Marraige and Starting a Family.

I dont think there is a good definite answer to this question.
Some people get married and things REALLY do change between them, and there's a serious adjustment period.
Other people get married and it's just like it was before, while they were together, and there is very little adjustment other than changing the names and combining the car insurance.
Somehow, psychologically it tends to affect relationships more often than not. Money issues arise where they didn't before. People have a conception of what "married people" do versus non married. Sometimes those ideas are not always accurate, and sometimes the people involved just don't fit into the mold.
If there are a lot of assumptions between the two of you then there will probably be a lot of adjustment time. If you're both very open (and honest on top of that) then you wont have too much adjustment.
I say wing it and see how it is. If you have a lot of adjustment then you'll want to wait atleast until you resolve the adjustments... it could be more than the two years. If you guys are doing great and feel secure then go for it sooner (if that's what you want!).
I have to say that my husband and I fit into the category of very little adjustment, we were very blessed!!! I really think you play the lottery when you find someone because you really really don't know what you're getting until a few years into the relationship post marriage. Some people lie to themselves so well that they don't even know that they're not what they think they are.
Even though we had very little adjustment, having a baby was a serious adjustment to go through for us because we had a difficult baby. I think if we'd had an "easy" baby (no baby is really easy I don't think, you just get some that eat less and sleep more than others, and if they don't have allergies it helps!) then the adjustment would have put very little strain on us, but there were times I thought to myself WOW! This is the person I'm married to... I didn't know. But that was because of the strain put on both of us, we were not at our best and I'm sure he may have felt the same way at times.
But who knows! Your birth control could fail and you're pregnant already! Or, you may not get pregnant for years after you decide you want to. These things are mostly out of your hands, all you can do is try to do things the way you think you want to :). Good luck!

All depends on what your comfortable with and your ages and how many kids you want and how far apart you want them to be. Me and my hubby met July 03 and moved in together Nov 03 we got married Sept 04 and our son was born Jan 06. We were late 30's when our son was born, I will be 41 next month and hubby will be 43 in Oct.

J. -

We sound like we have similar lives. My husband and I actually got married right after I graduated undergrad and he still had a semester left. We waited 2 1/2 years before we decided to start our family. That gave us plenty of time to really get to know each other and get through those first few years of marriage. I know everyone says that the first year is the toughest, but personally I think the second is. Our first was great! Our second was when we finally started realizing our differences and began to learn how to communicate properly. Our marriage is FANTASTIC, but I think if we had added a child during that second year, it would have hindered us.

After Phillip graduated undergrad we moved cross country so he could start grad school at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Gabe (our son) came along during the second half of his second year. He's now graduated and Gabe is 19 months old. Yes, it was tough...especially b/c we were in hospitals and drs with Gabe, but Phillip still came through with a great GPA and is now working full time. God will help you through ANYTHING if you are living according to His will. The best advice I could give you is to wait to start your family until you and your husband are "settled" in you marriage and PRAY PRAY PRAY for God's timing. I will tell you...HIS TIMING IS PERFECT.

Hope that helps,
K.

well, i have done the school/child thing and it sucked so bad. carson was 2 and would run to the door crying "mama, mama!" everytime a car door slammed and then dissolve into tears if it wasn't me. i was in school 5 days/week and worked 5 days/week and they weren't the same days, so i was lucky to see him at all at least 3 days a week. now i have two kids and am getting ready to back to grad school (god and loans willing) but this time it's online so i can stay home with them and still work full time. we'll see how it goes. my advice to you is to take as much time for yourselves as a couple as you can....you gain fulfillment with kids but you sacrifice a lot, too. enjoy the together and getting to know you time, finish school, build up your finances. you will know when you are ready. good luck!

Hi J.,
I think it's different for everyone. However, my personal opinion is to wait to have kids until you finish school. I found out I was pregnant right as I gradutated college and the timing was perfect. Knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I would have been able to stay in school and have a newborn to take care of. Lots of things can happen during the process of having a child that could keep you from being able to go to school and finishing school is going to be your best bet to be able to financially support your child/family in the long run. Do whatever it takes to make sure you complete your degree. Good luck!

