Loveless Marriage

How would you feel if he was gone? Would your heart feel sadness or would it soar? If it would soar, take a chance at happiness. You have to believe you deserve that in your life. Believe that you both deserve it. If the thought of him gone leaves you with questions, consider therapy. Just my opinion.

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You two need to start to date each other, reignite that passion. Be playful, get out of your rut. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way in a marriage from time to time... but not in a 10 year stretch.

Truly sit down and communicate this with him, calmly tell him your concerns, you miss the warmth and closeness. That you long for a deeper connection that you two once had together.... and you know deep down that he isn't truly happy and fulfilled either. Being content isn't being happy.

Definitely start the marriage counseling, if he won't join, go alone. Do the Love Dare together:
http://thelovedarebook.com

Also, I absolutely love this video on how to treat your spouse. It's only about 3 minutes long, but it is so powerful and sweet. Watch it together:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

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Start with marriage counsoling and re-build your love for one another again. It is normal too me to be in a slump here and there.....but if it goes on for a long peirod of time, obviously you two may need some guidance on how to get a spark back too one another. I guess we get into routine as married couples and we have to work on making it fun and exciting. Work on jokes, communication, date nights or whatever is needed to keep an intrest going. Hopefully you can find a good marriage counslor. It takes work to make a more deeper connection on a daily or weekly basis rather then just going day to day as being friends and talk about the kids.

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I am no counselor, but it seem to me that you are bored with each other. It may have a lot to do with your personalities. If you are both quiet, people pleasing types, or he is the blunt antisocial type, then you may just not have things in common and just continue to live thru the marriage because you are both committed to it.

Try understanding/reading/analyzing each other to see why you act the way you do (family history, fears, past hurts, etc) and work on communicating those things to each other.

You said your husband smiles with other people, so it would seem like other people have what you do not. Give him something to be excited about. Laugh more, play games and try to go out of the box at times so you can have fun with each other again.

The love might still be there, but you might just need to excite each other again. You said you don't feel anything for him anymore- which means you had it once...Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment. Feeling is a part of love but it's not all there is to it. Hope you both can find some common ground, at least for the kids sake. Best of luck.

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Oh my! Hun don't ever feel that you aren't loved! You have children and your husband is still standing beside you! I mean if he didn't love you then why would he still be with you? Think about it, and the same goes for you darling! You just need to spiff it up! I would definately suggest going to a marriage counselor! It will help! My sister went through the samething! They have been together for 21 years! IT HELPS to pour your heart out to someone that will listen to you! And you also need to talk to your husband about it too, let him know how much your hurt by him not showing you that he love's you and the other feelings you may have. He may even feel the same way you feel and the both of you are crying out for help. You said, " i feel like my spouse it more of a longgggg distance friend" will then make him you best friend rather then a distant friend, open your heart to him, let him see that your hurt, i am sure he will do the same. Your spouse-husband should be your best friend-companion, your lover, and most of all the wonderful father of your children that the both of you had TOGETHER. Please, open your heart to him and let him know how you feel, this really breaks my heart to read your post, my heart truely goes out to you. Your marriage just seem's to need a boost! And it's going to take the both of you to boost it. Please seek marriage counceling and give it a try to bring back that "butterfly" feeling you both had the first day you met. You can do this! Just stay strong! My thoughts and prayers for everything to work out for you!

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I never once saw any displays of affection between my parents. And I'm not talking groping, I mean no kisses, no handholding, no hugging, not even kind smiles to each other.

I strongly urge you to try marriage counselling. Even if you go yourself. Because believe me, your kids know. They see it. They see what's missing. And if you don't do something now, this is how they will believe marriage is supposed to run.

Good luck to you

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let him read this forum...that's the 1st step towards honesty in your relationship. Peace.....

3 moms found this helpful

Next time he says 'we' are happy ask who the 'we' is. Then tell him if 'we' is you and me 'we' is not happy because I'm not happy.

Sweetie:
You deserve better than that. You deserve to be in a happy, loving marriage, don't settle for less. If he won't go to counseling -- go for yourself. It will take time but go deep and find out why you are settling for an unhappy marriage.

Also think of your kids, you are not fooling them. They know there is no real love there and that you are not happy. What are you teaching them? They are learning from you that marriage is not a happy place.

Hopefully through counseling you will be able to put your marriage on track and be the loving happy marriage it should be. If not then it's time to split and find happiness.

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Read 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and the spark back on your marriage. It is easy to get comfortable and lose interest, but sometimes we need to make the extra effort to get it back. Good Luck!

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Start going to counseling on your own, and hopefully in time he will join you.

