Making Friends as Adults

R.,
I totally understand. We moved from Circle Pines to Woodbury when our daughter was 1 and it does take ALOT of effort and time that you don't necessarily have when you have a little one in the mix. I found an absolute wonderful resource in a group that meets right in Oakdale. It's Mothers and More Twin Cities East. They have a website as well. We meet twice per month for meetings with topics and sometimes guest speakers. Then there are many playdates, a monthly events such as moms night out/ in, coffee, lunch get togethers, scrapbook and crafting nights and we just last year started a card club. It's alot of fun and very educational. Come check us out, our next meeting is next Wednesday on the 5th (? I don't have my calendar right in front of me)at Oak Meadows right by Guardian Angels Catholic Church.

M.

Once you have your baby, you will meet tons of new mommy friends. I was amazed aftr I had my daughter 3 years ago. Sign up for an ECFE class (highly recommended!), a mommy-baby yoga class, or something like that and before you know it, you will have a whole new social circle. In the mean time, join a club, take a class, or volunteer somewhere to meet new people. I joined a cooking club about 5 years ago. I did not know one person in the club before joining. Now the other women in the club are my best friends. Good luck!

Some friendships don't survive the passages in our lives. Others ebb and flow over the years. I'm 43 now, and there are a couple friendships I've had that began in high school or college and are current. But, even those two have been very different. One friend, I may speak to once a year; and, the other, every couple months (they, too, live far away now). There are other close friendships I've had that I've given up for lost and backed off, but leaving the door open, so to speak. Some have renewed down the road, and others have withered. Mourn the loss you feel, but don't despair. You ARE in a new groove these days, with marriage and an upcoming baby. And, you WILL discover new friends with whom you'll feel connections and love, who are grooving in complementary ways themselves. It's all good. Keep the love for your old friends; but, let them be if trying to keep them is stressing you out. You'll have enough stressors with a new baby! :)

i don't know if can give you advice so much as some encouragement. I know a fair number of people who have had their circle of friends change when they get married, often their single friends simply don't understand the changes that occure when you get married and now with your little one coming along. I live in Oakdale so i do understand what you mean about most people being wrapped up in their own world. I would recomend looking to get connected with other newer moms who live nearby you. Some ways that might help you would be looking for a moms group through one of the online sites such as momslikeme.com etc. Otherwise sometimes churches can be a good way to connect with other people in your life stage. Sometimes you can even find groups or people on here. :)

time to move on...guess they really werent your friends in the 1st place..i went thru the same thing...i can see 20 yr olds acting this way..but 30?? good luck to ya....

R., I'm totally where you are at! I moved here from South Dakota (7 years ago), met my husband, got married and now live in St. Paul. I grew up with the same friends for 25 years and now they all live in another state. I've made friends with the spouses of all my husbands friends but it's just not the same. Sometimes I get depressed because I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I know you can meet people at "mommy and me" and "mommy clubs" but that's not the same either. I need a BEST friend, someone who knows me inside and out, someone I can have a glass of wine with and talk about sex and how my husband annoys me sometimes. Someone who can give me their honest opinion about what's going on in my life...another womans' advice. My husband tells me I look good in everything, I want someone to tell me when my butt looks too big in those jeans!
So I do know what you mean. Having girlfriends is so important, it helps maintain a happy life and a happy marriage. I just wish it were easier to make them. We should totally hang out, I live by 3M, probably not far from you. And I can't drink either, I'm expecting baby #2 in Dec!

do you attend a church in your area?
How about volunteering somewhwere
Community ed classes...
I have a similar situation..we adopted 2 adorable boys 16 months ago...my girlfriends didn't even throw the "shower" they said they had been planning for years..
It hurts I know..but I feel like I am making better connections with people that have similar interests with
I volunteer if I can and now I am looking in to Zumba classes (just have to figure out schedules)...
Hope this helps a little
J.

R.,

I moved from Brooklyn Center to Oakdale (actually grew up in Oakdale). My husbands family always jokes that they have to pack a lunch to come see us. It bugs me, because I drive to their house with no problem. I really haven't had any close friends for years. Actually since after High School, everyone went their seperate ways. I am in contact with them via Facebook, but we don't really get together. Its hard when you think someone is your friend and a little thing like getting married or moving 20 minutes away keeps you from them. I am 31yrs old and I have 3 children. I work from home, so I have no social life what so ever...lol... Only adult interaction I get is with my husband until he goes to work at 2pm. I wish I had better advice for you, but wanted to let you know your not alone!!!!