I didn't have kids until I finished grad school. I got pregnant about 7 months after we got married - but I don't know what conclusion you can draw from that. I can only advise you to take one step at a time: You want to get married first, then do that. Then - if you feel you are ready for it - stop birth control but don't expect to get pregnant right away. They have to fit into YOUR life, then the rest doesn't matter. The kids don't care how long you've been married or whether you are in school or working. To them it is only important that you like each other and have the same idea about bringing them up.

Wow! Lots of responses! Obviously it will just be something you two have to decide, but it's always interesting to get other people's input. I think it depends on how long you have been together and how old you are. I say that because the older you are when you get married, sometimes the more independent you are. I was 30 and my husband was 32 when we got married. We had lived on our own for a long time and to be honest, when we got married I wondered if we should have an annulment. It was soooo hard living together! If we could have been married and lived next door to each other it would have been perfect! :) However, we had known each other for eleven years, so once we got used to living together - at about the 6 month mark - things were fine. And since we had known each other for so long, and we were older, and my family history was such that conception may not have been very easy (it took my parents 7 years to have me), we decided to start trying to get pregnant when we had been married for a year and a half. Then of course we got pregnant right away! I would have preferred to just be married for 4 or 5 years and then start a family. But of course we're thrilled to have our precious daughter and can't wait to have another. Pray about it, talk to your fiance about it and just know that God has a plan. Good luck!

You won't know what will happen when you have a baby, it's hard to plan. We got pregnant unexpectedly and I was surprised by intense physical need to be with my baby. I don't think I could have gone to work or school. We had a baby just before my husband started law school and it was hard, even with me staying at home. Much smaller budget (as I was planning on working and finishing my degree during this time), and a much different lifestyle. It would have been nice to have some couple time before having a little one (I had her 10 months after getting married), but I love it how it is. My mom always says you won't regret inviting a baby into your family, but it does complicate things, and you might be surprised at some of your feelings! Only you know what is right and whatever happens will work out. You seem very sure of what you want, but things may change. I have changed since having kids, and I feel like I understand more deeply who I am and why those were the things I wanted and how they fit into my life now.

K.

We waited 5 years, but not on pupose. One thing to think about is that we don't always get to choose. We decided to start trying after 1 year and I had a lot of problems getting pregnant. I had endometriosis and a lot of cysts. So I had to surgerys to fix that and then did artificial 6 times and invitro once. I think its better to start early in case you have trouble getting pregnant, i loved those years with just me and my husband, but a lot were spent very sad that we couln't get pregnant. Only after we started looking into adoption, did God finally answer our prayers. Of course now he has answered them 3 times and we have a boy and two girls. Hope my advice helps- J.

First of all, congratulations and good luck to you and your fiance'. It sounds like you are a very 'planned/organized' person but sometimes plans don't always go as you like -- you need to take life as it is handed to you. I had my plans in place (or so I thought) also when I was married the first time (young 20's) and was planning on starting a family after 5 years (giving ourselves time to get on our feet a little). Well.....that didn't work and when we split (at about 5 1/2 years) I thought I might have been pregnant --- thank goodness I wasn't!

Anyway.....I ended up getting married a few years later and had planned to start a family right away....it took 6 years of going through shots, pills, surgeries (all that fun stuff (NOT!!))...before our boy was born (by this time I'm 36).....2 years and 3 weeks later we had a beautiful little girl.

Our plans don't always go the way we want them to....just try your best and do what you feel is right. God will watch out for you and help you along the path. Just take it one step/one day at a time.

I also want to commend you on being a Girl Scout Leader. I just resigned after doing 2 years of Brownies --- my son's sports activities and my daughter's extra activities with sports and school was getting to be too much and I felt I couldn't give the girls as much time as I felt they should have -- they would be Juniors this next year and I just needed to step back. (I am the 'transporter' of the kids) I honor those moms that can fit everything into their schedule. I'm still busy with my community as well as my husband......as adults, we need our time too!

Don't get me wrong --- I love my husband and kids...it's entirely a personal choice when to start a family. I'm sure with both of you going to graduate school that it will be hard enough...it takes both of you to raise a child and marriage is something to work at also.

