Mamma's of 2 Under 2!! Support Needed

My kids are 20 months apart. One day as I was tending to the baby my then 21 month old was sitting at his play table staring out the window with his head in his hands and looked so lonely! I'm tearing up thinking about that moment now. It was the hardest moment as a mom I've had. You are not a horrible mom. It's an adjustment for EVERY one including you. My youngest is almost a year and I can't believe how much easier it is now than it was even two months ago. For naps I always put the baby down first and while I do that my toddler gets to watch a half hour show and sometimes have a "picnic" snack on my bedroom floor. Then once the baby is down I go in there and finish watching the show and then we snuggle and read together and he takes a nap (only in the afternoons obviously, for morning nap he just watches TV then we play together/get dressed for the day while the baby naps). Let the house go, do the minimal chores, order take out - whatever frees you up to have more time for yourself and your kids. You'll be able to pick it back up sooner than you'd think! And don't be so hard on yourself! Most moms won't talk about it because they want to be perceived as super mom but we all struggle in our own way to make our families work. It will all come together - hang in there!!!!

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You are not a horrible mom!!! My kids are 18 months apart, they are a bit older now but I totally understand! Being a mom is hard! You just have to keep trying, all kids go though clingy stages and they do go away! Sometimes you need to put the baby in a safe place (even if they cry!) and take a minute for yourself. Your kids will be ok playing by themselves, too. The 20 month old can sit and look at books, play with a toy and entertain himself. I think that is an important step, too. You can't be the best mom to both of them all the time! I am sure you are doing a wonderful job. :) Keep your chin up, you are not alone!

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You are NOT a horrible mom, so don't ever ever think that! I went through/am going through the same thing you are feeling right now. My second son was born 18 months after my first and boy do things changed in a heartbeat. I remember crying non-stop for the first 2 weeks, crying how I couldn't give my first son any attention anymore and why did I even have another baby, then I would cry for feeling guilty about having those feelings. It would be a cycle that seemed to never end. I am the same way, as my youngest (8 months) makes me much more angry then the oldest.
Then when one was crying for something, the other would need something and you don't know who to pick first! Plus, getting one to go to sleep and trying to keep the other one quiet is nerve-wrecking. I started to feel hopeless and even angry, everything would frustrate me so much. Its weird too because in my case all my friends that have only one child, ditched me, like it was so odd to have 2 kids so close together.
Anyway, it takes time, but you will need to know it does get better. My advice is kind of beat them to the chase so the tears don't happen. I became super organized and try to get everything ready for the next day the night before... food, formula, toys/games for my 2 year old. Also, if they are both crying, try not to stress. I usually take a very long and deep breath and see who really needs attention first (i.e. who is crying because they are hungry and who is crying for a toy?) the more you get worked up when they are upset, the more upset they will get too.
Their crying and screaming used to bother me so much, it made me feel like I was failing in some way. but then I realized, your kids are BOTH still BABIES!! Babies cry because they have no other way to communicate!
You are doing great, its tough, but it will get better!

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Yep, it sounds familiar! And No, you're not a horrible mom!! I think I even had it easier than you (mine are just 2 years apart) but I still felt the way you are feeling now. I won't repeat all the good advice and words of wisdom you have received here. I just wanted to chime in as another mom who has "been there". The guilt is overwhelming. But, as most others have said, it'll get better, probably sooner than later for you since they're so close in age - they'll be buddies in no time (and all of a sudden you'll be the odd man out!) Keep your chin up girl :)

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You are not alone. I think that all mothers feel this way at some point, no matter how old their children are or the spacing in their ages. It's at these times I try to tell myself that the fact that I care if I am doing a good job means I am not a bad mom. Give yourself a break, you are doing the best that you can and that is what they will remember. Children are needy, probably will always want more of us than at times we can give. Is it possible to get a mother's helper, or a sitter, so you can do one on one things or get a break?

