S.S. asks from Seattle, WA on July 22, 2011
I wanted to know, how many moms are married but just content with the marriage and not happy. I feel like my spouse is more of a longgggg distance friend, rather than a husband. Its not about intimacy, i just dont feel anything for him anymore. And no, i am not cheating on him, and no interest in that. It feels like this marriage, I have become numb to that kind of love and feel that it does not exist. When i see him, its more like , ughhh. He feels the same. He hasnt said it, but i can tell. We barely talk to each other. I see the smile he gives ppl that he is excited to see, and sadly i havent got that smile in 10 yrs. Its just not there. I have kids with him, and I am going along with the "HAPPY GO LUCKY MARRIAGE" for them. But inside, i am hurting. Hurting a lot. I feel like, am i that bad , that no one can love me? It really does hurt my feelings, but I dont know what to do. I suggested marriage counseling, but he says we are a "Happy family". For the world that it, but inside i am hurting.
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So What Happened?™
Thanks ladies for the advice. And to Mommey B, what might be an oxymoron to you is known by a lot of women on this board , as you can tell by their response. If you do live in a happy go lucky marriage, that good for you. Maybe in time you will see what others feel and go through. But Do not judge others and make a fact out of what your opinion is about marriage because of what your situation is.
Thanks again ladies who offered great advice and support.
E.H. answers from Orlando on July 22, 2011
How would you feel if he was gone? Would your heart feel sadness or would it soar? If it would soar, take a chance at happiness. You have to believe you deserve that in your life. Believe that you both deserve it. If the thought of him gone leaves you with questions, consider therapy. Just my opinion.
9 moms found this helpful
M.L. answers from Houston on July 22, 2011
You two need to start to date each other, reignite that passion. Be playful, get out of your rut. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way in a marriage from time to time... but not in a 10 year stretch.
Truly sit down and communicate this with him, calmly tell him your concerns, you miss the warmth and closeness. That you long for a deeper connection that you two once had together.... and you know deep down that he isn't truly happy and fulfilled either. Being content isn't being happy.
Definitely start the marriage counseling, if he won't join, go alone. Do the Love Dare together:
Also, I absolutely love this video on how to treat your spouse. It's only about 3 minutes long, but it is so powerful and sweet. Watch it together:
6 moms found this helpful
S.D. answers from Phoenix on July 22, 2011
Start with marriage counsoling and re-build your love for one another again. It is normal too me to be in a slump here and there.....but if it goes on for a long peirod of time, obviously you two may need some guidance on how to get a spark back too one another. I guess we get into routine as married couples and we have to work on making it fun and exciting. Work on jokes, communication, date nights or whatever is needed to keep an intrest going. Hopefully you can find a good marriage counslor. It takes work to make a more deeper connection on a daily or weekly basis rather then just going day to day as being friends and talk about the kids.
5 moms found this helpful
M.T. answers from Nashville on July 22, 2011
I am no counselor, but it seem to me that you are bored with each other. It may have a lot to do with your personalities. If you are both quiet, people pleasing types, or he is the blunt antisocial type, then you may just not have things in common and just continue to live thru the marriage because you are both committed to it.
Try understanding/reading/analyzing each other to see why you act the way you do (family history, fears, past hurts, etc) and work on communicating those things to each other.
You said your husband smiles with other people, so it would seem like other people have what you do not. Give him something to be excited about. Laugh more, play games and try to go out of the box at times so you can have fun with each other again.
The love might still be there, but you might just need to excite each other again. You said you don't feel anything for him anymore- which means you had it once...Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment. Feeling is a part of love but it's not all there is to it. Hope you both can find some common ground, at least for the kids sake. Best of luck.
5 moms found this helpful
N.A. answers from Chicago on July 22, 2011
Oh my! Hun don't ever feel that you aren't loved! You have children and your husband is still standing beside you! I mean if he didn't love you then why would he still be with you? Think about it, and the same goes for you darling! You just need to spiff it up! I would definately suggest going to a marriage counselor! It will help! My sister went through the samething! They have been together for 21 years! IT HELPS to pour your heart out to someone that will listen to you! And you also need to talk to your husband about it too, let him know how much your hurt by him not showing you that he love's you and the other feelings you may have. He may even feel the same way you feel and the both of you are crying out for help. You said, " i feel like my spouse it more of a longgggg distance friend" will then make him you best friend rather then a distant friend, open your heart to him, let him see that your hurt, i am sure he will do the same. Your spouse-husband should be your best friend-companion, your lover, and most of all the wonderful father of your children that the both of you had TOGETHER. Please, open your heart to him and let him know how you feel, this really breaks my heart to read your post, my heart truely goes out to you. Your marriage just seem's to need a boost! And it's going to take the both of you to boost it. Please seek marriage counceling and give it a try to bring back that "butterfly" feeling you both had the first day you met. You can do this! Just stay strong! My thoughts and prayers for everything to work out for you!
4 moms found this helpful
J.C. answers from Columbus on July 23, 2011
I never once saw any displays of affection between my parents. And I'm not talking groping, I mean no kisses, no handholding, no hugging, not even kind smiles to each other.
I strongly urge you to try marriage counselling. Even if you go yourself. Because believe me, your kids know. They see it. They see what's missing. And if you don't do something now, this is how they will believe marriage is supposed to run.
Good luck to you
4 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from St. Louis on July 22, 2011
let him read this forum...that's the 1st step towards honesty in your relationship. Peace.....
3 moms found this helpful
R.K. answers from Appleton on July 22, 2011
Next time he says 'we' are happy ask who the 'we' is. Then tell him if 'we' is you and me 'we' is not happy because I'm not happy.
You deserve better than that. You deserve to be in a happy, loving marriage, don't settle for less. If he won't go to counseling -- go for yourself. It will take time but go deep and find out why you are settling for an unhappy marriage.
Also think of your kids, you are not fooling them. They know there is no real love there and that you are not happy. What are you teaching them? They are learning from you that marriage is not a happy place.
Hopefully through counseling you will be able to put your marriage on track and be the loving happy marriage it should be. If not then it's time to split and find happiness.
3 moms found this helpful