Marriage - Arp,TX

As an Army wife of 10 years, I can tell you some things I know:
Army Reserve is not full time Army unless he is in a job that gets called to active duty

He can choose a job in the military doing something not dangerous or to do something where he wouldn't get sent anywhere dangerous ie how many dental assistants or physical therapists do you think get sent to Afganistan? My husband goes over occasionally, but his job is such that he is never ALLOWED to be in a dangerous zone.
He can also choose a different branch of the military if he doesn't like the job choices the Army Reserve offers. Go join the Coast Guard or the Air Force Reserve.

We find the benefits greatly outweigh the risks . Free health care: had 2 babys and paid zip- no co pays or any thing. One child born at Bethesda Navel hospital ( where the President goes) and the other born at Johns Hopkins.
We get extra money every month JUST for housing.
If he gets sick, or can't work he doesn't get paid less, and doesn't get fired.
He gets paid to go to school- he just took an entire semester off of work to finish his 3 rd Associates degree, and his pay never changed.
Job security is great- he just has to maintain his fitness level, which is great in general, and do what he is told to do at work.

Maybe he sees this as a way to HELP your family. Mine does-
no job loss worries, no health care worries, at least reducing the common stresses for a marriage.
Don't knock the job until you do the research anyway. Choose together. Research the choices together.
http://www.goarmy.com/index.jsp#/?channel=careers%26marqu...

I can certainly understand your feelings regarding his decision; however, he could be telling you the truth. He "will" receive benefits and job skill training, and in joining the Army Reserves, he'll probably be away for awhile for boot camp, but will then just be gone a day or two on weekends, and most probably not every weekend. You mention you and your husband have been struggling in your marriage. I'm certain there are additional issues, as having raised a daughter and a son with my husband, I'm certain your 2 children add to your struggles (even though they are true blessings). Due to the struggles in the marriage, perhaps he feels his decision will make him a better man, husband, father, and provider. And what if, in the back of his mind, he is thinking he would be getting a bit of a break from being away a bit? He's human, and he's a man. I doubt he's abandoning you. I could think of much better ways than this if that were his main goal. My advice is to stand behind your man 110%. I'd tell him how proud I was of him 10 times a day, because believe me, what he's undertaking is no easy endeavor. Support him every step of the way, and never stop telling him how proud you are of him, and say it to him even more when the kids are around. Not another negative word, just love and support. Men hold so much inside. He's probably terrified, but holding it inside. He needs you desparately right now whether he shows it or not. So make him feel like the man he is, and more. I have a feeling God had a hand in him making this decision, and I'd wager to say that if you support your man with everthing you've got, and he goes off feeling on top of the world because of it, your marriage struggles will dwindle, and you will both be happier in your marriage than you ever dreamed possible, and so will your children. What have you got to lose by showering him with love and support? Nothing! I am a Christian woman, and I will be praying for you. And don't forget, while he's away, God will still be there with you. In His Love, S. W. (Tico&Taco)

I highly reccomend that you check out my church's website. We've been doing a marriage series called, "Once Upon a Marriage". You can download the services and watch them. It's been a great run! www.lifechurch.tv

Most big decision are made considering all aspects of life. This doesn't mean that you have lost him though. It may even be a blessing in disguise. In combination with other positive efforts, you may be able to build your marriage to one that has fewer struggles. This could be an opportuntity for change for the better, as a family. I think you should encourage him in this, and use the 'benefits' he'll be recieving by initiating some counseling as an individual...and as a couple, if you both are willing. Maybe you are having feelings of loss? This would be a healthy 'sad' feeling to have in a situation like this. I will pray for you.

I would probably feel just like you do. I think you have gotten some great advice here though. I would definitely look into the job, have HIM teach you and help youunderstand HIS personal reasons as well and why he wants to do this. Sit down with him and JUST LISTEN. Do NOT talk or tell "your side" - save that for another time. Let him do all the talking and answer any questions you have about the actual army and joining "what would you do? how long is boot camp? what does xyz entail? how often would you be away from the family?" etc. I also HIGHLY recommend Dr. (Valette) Hendrickson in Hurst if you feel you need counseling. She's awesome and really helpful - not the "how does that make you feel?" type at all! Good luck and you can work through this and anything else, it just takes work.

Dear U. P,

I am not married but will be doing so this June. If it were my man, I would tell him how this decision is making you feel and what kind of an impact it may be causing you and the kids and see what he says. I will surely pray for you and hopefully you can get the answers you seek. Everything will be ok, just remember that God never made a mountain that we couldn't climb. I have always lived by that motto and it seems to keep my spirits up when things are down and I think there is no hope.
Take care of yourself and Hang in there friend!