Good luck to you!

Hi J., I don't know how old you are, but you seem to be a very sweet and young lady. I read what other moms said to you, and I totally agree with Lea. She told you pretty good things H., and very interesting things to think of.
I found the love of my life in my late 30's, My husband and I are the same age, and we had our first baby at 37 (now 8 years old). Our second little one is 2 years and half. We never thought about having babies early or later in life, we just kept going and, the first one was born 2 years after we got married. I think is very good to wait some time, BUT not too much. That time is necessary for the adjustments, even when you think you know someone,you don't, so you need that time to familiarize and get to know each other, see how you both react at difficult times and how you enjoy beautiful things, get to know your differences, virtues, weaknesses, and strengths. It is not always possible to wait enough to see all this, it would take a long time, but at least you'll have a chance to know better how your marriage is doing. Children make a great impact in a couple life and many things change. Having the babies later, you 'll have more time to enjoy the passion and the enchantment at the beginning of your marriage. Marriage has different stages and phases along the way and with real love and respect every phase and stage is beautiful but not always easy.
I am actually very happy with my two little boys and my big boy..and this stage. J., do not worry too much, you seems versatile and active, with kids is not easy to do that but not impossible.
Alejandra

i agree with the other posters, you sound like such a sweet girl. you didn't say how old you are, but my first instinct is - there's no hurry! i told myself i wanted to start having kids by thirty. you have lots of years left to be a mom, why not slow down and enjoy being a new wife and student for now? i also truly think that "older" (like late twenties and beyond) mothers are more settled, more patient, and yes, a little more worldly-wise, and more ready to be parents. enjoy your youth! it will pass more quickly than you can imagine. just my two cents - everyone is different and if you're ready in a year or two, you are. that's just all there is to it. follow your heart, and you'll be fine.

Only you two can decide what's right for your relationship. I understand asking around, but ultimately, you will have to decide based on what your goals in life are as a couple.

My husband and I waited 8 years before having a child (we have been together 13 years) and I wouldn't change it for anything. We had plenty of time to travel, grow together, learn from and with each other, and got to enjoy life without the responsibility of taking care of a child. Now that we have a 2-month old, I realize how cherished those times truly were... especially since we won't have them for a long time :)

Once you get pregnant, you'll hear, "Having a baby changes everything" so many times you'll be sick... but it's true. Your body, hormones, outlook on life, priorities, etc. - it all changes - and on top of it all, you'll have a brand new baby that will be a lot of work! The stronger 'couple' bond you have with your spouse, these changes can happen more smoothly so neither of you feel like you're missing something out of life because you had a child.

In a nutshell - I would wait until you have at least two years of marriage under your belt, then let nature take its course. You never know when you start trying for a baby when it actually happens, so putting the timeframe pressure on you both might make making-a-baby stressful and not fun.

At the same time, it's you and your husband's decision, so go with your gut and have fun.

J

Jennnifer, I don't know if this will answer your question or not, but this is something that you will need to decide on your own. I can only share my experience with you.

My first child, I had after being in college 2 1/2 years. I return back to school to get my bachelors when he was about 15 months old. I was a single mother and continued to get graduate hours to add to my certification. I did this until my child was about 8 years old. I was a single mother. I got married, had twins, and then divorced. I went back to school to earn my masters when the twins were 2 and my son was 17, and I was a single, working (full time) mother, once again. I am currently thinking of going back to school to get get my doctorants degree (or I just might settle for another certification).

I said all this to say, you really need to think about what it is that you want and how you want to do it. It was hard both times being a single mother and going to school, but I had to do what I needed to do.

Just from my own personal experiences, don't try to over plan your life. If you think that life will be great because you have it all planned out, the next thing you know, life throws you a curve ball. Conceiving a baby is not always easy. You may decide to start trying after a year or two, but not end up pregnant for many years after. And what about miscarriage? Almost every woman I know has had at least one. Leave room for error in your "plan". You have to leave it up to God. He might think that you need triplets in a year. You never know. Also, I have had children while going to school. It is taxing. My son was 8 weeks when I went back to college. Had it been my first baby, there would have been no way. Baby's require so much attention and the sleep deprivation! It is doable, but literally there were nights that I did not sleep and still had to go to class. Pray about it. You'll get the answers you need. Good luck and congratulations on a wonderful journey! One thing to remember, when you are old and gray, you will never regret the children that you have, however, you may regret the children you didn't have. Children are a blessing.

