Major Behavior Issues at Home

Hello R.,
My daughter now 27 mths. was the same way at 14 mths. Let me assure it is a phase. She will play independently with her toys once her imagination explodes, but that takes time and she needs to learn it from you. That is why she wants to be with you. My daughter would also flip out about the carseat too. I would have her help me get her in the carseat, that way she thinks she is doing it by herself. It doesn't work all of the time, especially if she or you are cranky. The tantrums, I stopped with my daughter, both of them early. They would get a time-out, but not for any amount of time. Sometimes it would be two-seconds other times it would be until she calmed down. It depended on how badly she flipped out. I don't care what anyone says, it always worked for me and gave me a time-out too. I have her give me a hug when she gets up, that way she is assured that I love her. I tell you, now I love my daughter's independence. She is so helpful to me. I ask her to do things and she is always willing. She potty-trained easy, likes to dress herself, it is really funny sometimes. Just be patient and make sure the two of you get enough sleep. It makes a world of difference and don't worry this will be over shortly.

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Wow, R.- your kid is way too smart for her own good! I don't know if it really is a "phase" because she's just off the chart with most of her milestones! Tantrums do ease up some, once kids are talking well. (For most anyways.) And she's probably going through some serious separation anxiety, which IS completely normal at this age.

But walking at 7 month?? Helping you with all that stuff?? WOW! It's exciting, and most likely extremely exhausting, huh? Do you have an Ergo carrier? You may want to buy one, and just put her on your back when she's clingy like this. If she's not heavy, you can try a sling on your hip. (My son is 13 months, and starting to get pretty heavy, so I use the Ergo now.) You can carry her everywhere, no matter what you're doing. She'll feel connected, you two can chat, and you can actually have an emotional (if not physical) break from her demands!

To be honest, she's just so smart and intense- she may never be an "easy" child. But she sure sounds interesting and funny (when she's not screaming, right?). And she will never bore you!

I think your instincts sound really good. Ignoring her doesn't seem to be working. I would never normally suggest a time out for this age, but maybe she's old enough to try one (as that other mama suggested)? You'd probably need to use a pack-n-play or something, to keep her contained for that 30 seconds or so.

I don't know- it's so out of most our leagues! I'll bet you $$$ she's gonna do something amazing one day, with that brain though. Cure some horrible disease, or write the next great American novel!

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Hi R.,

I have been reading a book that I think you might find useful in your struggles. "To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl has been very helpful for us in changing our children's behavior and so far, everything that they share in the book has proven true for us. Whether you find this book helpful or not, I pray you will find the answers you seek.

God Bless,
C.

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It sounds like your baby is very smart, since she knows how to help you with your chores. Because she understands what you say have a talk with her. Tell her that she will no longer be allowed to throw temper tantrums to get your attention. Tell her if she screams she will have a time out. When she starts screaming, warn her and tell her to stop. If she doesnt, which she wont at first, immediately put her in time out. Totally ignore her for 2 minutes and then ask her sweetly if she is going to stop screaming. She wont, so tell her she has to stay until she stops. Keep ignoring for a few minutes and then ask her again. Eventually she will stop screaming and begin sobbing. When she does this let her get up and give her a hug. Then go about your business. She will start screaming again and you have to repeat the treatment. She WILL get the message, but it will seem like forever to you. Remember this when she is screaming, a crying child is NOT a happy child. When you wrote this message your baby was miserable and so were you. As soon as she learns screaming and crying is not going to work to get your attention she will stop, learn to play and be happy.

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Hi R.!

It's not that this is your child, and that it was easier with other people's kids at your old preschool. I have one of these at home, and I didn't know how advanced she was either b/c she was our first. I agree that it is NOT a phase. I know it's really excruciating right now, but if you work really hard (and you will have to, for many years--sorry!) she will mellow out a bit as she gets older.

My daughter is now 8, and she was just like this. I was a stay-at-home mom too, so don't feel guilt about that. It didn't matter! My daughter would tantrum until she vomited (fun, right?).

I agree with this poster's comments:
"To be honest, she's just so smart and intense- she may never be an "easy" child. But she sure sounds interesting and funny (when she's not screaming, right?). And she will never bore you!

I think your instincts sound really good. Ignoring her doesn't seem to be working. I would never normally suggest a time out for this age, but maybe she's old enough to try one (as that other mama suggested)? You'd probably need to use a pack-n-play or something, to keep her contained for that 30 seconds or so."

For me, things got even worse when I had a new baby. By age 5, it had escalated to the point where I needed the guidance of a child psychologist to get a handle on her. He gave me handouts to follow which tiered the discipline--the ultimate being a time-out in a a previously chosen spot, for a set amount of time. I needed to tell her specific things. The key was to be extremely consistent so she always knew what to expect if she did x, y or z. It took about six months, but she really turned a corner.