I wish we could just approach adults and ask them to be our friends! But at first glance, it may seem like a good fit, but then upon further investment, it doesn't work out. I've found that others don't want to make that investment, thinking it's a waste of time. Anywho - DON"T be discouraged! Having a baby changed my friend life! If you plan on breastfeeding, you can start checking out Le Leche League meetings. Check out www.momsclub,org and search to see if there is club in your area, it's for SAH and part time working moms. Another one I've found is MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), it is Christian based and you can find their website and search for groups in your area. Do you attend a church, etc...? They may have a moms group.

I met a few moms at the childbirth classes, I also took them through the Fairview system, and even though I didn't deliver through them I was invited to a small group. Check out your local yoga studio, maybe they have prenatal yoga? Or community ed prenatal yoga?

I would invite you for coffee, but I'm on the other side of the metro from you, even farther than Bloomington! But I must say, your Bloomington friends are being selfish if they won't make the effort. With a newborn on the way, I feel they are being unreasonable. It's the start of a different season for you, they are probably feeling left behind. They will catch up someday, I'd say if at all, keep tabs on them (Facebook, etc..) and when they reach the same season they will love you for the advice/ help. Good luck!

Throw a party!

Invite all your old friends, and all your new neighbors. Hand-deliver the invitations. I know, you're exhausted and pregnant. But get the husband to help.

When we moved to our new neighborhood, we threw a big party and it really worked. The old frineds mingled with new neighbors, and we got to be known (and hopefully liked) pretty fast.

I also paid attention to who on the block had a new baby, or puppy, or any life event and walked over with a paper plate of home-baked cookies. No pressure, just being a friendly neighbor.

Go for lots of walks. It's a good way to see who's in their yard and strike up conversations (about gardening, the dog, the boat, etc.).

My husband an I are pretty outdoorsy. This means we are in our front yard A LOT. So everyone sees us. Because we're out there often, many of the neighbor kids come play in our yard with our single 4-year old. And all the families have come to trust us.

R.,
It's time to find new friends. It sucks. when you become a mom so much of your life changes and your priorities change. Look for mom's clubs and book clubs - and just join. I've found that book clubs are just an excuse to get together and drink wine and make some awesome friendships.
good luck. we've all ben there.

Congrats on the pregnancy (and good luck!)
It is hard to make friends as adults, but I think will find once your baby is born you will start to develop "mom friendships" by joining mom groups, ECFE and going to the park. Until then are there any moms in the neighborhood? Could you maybe use your pregnancy as an excuse to chat with them? Seek out advice from other moms (even if you don't really want it, the best way to befriend a mom is to ask her for mom-advice!) ... I know I've lost a few friendships as I've gotten married, moved, and had kids, but I've also gained a ton of mom-friends in the mean time. Good Luck!

Hi R. -
I had moved out of state for a few years and then came back. Now I am not close to any of my old friends. I feel your pain as being the one who always has to make things happen - my phone does not ring except for my husband and my mom! :) Proximity does matter - so try to meet neighbors; be out in your yard a lot so that you have that chance to meet and see if you might click with some of them.

Night to Unite is on Tuesday, August 4th (formerly Nat'l Night Out) - see if you can find out if anyone hosts that in your neighborhood and go to it. If not, maybe you can throw that together and host it yourself - we take our invitations in person to meet the neighbors as well as invite them. Doesn't have to be anything huge - ask others to bring a chair, drink, and snack to share. It's a great chance to hang out and meet everyone.

Otherwise, I think the mom's groups are good and also getting into a bible study at church is great, too.
Good luck,
D. (Blaine)

I agree with the last poster. Taking classes for mom and baby, and moms groups are probably the easiest. I am a member of one on Meetup.com. There are also some family centers that have groups. The one in Sunray shopping center [New Life] has a mom's group that I used to go to. Also, I find that if I keep going to the same place, I see some of the same moms over and over and end up talking to them and making friends. I have been taking my son to a certain wading pool and there always seems to be this one mom there that I end up talking to and our kids play together. She said, "why don't you guys come over sometime?" and I say "sure that would be great. I know the boys would have fun" --now if I only had the guts to ask her for her number! It's kind of like dating in a way...you have to meet them, see if you "click" and if you share some interests/values and can relate to each other, if they aren't too far away, and then get their number, and take it "to the next step"! It's tough but you absolutely need friends...and not just your old ones. You need some friends who are already moms who know what you're going through. I don't know any parent that isn't super busy, but that doesn't meet that you are imposing. They are probably craving the same thing. You just have to be brave and make the first move sometimes.

Once you are a mother, you will automatically connect with other mothers. Try going to ECFE, or if you are a stay at home join a moms group. Once you start seeing the same women, be brave and set up a play date or coffee etc. I have made some good friends now that my kids are getting older, through girl scouts, school etc.

Also, try sitting outside in the summer...neighbors tend to come out more in the summer and you can hang out or invite over for a bbq.

Friendships change as you get older and especially if your firends dont have kids. Having kids may connect you all again, but it may take time.