Hi J.! Sounds like you are quite a bit younger than me, but I will tell you about our family. My husband and I are both college graduates. We met and married a bit later in life than most of our friends. He was 34 and I 28 when we started dating. We married about 2 years later. My husband is in the Army, so we moved from NC to CA. Even before we were married, we knew we wanted children. Since I was 30 and we knew we wanted at least 2 children, we knew time wasn't exactly on our side. We were both pretty settled having completed college and had a good start on our careers. We were married in Aug. 2004 and decided in Jan. 2005 that we were ready to begin trying for our family. We waited to try to be "successful" after a couple of months as I had been on oral contraceptives. Sure enough, we became pregnant in March 2005 and our beautiful daughter, Grace was born in Dec. 2005. We became pregnant again in June 2007, and were blessed with the arrival of our son, Jack in March 2008. Sometimes even now, it is a bit overwhelming having 2 small children, especially being on the move so much. But, just when things seemed impossible, God led our family through!! I definitely wouldn't have changed the way our family came to be. Although, my husband and I were older than most of our friends when we became parents, I think the time was right for us. Neither of us feel we were ready to be parents in our 20s. I know some people are and that is great, we just weren't. Not sure if this is my age talking or not, but I don't think I would have been able to focus on school/work and be the parent I wanted to be. Again, I know it works for some, just not for us. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom; and I use full-time in the most sincerest sense; it really is a full-time job!! Fortunately, for your babies-to-be, it sounds like you are giving careful thought and consideration about timing and making sure they are happy, healthy and well taken care of. Also keep this in mind, I had a very romantic vision of babies and parenthood. I am a "planner". However, you will find that babies sometimes have their own thought about the way things should be, that aren't necessarily the way we imagined. Take all that in stride, don't take things too seriously. I feel like I didn't enjoy my daughter as a newborn as much as I could, because I wanted everything to be perfect!! I was much more relaxed when my son came along. You will be a good parent. The things that work for you and your baby may be different from what worked for someone else, and that's OK!! Also keep in mind that happy parents make happy babies!! Best wishes to you!!

I married my husband 5 1/2 years ago. I have two beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for the world. That said, if I could keep the kids I have now but have them later in my marriage I would have. We were married about 2 years when my daughter was born. We were both finished with our undergrad degrees but had desires to go for the masters. We got married, then, about a year later bought our house. As soon as we had those extra bedrooms we started trying for those babies. We were very fast and got our daughter sooner than we had actually planned. I tried to go get my masters, but had to stop. It was tooooo much for me. I had a needy infant and I worked full time. My husband got a job that required a ton of travel and so I couldn't be in class at night either. We hadn't anticipated the travel job, but we couldn't turn it down either. then, 20 months after the first baby, we had our son. So, now we both have credits towards our masters, but no degrees and we have two beautiful babies. things are tight for us now. when we first got married, we travelled, shopped, and played and still managed to save money each month. we do not do any of those things and we pull from that savings regularly b/c kids are expensive even if you don't spoil them like most of the kids that we know. so, if I were to do it again and could still get my children, I would get married and wait to finish my masters degree. then, start my family. that way i could enjoy my time iwth my husband and set myself up on a better salary before bringing my children into the mix. that said, i married at 23 not 32. if i had been older, waiting would not have been a very advantageous option for me. just remember to enjoy every phase of your life and to enjoy your time with your new husband before you muddy things up too bad. before i got married, my mom told me some very good advice. she said, "Most fights in a marriage are caused by two things: money and children." I have found this to be true and my husband and I have very few fights. Good luck and congratulations! Remember to enjoy being single too before you get married! Have a blast at your showers, shopping for dresses and all the crazy planning that you will never do again! Have a BLAST with each phase of your life! They are all wonderful!

