M-i-l Problems

Hi R.

My biological mother was the same way..except people for who they are not what you want them to be. It makes life alot easier and less frustrating. If she is not dependable then don't rely on her. If she will only spend time with one kid at a time set up rules and say all of the kids or no kids. it's up to you. How do the kids feel about this? What I learned to do is have the people around my kids who want to be with them and love them and who are interested about them. The kids love it more too. It's the people who want to be with them and love them that are the important ones to have around your kids.

If she is not relyable then and you expect her to babysit when you know she is going to cancel out, then don't put yourself or your kids in that position. Whats the point..more frustration?...

hope this helps

D.

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I am a mother of adult daughters and grandmother of 6 grandchildren. How often do you spend time with your mother just to be with her? Do you really know what is going on in her life? How long has she been single/alone? Maybe you have different expectations of what a grandmother should be than what your mother wants to be or sees herself as being? I would begin with just spending time with her and NOT TALKING about all that you've mentioned in your request... just spend time with her, get to know her, help her feel safe and accepted by you, whether or not you agree with any of her decisions about how she lives her life... then once a foundation of trust and acceptance has been established maybe you'll be able to have a conversation about these other issues. There is only one of her and 5 of you... so she could also feel a bit overwhelmed if she feels like she isn't measuring up to something that you expect from her and that she possibly is unable to give or not ready to give in fear of reaping your disappointment or disapproval. These are just my guesses and being on the grandmother side I know how easy it is for my daughters to expect something from me (and somehow I'm supposed to know these expectations without them expressing them to me?)and when I don't come through all of a sudden I'm the bad grandma! Of course, they haven't bothered to ask me my opinion of what I feel a grandmother's responsibilities are and/or how I would like to express being a grandmother to my grandchildren. Anyway... I think you get the gist of where I'm going here. Just so you know... I adore every one one of my grandchildren and love all of my daughters very much! This is also my time of life where I can now do things I did not have time and/or money before and am not responsible for anyone else (besides my husband of course!). So I do balance out my time with being with my grandchildren, babysitting, gifting, etc., with pursuing my new interests, and spending quality time with my husband. One daughter happens to understand this and we spend time together on a person-to-person, adult-to-adult basis. Very precious time spent indeed!

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I was really interested to read the responses before I responded to you because I have strong feelings about this. I raised two beautiful children and they are both married now. I don't have any grandchildren yet, but am looking forward to their arrival. However, I would never and will never want to be as involved with them as my children and their spouses. I have been there, done that. I am in a different phase of my life now and enjoy the peace and quiet, and sometimes adventure that I never had the time to do when I was an active parent. I did try to babysit a friend's 4 year old boy a couple of months ago and practically went crazy. I just don't have the energy or desire to handle that anymore. In addition to that, I raised my children a certain way. If the child has not been disciplined and taught as I think children should be, I have a very hard time because the little I can teach them will not be reinforced when they go back to mom and dad. Don't be so hard on your mother. She obviously did a good job raising you and now you are carrying on the role of parent. Cut her some slack. She has her own life to live. Always let her know you are there for her and that, if and when she wants, she can have one of the children over. I too would say no if you suggested three children. I can give all my attention to one child and they will feel special. Perhaps, when she does show interest in seeing the grandchildren, you can rotate their visits to her. Not all grandmothers sit around the kitchen baking cookies and spoiling the grandchildren.

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By chance I came across your entry and have a couple of reactions (I am a great-grandmother of 5, grandmother of 23, mother/stepmother of 10, 2 of whom are my birth children).
1) Did your mother initiate your move to be near her, or did you?
2) How old is she? What health? What do you do for HER? It sounds like you moved in for your own (dare I say it?) selfish reasons and are suffocating her.
I love my grandchildren very much, but my parenting style is very authoritarian and quite different from any of my children who still have small kids. Current parenting seems to involve much tantrum throwing and hyperactivity and many new taboos. Also, although I still work part time play golf, and am very active mentally, I have reduced energy from when I was in my 30s and 40s and reduced flexibility and strength to pick up babies and toddlers. And I am VERY tired when I get home from work! When I am with my grandchildren, I want one of their parents there too, to do the diapering and picking up of toddlers; a 7 year-old who is civil is just beginning to be fun for me.
And how about doing some things just for her once in a while, too ( a birthday party for HER; some quality time with her kids where she not viewed as a babysitter or someting that's good for the grandchildren --with emphasis on the THING-- as opposed to an interesting visitor who has something to say and likes adult conversation!)
Don't feel bad--I'm not getting much of that from any of my children or their children who have children either, but it would be nice...
But maybe you should think about stepping back and quit using your parents for a babysitter, purse, and something that's good for you and your kids, and start giving back and making your M. feel interesting and important for herself.

Hi R.,

My name is H.. I am 35 with 2 babies under 2!! A few years ago my mother married well and moved to OR. Her husband owns a good business and has a ton of $$$$. My mother does not work and does not have hobbies.

When my Daughter was born she came down that weekend. Then only came to visit once during the next year. She has a 9 hour drive to our house and this was her first and only Grandchild at the time.

My son was born 14 months later.... she did not call, did not come to visit.

She divorced the husband, moved 30 miles from me with the "all I have is you and the kids" drama and it took her 7 days to drive and come and see her grand children... this was the first time she saw my son and he was 5 months old.

So I was crushed. It has not gotten any better. Oh she spends money on them but can't come and visit. When I confronted her she went off and told me I only think of myself and that she had a lot going on and if I was that upset at her I should "have a nice life with my kids". Then of course called and said she was sorry.

Now... she has remarried the same husband... he has moved down here and she still lives 30 miles away.

These are her ONLY grand children. So here is how I am dealing with this. First my expectations about Grandparents are mine... and not how she sees herself. I no longer make big efforts to make plans with her and I limit phone calls to once a week and keep conversation light. I look to friends and other family for the close bond.

