Mamma's Boy Has Sever Separation Anxiety, Still Nursing and Co-sleeping

Updated on December 02, 2008
J.H. asks from San Jose, CA
4 answers

My son has sever separation anxiety and has no interest in stopping nursing. He is 18 months and the younger of two children. When he goes to daycare he is fine with me leaving, he gives me a kiss and waves goodbye. But when I come back to pick him up he runs to me and wants me to pick him up right away. Which is fine because I miss him also, but I have a 3 year old daughter who also wants to hug mommy hello. I give him a big hug and kiss then try to set him back down so I can hug my older daughter and to sign them both out for the day and he cries and wont stand up, he just goes limp. I set him down anyway and he stands up and crabs my legs (wailing the whole time) and then throws himself on the ground if I don’t pick him back up. He has hit his head hard before doing this and he does it anyway anytime he doesn’t get his way. Once I am done signing them out and I pick him up again he is fine. He stops crying the second that I start picking him up and he smiles and waves goodbye to his friends perfectly happy as long as he is in my arms. Once I put him into the car seat he starts to fight to get out and is crying again. When we get home he is happy and playing for a little while, but once he decides he wants me to hold him-look out! He wont let me put him down the rest of the night! I have to hold him while I cook and everything. If I put him into his crib he jumps out. I am afraid he will break a leg jumping to the ground like that. Once out of his crib he runs to me asking to be picked up. (He doesn't talk much, maybe only 3 words which is behind for his age he should say 5-10 words by now) He will grab my legs so I can’t even walk I try to go around him, but every time I try he cries harder and throws himself down. I’m afraid he is going to hurt himself! He gets to the point he is crying so hard he is gasping to breath. At this point all he wants to do is nurse. He only nurses at night now because I have been trying to wean him for 6 months, but when he gets this upset he cries and cries until I give in. My older daughter gets very upset if I try and let him cry it out. She starts crying also and starts yelling for me to “help baby! He wants to drink your booby! Help him he is sad, don’t you hear baby!” This breaks my heart and I give in and nurse him an everyone is happy again but me, because I can’t get anything done!
I talked with his Dr and she said that because I am working and gone all day he just wants some of my time and to just spend time holding him if that is what he wants. I tried to her know that I can't cook or do dishes or anything without him being super clingy and she just said to let the dishes sit so I can spend time with him. This makes me feel bad also because it is not like I never give him any love, I’m not scrubbing my kitchen and neglecting my kids, I’m making them some dinner! I can’t even pee by myself! He comes in and grabs my legs until I pick him up! He is a very sweet boy, he shares nicely with his sister, gives me juicy kisses every morning as we wake up, but I can’t help but feel like I am turning him into a monster that is spoiled rotten and gets everything he wants. At night he nurses to sleep then I put him into his bed, he wakes around 12am and comes into bed with me then he nurses back to sleep.
How can I stop the stubborn demanding behavior, stop him nursing and get him to sleep in his bed? HELP!
ps Sorry this is so long!

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A.H.

answers from San Francisco on

I too am the mom of a cling-o sorus. The way I got nursing under control was to put him on a schedule, stick to my guns, and then once he accepted it I started dropping one nursing time a month in order of which ones seem least important to him. Each time I made sure to have a fun activity to distract him. When I dropped the night nursing I told him it was sleepy time, rubbed his back for a minute and then rolled over and pretended to be asleep. Initially it's gonna be hell but remember it's good for both of you in the long run.
Sounds like you might need to have a chat with your 3 year old - explain that her brother is getting older and it's time for him to have less - "booby". Maybe even see if she'll help by playing with him?
Also, I would ask the daycare provider to please squeeze in some extra hugs for your son. Maybe he could use a few more during the day but does not get them because he isn't crying.

and P.S. I think your pediatrician's response was very insensitive! Unless she's offering to help out and wash the dishes for you I'd tell her to take a hike! Contrary to recent popular opinion, attending to basic hygiene and home maintenance does not make you a bad mom.

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N.J.

answers from San Francisco on

Don't be so worried. You are a loving caring mom and obviously have raised a loving caring little sensitive girl. Your baby is still a baby and cannot yet express his wishes verbally so in his frustration he lets you know (very clearly...good for him!!) what he wants. If children are given what they want and need they do not get so upset and when the need is satisfied they can relax and move on. If you have some device to allow you to safely carry him and still get things done, use it to keep your back from giving out. He will get over it. Stubborn is not an issue now. No need to stop nursing if that is satisfying to him. If you have the energy, try putting him back in his crib after nursing if possible. He is trying to have some control over assuring himself you will come back and he is not losing you. He Will move on from this if it is satisfied. Relax and enjoy this period in both your lives...all three of your lives. Bless you and your two little ones. N.

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A.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I recommend this program to EVERYBODY!! It has worked wonders with both my kids:

www.sleepsense.net. Go to Do-it-Yourself options, and buy the $47 e-book online.

I tried Dana Obleman's tips with my first child, and had her sleeping 11-12 hours through the night immediately. Saved my life! I'm a big fan of this program, and I'm now relying on it with my second baby.

Good luck!
A.

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A.H.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi J.,
This sounds really tough for you, your son and your daughter! My daughter used to have trouble around dinner time too, and I would put her in my Ergo carrier (soft carrier I can wear on my back), put on some nice music, and make dinner. She wasn't always 100% happy with this arrangement, but she wasn't in complete distress either. This way your son will be physically close to you but your hands are free to make dinner.
I highly recommend the ergo carrier, especially since your son is already 18 months old and probably pretty heavy. It's soft but it has a lot of support so your back won't break.
About the daycare sign-out, is it possible to sign them out before they see you? Maybe you can work this out with your provider so you can take care of business then be totally available for your kids.
Don't worry, the phase will pass. Maybe you can leave the dishes until after bedtime until things get a little easier?
Good luck to you.
A.

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