I read a few of the responses and I agree with the ones I read - You can't go by what others have done and if at all possible, wait. I know that sounds like an oximoron, but here's my deal. I didn't make the choices to allow myself to wait before school, I want to lean towards waiting until you're finished with school. Being a lot younger, I graduated high school 5 mos pregnant with my daughter (now 6, almost 7). I then graduated college 5 mos pregnant with my son! Having a baby and going to school is doable, but by no means easy. There are a lot of things that no one can tell you about pregnancy. Your body is your own and reacts to pregnancy in it's own way. I had all day sickness with my pregnancies, but it was temporary. Also, my experience was that it was a lot harder for me to process information. A lot of times I would just take down the information in class and hope I could look it up later.
All that being said, I am a very strong woman and I feel that after going through college with one child and now having two and having just bought my first home, I feel like I can do anything.
You sound like you have your plan set, but just realize there will be many things to come that you hadn't thought of or didn't know was "part of the deal". Just give it up to God. If you want to start trying and it doesn't happen right away, it's not the right time. God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but you have to be willing to accept help when it's offered too!
Good Luck and God Bless

J., I agree with most people. Wait! Children are amazing, but once there here, they require more attention than you could ever imagine and they are here forever. Enjoy being married, travel, finish school, and then start a family. My husband and I were married 4 years and both finished our Master's Degrees before we started our family. My husband just started on Master's #2 and we have two little ones now. It's MUCH harder. Our second child was born with heart problems that have truly put us to the test. If our marriage wasn't so strong, I'm not sure how we would get through it all. Wait--finish what you started--you'll be glad you did!

I can't speak to going to grad school and having a baby...so I would take this with grain of salt....but to me it's a conundrum. on the one hand I seriously suggest you get pregnant no later than late 20s as the longer you wait the more you can increase risk and the chance of birth defects/miscarriage. also twins typically born for later age woman.

on the other hand. oh my it's so exhausting to be working and with a newborn. seriously exhausting, and we bottle fed both because we adopted both kids and I just was not able to do what would have taken to breastfeed adopted newborn. had to work too much before.

so it's not a solid answer but something to consider in the overall decision.

also make sure your husband is willing to be actively involved although NOTHING is for sure til you see him as a dad with children, unfortunately. I heard horror stories from moms in this ERA whose husbands REALLY do come home from work grab a drink and start TO WATCH TV. ack!

Dear J.,
Here I am another had a baby later in life mom saying "yes" I agree with the other post. You are young, you have school and a finace to deal with now and that is what you need to enjoy. It is great to have "plans", but remember who really is "in control"---God--and I know I can say this by your info. Every body's life-style is different. Some parents that had their children young are glad that they "grew" with their children.
I on the other hand am thankful God gave me a child in my 30's because I am much more mature, patient, and settled than I was in my 20's. In my 20's myself, school and my career was more important to me than a family. Now I could never ever live without my son, and as far as my career-- I am retired out-side of the home and work full-time as a "MOM". Take life as God would want you to have it "Be anxious for nothing, but through prayer give all over to me." Enjoy School, enjoy your fiance--soon-to-be-husband, and let life unfold as it will.
In Prayer, M. N.

My husband and I were married at 18, but we waited 8 years to have children. I am now 30, with two wonderful girls Audrey is 4 and Evelyn is 2 1/2. I am going to school full-time to be a nurse. I would reccomend to wait as long as you can before having kids. I really wanted to have time to enjoy being a wife before I was a mom too. Kids change relationships a lot. It is hard to remember that you are a wife when you have little ones pulling at you all day long.

Being married is difficult enough to get used to - you should wait as long as possible to have kids. It's a good thing my husband and I waited to have kids or we'd be divorced now! We actually waited 8 years after marrying (12 after getting together) before having our first - that was overdoing it a little but still it was good for us. Good luck!

There is nothing wrong with waiting to start your family. I would advise you to wait to have your children until you done with school. If you have a really bad pregnancy, and you never know, you'll miss a lot of school and may not finish the semester and then have to take it all over. To me it is a waste of money. And if you have any kind of assistance, you could lose that if you flunk out or have to quit. Waiting is better. I commend you on wanting to adopt, have your own first and save your money for your adoption. But wait for the children, get to know your husband for a few years then start your family. And wait until you are done with school. Much easier. Good luck and God Bless.