I also don't complain to my Sister anymore as they are very close and always have been and I am sick of my sister calling my mom and telling her to call me because my feelings are hurt.

Why grandparents treat kids different I will never know but it does hurt the kids. While your daughter might miss out on a few gifts/movies that is nothing compared to the heart break your other children will feel when they are older and left out. So good for you for standing up for your children.

My mother allowed her Aunt to take my younger sister for weekend sleep overs and I was "not welcome" as they liked my 8 year old sister but at 12 they didn't want to deal with me. To this day I can't believe my mother let that happen and I was very hurt.

Your relationship with your Husband is most important and only he can really deal with this issue with his Mother as anything you say will be held against you FOREVER.

If your husband is not bothered by the lack of contact or willing to say anything....maybe that is telling of how his relationship has always been with her. People are seldom honest about these things, even with themselves as it is painful. Maybe his relationship with his mother is telling of how she views children.

This is not personal so somehow you have to let your heartache go and just wave goodmorning and be on your way too.

I don't know if that helps at all, but really some people just do not want to spend time with children, even thier own. I have come to this fact about my own Mother. I thought my children would bring us closer together but she is just as awkward around them as she was around me for most of my life.

You are a wonderful Mother, teach your children to have compassion but also teach them boundries and don't let your M-I-L crush their little spirits either. "Grandma is busy but loves us". How you see family is probably one of the many things that made your husband fall in love with you in the first place.

Ask God to soften her heart and give you strength to deal with her:)

Hope this helps,
H.

R.,
You might back off. She seems like a nice person. How old is she?
She may be having her OWN health issues (hearing loss, arthritis,something that she doesn't want to discuss with anyone, etc.), or she may be feeling isolated or even USED or may be feeling OVERWHELMED !
Small children are a big responsibility and she may not want to spend time with the younger ones because (to her) they cry too much, are too rambuncous, or whatever.
Remember, even though you remember your own Parents doting on your family YOUR MOM is alot older, NOW! Their level for patience has changed. Their health is more easily compromised (and they don't want to burden you with the details). They tire much more easily!
There are probably alot of things that she is going through, that she wants to keep to herself (may be even losing a friend?).
Remember, even though YOU feel that your Mom is the best sitter for your children she may feel put upon!
She sounds like she has a life, too!
She works, has friends, goes to do her own thing...
Think about things you and your children might do FOR HER!
Just some thoughts and ideas.
Think about it, and take care of HER, YOU and YOUR FAMILY!
W.

R., I agree with some of the responses. What were you thinking by moving right across the street? I can understand that there are good schools in that district, but wasn't there a house for sale a few streets over? My mother is deceased, and I find it most sad because she was the grandmother that everyone wanted. However, she hated it when grandkids would get dumped (by my step sister) on her every weekend. When they get to that age, they want to enjoy life on their terms. I guess what I want to say, is respect your mother. Respect her wishes. When she is in the mood to see her grandkids, she will. After all, she has options. You don't. They more you try to make anyone do something, the more they resist. I know that you wanted your children to have a great relationship with your mom, and maybe one day they will when she is ready.

You will NEVER change her - accept her as she is and stop expecting more. Maybe keep a chart, and every 2 times she spends with your daughter, have her spend time with all the kids? Don't torture yourself - look for other friendships.

Hi R.
There are some questions that you need to consider. Did you ask your mother if she wanted you to move so close? Maybe you infringe on her privacy? Maybe, she feels that if she gets close to the kids, that she might become the eternal babysitter or feel obligated to you and your family. Maybe, she feels you want her to help raise your kids, and she does not want to because she has raised her own. I am hearing several stories of grandmothers not wanting to be actively apart of their grandchildren. Yes, they love them and send them gifts but it stops there. A lot do not want to spend time with their grandchildren such as going to watch them perform at a concert, game or taking them places. And sadly, taking time to teach the grandchildren the family history. Unfortunately, your mother may get sick and it may be when she will need her grandchildren and will they respond to her the way she has responded to them over the years. Then we want to talk about how selfish the grandchildren are, when they are only responding the way they have been taught by their elders.
Pray that God, will open your mother eyes and heart for her family. Having an extended family is truly a blessing.

S. C.

R.,
I feel really bad about your situation. I live a mile away from my parents, and I am there everyday. They watch my son while I'm at work. So I can understand how frustrating this must be. I have a friend who's mother is the same way. I think that your mother doesn't know how to tell you what is bothering her. She sounds like a private person, and maybe feels overwhelmed because you live right across the street, and she knows that you expect things from her, things that maybe she can't do for you. She's not interested in babysitting, so I wouldn't ask her. Maybe you shouldn't ask her to do anything under your terms. Just let her do what she wants, when and how she wants to. Parents don't like it when their children tell them what to do, at least mine don't. Maybe she's going through something, and just needs some of her own free time? If she's not retired, she may be very tired after a stressful day of work. I would just stop expecting things and try to accept what she is willing to give you. That might make you feel better, as hard as it may be.

My mom had a special relantionship with my son, although she also did things with my daughter, I did not mind, maybe your mom is trying to stay out of your business, and wants you to stay out of hers. Sounds like you are being a bit controling.. Mom wants to keep the peace you live across the street, your suggesting activies, hummm if she is tired from work, taking care of herself, trying to apease other family members,take care of her own home, cook clean, all of the things by her slef, and your whinning she doesn't pay attention to your family enough. Not once did I hear you say I help her out by cleaning her house, maybe running to the store for her, so she can free up some time to spend with her grandkids and enjoy it. You can't fix her, might be you should work on you a bit. Maybe when she retires, has a cook, a maid, then she can relax and be the grandma,I don't blame her for being tired, of all the complaining.

