Lying Tweeners and Teenagers

Updated on March 11, 2011
D.S. asks from Kings Mountain, NC
6 answers

I have a 12 and 13 year old stealing everything they can get their hands on from me. They stole the laptop at night and creating facebook accounts and where using them inappropriately - we since of course have password protected everything (usually do, but changed it for a report they were doing and forgot to change it back). Now, my 12 year old just stole an old phone of my husbands and somehow got someone to give him an activate SIM card and is texting and calling his friends on this unknown account. I just found out before he went to school and don't have the specifics. I didn't even know you could do that! They steal everything from portable DVD players, SD cards, tools, food, candy and 'R' rated movies from our room. I feel like we have to lock everything to the ground. I don't want to have to lock my door every time I leave my room, but at this point it is getting ridiculous! They lie about EVERYTHING! Even when caught in a bold face lie they still deny it. The therapist says to provide consequences either way if you aren't sure. She even told us to count to 5 to give them a chance to recant - because the boys say it is automatic. Well, not even those things are working. I feel like they are constantly doing things behind my back and I am 15 steps behind them. Please any creative suggestions and help is appreciated.

Update: These two are grounded and have had everything taken from them - which is what is leading to the stealing. Also, why I am look for creative alternatives. One is grounded for grades and has a chance to earn back privileges on a weekly basis if he turns in all homework and get a 70% or better (hasn't chose to in 3 months). The other was grounded for the Facebook thing and acting out at school. We get a daily report and he earns privileges based on his report.

We had the DVD players because we bought them for them as a xmas gift and had to taken them away because of misuse. My son bought a IPOD touch for his birthday and I caught him resetting codes and on wifi when we agreed he wouldn't be on the internet with it. I sold it. So, I am not afraid to take things away or restrict. We have taken everything away from their rooms except bed and dresser - with many maintenance clean outs. My husband and I have very little free time with helping with homework and making dinner. We do watch movies and yes R rated in our room. We don't spend time a lot of time on the internet - the laptop was for them to do homework site required by the school online and for my husband to take to use for work daily.

Both do have therapist and psychiatrists we are working with.

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So What Happened?

Update: These two are grounded and have had everything taken from them - which is what is leading to the stealing. One is grounded for grades and has a chance to earn back privileges on a weekly basis if he turns in all homework and get a 70% or better. The other was grounded for the Facebook thing and acting out at school. We get a daily report and he earns privileges based on his report.

We had the DVD players because we bought them for them as a xmas gift and had to taken them away because of misuse. My son bought a IPOD touch for his birthday and I caught him resetting codes and on wifi when we agreed he wouldn't be on the internet with it. I sold it. So, I am not afraid to take things away or restrict. We have taken everything away from their rooms except bed and dresser - with many maintenance clean outs. My husband and I have very little free time with helping with homework and making dinner. We do watch movies and yes R rated in our room. We don't spend time a lot of time at home on the internet - the laptop was for them to do homework site required by the school online.

They are never home unattended. We have always staggered our schedules - I go in at 6 am and my husband is home until they go to school and I get off at 3 pm and I am home when they get home. They roam at night. I sleep therefore they roam.

And yes, there is a trauma. The 13 years old's mom is in rehab for the third time and is about to lose custody of his 1 year old sister. She has dropped out of his life and has been neglecting him since he was 6.

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M.F.

answers from Phoenix on

Since they're already in therapy, I'm wondering if this behavior is a symptom of a disorder you haven't specified and not just the main problem. Either way, I would see what their therapist thinks about removing all possessions from their rooms and keeping everything under lock and key in your room until they can show an understanding of boundaries. Items can be given out for use or play, but must be returned. Let them earn their own things back, but keep your possessions locked in your room. A simple key lock on your bedroom door should suffice. Not ideal, but it may be your only way. Good luck!

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R.M.

answers from Chicago on

Where on earth are you when this is all going on? I have a 13-year-old and I would know if she stole my laptop and was doing things with it. Is your house that big?

You need to be doing things with these kids and keeping them occupied. it sounds like they have way too much time on their hands and they are bored and acting out in bad ways.

You need to be in therapy as well it sounds like to me. A therapist would teach you how to stand firm, have fun with these kids and make consequences stick when they do wrong. It sounds like you're complaining about somebody's kids you have no control over. Take control.

And yes, lock stuff up. Get rid of bad stuff (candy, pop, movies, etc.) they can get their hands on. Do you have alcohol in the house? Get rid of it now if you do.

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J.S.

answers from Boston on

Wow D. I can say that I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation. Is it that the 13-year-old is acting out due to the recent antics of his birth mother and the 12-year-old (your bio child, right?) is there as a partner in crime? The nighttime thing would scare me to death, to be honest with you. It sounds like you're doing everything right during the day and then you can't even get a good night's sleep?

Definitely bring this to your therapist and see what she or he says. It sounds like you're going to have to physically lock up things for a while to prevent them from getting access. That makes you and your husband prisoners in your own home too, but maybe that's what's warranted at this point and it's a sacrifice you can make for a while. In their rooms, remove their doors and dressers. They can hang things in the closet and not have a place to hide things. Normally I would never think of treating children like prisoners, but in your case, it seems warranted. Someone on here posted a thread a couple of weeks ago about doing an "at home" bootcamp to help manage her teenage daughter's extreme and dangerous behavior. Maybe run an idea like that by the therapists/psychologists to see what they say.

It's clear that your boys and your family is in crisis - stay strong and have faith that you will get through this. Hopefully this phase will be short-lived and you'll be able to get them back to a place of normalcy soon.

Have you had a chance to spend 1:1 time with each child and ask him what on earth is going on? What do they say?

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

What is going on in your house that is happening...Was there a traumatic episode..Loss of family or friend? Are you working too much??? Coming home too late? Are you being consistant with action and consequence? How long have you been in therapy?

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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Learning that you aren't the mother of the 13 year old helps to understand his behavior. He's suffering from the feeling of abandonment from his birth mother, not matter how good you and his father have been. Still this no excuse for delinquent and disrespectful behavior.

If you or dad are at home with the boys, it looks like your just going to have to get tougher and be consistent. Take door off their bedrooms and the dresser out , they can hide things in there. Show them that if they want privacy and their material items returned, they will have to earn each thing one by one.

D.,

It sounds like your family has a lot of material possessions and your children are stealing from home. Are they stealing from outside the home?

Since your boys don't obey, respect or listen to you, dad or the therapist, it may time for another solution. I would suggest contacting your local police department and see if there is something like a "Scared Straight" program in your area. I would also see if the juvenile department could recommend a different therapist.

There are also private schools that specialize in helping troubled children. Here is one url: <adolescentcrisisteam.com>

These programs are very expensive so if this is not an option it's really time to put the hammer down at home. They should not be left alone at any time. If they have stolen things outside the home contact the police and juvenile authorities.

Get to the bottom of the telephone SIM card and contact the parents of the other child assisting your boys in stealing.

You might also consider clearing your room out to the point that it is not necessary to lock your door. In order to improve the morals and standards of your children, you and dad may need to evaluate your own standards.

Place the only tv and computer in your in a family area. You can control access to both tv and computer with pass codes. Have family time for tv and at least eat dinner together during the week. More time together on the weekend.

Your boys are in trouble and it appears that all concerned will have to make some sacrifices and lifestyle changes in order to bring them under control. They need to be pretty much grounded with no outside activities except for school until the can prove they can be trusted.

Blessings.....

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J.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

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