Lying Behavior Issues for My Boys, Consequences?

My husband and I have always refused to let ourselves get pulled into an "us against them" fight with our 2 boys, but rather trying to instill a sense of our family being a team. In keeping with that when we have suspected our guys of similar things, we have had all fun stop until the lost item is found. In your current situation, you could make the issue about the item rather than about assigning blame. We call it NEHU: Nothing Else Happens Until... We have found that it is a great consequence for just about anything. Now, our boys are 10 & 12, and when they make a mess, have missing assignments at school or "forget" to do a chore, all we have to say is NEHU. In your current situation, doing this will keep from building rivalry walls between them because you won't have to ever go to one child and say your brother said... Instead, your boys will be a team working together for a common goal, in this case your missing ipod. Good luck!!!

The consequence for losing mommy's ipod (both boys being the culprit since neither will admit to it or find it for you) is that they lose their own "ipod" access - television - until the ipod is found.

The consequence will fit the crime - you are missing your favorite entertainment, so they can miss theirs. When you and dad are watching TV, they will be in their room thinking hard about where that ipod is... Throw into the bargain access to the computer if they have it and you will find them much more compliant.

Then, sit them down today and tell them that from now on, when one tattles on the other, they will BOTH be held responsible for the crime. Let them know that you expect them to be honest on their own and to admit when they have done something that would hurt someone, break something or lose something.

The tattle tale is a game kids play to see who mom/dad loves best. When they BOTH get the consequences of the game, they will stop playing it. It's not really lying Cheri - it's more attention-seeking.

Start rewarding them for every incident where they tell the truth.... a hug and a kiss when they admit they did something wrong will help them to know that telling the truth is good for everyone. Truth is a virtue, so telling it should not have any consequences, no matter how bad the 'crime' was (especially since most crimes are just mistakes kids make...).

Cheri,

I totally agree with Audra. Good solution! Nothing happens (no food, no sleep, no play) until the iPod is found. If everything is about blame and punishment, they will be more likely to hide the truth from you next time, too. This is especially important because you can't be certain they even took it. It could have been your husband or you who misplaced it and forgot.

Children usually lie because it is an effective way of getting out of trouble and they are trying to avoid punishment.

If your boys have had the experience that lying gets them off the hook, they will continue to do it. Make sure you are consistent with appropriate consequences every time. Don't just let it go because you don't know how to handle it. And when they do something wrong, it is so important to stay calm. (That doesn't mean let them off the hook, it means deliver quick, appropriate and meaningful consequences) but no yelling or flipping out. They will quickly learn to hide things from you.

About a month ago, my 1st grade daughter came home and told me she looked on someone else's paper during a math test. I calmly asked her if she understood the rules about taking a test. She did and she knew it was wrong. I asked her what she needed to do to make it right. She really didn't want to tell her teacher because she thought she would be mad. So we talked about how good it feels after you tell the truth (like fixing a cut - so scary to do but so much better afterwards.) I never got mad, I didn't call the teacher for her or ground her, I just was there as moral support as SHE solved her own problem.

She said she did it because she wanted to get all the answers right. We sat down and had a talk about why we send her to school and what we expect. I told her that I don't care if she gets all the answers right. I care that she learns the material and that she is honest and makes good choices in life. It is okay to get an answer wrong. You learn by making mistakes and then finding the right answer, not by knowing all the answers to begin with. (That is one of the major problems with our country's school system, but that is another story.)

If your boys are lying repetatively, it is because it is effective for them or because they have learned it is best to hide things from you. This is one thing you really want to nip in the bud because it is only going to get worse.

If it was me, I would hold a family council (maybe more than one) about honesty. Talk about it, why it is important, what happens when we are honest or dishonest. Role play situations. You and your husband need to role play adult honesty, too. (Bank or store gives you too much money, etc.) Make sure to role model in life - that is the most important. If your boys see you and your husband telling white lies ("Tell the person on the phone I am not here,") everything you tell them about honesty will be meaningless.

Good luck,
S.

It sounds like you've already gotten a lot of good ideas, I just wanted to add that I don't think you should use soap or tabasco in their mouths as one person suggested. I think that is cruel and doesn't teach them anything. They need a consequence that relates to the problem and will teach them how to behave in the future. It sounds like several people have given you some good and appropriate ideas. Good luck finding the ipod.