Sorry for being harsh, but somebody had to say it. I side with the mom on this one

Maybe she thinks that now that you live so close to her you will use her to watch the kids all the time. Some people tend to do that with their parents, they dump the kids on them so they could go out. Maybe she thinks that if she acknowledges you guys when you are out in the yard you will go across the street and hang out. Talk to her about that, tell her you don't want to use her as a babysitter, you just want your kids to see her and spend time with her. If she doesn't want to then you cannot force her. Explain to your kids that Grandma has a lot of things to do and is busy most of the time so they don't think she does not like them. One other thing, why does so drop off gifts when your husband & kids are not around? Does she have issues with your husband?

Probably not what you want to hear, but I would lower your expectations...and let it go...get what you get from her and realize she's the one that's missing out. Sometimes, people just don't know or want to be what we want them to be. You've talked to her about it, it's gone nowhere...time to let it be.

Hi. I think that I would stop trying to "fix" things and just let them be the way grandma wants them to be. She might want to enjoy her free time and have her freedom. My mom lives 14 hours away from my family and visits maybe 3 times a year. When my mom and dad come they stay with us for a week or two and she spends time doing activities with my kids, but I know that by the time she leaves, she is kind of relieved because although she loves my kids, this is her time to be without kids around all the time. My mother-in-law spends time with my kids about 4 times a year. Sometimes just one child and usually just when we visit her or when she babysits. I leave it up to her. My advice is to not try and have her spend time with your kids in the way you want, but just let things happen naturally.

Dear R.,
First of all I want to say that you are an incredible mom! You also have a wonderful husband who also supported your decision to move next to your mother. Your mother's response to your sacrifice is disappointing. I can totally relate, especially when you said that this was not the way that she raised you. What has helped me is to try to see my mother as a person versus as my mother (which is hard to do). Your mom for some reason is choosing not to be a part of your family---a beautiful experience that is right in front of her. Perhaps she is depressed and it has been difficult for her to go through this stage in her life? She "used to" have a family of her own and now she is all alone. Now she gets to see what she used to have---right across the street and it is tough for her. Remember try to see her as a person. She did tell you what she can handle, one kid at a time. Perhaps she feels that she can't handle taking care of 3 kids all at once anymore--especially the little ones? Has she raised a son?Maybe she does not know how to deal with boys. Lastly, she may be going through feelings of jealousy. She may be envious of what she does not have anymore. All if this is so hard to hear because you all have been so welcoming. Your home is an open door to her, but she chooses not to go in. How sad---for her because she is missing out on some beautiful experiences. She does not know how to embrace being a grandmother and you have tried your best to help her. You have done your part, R.. And I would say that you continue to do so. When it is all said and done, you can say with a clean conscience that you did all that you could do on your end. Don't do anything that would make you, your husband, or children lose integrity. You have to approach your decisions with your head, even though your heart may get hurt. I would remind myself and the children---that grandma may not show up, but that is her choice. Since you know that you can't count on her to babysit, don't ask her to anymore....cause she will cancel on you. Try as best as you can to separate your feelings in order to not get hurt every time she does something to disappoint you. Your children will see your reaction and then feel the same way. I know that this is easier said than done. Remember to think of her as a person, who can't seem to embrace grandmother-hood. And this is sad...for her because she will miss out. And your children will miss out----but if you tell them that than they will really get hurt. Try your best to protect your children's feelings. I would focus on what you do have---a wonderful family of your own that you have created. One day you will be blessed to be a grandmother yourself and you will approach it differently---with open arms.
PS---All of this I wrote was also a deep reminder for myself.

There are some things that you are not considering in you endeavor to create a closeness between your children and their grandmother. I will try to point them out without sounding insulting (just know that even if they do seem insulting they are still valid points that need to be considered).
I think your mother may resent your moving across the street from her. She might also put a lot of the blame on your husband because she doesn't want to believe that you would have thought that it was a good idea in the first place. She may have raised you with the idea that family always comes first, but her role in the family has changed. She is no longer the responsible party for you and your sister. You are an adult with your own children. Now is her time to discover who and what she wants out of this part of her life and you have in essence obligated her to stay in her past role as family matriarch.
Your mother might spend more time with the girls because that is what she has had practice raising for all those years. She might feel like she and your son have very little in common and therefore he might enjoy being somewhere else instead of with her. Keep in mind also that it is not fair to ask your your mother to babysit 3 children (two of whom would need constant supervision) at any time before the turn 4 or 5 years old. Grandparents have an inherent right to refuse to babysit after they have raise all of there own. Find a steady babysitter and pay them well so there will not be any problems in the future.
As far as waving and saying Hi every time she sees you or your family outside in the morning, step back and think of her as any other neighbor. Do you say Hi to every neighbor every time you see them? Do you truly expect your mother to always acknowledge that she is being watched? She might feel like you are trying to invade her private life instead of trying to create a lasting bond.
I know these things might be hard to consider but every problem stems from a misunderstanding and you might see a real difference in this problem if you take in all the contributing factors.

H. Stanley

hi R., ny name is N. i have a 16 & 13 yr old girls, i sued live with my m-i-l in the beg. it wasnt that bad but through the years she has changed i thought it was me or the girls, but it is not trust me nothing to do with that. now, we can comunicate 100% and she tells me that she has alot of regrets and she becomes depressed and she doesnt want to bother me, so i let her know that she is no bother and she is not the problem or problems. some people ( older) become like kids, they change just be patient, keep trying it will be hard but you will be fine!!

Was she easier going before you moved in across the street? Maybe she feels pressured to be a 'grandma' for things like babysitting, etc. Who knows, maybe she really just doesn't have the grandma gene.