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I want to say something that I learned in my long hard life. I was married twice. This second marriage is over sixteen years, and also has had its problems. But one thing I have noticed between my old marriage and my new marriage and when I watch everyone breaking up all over the place (and you are really truly amazingly wonderful people who don't jump ship so right there give yourself a hug), is that being married means being married. My husband and I do a lot of things together, but we also do hone our own skills. And I always work on being happy just for me, because our own excitement for the rest of our lives is spread to that other person. Now sometimes they prefer to continue in their well, dullness, but sometimes they welcome our overatures. Every day is a new day and every day is an opportunity to do something different for ourselves and others and with our spouses. Is your husband the only one who runs to the store to buy milk? Surprise him and go with him. Are you the only one that folds the laundry? Walk out with it, hand him a pile while you watch something on tv together or just talk? Did you ever try to play games? Believe it or not we have played basketball outside when there was some down time and I am in my fifties. Perhaps you make a challenge out of this? forget about being passionately in love, or wishing that he be desperately good looking, but focus on the fact that you have a built in friend for life and you are on a lifetime camping trip. The point is it isn't about waking up and feeling your body swaying with desire, it's about playing and being creative.I can about guarantee that you will see some changes, even just for yourself, when you do some of your own things differently. And also I might add, one wonderful mother said things are cyclical in marriage and they really are. For years we focused only on children, now our world although going through the loss of that part, is open to other things. It's not easy, but I just reread my own advice here and I was surprised to see what I wrote...I said 'my new marriage' and I have been married for a long time. So I guess it works sometimes.

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to anwer your questions: more than you think, but they will never admit it! Marriage can be (and should be) long, so never say never. It's made of cycles, so very often things go as they have come. But I would put in practice some of the advice you got from the more encouraging mamas below, the ones you feel may work for you. I 'd go on a long vacation (maybe a week or so) by myself, to just dive in my sorrow and find the reasons for it. Personally, I think it's wonderful you husband wil not give up on the marriage...very rare. Don't lose hope.

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Awww, you poor thing! You don't have a dead marriage sweety-you have dead communication!! You need to rekindle it, that's a tough thing to do tho and you both have to want to do it. You have to start with talking about something small you both have in common and then work up to these bigger things you just mentioned bc if you just jump right in to "i don't know what to do and I'm not happy" a man just gets confused and tries to run or give a really bad quick answer, lol. Start by asking him about anything and just really really listen, you'll be surprised how soon he will start asking you about you. Listening to eachother no matter what the conversation is (even if you mad and you want to rip his face off) the key to good communication, and if you have that and trust you have true love. You will rediscover eachother again, which isn't a bad thing, it can be fun, bc it sounds like you don't even share your favorite food. You can do it but your gona have to make the first step bc men suck at it, lol. Good luck!!!!!!!

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Sounds like you need to start spending time together and talking to each other. It doesn't have to be overly dramatic but make sure you always kiss when one of you leaves the house or goes to bed. It can be hard to remember to do that if you're both working and chasing kids around. You need to remind yourselves to spend some time together. Start doing things together - it can be as simple as sitting on the couch and watching tv - and make sure you touch when you do it. Hold hands, sit close enough that your arms touch, etc. If you're going to try to rebuild the feelings you once had, you need to make an effort to feel each other. Humans build intimacy through touch. You need to spend together, engaging in each other. Give that a shot and see if things start to improve. If not, start some counseling on your own. Or maybe even start counseling on your own anyway but still try to build some intimacy with your husband.

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Wow. Sorry to read this. Well, the fact that it bothers you and makes you sad that he doesn't light up when he sees you means that you are DIScontent.
I don't even think you are numb because if you were you wouldn't notice that smile and have the hurt feelings . Since he won't go to counseling I suggest you go alone to start. That way at least you will be getting some help dealing with things. Best wishes

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I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. But, remember that feelings are fickle and can change. Determine in your mind to change them. There is a marriage DVD set called "What did you expect?" I highly recommend it. There is a book, too, but I have only seen the video. http://www.paultrippministries.com/whatdidyouexpect
Amazon also sells it.
I think pretty much anyone can get to that point in a marriage. Those lusty/lovey feelings that are usually present at the beginning of a marriage tend to fade amidst the dirty diapers, piling bills, broken dishwashers and broken down cars. Life happens. We are tired. We stop trying to please each other. We get our feelings hurt. We hold grudges. And so do they. How do we get it back? We die to self and start serving the other one. Sometimes one person has to do it even though the other isn't interested in returning the honor. But, someone has to start. It builds trust, respect, a sense of unity. I've heard it said tongue in cheek that the most mature of the two should begin. So, let it be you. Start serving him in small and large ways. Smile at him more. With your eyes as well as your lips. Determine in your heart to love him. I'm sure you have heard it said that it is a choice and an act to love. It's true. In our selfishness and insecurity we are afraid to choose to love someone if we fear they might not choose to love us back. Push those thoughts to the back of your heard and go forward with reckless abandonment. Love him. See what happens over time. Blessings.