I agree with most on here - wait a little longer if you can. I would suggest to definitely wait to get pregnant until you are out of Grad school. It is soooo tiring when you are pregnant - you feel like you are going to fall asleep ALL THE TIME!! I would hate to try to stay awake during those oh so exciting grad classes while also having the hormonal sleepiness of pregnancy.

Further, I know that you may be strapped for cash at this point, but try to travel at least a little bit with your fiance/hubby. Having a vacation one on one with your husband is a wonderful bonding experience. I would head to the beach, personally, but if that sounds too extravagant for you...what about volunteering with Habitat for Humanity down in Mexico or Belize? Or, if you do plan to adopt in the future, get your passport and go visit a country which you might be interested in adopting a child from in the future?

Good luck!

I waited five years. Taking care of child is hard core. I would wait until after you graduate. Have fun with your husband. The kids can wait. Just my two cents.

Hey J., it really doesn't matter what other's have done, just live your life the way you think will be best for your family. You'll drive yourself crazy wandering what other's have done, just do what you think is best!

You have lots of good advice. I myself got married and conceived in my first month of law school. My only addition to al you have been told is that grad school and kids is doable but hard (My husband and I also have a 4.5 yr old (born right before undergrad) along with the newborn. I am about to start my second year. We will see how it goes with an infant, but being pregnant in law school was hard and did affect my grades (unexpected complications with this second pregnancy). If we had not wanted our kids to be a little close together, I would have waited. And, with kids and grad school, expect to not have time for ANY hobbies. I have time for school, kids, and chores, and a little tiny bit with my husband after the kids go to bed. IF i don't have work to do. I love to read and play games, I have maybe an hour a week for that (naptime on weekends, lol). I love it, but you need to think about whether that is right for you.

Sorry this is jumpy, feeding the baby while i attempt to type.

Don't kid yourself!!! A child is a HUGE life changer. All those extracurricular activites? Get ready to cut back. You can do those things when your child is older (pre-school age) but those first few years you will find you have very little time.

I would encourage you to wait till you have finished grad school. Kids and Grad School are both very demanding things. Juggling them both can be done, but you might be more satisfied if you devoted yourself to one at a time.

PLus, don't forget to spend time being a couple BEFORE you have kids. You have to build your relationship to the point where it will withstand having kids. SLeeplessness and having to depend more heavily on your partner to get simple household chores done and having less time for "relations" puts stress on your marriage. If you have spent time growing stronger before you have kids, then you stand a better chance of becoming a great parenting team.

Don't be in a rush to have kids. Enjoy each other's company for a few years. Even if you are living together now, you will still find there are rough edges to be worn off. It can take 3-5 years for a marriage to really get comfortable. Good luck!

There is no perfect time. But I would advise you to do all the things you want to do because a baby takess a lot of responsibility and time. So finish school, enjoy your husband as much as you can, travel, write those books, but it will feel right and you will know. Don't rush into having kids. I'm not sure how young you are, but you have time to start that family. Once the babies start coming, a lot of times, your priorities change, or at least they should change, and those children come first. So love each other, do those things that you want to do and get them out of the way, then you can start a family when you have more time to dedicate to them.

Hi J.,

My husband and I were married 7 years before we started having children. He is a surgeon and was in residency when we got married. Because he spent so much time at the hospital, we felt it would be best for him to finish residency first. His fear was that if we had kids during his training, the babies would not recognize him. (Even though I was dying to have kids.) I have to say, though, that was the best decision we ever made. By the time he was finished and working, we had a very nice house, our cars were paid for, and I could stay home with the children. If we had our kids while he was in training, we would have still been in a rental, I would have to work fulltime as a registered nurse, and my children would have had to go to daycare. I would wait until you were finished with graduate school. It is very stressful, and children will certainly add to that stress. Give you and hubby a chance to enjoy each other alone because once you have kids, that alone time is gone. Take this opportunity to save money, get used to each other living together, and finish school. Unless you are an older student (meaning 40+), you don't have to worry about the "biological clock." I was 32 when I had my first one and 23 months later, I had my second (and last) one. Good luck to you and congrats on your upcoming marriage! God bless!