I'm not sure quite what to tell you except to give her some space. It's really hard living really close to family let alone right across the street... I was ready for you to write about marital problems because of inlaws... But either way families need their space. Living in the same city is ok, but talk about pressure living across the street. Grandparents are wonderful to have around, but even for the grandparent it can be too much and too overwhelming. I'm guessing she doesn't want to cause any problems and give you and your family your own life and space. She loves the granchildren and I'm sure your husband to, but the fact is she has a life to outside of you and your family. I'm sure she appreciates how much you try to have her in your life and the kids. I don't think it's about not being "grandmotherly type" Having to be one a daily basis is probably hard for her. If I were you I'd ask her how she feels about just having a few hours one day a week rotating the grankids...maybe every two weeks. Your 7 year old can maybe help her with projects around the house. And maybe a family activity once a month. How old is she? I know my grandmother had a lot more energy with me and loved it but now gets burned out pretty quickly with the other young granchildren. From what it sounds like, your expecting too much from her by living across the street and honestly if you had asked anyone on here before you moved acrose the street before you did, I would have said NO WAY! Parents and Children when grown need to have some seperation and space for a healthy relationship. But maybe as the kids get older it will get better. Just give her some time and try not to take it personal. Best wishes and good luck.

Are you sure we don't have the same MIL? OMG! I have been through this so many times but I am very lucky that I do not live close to her. I would never do that to myself. My MIL loves men and has to date all the time so we never see her. She has a boyfriend now and it's all about her Bo. I used to get so frustrated and so did my husband because she wouldn't sit te kids or come down to see them more often but I have learned to let it go. I never ask her to sit anymore and I do not aks her to come see the kids. When I would she would think that I was out for something. It is a really silly game that she plays. We also get the line "I don't want to interfer". But what not ask if you can come see the kids? I think hell would freeze over before my MIL would ask to come see the kids and spend time with them.

Good Luck,
D.

I once heard a grandmother say that being a grandmother is wonderful because, when you've had enough, you get to send them back home to their parents. It sounds like your mom might feel like she's lost that luxury? Even if she's not "there", she's still there all the time. Maybe she feels like she's lost her privacy and control, and the rights to it? Perhaps she feels like all time spent w/her grandkids is controlled by you instead of her? Maybe it would be good for you to back off for a while (not the grandkids, just you), give her space, and see how she responds.

I could be way off base, but that sounds like what it might be with the info you gave.

Good luck mama.
M.

My Grandmother (dads side)use to by christmas gifts for the two oldest kids only. I was the 3rd out of 6, This was really hurtful that she couldn't remember me. Then My Dad's youngest brother got married and they moved to the next town over from Grandma, when they had kids she spent christmas with them and gave all the kids toys they had asked for. I know because they bragged about it. (See what Grandma got me). All my mom could say was (see how you can hurt other peoples feelings by picking and choosing favorites just don't grow up to be like that). My Mom is great. She always remembers Birthday's and every Holiday, and she lives in another state. My Husbands mother is totally diffrent. She has never watched our kids. My hubby asked her once to watch them while we went on a cruz, she said; yes yes yes. I'd love too. But within 2 months had decided to go out of town herself and that was to bad, she wasn't changing her plans. She only remembers Birthday's if you sent her an invite to the party, but couldn't tell you what day it's on. And she only lives 40 minutes away.

Now for you, your kids will survive. I think that the only thing you can tell your kids is remember how this makes you feel and change the future (don't be this way to the ones you love). And if she chooses to be this way it is really her loss.

You can't change her, you can only change yourself. Take what you can get. One day she'll want everyone around and someone to visit her, your kids will have their own lives by then, and the shoe will be on the other foot. (Because Grandma didn't spend time with me should I have to make time for Grandma ?)Hopefully you have all grown up to become better people then Grandma. Maybe she'll see it and maybe she won't. That's her problem not yours. You have done the best you could. Good Luck! JP

It's a good thing that she won't gossip with you. Let it go. She'll do what she can. She is her own person. She is not obligated to be anything but polite. I wish my MIL would keep her noise out of our business. If she has "retired" take what she can offer. If she is not reliable don't use her.
HAve you ever watched a sunset? She is in the sunset phase of her life. You know quickly the last bit of light goes down. it falls. Cherish the little time you have left because when she's gone there will be nothing left but pain. If she relates to your daughters, you should honor that. Allow her to teach them something.
She was probably hoping you'd move closer and help her out a little more. Instead, she might feel saddled with more responsibilities. Whatever you decide....good luck.

Hi R.,
I see there are a few poeple letting you know that it just works out that way sometimes.

When I miscarried with my second baby (first baby in this marriage) my MIL did not call or acknowledge a thing. When I said something, she said some bit about oh you didn't need me bothering you.

Then when I was preg again, she was rude, visits very infrequently and mentioned to my husband that boys are more fun...our child is a girl.

I fight with her every time we are together or almost every time we speak.

We used to get along great before the pregnancy, but for some reason it has all fallen apart. I try not to let it bother me and just keep my visits short and sweet. My husband knows, when I say it is time to go, it is time to go. Not to disrespect him, but better to leave before a major fight takes place. You can always appologize for the things you say, but frankly they are not forgotten. I have made it very clear anytime he feels he needs to spend more time with her, he is welcome to go without me, but asked that he please understand that our (MIL and me)relationship is no longer there.

So, I am glad you are understanding of your hubbies feelings, but there is nothing you can do. You both live there, so just give her the space she seems to want.

Best of luck.
C.

You don't mention whether you had a frank discussion with your mother and received her approval prior to moving your family into the home across the street from hers.

