Marriage - Reading,PA

I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he's an addict who can't take care of anyone else right now. He's completely focused on his addiction. It sounds like you're enabling his behavior at this time. Has he tried to get help? Does he want to quit? Or is he completely lost in the addiction?

Think of it like a bullseye. His addiction is in the center. He circles around the addiction and can't look anywhere else. You and your children circle around him. You can't fix him. He needs to get healthy. You and your children deserve that. Go to an Alanon meeting. You need to take care of yourself and only then can you really care for your children. You need to break away from the cycle.

If he's not willing to try and change, you need to decide how long you can continue this. It's affecting your health. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but your family is already broken. He is the only one who can fix that by making serious changes.

Good luck! You will get through this, but you will have to make some changes for yourself.

Sounds like it might be time for a separation. Those are not words I say to anyone lightly, but when a marriage is effecting your health to the point that you need to medicate yourself there is something clearly very wrong.

He needs a wake-up call, either he will here and work towards getting himself better or he won't. You need to be prepared for the fact that he may not, and from what it sounds like you already are capable of supporting yourself and the kids.

do you have family that could take you in?

Please, please find a local chapter of Nar-Anon. This is a group for the family members of people who are addicted to narcotics like prescription painkillers. There is probably a meeting somewhere near you and very likely meetings during the day when your kids are in school, so you do not have to rely on your husband to look after them while you go. He needs a 12-step program like Narcotics Anonymous and possibly he also needs medical intervention or even hospitalization to get him off the drugs, but meanwhile YOU must look after yourself, and you need to talk to other people whose spouses have been through this. www.nar-anon.org
Also you may need to find a counselor who can help you approach your husband about his addiction. If you can't afford counseling, seek out counselors with sliding scale fees or payment plans.

When you saw your own doctor the other day did you say WHY you are so anxious? Did you tell your doctor about the addiction? If not, please go back right away and ask your doctor for contacts and help to start getting your husband help with ending his addiction!

This is a sinking ship and if you aren't careful, you and the kids will go down as well. Have you discussed his addition? Had he acknowledged the addition and sought help?

He isn't healthy right now so attempting to fix the marriage would be useless.

Right now, you need to preserve your job. Have you discussed any of this with HR at your office? Most companies will have EAP (Employee Assistant Programs). They could help find a place for your husband to get the help he needs. In addition, you can get counseling for you and the kids. If you think they don't know what is going on, trust me they do.

You can't force him to get help, but you can help yourself and the kids. Any decisions he makes are on him not you. Its not YOUR job to fix HIM. Good luck!

You don't mention whether you love him and want to stay married to him. If he had a job and sought help for his additiction, would you want to stay? Irregardless of the kids? Is he a good guy who is depressed and addicted? Or is this crisis merely bringing out his true colors in your eyes?

Irregardless, I wouldn't allow an unreliable addict around my kids. He needs to stop using drugs, and show you more support. Your kids need to see you treated well and with respect. And they don't need a guy on drugs DRIVING them to school.

I would hope you have somewhere safe to go, and I would go. He needs to get back on his feet. You can help him, support him, love him... but he needs to prove it to you before you share a household.

I am sure the idea of seperating is scary and more stressful - but it sounds like your life would be no worse off without him weighing you down day to day. And it would probably be more peaceful.

Your marriage does not have to end, but you also don't need an additional child to care for. If you feel he is not going to make a better effort, then I wouldn't move with him. That might be the wakeup call he needs.

You sound like you are doing it all now anyway. Why not own it? You deserve some peace. And maybe it will be the kick in the behind he needs.

I think the bottom line is that you have to take care of you and your kids. The stress is getting to you, you are losing everything, and it's on you to make it better. If it were my, I would make it better for me and my kids and *if* he joined us later, it would be because he was sober and employed.

You need to pack the stuff up and then look for someplace for you and your kids to stay. Find housing that you can afford. Contact your local YWCA or women's support agency to get info on housing and such. Then move out with your kids and let him stay with his mom and dad. Do not let him return until AFTER he has received help. So far, there has been no major consequence for him, so there is no reason to change. Pain brings about change. He is feeling no pain. Instead you are left to suffer the brunt of that.

If you are going to have to do this all by yourself then only the people you can rely on, namely yourself, should be with you. You will feel better, your kids will be more stable, and it might help him make a change.

My husband was out of work for 5 months and I felt very let down by him during that time. We didn't lose our home or go late on any payments (thank God) on anything, but it was a huge stress. He did take care of the kids and did some things around the house. I was still almost ready to leave because the stress was too much.

My older sister was once addicted to pain killers and we didn't talk for over a year. I also know how hard this is.

How you are dealing with both problems in one person is amazing to me. I say run to counseling, and your husband needs to wake up. I can't believe he is more hooked to the high than his family. Honestly though, I say it's time to seperate. No way would I be able to let someone addicted to drugs be around my kids at all. Good luck mama.

If he has acknowledged the addiction, is he willing to go to AA? I feel sorry for you and the stress you must be under trying to hold things together. I hope the in-laws are able to be a support to you without enabling your husband. I would seek out counseling for yourself if nothing more. Suggest the same for hubby. I hope things get better.

My first thought is where are his parents in all of this? Meaning, if you move in with them, are they just going to enable him? If so, then I wouldn't move with him. I'd send him to his parents and I would take the kids and go my own way, if at all possible.

The first thing hubby has to do is get off his rump and look for a job. There is no way I would have put up with him sitting on his rump since January not even looking for work!

You need to sit down with your hubby and tell him he HAS TO stop with the pain meds and go to an NA meeting, get a sponsor and work the steps. He also MUST look for work and he must be able to tell you what he's done, who he sent his resume to, etc., just like you are the unemployment office. Anything less than these two things, you and the kids need to go.

He WILL NOT change anything unless you force him. I think he's scared (of not finding a new job; of being addicted to medication) to the point of being paralyzed. You have to shake him out of that. If telling him you're leaving won't shake him out of it, then you have to really do it!

Good luck to you and yours!