J.

Beware-- life is what happens when you make other plans. My husband and I married with the intent of paying off some student loans and getting through ABD status on our graduate degrees before we started a family (three, four years). Despite birth control, three months after our wedding we found ourselves pregnant. My husband has a dead-boring desk job, student loan payments are taking away from the time we wanted to spend with our son, and it has been four years and I am still not ABD (close, but not quite). We have a beautiful, sparkling four year old who we love amazingly, but I just wanted to let you know not to make plans too far in advance. *laugh* Graduate school is HARD with a baby, too, and gets harder the older they get and the more they want to play. I just want to recommend ducks in a row before committing to anything else-- it's h*** o* a marriage otherwise.

This really has to be your decision, and your future husband's. I didn't reutrn to school until all my children were up in age, and my health failed me and I had to quit, so I can't help you there. I did pull my children out of school the next year and taught them myself, learning so much in the process!
When my husband and I met, I was separated with 1 child of 2 and pregnant with another. We married after the baby was born. He raised them as his own and we had 3 more.
Life is full no matter what you will decide to do. Working (as a professor) and having growing children is not going to be easy. Going to school now with a demanding baby, is going to be hectic. But it's doable. It's what YOU can handle. If father helps with the baby, it's great. I have a sister who had 6 children in 8 years all without help from her husband (other than getting them started)! I don't know how she did it.
I have a loving and very helpful (2nd) husband. Even though I didn't work outside the home, I still needed the help...especially when I started a day care and had six 2-year-olds plus some school-aged kids AND my own! Now we are raising 2 granddaughters. My life has revolved around children, and I don't regret it at all.
My advice is, do what the 2 of you feel best. Pray about it, and get further guidance from the Father who knows you best. He won't let you down!
Jan in MO

Don't listen to what anyone else tells, including family members. You do what is best for you and that may change as your life changes. When we first got married, we planned on waiting about a year to start trying to have children. After a couple of months, we both agreed that we were not supposed to wait. We didn't end up having our first until we had been married for almost 3 years but that is not the point. We also planned on waiting 2-3 years between kids. By the end of the year we will have had 3 kids in 3 1/2 years. So the moral is that even though it is good to try to plan these things out, it just doesn't alway work that way. The decision to wait or not to wait is ultimately between you, your husband, and God and don't ever let anyone tell you that what you deside is best for your family is the wrong thing.

In my humble opinion, the first year is to get used to each other's nuances and get petty fights out of the way so that by year 2, you can really enjoy each other's company and being married. If you can wait until you are through school to have kids, you will eliminate some huge stressors, like not having the time you want to spend with your new baby. I would wait until you are 9 months from graduation, and then start trying. Enjoy life as a married couple for a while...cause you can't go back. Good luck with all of your future plans!

I got married during my first year of law school, and had my daughter about a week after the second year. I finished second in my class, so it's very doable. It's good to plan, and if all goes well (fertility-wise) you can work the baby in around your schedule. After the kids come, however, all bets are off... you can't plan anything anymore! Best of luck.

I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant 1 month after getting married. It made life h*** o* us, we hardly had time to get used to being married before the hormones went nuts and we had a baby coming it was alot to hande. However it has been 3 years since we were married and we have a 1 and 2 year old now and we are still in love. Everyone is different. Having a kid now or later wont matter once the baby comes life itself will change, I would wait 5 years if you think its going to help anything because once you have kids your whole world will change forever.

I am in graduate school and just recently had a daughter (almost 4 weeks ago). It is very difficult to find enough time to do anything. my school really worked with me and i was able to take a leave of absence during the pregnancy and am currently on another leave of absence. being pregnant and attending school was very difficult because i was so tired and was trying to keep my stress level down. i am currently attempting to finish my thesis and this is proving to be quite the task! a baby is really a 24 hour job.

I haven't read the other responses but from personal experience- there's no point to "planning" anything. God has His own timing and it will happen when He wants it to...We were doing everything to prevent getting pregnant with our first- low and behold we got pregnant after being married 9 months. It just happens...