I am a grandmother who has excellent relationships with my married daughter, her husband and their two daughters, who are the lights of my life. They live nearby, but in all honesty, I would not welcome them living in such close proximity as across the street. As much as I adore my family, I also have a life of my own with obligations and interests. Upon occasion, they have mentioned that they'd like to live closer, but I've been completely honest with them - "I love you, but I need my space" which they understand. They laugh and confess that the desire to live closer is motivated by self-interest. I suspect that your mother feels somewhat invaded. I also suspect she feels that if she makes friendly overtures they will be construed as putting out the welcome mat while she's trying to hang on to her privacy. She may feel that if she gives an inch you'll take a mile. Keep in mind that your mother is an individual human being first and foremost. You mention that when you were growing up, your mother put family first. She's done her child-rearing duties, is still working, and I imagine is trying to find some time for herself to pursue her own goals an intersts - something that usually takes a backseat or falls entirely by the wayside when one is raising children. You perceive your mother as being uncaring while I perceive her as a woman whose space was invaded, she resents it, and is struggling to maintain a life of her own. Do you owe your mother an apology? An open, honest discussion is in order.

I moved a mile away from my parents when my first son was born and at first we saw my parents all the time and now 3 years later I feel the same way. Its like she is hiding out over there. She hates to be asked to babysit, she only wants my boys when she is in the mood.
I really think parents like the empty nest and like that they are living their own life now. I know it seems sad but I think it's true. I have spoken to a few of my friends who say the same thing. I have just moved on and pretend we don't live by her and now she has been calling me more.
Hope this helped.

She really might not want to spend time with them right now. Maybe she is just wants some alone time with herself. That can be hard to understan but some people rather associate with family at a distance.
hope that helps

okay I am 57 and a mother of two children - neither have blessed me with a grandchild yet. I personally loved raising them, I was creative and we had an amazing time as they grew up. Now the possibility of being a grandmother one day is something I would LOVE - but not every day!
They are raised very differently today than we were and the way our parents raised us. Most kids are so rambuncious it is so exhausting to someone older. You have the energy - she maybe doesn't. I can understand why she would want to see them separately cos they are very different ages with different needs and all 3 probably stretches her too thin trying to *entertain* them all. She would maybe rather bow out than get upset with them. Are they well behaved? Does she EVER get the chance to really miss them? Because they are so close, she probably doesn't. When she babysits, do you pay her for her time or is it expected? Could she be feeling *taken advantage of*. It *appears* she is NOT keen on your husband. if that is so, she could at least be polite and say hello and not make him feel like chopped liver. Clear communication is key but it doesn't help if she isn't being totally honest with you. Experiment a little, talk it out with her and try to come up with a plan where she can commit to spending time with them. She doesn't have the competition of other grandparents - does she feel overwhelmed that its always down to her to be their *everything* cos she is the only grandma?
I wish you luck with this.

Some grandparents enjoy their grandkids more when they see them less. It sounds wierd, but we've found it to be true. She may be worried that she's losing her independance or that she'll be taken advantage of, because she lives so close. Maybe she secretly fears that you moved there because you're afraid that she shouldn't live on her own, or because you wanted her to be almost a nanny. If you back WAY off, and only expect her to interact with your family on rare, scheduled events, she might feel better.

She might also just be overwhelmed by kids, and used to enjoying quiet adult time. She doesn't want to feel that she has a house full of kids to contend with, like she did when her kids were young. She just wants to enjoy herself in order and quiet. That's OK, and doesn't mean she doesn't love all of you! Make sure you giver her space when she wants it.

She obviously feels pushed for some reason when you suggest activities or expect her to do things, even simple things like saying "hi." She's digging in her heels to make sure that you aren't influencing her decisions or interactions. Don't take it personally!! It's not directed at you or your family, it's a reflection of how she feels about herself. Stop expecting her to do anything at all, even saying hello. Then she may decide to reach out a bit more. Always let it be her decision as to when and how she sees you. Let her know that she doesn't need to call, she can just come over, and she might.

As for favoring your daughter, she sounds like a woman who truly, deeply feels that only females can be close to females. She expects the boys to bond with their dad, but feels that she has something to offer a granddaughter. She might honestly be unable to imagine being close to her son in law and grandsons, just because they're male. She probably feels pushed away and unhappy that you didn't like her spending time with your daughter. Explain to all your men that she loves them, she just wants female bonding time, and let her have a bit of "girly time" with your daughter without making her feel guilty about it.

Remember, she does love all of you!!! She just wants to feel that she has a bit of control. Hang in there and love her back on her own terms.

You might not like to hear this but it probally what is going on and your Mom doesn't have the heart to say it.
Your mom has already raised her kids and doesn't feel the need to raise yours.While moving across the street from her was a good idea you thought. Did she think it was too? I find that my children think that my time in un-important, but their's is. They need their " quality time" and expect us to be there to watch the kids. A 7, 3 and 4 month old are alot of work. And I am sure once in awhile is fine.
If you have other brothers and sisters, they want her to watch their kids too.
Its hard to be fair. Ask her what would be a reasonable amount of time for her to baby sit your kids?
Maybe one weekend a month. My mother gave me one weekend a year, and that was it. And she was the best Grandma ever. I just respected that she had raised 5 kids and was kinda sick of us .. ha ha ha
Its not that your mother doesn't love you or her grandchildren, she might be feeling a little " used" or taken for granted. Back away from the situtation and tell your mom you appreciate her. It is always fixable. Love is Grand.
N.

Since I am a 54 yeat old grandmother, all I can tell you is take whatever time you can with your mother. You can't always get what you want and maybe she knows her limitations with patience with children. She may change her feelings as your children get older. Time is the best test of patience on your part.

I believe you mother is done raising children. She doesn't have the visiting on her terms. You moved across from her. Maybe she wants some time to herself. I'm sure she loves all of you, but maybe she's feeling pressured so it's easier just to avoid it all.