Now she is still an intense girl, but she respects me completely, and also trusts me explicitly. She and my husband still go at it b/c he was never consistent. *sigh*

Definitely consider the 30-sec. time out in the pack n play (no toys, and don't use the crib b/c she associates that with bedtime and you don't want to mess that up! If you start now, maybe you can get a handle on her earlier than I did, but you may need to chat with a professional, b/c like my awesome, incredible daughter, yours is a force to be reckoned with. ;)

Hang in there, and hold on tight because it is a long ride. You are her world, and you can make it all work out, but everyone will need to be on the same page with you. Send me a message if you want to talk. I would be happy to do that. :)

Good luck!

Sounds like my 22 month old son and its something that didn't just start. He's been like this from the start. My first suggestion is to just drop everything and hold her. Give her your undivided attention. I work full time too and I know theres things to do in the a.m. and p.m. but they don't understand that. They just want mom. Just hold her for a while. I realize you can't do this every tantrum and shouldn't, but sometimes they just want to be held. I also find my son is very independent and very stubborn - he wants to do everything himself with NO HELP and that can cause conflicts but he is so cooporative at times yet other times I really have to work to get him to do something. The trick is getting him to think he's doing it b/c he wants to, not because I want him to. I also have to just let him do things himself - takes a lot of time and patience but that time is more tolerable than when I have to fight him. Diapers, clothes, car seats - the list goes on...ughhh - they can be wrestling matches and often are. But here are some actual things I do and lets all remember moms, we do what we can do what we have to! Diaper changes/clothes changes - I actually give him my cell phone to play with. I found a soccer game in my games and he loves to just push the buttons and hear the noises. He loves playing soccer so the cell phone soccer game is so exciting for him. Once he's calm I usually enlist his help - give him some independence to get himself dressed and he loves it - now your daughter is a bit younger so a distraction might just be enough but she sounds pretty advanced so both might work. My sons favorite saying is I DO IT! Getting in the car...the cell phone works sometimes but by then he's over it b/c I just used it to get him dressed and out the door...LOL, so I have special treats (snacks or toys) for him - yes, my friends and I call it a bribe...i think those "politically correct and by the book" people have a different term for it. Find something your daughter wants and keep it reserved for those times only. TV? Yes, I use the tv too when I need to get dressed or cook or clean the kitchen - never thought I'd do it but again, you do what you have to do and many of us grew up watching tv and are just fine! YES, sometimes you do just have to IGNORE the tantrum too. I think you'll find what works. Your daughter - like my son - is a lot smarter than I ever thought a child could be - I had no clue... demanding, intense, easily angered, independenent, yet smart, loving, cute, funny, and so much fun. Was your daughter born in March by any chance? LOL - my son was an he fits his astrological sign to a tee!!!!!!!!! Aries.

It sounds like typical behavior to me for a child that age. My son is almost 20 mos and most days, he only wants my attention as well. We have a family room FULL of toys, but he'd rather help me brush my teeth, unload the dishwasher, and sweep the floors. They looove doing what we do--it's natural and it will pass. Soon they won't have any interest in us and we'll wish they were following us all over the house! :(

Anyway, just try to be patient because there's not a lot you can do about this. It sounds to me like she just wants her Mommy. I don't think there's a cure for that. :)

Hang in there. I wish there was more I could say to help.
L.

You admit you have a education about child development so I am amazed that you see your daughter as having bad behavior. She just loves you and wants your attention. She is a toddler, not a 4 year old. You get to be away and to yourself all day. If you need more time get a sitter and go out. When at home it sounds like she really needs you too want to be with her. Change your attitude and she may change hers. Just a thought. Best wishes.

This sounds really frustrating, and you're doing it yourself! We went through a rough patch with my son, and I did a lot of reading including What To Expect The Toddler Years that helped me a lot. He's a "difficult to adapt" type kid, and so I learned to prepare him for everything, so he would always know what is coming next. We stick to a strict routine, and if there's going to be a disruption to it, we try to plan how we'll handle it. One of the things we gave up was doing anything productive while he was up. We do dishes after the kids are in bed (we're not so lucky to have a dishwasher) etc. So when we get home from work, we just do dinner, bathtime and playtime. All one-on-one stuff pure kid-attention. When our son would have a tantrum at that age, we would do a "reset" because timeout is more advanced. One of us (mind you, we already had another baby when he was your daughter's age) would take him into his bedroom and hold him really tight and talk about how wonderful he is. Validate your daughter's feelings, let your house go, play play play. It does get better.