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you can go to counseling by yourself. men are dense sometimes and totally fine with things. my husband is that way.

right now, things are happening and i feel like making major changes.
i know with sadness, it is not a time to make a decision.

hang in there and guard your heart. no new relationships until you are free.
if you find a male friend to listen, your marriage will never meet that need.
don't give up yet. try to remember why you married him in the first place. that helps me deal with the boring and disappointing moments.

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If he won't go to counseling with you, then you go by yourself. Maybe then you will begin to understand why you continue to be married to someone you no longer feel love for, especially if the feeling seems to be mutual. Or maybe you will start learning some better communication skills for trying to work things out with him. Or maybe you'll just realize that you deserve better, one way or another. Life is too short to allow yourself to spend it being miserable.

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I think every marriage has its share of ups and downs - moments when you are completely totally over the top in love and other moments when you barely like, much less love, each other. But it has to be a balance - preferably one where the love moments really overshadow the dislike moments. It sounds to me like you are both stuck. and I'll admit that during the down times when I can't stand to be around my husband - when I question the almost 20 year commitment we've made to each other - i think "it's too hard" to do anything else...but i also know from experience that these feelings are fleeting and soon we'll get back on track. I'd say we are happy 90% of the time - how often do you think you are happy with your spouse? if it's less than 50% - well - then you have some decisions to make. Life and marriage are hard...you deserve to feel love....good luck.

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Maybe counseling sounds like a big deal, maybe you can try a seminar, where you just sit & listen.
They offered one at our church, I see them at the local township and sometimes in the paper at the church.
I think we need to be reminded why we got married and how to stay married.

It does require some work and effort on both parts, otherwise you;ll end up in another relationship with the same outcome. Best of luck

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I'm reading a book now called The Many Loves of Marriage by Thomas & Nanette Kinkade. It gives some great perspective. In the most recent chapters I've read it talks of how just as an artist (as Thomas Kinkade is one of my favorite artists) needs to set the scene for inspiration rather than just expect inspiration to come to him as he's busy about life, we need to in our marriages set the scene for those love feelings rather than expect the lovey feelings to stay passionate as we are busy about life and losing focus. Set the scene for romance by spending time together, be extra nice to him, etc without expecting anything in return necessarily. Kinkade mentioned that often people divorce and then have this fun exciting romance with someone new going out on dates and spending focused time on one another. I know several who have done such. Instead, one could rather be intentional about doing these things with your spouse to make the effort to set yourself up to fall in love with him once again. This is a man you once chose to spend your life with, choose him again and make the effort to love that life with him. I, as well as many others, have SURELY been in this position of feeling like the happy family front is so fake, yet when making the choice to set it up to be real, it makes all the difference in the world to turn things in a better direction. This book anyway speaks of the many loves of marriage including not only loving feelings where loving generally begins, but enduring love, exploring love, attentive love, sharing love, etc. Sometimes love is just committing to make it through a tough time, but setting your attitude toward loving him and making the effort to add a little romance can turn things to the right direction. Best of wishes to you! My heart goes out to you as marriage is by no means easy beyond that honeymoon stage for the first several years. Gets so tough to stay connected on any level amidst kids, jobs, and just keeping up with life. I wish you both the very best!

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I'm really sorry for you. I had felt that way for years and figured I was in trouble when I was happier at work than at home, couldn't wait for weekends to end, etc. My ex also thought there was no need for counselling and that everything was fine. It wasn't. I left him (and sadly my teenaged sons) ten years ago. It was a heart wrenching but difficult decision, but these have been the best ten years of my life, and both of my sons are at home with me-have been for years. We had been married 20 years. My ex thought I was having an affair, but that was not the case at all. Relationships are not easy. Good luck.

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I just read the words: "loveless marriage", and to me, it is an oxymoron. There really shouldn't be such a thing. really.

My marriage has all a marriage should have and more. It should be that way for everyone. Sorry to hear this. OUR love only grows- beyond how deep I thought love could get, in all aspects.

What I can say is that it isn't you, because everyone has love to get and give.

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I'm sorry you have let this go on so long S.. I can understand where you are comming from. I have felt this way too sometimes. Sometimes in a marriage you grow away from eachother. I believe its possible to grow back together if both people want to. It sounds like your husband is in denial? If he doesnt want to work on your marriage, i suggest you move on. It will be really ahrd for a while, but i'm sure eventually things will get better.
Good luck

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How sad will it be when your kids grow up and look back on their childhood only to think - gee, I don't think I ever saw my parents happy or playful or in love. Do you want your children to have that as an example of what they should look for in a spouse. Nobody but nobody is happy and in love 100% of the time, but to use the term "loveless marriage" is very telling. You've gotten some great advice here, take it to heart and do something or do nothing and in 10 or 20 or 30 years you'll be in the same boat.

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So sorry you are feeling like this and have to deal with all of this pretty much on your own it sounds like. Sex isn't everything in marriage but intimacy is important. You mentioned seeking therapy I think going alone would be a good place to start. If you two really are no longer in love then you will have to decide what is best for you and your kids. I hope you figure things out and find happiness.