Dear R.,
I know that it is very painful to feel that your children are being rejected. Explain to your children that you don't quite know what's going on with grandma as best you can. Maybe your mom went through pyschological changes during menopause. I am one of those grandmas that has the grandma gene to the upteenth level and I can also feel sorry for your mom because somehow within her own troubles she isn't valuing this special time with her grandchildren.

Some grandparents are better in small doses. It's nothing bad about them, but they're older and can only handle so much time w/active kids. My parents are good w/my kids during visits, etc. But when it comes to spending alot of time w/the kids they back out, etc too from being so overwhelmed at how much energy 2 kids have. Maybe your mom feels like she's lost her personal space in a way b/c she cannot escape and just be herself since you're right across the street. Plus, I think some parents get stranger as they get older. Once they get into their own rhythm of not having kids around it's hard to get used to having them around everyday, etc. I think some grandparents get kind of worn out from the whole kid thing and it's a reminder of how they have less energy than they did when they were younger.

My mom also claimed to value family, etc, but it was a different tune once my two kids and I saw them on a daily basis. She got really cranky and snappy w/the kids.

I dont' know if that helps much, but remember people change over time and get used to their own comfort zone.

Good luck,
M.

Hey R.,

I'm sorry to say but like your friends I agree some people don't have the grandparent gene. what sucks is that they don't know what they are missing. I have in-laws that are the same way. My daughter is their first grandbaby and the day after she was born and before they got to see her they went on vacation to Las Vegas. That is just the beginning of a lot of little things, they too back don't like spending time with my daughter. They say they are coming to see her and don't come. Right now I'm letting it slide because it doesn't affect my daughter but the moment they hurt her feelings it over. The worse part about it is my husband's feelings are hurt, they're his parents. He see how much my mom dies to spend time with her and that his parent could care less. Just remind your mom that these are her grandbabies and that they love her very much and want to spend time with her and that it hurts your feelings that she doesn't come around more often. Remind her that "family comes first." and if she doesn't take her own advice, you shold...put your kids and your husband first and when you have grandbabies be the best grandma they will ever have.
Good luck

Hi R.,
First of all, I can appreciate your intention to help your kids have access to relatives, and the idea that you love your mom and want her around.
The piece that seems to be standing out for me however is factoring in your mother's wants, needs, and comfort level. A lot of the things that you expressed, while sounding in alignment with creating family, also contained a lot of expectations, or "shoulds".
Your idea of what a grandmother should do or should WANT to do, may not match what your mother is up for right now.
Quite honestly, my sense is that the expectations might scare her, and since she can't live up to what you're wanting, then she needs to pull back entirely. It feels like it's a bit all or nothing, at least in her mind.
Judgment can play a huge role in how we treat others, and in how they respond to us. If your mother is feeling judged by you, then it may be creating separation. It may be difficult for her to not live up to your expectations of "grandmother."
One suggestion might be to talk to her about the level of participation that she is comfortable with. That is one area that it doesn't sound like has been explored between you. Just because she raised children at one time does not mean that she is comfortable being responsible for a bunch of them at once, or that she remembers how to handle things, or that she has the energy to do it again. My mother raised 5 kids, but when my son was 2-3, she was totally nervous about how she would handle a tantrum if he had one with her.

My question here is: What are her needs for this relationship?
How private is your mom? Perhaps she doesn't want to strike up conversation each time someone sees her outside. Perhaps some boundaries could be established that would give her some piece of mind about her privacy, and getting to engage when she is up for it. If she knows that more won't be expected of her other than "hi there", then maybe she's be more willing to dip her toe in the water. If she is afraid of what that would lead to ("hey grandma, what are you doing, where are you going? want to come over? can we come over?")then she might just stay away all together to avoid that situation (and potentially disappointing everyone because she's not acting like a grandma).
As I reflect on my own experiences with neighbors, I can think of times in the past where I waited to go outside for the paper because a particular neighbor was out who would ask too many questions, that I didn't feel like talking about. I have a right to get my paper without having to explain what I'm doing today, where I'm going, what time I woke up, etc. Plus, sometimes I'm just not in a space to have conversation at all.

To recap here, I wonder about your mom's need for privacy and her own space. Are there some boundaries that would help to respect her needs? Example: Perhaps when saying "hello" outside, to make an effort to only make expressions to her, and not ask questions - ie: as opposed to "Hi grandma. Where are you off to today?", try "Hi grandma, I love you, have a great day. Bye."
I also feel that it could be valuable to find out what her comfort level is with interaction and participation. Besides the value of honoring her needs, it might also uncover some fears that she might have regarding the care of three children (including a couple of very young ones).
Personally, I would spend time examining where I had been judging her, or making her wrong for how she grandmas, and what shoulds or expectations I had placed on her (based on what I think a grandmother should be, rather than honoring how she does it).
So the "fix" I would say really revolves around honoring mom's needs and comfort level, loving her, and accepting her as the person that she is. I think that in the acceptance part, that it would give her the freedom to be who she is, to be happier, and who knows what unexpected treasures may surface from getting to experience her in her authenticity, contributing from what is real for her.

One other though just popped into my head: How about making her time with kids happen when you are also around? That might take some of the pressure off for her. How about everyone taking an evening walk together? It's simple, and has a clear beginning and end. It might be a lot for grandma to have the kids alone. Bottom line again, is to find out what she wants.

I know this will all work out just fine. You're a loving woman and with that as your base, you'll be just fine.
All the best,
M.