I have a friend whose daughter sounds similar to yours in terms of her neediness level. When she was 3, they finally found out she had FIVE major food allergies. When they eliminated the offenders from her diet, she stopped being so clingy/ADD/insomniac. So that's something else to keep in mind. (our son, it turns out, is allergic to dairy, and his behavior has improved immensely since we eliminated it from his diet).

Lastly, I think you need help and maybe even a break sometimes. I work full time too, so I try to go out for coffee with a friend after the kids are in bed. Or while they're napping. Maybe someone could come watch your daughter while she's sleeping, so you could have a break? Hang in there.

R., I feel like you were descibing MY little girl! I know it's frustrating (I sometimes felt like a monkey - with my baby firmly latched on to me...sometimes even a mom needs a little personal space!)...but it sounds like your daughter is very observant, clever, and wants to participate in every aspect of your daily life. I finally changed my perception of my daughter's behavior...the skills she is learning with you are much more important than those she would learn from toys (even so-called educational toys). I think you'll find that, because of all the time she spends on your hip/with you, her language skills will develop faster than most. Someone once told me that it's the high maintenance children that end up being the most rewarding.

My daughter is 20 months old now and she finally began playing independently (even for just a couple minutes) when she was about 15 months old.

Have you tried a maya wrap? That would free up your hands while you're doing housework that she can't help with or that you need to finish quickly. Hang in there with the temper tantrums, too - I bet they'll get much better when she can adequately express herself to you. (my BIL said that he thought my daughter felt trapped in her own body - when she was 9 months old - she just had very specific opinions about life but couldn't express them properly yet.)

I know what you mean about being unsure about your own child - when you thought you had all the answers ( I did at least) My son is 3 1/2 and I thought I knew everything there was to know about this child-rearing thing, but my daughter broke the mold and defied every technique that was tried and true with my son. I guess that's the beauty of having a child - they always surprise you and stretch you. :-)

Know that you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter and that, while other moms (including myself) may offer advice that is 'tried and true', only you truly know your daughter and what's best for her. Also, no stage lasts forever. When I'm ready to pull my hair out with my daughter I try to remember that when she's a teenager she probably won't want anything to do with me...sometimes that helps.

I'm sorry that I don't have a solution for you - you're not alone, though! :-)

God bless and keep up the good work!

I just read the other responses and it reminded me that when I began explaining things to my daughter (as an adult) the tantrums dramatically reduced. She understood more than I gave her credit for, you know? She used to scream when I'd leave her in the nursery at church (they were wonderful - she just didn't want to be separated from me), but when I stopped to explain, "Mama has to go for a little while and you have to stay here and play, but I'll be back in just a little bit, OK?" she didn't cry! I agree that your little girl is advanced; and she will continue to be the light of your life!

Hi R.,
Your little girl sounds very bright. It's great that she is so helpful and wants to spend time with you but we all need our space. I let my children know when I need my space and they have come to respect it. It can be as short as a minute of quite time. I had a few questions? Are her verbal skills as advanced as her physical? Children will cry and act up when frustrated with being unable to verbally express themselves. Is they something at her daycare that upsets her? It can be a simple as she doesn't like the snack.
My son is very logically and cooperates when he has an understanding of the plan and expectations. I verbally remind him of the routine, his job ( getting ready for the day by getting dressed, his lunch and coat). I make sure to praise him and let him know how helpful it is when he is responsible.
Also, a parents job vs a children's jobs (work vs learning, playing, making friends). We also brought him to our work sites and each day my husband gave him a new business card with the phone # on it to contact us if he needed too ( which he never needed) and allowed him to bring one special toy a day to day care and got him a watch. No he wasn't able to tell time but he learned that I would be there to pick him up when the hand hit 5.
I verbally remind them when we get home what needs to be done.
My daughter just needs a few minutes at the end of the day to sit and chat or play a game before the nightly routine of dinner,chores, etc
And I always verbally reassure them I will be there to pick them up.
Some of these things seemed to help provide comfort and reassurance to my kids and reduce the seperation anxiety.
Best of Luck.
S.

hi, you know, it's just the phase. It'll soon pass. My daughter was that way when she was about this age (even though i was sahm), but at 20 months, for instance, I can't believe how independent she became. She still wants me around but no hugging, please :)
Your daughter wants to be with you, the fact that you work full time leaves her less time to be around and cuddle. You should understand (I bet you do). Besides, at this age it's very hard for a child to communicate her needs, as she can't talk yet, so maybe third part of her tantrums is that she doesn't really want you to hold her, she wants smth. else, you just don't quite understand what she really wants, but in her eyes you're the only one who can give her everything.
So, my advice would be silly - try to enjoy the moments when she wants you to hold her. When it's hard, try to say to yourself that it's needed (like feeding her or etc.), sit down with her and try not to think about anything. Believe me, at this age you won't still spoil her by that and besides such phase really passes so soon, they all become independent sooner or later, usually sooner. I understand that it's hard a single mom, so after your "cuddle" time, you get up and do things together (and you do it so great already, as you described).
Good luck.