ChelsyP

I can understand that you are hurt thinking that your husband is joining the reserves to escape you. Do you really think that is the reason though? I do not know what his area of expertise is so I will not tell you he won't be deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan. The truth is it may be a possibility.

Have you considered that he may have actually felt a calling? We all feel patriotism differently as well as personal responsibility. When I heard about the plight of the Katrina victims I personally felt the call. It was not a decision I made to help. It was a call. I needed to do something.

He may feel a calling that this is something he needs to pursue. It may be partially motivated by finances, it may be partially motivated by wanting to be a provider, it may be partially motivated by boyhood dreams, it may be partially motivated by wanting to be a better man. You cannot assume he is doing it to get away from you. If that was his motivation then he could just leave.

Choosing to join our military- to defend our country is a noble decision.

I went through this. I have a good paying job and one day I told him I would like to teach in my next career. So this got him thinking how would we take care of our financial needs if my salary got cut in half. He discussed other careers he could pursue but none offered the high pay he was seeking. Then my sister told him why didn't he consider being a physician's asst. This was high pay with only A. additional 2 years of training. Well he decided this was his answer. Let me tell it costs alot for those 2 years and I told him financially we couldn't afford to lose his day job so we need to think of other options. One day he comes home from work with paperwork from the Army National Guard and tells me he has to give a definite answer in 2 months. Was I shocked. YES!! Was I upset? ABSOLUTELY!? My husband was willing to join the army and leave us behind... leave me to take care of the kids and all the family responsibilities alone. The kids would grow up without a father?! He could be shipped off anywhere, I was thinking. Bottom line he was breaking up our famliy. You are not wrong about your feelings. You have every right to feel like he's abandoning you.

We'd talk about it, I'd cry, we dropped the the subject only to have him bring it up a couple of days later. This went on for over a month. Here's his side of it. The Army National Guard offered him a way to get the education he wanted without putting us in a financial bind. He gets 1/2 his bonus when he signs on, the other half after completion of the contract, and a still receive a paycheck. Also he wanted to be a better man for his family, esp the kids. This was the only way he figured he could do that. The military would let him be the strong provider with a secure and respected job after he was through; something we could be proud of. It provided living and healthcare expense if necessary. I asked him was this something he was going to change his mind about because he been known to do things half-assed. He said "No. This is something I have to do for us. Shortterm pain for longterm gain. It would be hard but worth it in the long run." My final say to him was "I love you and we will support you if this is something you are absolutely sure you have to do. When you sign those papers there is no backing out. You are not only gambling with your life but you are betting all our lives and our livelihood too. You must complete what you start. If you get moved or stationed somewhere else then me and the kids will pack up and follow if they allow us because we are a family." It's been close to 2 years now that he has joined the guard and he is still trying to get into the medical school. But he has been persistant and keeps doing what his superiors tell him he needs to do to get in. His unit has been sent to Iraq but he is still here with me because he is undeployable as long as he is going to school here. My advice is to you talk to your husband. He may be doing this for the same reasons. Maybe not but get to the bottom of it. No one joins the military for no reason. There are definitely roles he can take to stay safe like working in the finance division or medical branch. I pray that whatever you decide that both of you come to A. understanding and do it together.

If he is making a decision because he is looking for a escape from the family and/or making the decision without your input, I think that is wrong and you should share your feelings with him in an honest and loving way (honest and loving is the only way he will hear you).

All that said, the Army is not the end of the world. My husband just got out of the Army National Guard after 15 years of service. I am glad that the burden the Army places on a family is gone (always concerned about deployments, weekends away from home, etc) but I am very proud of my husband and myself. We (and notice how I say we) servered our country. We accepted the obligation to protect and serve our fellow citizens even if they do not always appreciate or even understand our contribution to their every day lives. If he is not joining the Army out of spite for you then I think you should be proud that he is looking for a way to support your family and contribute to his country.

Benefits and job skills are real and helpful reasons to join the Army Reserve. If you're like me you know very little or nothing about the Army Reserve. I recommend that you find out more and in the meantime let your husband know that you feel that he's abandoning you and the two of you work on that issue. I highly recommend that you get into marriage counseling. Whether or not he joins the Army Reserve you have this and other issues to resolve.

Perhaps you'll learn enough in just a few sessions with a counselor to make a positive difference in your relationship. And perhaps when you're able to be open and interested about him joining you'll discover it's a good thing for him to go or he'll decide that it isn't.

All important decisions, such as this, need to be carried out only after careful intellectual consideration. Emotions can be a clue but no decision should be made based on emotions alone and it sounds like you not wanting him to go is based on how you feel. Find out more.