I think that your mother in law needs a break. Try to limit the times that your kids have contact with her. It sounds like she was probably excited when you moved in, but then quickly realized that she felt crowded. As time has gone by she is moving away from all of you. Make sure that your husband visits her often and lets her know how everything is going, but keep your kids at home for a while. I go to my mom's house every week for a few days because of my husbands work schedule. I have noticed that if we don't go she is calling me up to ask when I am coming back. However, when I go every week, after the first week she spends less time time with my kids and her and I just get on each others nerves. I actually go there for the help, and it ends up being me by myself with my kids. So I give her a few weeks off to appreciate us again. My girlfriends mom was really awesome with her kids, until they moved in.... She became more distant and 6 months later after they moved out, she is not spending any time with her grandkids. It was too much for her. She even tells her daughter that she'll watch them if she brings them to her. There is just no desire left for her to appreciate them right now. She needs space. I was watching Oprah with my mom the other day and she said something about women in their 50's feeling like they wanted "me time". My mom was quick to respond that that is exactly how she felt. Try giving your mother in law her "me time" and see if that makes a difference. Make sure that everyone continues to let her know how much she is loved.

Hi R., sounds like your mother may be going through some personal issues that she feels she wants to handle on her own. Sometimes the best way is to just back off and let her come to you. You seem to have a full life with a great man and kids. Enjoy them and don't put so much emphasis on how involved your mom is in you and your children's lives. Keep her informed of what's happening and the different events that are going on with your kids and family and then end it with, "Let me know if you want to come along." Ask her if she wants to watch the kids and if she won't commit, hire a babysitter. She'll come around and you'll all be happier in the long run. Hope this helps.
R.

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Let me start by saying this is not the worst it can get when it comes to Mother-in-law problems. Second, I have learned through experience not to expect anything out of anybody, even your mother. I know that might sound harsh but it is the truth. I put my mother in a rehab summer of 2006 and when she didn't stay in I didn't speak to her for almost a year. During my 3rd pregnancy I contacted her and realized that her relationship with my kids was more important than any feelings or issues I had with her since I knew her problems did not effect my children since she has seemed to have dealt with her problem with prescription drugs. So now I have found a balance and so can you. Try not to expect anything from your mom but DO let her know how you feel but how she handles it is her decision and life must go on. Eventually if you feel it is affecting your children’s happiness you might need to relocate. Hope this helps! I wish all moms were as family orientated as you!

Dear R.- I feel so badly for you. What a sad problem! Unfortunately, I think your friends are correct- some people just aren't into "grandparenting." My inlaws are the same. For us the sad thing is they live very near to us and my parents, who would love to be totally involved in my kid's lives, live far away. I think you have done all you can do. I think you just have to adjust to the fact that this is the way life is going to be. Good luck! Ginny

I think you have the situation flip=flopped. You do not have mother problems. Your mother has daughter problems. You had a lot of expectations when you moved close to your mom, and since your expectations are not being met, your feelings are hurt. That is completely unfair. Whether it is hard for you to accept or not, it is true! All grandmothers are not created equal. You invaded her space by moving so close, and expected her to turn into Grandma of the Year. The problem is yours. Deal with reality, accept your mom for who she is, stop being hurt, and start treating your mom like any other neighbor.

I think maybe your mom feels her privacy is being threatened so I would let her make the next move to communicate. Could she be having health problems? When did she have her last checkup? Or..sit down with her and tell her how you feel. If nothing else, you can get this off your chest but do so in a way that "leaves the door open" and that doesn't make her feel she is the bad person. Good luck.

Aloha R.-

I agree with Heather and Nina. Your mother raised her family and now it's your turn. You shouldn't expect her to conform to your standard of "family". I would not expect more from her than she is willing to give. She is probably trying to make a life for herself after her birds have left the nest. My mother didn't see my first son until he was 8 mos old, they have never done things together, but they love each other. My mother is so active, she wouldn't have the time to babysit and I wouldn't expect her to. Since your mother lives across the street, your children will see her and know she's there and maybe that is enough.

Good luck.
C.

R.,

Did you surprise your mom with the decision to move across the street from her or did you discuss your thoughts with her before the move? Maybe she's feeling a bit crowded and resents it. You said she was the only grandparent --did she want to date and having you across the street has made that difficult? I don't quite buy the grandmother gene thing, either, but participation in grandparenting runs across a broad spectrum. Some grandmothers want to be involved in everything and others want to participate according to their terms, even though they love their grandchildren very much. The fact she works probably does change the equation: She may NOT have the energy to be involved as much as you'd like, and figures your living across the street implies she should be. I keep coming back to the possibility she resents you being there and have to wonder if you had her buy-in to begin with.

I'm a grandmother of seven children, and am currently babysitting three of them while my daughter and her husband are out of town. Personally, I would LOVE to live across the street from any of my children and grandchildren, but I know a lot of grandparents who think of this time in their lives as a time to do other things, to meet new people, to date (if they're single) --and to have someone spend the night from time to time, and they want to see their grandchildren more "by appointment" than by walking out their front doors. It's not the way I want it --in fact, I'm sad that all of my grandchildren live out of state. But it makes our visits very sweet and quite special and I could never feel imposed upon (even if that's not what you intended) or guilty if I weren't in the mood to have dinner or babysit.

Another question: Did your move make your mom think you were moving to check on her or keep an eye on her as she got older? Was your move based on what was best for your children or did you have a concern that she needed you close by, too? Did this get discussed?

The other thing that caught my attention is that you said you had m-i-l problems. You don't --you have a problem with your mom. If you think this is a m-i-l problem, your husband might want to address it.

Good luck. I know you have a huge heart and want the best for everyone. Better communication is essential, and I hope your mom is willing to really talk about this as honestly as possible.

C.