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You are NOT a terrible mother. When my youngest son was 2 months and my oldest son was 20 months, I posted almost exactly the same question on here. My oldest was up the wall while my youngest was constantly nursing. You made it longer than I did before posting! :) The only thing I can tell you is that it will get better with time. In a few months from now they will be playing together and your oldest will honestly forget what it's like without the little guy. Mine are 3 1/2 and 2 years old now and they are the best of friends. It will be crazy for the next couple of years for you, but the overwhelming feeling you have right now will start to subside and you'll start to enjoy the madness. Just try your best right now and do what you have to to get through it. I actually started depending a lot on the tv, which I was totally against. It helped get me through and once things settled down a bit, I put limits on it. Now my kids hardly ever watch more than an hour a day. Like I said, I did what I had to do. :)

One thing more....try to keep your kids on the same schedule like you're doing. It will really be a lifesaver down the road. You might actually get to do a load of laundry or vacuum or, God forbid, take a nap!!!

Just love up those little men the best that you can right now and everything will be fine.

Good luck!!
M.

Hi, I have not read all the posts (but most) in response to your call for help. I don't have answers but I can offer some support. We adopted our girls who are bio sisters when they were 5 mos and 15 mos respectively. Yep, they handed them to us together, then gave us a smile and a wave and told us they would be by the next week to check on everyone. They were in foster care at the time. I swear I thought I would lose my mind.

What finally pulled me together was remembering that I was only one person, and I had two children with different needs. I couldn't be in two places at once...The first thing that we did was to make a room dedicated to the girls. This was a family room, not the bedroom. This room has a sofa and chair, shelves of toys, and a TV for the adults sanity. This room was TOTALLY baby safe, so that we didn't have to worry that one was grabbing something dangerous when we were doing something with the other. As the girls have gotten older, the "downstairs" as we call it, has evolved. A kitchen replaced the swing, kid table and chairs were added in plac, toys rotated in and out.This was also the time we got the oldest one to show affection and share things with her little sister. This meant that I could give attention to both girls, the oldest felt proud and helpful, and the youngest got a double dose of attention at once. Use play mats and swings, give the younger one a little board book to "read" while you read another book to your son, and DON'T stress about the amount of time spent with each child. Look at the quality of the time.

It does get interesting when the younger child becomes more mobile and the older is no longer in charge of which toys she wants to share, though. That's when sister-tipping became the activity choice of the day for my oldest. They grew out of that, thankfully.

Enjoy them.
S.

Yep, I have to agree with the other answers that this is just a very difficult time -- with so many adjustments going on at once!

The hardest part is forgiving yourself for "breaking up" the duo that was just you and your older kid. Now you don't have the time and attention to nuture that special bond anymore. Just keep in mind that now you have added another special buddy who will be your older one's friend all his life long, in ways you never could. You used to be TWO but now you are THREE.

So your goal now should be building independence on your older son's part. Find toys or books or puzzles that are completely engrossing. SAVE them for breastfeeding times. Instead of reading to your older son, get him engrossed in an activity first and then sneak off to feed your baby.

Believe it or not, it is healthy to teach your son how to play on his own without your participation. He may need some redirecting sometimes to stay on his tasks. Then do not worry about one-on-one time with you. That will come, but they actually need as much time getting used to each other and working on making their own bond as possible. And your older son needs working on independence as much as possible. Time with you is a lower priority.

So a good mother of a 20-month old with a little brother teaches him to: a) play independently and b) play well with his little brother. This can mean that you read to both of them, play blocks or cars or puppets with both of them, etc.

They nap at the same time? Oh, I am truly envious! This is a great gift they are giving you so you can have some time to yourself. PLEASE be grateful to them and do not try to change that! Imagine, you could do your housework at nap time so that you and your hubby could just relax at night!

