T. asks from Frisco, TX on January 17, 2008
Ok, so I have the marriage blahs. I’ve been married for 7 ½ years and we have two kids. My husband is gone in the morning before I get up, I get the kids ready off to school and then I go to work. After work I make dinner, give baths, help with homework, read stories and tuck my kids in bed. Then I go to my room and read until I fall asleep. My husband picks the kids up from after-school care, eats dinner, cleans the kitchen, watches TV and drinks wine or beer, then plays on the computer. He comes to bed usually after I have fallen asleep. The weekends are much of the same with laundry, b-day parties, grocery shopping, and kids’ event thrown in.
I use to only think of the things I loved about my husband, now I just focus on those things that get under my skin. I’ve mentioned these things, he agrees, but never changes. He hates to talk about our marriage, feelings, etc.
My apathy for my marriage started about a year ago and I started to talk to him, but he never responds. Just nods his head, says he understands and that’s it.
Ok, so our marriage is not bad, just DULL. To the point I could care less if he comes home or goes and does something else in the evening. At least I could make the kids one dinner and then eat what I want or nothing. I just wouldn’t have to go through the usual routine and have him offer to clean up the table, which takes him two hours, which includes watching TV and drinking a bottle of wine. Ahhhh!!
Any ideas to fixing a marriage in a rut.
N.F. answers from Dallas on January 18, 2008
Go buy the book "5 languages of Love" - it's a great book and it sounds to me that you guys aren't speaking the same language... I know, I've been there...
B.S. answers from San Antonio on January 18, 2008
Can't believe no one has said this go on a Vacation just thetwo of ya'll. A one. two or week vacation just the two of you will work wonders. My dh and I try to take a vacation every other year and the year in between with the children.
You wrote this "To the point I could care less if he comes home or goes and does something else in the evening." What if it's woth another woman? You should just try to watch TV together, play a game, drink wine and sit outside looking at the stars and holding hands.... No I'm not a romantic at all really. I just love to do the simple things with my hubby.
I have more to say but my kiddos are going nuts,,,
N.H. answers from Dallas on January 18, 2008
I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband does what he can to help around the house then he "retreats" into his room where he is on the computer. What does your husband do on the computer? Is he playing games, maybe you could join him, don't laugh at me, but mine plays World of Warcraft and I have started playing as well after our daughter is in bed mostly just on the weekends, I don't play as much as he does but when I do, we are playing together. It gives us something to talk about other than work, kids and all the mundane things about everyday life. If you can't do that then be interested in his hobbies,(even if you really don't care if you show interest it will help.)
You said he drinks wine, maybe you can find out some interesting stuff about vintage wines and stage a wine tasting for yall one night.
Just food for thought.
S. answers from Houston on January 21, 2008
Hi there !
See if a friend or somebody can watch your children, get a night at a nice hotel & do some fun stuff ! get a hot tub in your room, spice it up that way ! go to dinner etc., possibly you need to change up the routine some ! do a surprise plan ! - guys like surprise's !
Also, I would keep an eye on that computer stuff, I had a friend who was in the same situation & her husband met some-one on the computer & was chatting quit often, then they were meeting etc., she had him followed, now they are divorced ! and she has 2 children. Always be one step ahead ! Good Luck ! ~
C.E. answers from New York on January 18, 2008
I feel for you, and at the same time in different ways understand how you feel very much.
As many of the moms here have said, we all go through some part of our marriage when we feel it's too much of a routine, and we get to the point were we just live and we forget to love the life we live.
We have to take responsibility for our happiness too, make sure we are happy, and the rest will come along. LEt your husband know that you all should try this, ask him what makes him happy, and let him know what makes you happy... it's better to talk about what makes you happy than what you all are doing wrong.
You waste time talking about what is wrong. Just do. I know this is hard because we always want explanations as to why, etc. It;s just the way we are, but in order to get the result we want, we should try this just once in our life without questions, just by saying what we wish, and letting them know they are loved. It will all fall into place somehow, try it.
The kids are happy seeing you both happy. Kids are happy going to the park once a week, and seeing parents enjoy that. Kids are happy seeing dad hug mom, and mom hug dad, and hearing them both tuck them into sleep. Kids are happy being reminded that they are loved once a day.
The woman is happy when she has time for herself once in a while, when husband comes to bed to cuddle, etc. while you are awake. Wife is happy when husband is involded as a family with wife and kids; playing with the kids, feeding the kids , and putting them to sleep.
Wife is happy when husband tells her she is loved, etc. Takes the time to hold her hand once in a while, etc.
Husband is happy when wifes is happy. Husband is happy when he gets to be a child once in a while, playing computer games, playstation, etc. It would make him happier if wife understood.
So, my point is, if you all say what makes you happy, without once saying what you don't want, I bet your conversation would end up in a change for the better.
Nothing is perfect, it takes work, and compromise. Together is the key.
It is definately worth it. Family is very important nowadays with so many things in the world, we should be more into our kids lives, etc, than ever.. As a family, husband and wife together, with much love, respect, and we should do anything we can to keep that peace in our family.
I wish you the best, and hope that you can turn this all around with love, undestanding, and compromise.
Best of wishes for your family's recovery into happiness.
C.K. answers from Dallas on January 24, 2008
Have I got the thing for you! Check out this website.
I used the "Light His Fire" audio cassettes several years ago before they came out with the videos. Dr. Ellen has some great ideas, advice and suggestions. She is also able to get you motivated to want to do some of the things she mentions. Best thing is she has a money-back guarantee. I don't think you'll be disappointed.
A.G. answers from Houston on January 19, 2008
we are kindred spirits you and I, it seems all i can focus on now is the negative, as you said. I think we both need to reconnect with our husbands. after all it takes two to make a marriage work, My husband and I have yet to let our girl spend a night anywhere but at home in the 5 years of her life. It seems our marriage has become only about her, which is all fine and dandy until she no longer needs us as much, then where will we be? We both need to seriously consider perhaps, "alone time" with our men.
L.M. answers from Dallas on January 19, 2008
How about a date night? Not just once, but a scheduled one for every week---whatever night works out best for you....you don't have to spend alot of money every time but it's important to just be together without the kids. Go eat dinner alone, go shopping together along, go see an adult (not kiddie) movie alone....before long, you'll start looking forward to these precious nights together. Find a babysitter that can do it weekly so it's all setup and you don't have to scramble every week to find someone reliable. don't fret, it's normal. I'm glad you're working through these feelings.
M.M. answers from Dallas on January 17, 2008
I would recommend checking out www.marriagetoday.org.
My husband and I have date night each week and it's awesome for us because our days are similar to yours...very long and busy. We don't always spend money, sometimes we just rent a movie and share popcorn on the couch. Just try to make time for each other. Good luck!
D.B. answers from El Paso on January 17, 2008
::hug:: Don't worry! It happens to the best of us. :-)
Why don't you change up your routine a little bit? One night, surprise him with a candlelight dinner and a babysitter, or a movie and some pizza! Send the kids to a family member's house on a Saturday during the day and stay home in bed together! Or take a weekend trip as a family; go to a museum or a zoo or an NBA game!
Give yourselves something new to discuss. At this point in your marriage, there's probably not much that you don't know about each other, so get going on conversation about what's to come!