I know this advice is a bit late, but I am playing "catch up" with my e-mail! I would advise that you wait until you are done with graduate school before you have a baby. Babies are a lot of work and you lose a great deal of sleep and study time when they are around. Plus, you may find it very difficult to leave your baby with someone while you attend class or study, especially if you breastfeed. Children are wonderful and I love my four dearly, but I am glad we waited so that I could be a stay at home mom for most of their young lives! Good Luck! Kati

J.-
I started school after my son was born. It wasn't to bad but, I had a nanny. Was not planning to have another... I got pregnant with my daughter the summer before my Jr. year. I couldn't stay in class- morning sickness got the best of me. I had to drop out. I have taken classes here and there.
My son is now 17 and my daughter 13 I have plans to go back and finish next year.
I stayed home after our daughter was born. I have two great and well behaved kids.
A little about me:
I have been married for 21 years. My husband and I waited 3 years before trying to have children.
I am a facillity coordinator for the American Stroke Foundation 2 days a week. Home School our kids. Our son is a Magician for hirer. Both are in the city theather and have been for 7 years. I am in Artist and teach art to other home schoolers. I help with sets and make-up fot the theather.
Going back to school to become an event coordinator. Which isn't what I was going to be at all. Enjoy your family... Enjoy being a wife and a mother. Well worth all the sacrafices.
Anj

I agree with the other posters - don't be in a hurry! I have a very stable marriage, an incredibly helpful and involved husband (he's actually a SAHD about 70% of the time!) who is a true partner, and a wonderful 10 m.o. DD.

It has been HARD. DD has always been a very good baby - sleeping long stretches early on, not one to fuss unless she was hungry or needed a diaper, etc., and she was very much planned and wanted. Still, not getting enough sleep (because even when the baby's sleeping lots, you'll have a bunch of baby-related chores to do, in addition to what you have to do for yourselves). And all the extracurriculars you list . . . . good luck with that. When I was on maternity leave for 3 months (and DH on leave with me for 3 months!), we thought we'd get a lot done. As it turned out, it was a fantastic day if ONE OF US was able to take a shower, LOL!!

We are both established in our careers and so while not "rich", we have the means to hire a sitter when needed and to buy things that are not truly "necessary", but they do make life easier & more enjoyable (e.g. 2nd carseat for the other car, baby trailer for bike, extra "travel swing" to take places with us, Kindermusik classes). We don't buy "everything" for DD - and much of what we've gotten has been from Craigslist! It would have been very stressful to me to know there were these sorts of things available that could be so helpful but that I couldn't afford. Also, I am the type to pay my credit cards off every month, but if you have any tiny bit of a "shopping problem", let me warn you - there is cute, wonderful baby stuff EVERYWHERE, and it is HARD to stick to a budget when it comes to your bundle of joy! ;) In graduate school, most people are living on loans and so are really just digging themselves in a hole, $$-wise. Frankly, I don't think it's a responsible choice to try to have a child in that situation.

As far as careers, you must know that writing children's books is a hit-or-miss thing . . . you might make it big, or you might not be able to find a publisher. Being a photojournalist I would think would take long (& not always predictable) hours to get established. I really think that for either of those career choices, you would be much better served to make it happen first, without the added demands of a child in your life.

I know this is getting long, but one other thing to consider is your support system - the other people important in your life. Are they having/do they have children now? Do you have famimly in the area? We have family nearby, as well as several friends who are available to us to take care of DD in an unexpected or emergency situation. Those same friends have children of their own, and they're wonderful support for us with their advice and understanding (and hand-me-downs!).

Hopefully you're not upset that most of the advice you're getting is suggesting waiting until after graduate school to add children to your family (NOT "start a family", because you and DH *are* a family on your own!). Just take some time to be married and enjoy your life together before you put the stress of a child on that relationship. The more "set up" your life is when you add kids, the better, because then you don't have to focus on anything else but your baby!

J. -

Take your time and enjoy this time with your husband. There will only be once in your life that you a couple without children. My husband and I were married almost three years before our daughter was born and were together 5 years. We are both in our 30's and have traveled the world, and learned alot about each other before starting our family.

Cheers-
J.