but exects me to bring all my money at home( we both work). We cannot afford a lot of things, we have not taken a vacation in 3 years. And it is not because our wages are small, this is what I hate...we could afford so many things if there wasn't the gambling.
Things have become really heated between my husband and me. Lately I have discovered he also has an account on a dating site. I don't know if he only chats, sends sms and e-mails or he is really meeting those women. Should I confront him? I am sure he will deny it. He is very distant, cold and moody around me. Nothing pleases him anymore. We still have an active sexual life so I don't understand what is he searching for on dating sites. What should I do? I have a feeling I am living someone else's life. I want the best for our son, I want, I need a father and a husband.
a gambling addiction is a killer. literally. my BIL committed suicide over it.
don't accept it.
and there is no reason in the world that i would tolerate my mate being on a dating site. there is no good reason for it. no excuse.
get thee to counseling.
khairete
S.
Your husband is an addict.
The behaviors you mentioned are typical symptoms of addiction.
Do not confront him.
Contact your health insurance and find a therapist who is licensed and certified in addictions. Addictions is a specialty (not basic family therapy).
Meet with the therapist on your own a few times to educate your self on gambling addiction and then make a plan with the therapist what to do.
In the mean time start your own account/ charge cards and start saving your own money. Secure your assets.
See if there is a GA ( Gamblers Anonymous) meeting near you and attend it. I would not mention it to him.
GA 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537).
Take care of yourself
Sounds like you are taking at least, second place in this marriage and quite probably less than that.
Counseling is in order. Marriage counseling if you can get him to go. Individual counseling for you if not. You need someone to give you sage advice and encourage you to think for yourself. He most likely needs an evaluation for depression.
Try this. If you had a daughter who had a husband that was gambling away family funds and visiting dating websites, what would your advise to her be? Love yourself that much too. I don't understand having an active sex life when he is visiting dating sites. You are putting yourself, your children's mother, at risk. Does he care? Obviously not. You should.
If you have communicated your feelings on these matters and nothing changes, I would be changing. My money would be in my own account.
Any important papers would be in my safe deposit box. My name would be off of any of his credit cards and I'd have one of my own. I'd start asking around for the names of good attorneys. Protecting yourself is protecting your children. Print out the account on the dating website and put it with the important papers. Take anything sentimental and leave it with a friend. He could start selling things to get money.
Good luck.
He needs help-and until he sees this, there's not much you can do. It's too bad that a woman cannot get a court order to implore an employer to have her husband's wages (or part of them) directly deposited into her account in order to pay bills and expenses for the family-you might be able to do this if you file for a legal separation-the judge may provide you with support for you and your child; while you remain in the home. Good luck-there is an addiction problem, here and I hope he seeks help.
Get a therapist who specializes in addiction. The therapist is not for him, it is for you.
Sounds like he's going through a tough time where he's not liking his life very much. Mid life crisis kind of thing that seems to happen at different times in everyone's life. So if you wonder if it's something you are or are not doing the answer is no it's all him.
At this point he's not willing to change anything because he's happy just the way things are going. He gambles when he wants, is on a dating website where he can pretend to be anyone he wants to be, plus he has a wife who is supporting the family and him. What's not to love about that?
The problem is that you aren't getting a partner who is loving working toward the same goals, or even addressing your concerns. You might want to suggest counseling and if he doesn't want to go then go by yourself. You'll be able to see exactly what you want in your life and be able to figure out the path you need to take to get there with or without your husband.
And most important if you aren't sure what he's doing then use protection during sex because you want to make sure you don't catch something that could change the course of your life and health.
The higher your income, the longer it will takes him to hit his bottom.
Can you secure his income via direct deposit into YOUR account?
Of course, that's just a band aid til you figure things out.
Go to GA.
And remember, as with ANY addict, if his lips are moving, he's lying. So keep that in mind, educate yourself, and be smart!
(Truthfully, the dating site might be of less concern to me than the gambling addiction. There might also be a connection.)
I would not confront about the dating site at this time.
I would initiate a finance meeting and budget review!
Divorce him. I don't think marriage counseling will work for him. And, stop having sex with him!! He is probably meeting these women from the dating site and having sex with them, too. Yuck!!! Look on the bright side - at least you have a good job, which is huge, so a divorce won't be so bad. Best wishes finding a fantastic second husband!
If you have not already make sure you separate all your money and don't give him access to any credit that has your name on it.
If he is unwilling to admit his addiction, for me I would have to leave.
Being on the dating site would be the deal breaker for me: I would immediately separate my money from his and make plans to move out or kick him out.
Sounds like it's time to get in to see a therapist. No one on this website can tell you for sure what are the exact causes of his behavior. But, what we can tell you is that if you don't get some help for yourself and for your marriage, you will continue to go down this path. The rest of the details will reveal themselves over some good counseling. Recommend it to your husband and make the appointment. If he doesn't go, you still should go.
One addiction can cover up or lead to another. I would say see a marriage counselor since it is clear he has an addictive personality. And most addicts will always say that they don't have a problem. It's call denial. Good luck.
I think you need to find professional help. My mother's exhusband was a gambler and he would excuse himself all the time. It was "just" a few dollars. "Just" a lottery ticket. Then he was messing around with the bills. He'd wait til they were going to shut off whatever and then swoop in to pay them, as another form of gambling. The dating sites thing was also something my mom's ex did, which I think was another gamble. Can he get away with it? Etc. It is not about you. It is about his high.
If I were you, and I know how hard this is, I would seek a lawyer and seperate bank accounts.
Sounds to me like it is time for protect mode to come into play. Protect your good financial name and your money. Separate your credit too. Make certain you have a separate account he doesn't have access too. He can't be trusted. This will be tricky but try to get access to as much of his paycheck as you can.
Definitely seek support and help.
Your son needs a healthy and whole father and the same goes for you for a husband.
Decide what you want and then be very wise about going after it. The sooner your husband hits rock bottom the better off you all will be. You may need to take your son and move out until the gambling stops. As for the dating sites, sounds like our relationship is unravelling. Don't let him take you down with him.
You state that he is "cold, distant, and moody". And then you go on to say the two of you still have an active sex life. Clearly there is a disconnect there.
If you plan to stay in this marriage you'll need to create clear boundaries. Start enforcing that all bills are paid. He's not allowed to touch your money. But if he chooses to gamble then he can only use whatever extra money HE has. But be careful. Gambling is such a slippery slope. He could get mixed up with loan sharks or gamble your retirement savings away.
All in all, he needs help.
And yes I would confront him about the dating sites. You need to know what you're dealing with. But again, do it carefully.