The first thing you must do is become a student of your child - study each one carefully and become thoroughly acquainted with their cues - things they do, say or how they look, when lying. Together with your husband, set them down and explain that beginning today your home has a zero lying tolerance - absolutely nothing, even the slightest stretch of the truth, will go unpunished. Then, the first time it happens again (and it will) adminster the most distasteful deterrent you can (carefully tailored to each child - for some it may be a spanking, others may require only a stern talking-to or loss of something). Do this EVERY TIME they even venture toward telling you a fib. They will soon learn that there is no up-side and much pain to lying. Learn to trust your instincts - if you believe they are being untruthful, they probably are. But even if you are wrong, it's better to administer discipline and have to apologize later if you were wrong, than for them not to be caught, and come to believe they are clever enough to get out of trouble! (I always pray that my children will get caught - so they learn early and well that dishonesty in any form is wrong!) In addition, character must be instilled, to fill the "void" not lying will leave behind. Have the discussion frankly and often with your children - "Why don't we lie? Because God says it's bad and people (including ourselves) are hurt by it." Over time, if you are patient in your training and consistent in your administration of discipline, they will learn.

SAHM of seven, one of which had this same trouble at age 6 - but has grown up to be a most forthright, loyal young man.

For lying, I favor the old-fashioned "wash the mouth" solution. If you think soap is too harsh or dangerous, then Tabasco sauce on the tongue is another good solution (as long as they don't like spicy things!) I like this because it is a consequence that is connected to their mouths -- and lying is a wrong that comes from the mouth.

This isn't just lying, though, it's also stealing, since someone took something that didn't belong to him without the owner's permission. To get to the bottom of it, I would send them both to their rooms (or make them sit on the stairs or someplace boring -- but not together) and make them stay there until they are ready to confess. Give them a deadline -- say 30 minutes -- to come clean. Explain that if the truth doesn't come out by the deadline, both of them will be punished.

The punishment should be painful to them -- removing a privilege or making them work off the value of the IPOD by daily chores or something. No special treats, trips, etc. until the value is worked off.

Hope this helps. God bless,

N.

Hi Cheri
If your main goal is to get your Ipod back I would sit the boys and say mom is going out to the garage and when I come back in I hope my Ipod will be back on my dresser if it is not you BOTH will be grounded (or what ever you think is a good punishment) I really have no good advice on how to get them to stop. Hope you find your IPod soon. :)T.

I understand how frustrating it is when the kids lose something of value of yours and won't admit to doing so. To punish both would be unfair to the 4 year old unless you have reason to believe he took it. To punish "tattling" is even worse because there is things you WANT them to tattle on such as if one is in a dangerous situation, if one stole something, if one is on drugs or if one is sneaking out at night when they are older. To close down communication is not a good thing and will make the teenage years harder.

The real problems here are:
1. Lying- This you need to deal with as a seprate matter then the losing the ipod. Talk with each one seperate and talk about what they think is truth and what they think is lying. Do not do this in anger or they will just shut down. Teach them if they do something wrong they do one thing wrong, but if they lie about it then they are doing two things wrong and will be punished for two things rather then one. Teach them by example that lying is not a good behavior. This means that you can't lie to them or others. Kids (and a lot of adults) lie to get out of trouble and that is what they are doing here. It works at times so it is more appealing then telling the truth. It is a hard habit to break.

2. Taking stuff that doesn't belong to you is the other problem you have here. It isn't respectful to take something without asking and they need to learn that when they borrow something, they need to ask first and if ok, they need to return it. You might practice this by asking to borrow something of theirs and then returning it after you are done. You can sit them down to talk to them about what it feels like when you lose something that means a lot to you, like the ipod. It will teach them that to concider the other's feelings. If you do get this message through to them and they come and ask to borrow something from you, let them borrow it (you don't want to discourage it) but remind them to return it afterwards. Then to show what happens when they borrow and not return or break something that belongs to another, have them save up money to replace it. This shows accountablity for their actions without accussations and chances to lie.

I love the everything else stops rule and will be borrowing that for sure!

I don't have any advice to offer other than to tell you that I read somewhere a year or so ago that it is a good maturity and mental sign if your children think of ways to get out of trouble. Obviously lying needs to get under control quickly so it doesn't get out of hand and other ways of staying out of trouble should be focused on...but your boys are thinking and that's good.

I hope you find your iPod...and when you do, be sure to back it up on your computer so you never have to purchase your music again.

Is your concern for your boys lying or for your ipod. They are two different issues.