Lying in 4 Year Old

Updated on November 10, 2011
A.G. asks from Portsmouth, VA
6 answers

My son has developed a habit of lying. He does it several times every day. He started at around 3, but he would always announce himself. "Don't look in my bag" or something similar. Those he was clearly doing for attention so we treated them by taking away whatever he was lying about and usually time outs to deny him the attention he was seeking at that time. We also tried to give him more attention later that day to dissuade him from those tactics to get attention in the future. However, I have 4 kids (4,4,1,6months) and he is very attention needy so I do what I can. He has also always lied about food. He will steal food when he could have gotten it by asking. (He doesn't try to ask first) Even when he gets caught with it in his mouth he still insists he didn't take it . Lately this has been happening more and more often. Lately it is several times a day. He lies about whether he has done things we ask him to do (and is always upset when we check and call him on it - them we make him do the chore anyway) He lies about what he has or has not done to his siblings, or naughtiness he has gotten into (often our cats do the bad stuff even if they cannot climb on top of the toilet and put soap all over the bathroom mirror with their paws). And he steals and lies about food at least once a day. We do not let him go hungry, and we don't deny him healthy food unless it is less than an hour before a meal time (he gets 3 meals with snacks in between). Typically he does not steal treats, he steals the things we would have been happy to give him. This morning right after eating breakfast, I was getting everyone else's shoes on and he went into the kitchen and ate a pear. When I saw him chewing, he said he was finishing his breakfast. I was pretty sure he had already finished so I smelled his breath and sure enough he smelled like pears. When I called him on it he lied, when I brought him the pear from the trash can and told him he needed to be honest, he told me the pear was from breakfast yesterday. Even when he is caught red handed he continues to lie. I put him in time out and told him that members of our family do not lie to each other and that he wasn't allowed to be with us for 15 minutes because he continued to lie (much longer than his normal time out). I let him know that I would have been happy to give him a pear, that I forgave him for taking it, but that I was very upset about the lying. (Being honest is one of our 4 family rules). I need tips on how to stop the lying and ideas for authentic natural punishments that make sense for the behavior of lying. We really feel like we need to curb this now before he actually has real things to lie about.

Oh and in the interest of honesty, our family does believe in occasional without anger spanking - not every day for every thing. He does not get spanked for taking food, usually not for doing the bad stuff unless it is especially heinous and well known to him that he will be in trouble (like writing all over his wall with crayons). He does get spanked when he lies and will not tell us the truth despite our showing him the evidence. He does not get spanked when he admits that he did something wrong so that should not be a dissuading factor. We have told him that he never gets spanked for honestly telling us when he had done something wrong, and we stick to that.

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So What Happened?

Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately he does know when he is not telling the truth. His behavior shows that he knows. He may not intend to lie when I first ask him a question which is why I always give him multiple opportunities to fess up. Sometimes he says, "I forgot" that I did that so I give him an opportunity to remember before we call him dishonest (even when he still is covered in soap, marker whatever). I will be reading the articles you provided this week and we will be doing some discussions of truthfulness and some modeling.

More Answers

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B.B.

answers from Missoula on

He's four. Lying in a four year-old is not the same as lying in an older child or adult. He doesn't really get the concept of lying at this point, he's not trying to misbehave.

Here is an short article about the topic, and you may find it useful to do some more research on development at this age to help you decide how to proceed.
In the interest of honesty, a four year-old getting spanked for dishonesty makes me cringe.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_lying-why-it-happens-and-what...

1 mom found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Kansas City on

I have this same problem with my 4 year old!! We started reading "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" about every other day, and discussing why lying is bad. One time he lied to me about eating all his supper, and after his time out, I asked him if he had brushed his teeth. He of course said yeah, but I told him it was hard for me to believe him now, since he just got done lying to me, but if he could prove what he said was true, that would help build up my trust again. He lead me to the bathroom and showed me his tooth brush, which he hadn't gotten completely rinsed out, but I could tell he tried. I gave him a huge hug and said thank you for telling me the truth.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

There is some good research about lying in children - both why and what works and doesn't work. First - lying is normal - all kids experiment with it. Secondly - no matter how much we believe it works/should work/we want it to work - PUNISHMENT DOES NOT STOP LYING. This is true across cultures - including cultures where the punishment is something radical (like losing a hand) not just a time out or even a spanking. So you can punish (I'm sure most people here will tell you that it 'works for them') but I would take a look at this link (NPR interview w/ Po Bronson)

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

It also sounds like most of the lying has to do with food. Have you talked to him about being hungry, eating, etc at a time not associated with the lying. Perhaps you can brainstorm a solution with him. Maybe something like you and he pick out a bunch of food items and put them in a bowl (fridge or counter) that he does not need to ask to have them.

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S.H.

answers from Richmond on

I'm not trying to jump to conclusions but I just have to put this out there. My stepson is a habitual liar - I mean CONSTANT lying about anything and everything even in the face of proof that he's lying! He was diagnosed as pervasive ADD as a small child and, more recently (at 13), as having Aspbergers/being on the Autistic Spectrum. Evidently habitual lying is pretty common among both of those groups esp. the Autism b/c they just don't consider other people, their feelings or what it feels like to be lied to. That said, 1 thing that helped a little is I started lying to my stepson. I know, I know, that is awful but I was DESPERATE! It gets old being lied to 24/7. I started saying things like "we are going out to dinner tonight." Then I would serve dinner and he would be disappointed and ask why I said we were going out. I would just calmly shrug and say, "Because I felt like it" or "Oh, I lied" or "Sorry (in a sarcastic tone as he does with us)." He's still really bad about lying but it did help some. At least maybe he can understand what it feels like to be lied to now. You have my sympathy. It is beyond tiring to constantly deal with a dishonest child. Good luck!

D.S.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi, A.:

Seek out a Narrative Therapist in your area.
Narrative Therapist separates the deed from the
doer.
Good luck.
D.

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K.D.

answers from Provo on

In our house, we have told our kids that lying about something will make the punishment twice as bad. Which works when you have set punishments for infractions. If they lie about something that they wouldn't have gotten punished for, then they get the minimum punishment (5 mins in the corner). And we are always clear about telling them the reason they are being punished is is because they lied about it. If you have a punishment for lying, then keep being consistent with it. Don't ever laugh when he is lying to you about things (that gives him the reward of being entertaining). And keep reinforcing that lying only seems like it will get you out of bad things.

Good luck! This parenting thing is so hard sometimes.

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