Hi R.,
As a single, working mom you can't help it not spending the time with your daughter that she would like you to. She most likely misses you terrible during the day. You just have to deal with your daughters insecurity until she grows out of it sooner or later.
So just be patient!
C.

Yes it is hard. But ignoring the behavior is what you need to to. Giving in to her demands (yes they are demands whether verbal or not) is just reinforcing the behavior. If she is laying on the ground step over her. You have to be stronger then she is.

Hi R., I think your little problem is a big one. Your little girl is advanced and may be starting her terrible two's early. She is most definately rebelling against your going out to work. She wants to spend as much time with you as possible. She is so young, can you talk to her? Maybe you can sit and hold her when you first come home. How is she behaving at daycare or wherever she stays? Hopefully this will pass. Always remind her how much you love her and try to do some things when she is sleeping. Grandma Mary

A lot of moms are saying this is typical, but it doesn't seem typical to me. I mean the clinginess yes... especially w/you being her only parents. But the fits while getting dressed, eating, and in the car seat... at that age that doesn't seem normal to me at all. Hopefully she'll outgrow the tantrums. I know around the same age my son would do the same thing. I actually kind of chuckled at the part about time outs, b/c I know when my son was going through his rough behavioral stage... time out meant nothing... he'd just get up and come over to me. There is no forcing a willful child to sit lol. I wish I had more advice for you other than "hopefully she'll grow out of it". Do you have any family or close friends who can help keep her maybe one night every other week or so, so that you can get out and have some grown up time that isn't work related? That might give you a chance to relieve some stress and deal w/the behavior a little better until she out grows it… which I hope she does. You seem to already be taking the steps we’re told to use and they just aren’t working… so hopefully it’s just a phase.

Best of luck!

Wanting to be held, arching the back, etc is all just a phase she's going through. She doesn't want toys because her favorite toy of all is mommy. It's exhausting to be the center of her universe but it'll pass soon.

Try making some time to sit with her and play with her toys. You'll show her to to use her imagination and maybe she'll play by herself a bit. My grandkids loved Teletubbies at this age so if you can borrow a dvd at the library and see if she likes them it could buy you a half hour.

Hi R.
I am so sorry that your wonderful daughter is having an issue about being away from you. She is only 14 mos old. Do you know that some children are not even walking by then?
Do you know how grown up your assessment of her is? My oh my, you are fortunate she is able to handle any of it. What age level did you teach in preschool? Did you ever have to tell a parent that this particular situation is not working for this particular child? Look at your daughters home behavior and assess it like you would a mom coming to you as the teacher. You will look at her differently. I know that she must be at preschool of some sort but did they switch class because of her age? Is she too active for the class? Are they treating her like she is 3 because she acts like she is 3?
Our son was a big little man, and the whole year he was 2 I told everyone I left him with that he was only 2, don't expect more than the rest of the 2 year old's just because he looks 5, and wearing size 6. He was head and shoulders taller than the rest of the kids his age til he turned 8 yo. When he turned 3, he looked at me and said "yippee, I am not just 2 any more." People tend to forget age, and because kids can do so many things like the older kids they forget that they can't do them all especially if in an aged grouping which most preschools are.
I suggest that you spend an hour or more just holding her and talking to her like she is the reason you get up every day, and see if she then feels you will always return. Most toddlers require 100% of your time. Also make sure that no one is saying that you won't be back, in jest, discipline or in poor judgment. Have you heard preschool teachers say "mom's not coming back yet." If a child does not hear the whole sentence, or doesn't yet know the word "yet", what did they hear? The appropriate phrase is "mom will be back soon, where is mom?" And hopefully your daughter knows you are working. or "mom will be back soon, she's working, she can't wait to see you" Make sure because she acts like the foster kids that know their mom is not returning. Just a thought!!!
God bless you with His wisdom
K. --- SAHM married 38 years === adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer married with 6 mo, and twins 18 and in college after homeschooling.

When you get home drop everything, get on the floor, get out a toy and play uninterupted for 1/2 hour!!!! Make it all about her!!! She is craving attention and being a working Mom you are pulled in soooo many different directions. I am a SAHM and still have to take time to give specific, uninterupted time to each child. Having her help you is a great idea but she still needs time doing her things with you. You have a huge juggling act and it sounds like you are doing your best but give yourself permission to do nothing BUT be with her. The dishes, housework, whatever will still be there a while later!!! A.