It seems like you have gotten lots of good responses. It must be hard for you to have moved so close to your mom and now you are not feeling as though she appreciates what you have done. Also it seems that you had some expectations about being so close that are now not being met. I think you have to realize that unless you discussed this with your mother before you moved, she may not have wanted to be right across the street from you, for any of the reasons the other replies have mentioned, or maybe she thought she would like it more than she does. Perhaps she didn't think she would become the designated babysitter all of a sudden (my mom thinks that I consider her my "maid" if she is carrying my daughter and we are going to get in the car and I don't come put my daughter in her carseat myself, something I found extremely surprising, so you just never know). I think if she can only handle one child at a time you should respect that, even if it is not what is easiest for you, because you may not realize it but she really may be tired and not have the energy or maybe she prefers the one-on-one interaction so she can get to know the kids individually. It also sounds from what what you said that maybe your mother and your husband have issues; is that true? Maybe you could address that, the three of you, in a non-threatening way. Whatever you do, do it with love and it will hopefully be well-received. Although it's sad your mom is seemingly disinterested in your family, she is still your mom and I think it would certainly be worth it to keep trying to make things work since your children will ideally benefit in the long run. Good luck to you and don't give up!

I think you need to drop all expectations of her. That would lift all stress/worry about this problem off you also. Take her off the hook. She is obviously avoiding you and your husband (perhaps she doesn't want to be asked to babysit?) Try to see things from her point of view... she is much older and very tired. Or like others have said here, she has other commitments. Whatever her reason, valid or not, they are her reasons and need to be respected. Taking care of children can be exhausting. I have a 7.5 yr old boy & 3.5 yr old girl and sometimes they fight so much, it's hard to deal with. And that's just 2 (not including a needy 4 month old.) Perhaps she only wants to be with the girls because they are "easier" and less active. I'm young (39) and I hire a sitter regularly (we have zero family around) so I can get breaks. I would never assume that I could depend on a grandparent for so much. Since family comes first, I would visit her with the children (if she lived nearby) but not just expect to drop them off so they could do things (i.e., free babysitting). Perhaps after she is off the hook (she won't need to feel like she has to retreat 100% to save herself) she might be more friendly. Or not. If she isn't, it's really her problem and you can't walk around carrying it. You have to let it go for your own sanity. I completely agree with Laura A and Rhonda R. Other people have said good things also. Find a regular babysitter you can depend on and stop asking her. Send her lots of loving vibes (instead of resentment) and mentally let her go. (Let all expectations/wishes of her go.) She might be picking up on the resentment (your bad, sad feelings) and if I were her, I might avoid you also (just to avoid the tension).

That's a really hard situation to deal with. I too have M-I-L problems, but not to your degree. I actually temporarily live with my M-I-L. She also works and has alot going on in her life. (dinners with friends, meetings, sewing...)She never spends quality time with my 10 month old. My daughter absolutly loves her. It is sad to see when she comes into the room she will say "hi" pick her up for a second and then put her down and walks away. She never plays with her. My daughter will go chasing after her, but when she finds her in the house, she will pick her up and bring her back into whatever room I am in. I hate that.
She also has 5 other grandchildren that live within 20 minutes of her and she spends no time with them either. I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, my M-I-L is a wonderful person, she is just into her own life and doesn't see it nesessary to spend that special time with her grandchildren. The reason I live with her is that my Father -in-law passed away a year ago, and we are helping her out with the household things and extra income for her. We will be leaving Aug. of 09. That is the the date she gave us to get out.... Believe me, it can't come any sooner. I just feel bad because my daughter will miss her terribly. I know she won't see her very often unless we make an effort to come over at her convience.
It sounds like you have done absolutly everything in your power to "fix" this problem. Obviously she doesn't think there is anything to fix. My parents live in Florida, but I am fortunate that they come out every 3-4 to see their 2 grandchildren. They will be moving back in a few years to be closer. Like people have said it to you before, some people just don't have the grandmother gene. It's sooo sad, but it is what it is. Thankfully you have a wonderful family on your side and you just need to embrace that. Like I have to.
Good luck!

I agree with Carol. I was very surprised when my mom did not seem interested in my kids- she was the best mom in the world but she said "Hey I am done raising my kids now it is your turn." I rarely used her to babysit(she said no alot or let me know it bothered her). So I just let it go. My mother-in-law who had 6 kids would help all the time and she watched my neice everyday while her mom worked even though she(my mother-in-law) worked 3 hrs a day herself.
She may have felt bombarded when you moved across the street, do you remember her reaction? I would just pull back and let her come to you. She may ask why you are so distant and then you can tell her, you could tell she was getting overwhelmed and needed space. If she doesn't ask, then nothing would have changed anyway. It is strange she won't say hi, maybe she's afraid that will be a reason to ask her to do something for you. Don't even ask her to watch your kids for a while- now that my mom and dad are older (83) they don't mind helping as much.

Hi R.!

I can sympathize that you're not able to see eye to eye about this, is your mother just not listening to you? I think it's important for her to know that she has hurt your husband's feelings with her actions and attitude. This is not fair to him or your family!

My situation was totally different than yours, my m-i-l got overly involved and even moved in here for awhile, and it was not my cup of tea. I'd have rather she had her own life and minded her own business rather than try to butt in about my kids and give her two cents about my marriage, among other things.

I do remember having told most members of the extended family that everybody was to be treated the same, nobody is to be left out or excluded purposely, and I meant it. I never see any justification for any 'preference' among children, it is not fair and the kids will see it sooner or later.

Hi R.,
I'm sorry if this is a repeat answer but is there any type of psychological or physical problems that you may not know about? Perhaps this is afffecting her attitude. ONly a suggestion. I wish you the best of luck.

hi R.-
it sounds like you and your mom have different expectations of your relationship and the relationship she has with the kids-- if you set yourself up to think things are going to be a certain way you are setting yourself up for disappointment. i had to realize that my inlaws, who live closer than my own parents really just want to be "paper grandparents" all the bragging rights, none of the hands on time..... once we came to terms with this, things started going much better. my mom actually travels from out of state to help when my daughter is out of school instead of my mother in law who lives near by!! crazy, but oh well, her loss, and you know your kids will know it's her not you!