But yes, I can really relate with you at how difficult this time is! When my 20-month-old starting potty-training (against my wishes at the time), and I was breast-feeding my new baby, I can tell you I almost bit the head off a solicitor or two who interrupted our chaos!

It's hard. My 2 little ones are 15 months apart. You are not failing and you are not a horrible mom!! Honestly, for the first year I couldn't even think that this was the rest of my life! LOL. I really had to take it day by day. Okay, can I get up today and do this? (Not that I had a choice) My youngest is 13 months now and it got sooo much better. It's such an adjustment for a long time for all of them. Everyday was better than the previous. My older one (now 2) still pushes her out of the way and cries for attention, but it's better. I give each of my kids separate book time before bed and cuddles. Sometimes, when my husband gets home, I will take just one to the grocery store. You have to get that time in when you can. But I will say, it does get better and they sure do love each other! My 2 year old now does "school" 3 mornings a week, so that way it's one on one with the younger one. It will get easier, hang in there! Oh, and both of mine always napped at the same time, but I loved it because that gave me some peace and quiet and time to get things done!

You are NOT a horrible mom. 2 under 2 is challenging, but it really becomes a blessing over time. Take the time they are both sleeping for yourself, read a book, watch TV, take a nap - all of those things really helped me relax and be ready to start again when they woke up.

I don't have much advice, but my kids are 16 months apart. They are now 2 & 3 and they are best friends and I am so happy they are so close together in age. IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!

I didn't read the other responses you have recieved, but I have been where you are. My boys are 12 monthes and 2 wks apart. Many times I felt I was a horrible mother. Our second son was also very needy and I pumped breastmilk for his first 3 monthes of life). I encouraged them to lay down at the same time, for my own sanity (quiet time). If I had to sooth our youngest, I sat on the couch and asked our other son for help. When they were awake and wouldn't play by themselves, I sat on the floor and played w/ them both. They are 3 and 4 now, and its still hard to give attention to both w/out the other feeling left out, thats when taking turns comes in. Keep up the good job and do what works for you, this phase won't last forever. I spent alot of time outside and at the park to give our oldest attention b/c he could walk while the other was in a stroller. Sometimes I still feel horrible for having them so close (though it wasn't suppose to happen that way), but I know they will grow to be great friends and great guys (even though they go at it sometimes). My heart is w/ you. :)

It will get better!! I have two sets of kids that are close together. My older two are now 8 & 9 (they are one year and 23 days apart) and my younger 2 are 4 months, and 20 months. Pretty soon you will all be able to play together. I just try to talk to my 20 month old when I have to take care of the baby and explain to her what I am doing. I also will put on her favorite show (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and let her sit next to me while I am nursing. Then she can still be next to me without me reading and waking upt he baby. Also there are times when I need to take care of my older baby and the younger baby will have to wait for a bit. She cries sometimes, but she is going to have to learn that the world does not revolve around her. Both of them need to learn that. It is hard at times, but I promise you it does get better. If it didn't I wouldn't have been crazy enough to do it all over again!! LOL - and believe me when I had my first two I swore that I was done.....then they got older things got easier and my husband and I decided we wanted another baby and since they were going to be so far apart from the other two kids that we should have 2 more!! Sometimes now I wonder what I was thinking, but all in all, it is worth it, just hang in there!!

My 2 are 19 months apart. Now they are 3 and 5. All the other responses are great but I just wanted to add a few things. When mine were that young, I took things, not one day at a time, but one minute at a time. I remember it getting easier when my youngest could sit up and play with toys. That's when the oldest could participate more and "help" mommy by playing with his sister while I did things around the house.
No one is a perfect parent. As long as you are putting your children first (which means prioritizing one's needs over the others sometimes), everyone will be fine. Even though it may not seem like it now, by having the second, you have given your first the best gift in the world. You have given him a lifelong partner. They will teach each other, with your guidance, how to share, collaborate, and manage through life's challenges.
My two play very well together and I can't believe how much easier it is now. Good luck!