Love the Friend, Not the Mom!

Unfortunately, your daughter remaining friends with someone who will be adopting her mothers attitudes and eating disorders may negatively affect her too, as she is already beginning to wonder if she's "fat".
At some point this child is going to succumb to her mothers mental issues about weight and begin to believe them herself.
My 11 year old step daughter is thin as a reed, she is tall, and willowy. She gets this genetically from her father as he is tall and slim. (Her older sister is thin as well, but is well adjusted and ate like a freaking whale when she was pregnant! LOL)
Last year she had a friend who was obssessing over being "fat",and our daughter started repeating the nonsense. We had to work hard to counteract this influence and we vigilantly made sure she was eating and not just moving food around on her plate and throwing food out.
Her mother had to move, so she soon was away from the friend and now isn't having any issues at all. Since we had this experience, it's my opinion that if you can't counteract your daughters friend's influence you are going to start having some problems.
Start by allowing her to only play at your house, but make sure you pay attention to your daughters comments and remarks about her body. If you don't see any changes then that worked ok. If she escalates the "fat" talk, then you will have to try to redirect her to another friend to play with. Involving school councelors might help too.

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I agree on limiting their playing field to your place as much as possible. I am sure, however, that it will be impossible for them not to be at her house sometimes though. I would just keep talking to your daughter about the situation and maybe someday you can even have a discussion with the other girl to assure her she is fine. I don't know, I am shooting from the hip as my daughter is only 15 mos. I have a 25 year old step son, 17 year old son and a 15 year old son...this girl thing is new to me. I am sure I will need advice in the very near future about lots of things....hang in there...D. B.

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My suggestion to you would just to try and be as much of a good influence on this other child as possible. I would limit the amount of time she spends at the other girls house but wouldn't completely cut it off. I would talk to your daughter about body image, maybe even have her talk to her doctor. I would explain to your daughter that you disagree with the other girls mom with out bad mouthing her. And when this girl is at your house, give her compliments, along with your daughter, every opportunity you have. Tell her she is smart and often because, most likely, her mother is not. This is sad and I just want to cry for this girl. I think the only thing you can do is damage control and showing her there is other ideas out there. If you've been doing this for your daughter then she will be smart enough not to be influenced very much by this woman. After all, you have a greater power of influence over you daughter

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wow, that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I don't know what to tell you. I might even call child protection of her. I can't imagine what that's doing to that kid. My parents NEVER brought up weight, ever. It is nothing a kid should ever think about. (as long as there are no health concerns)

Is there a dad there?

The poor kid is going to need a friend.

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Please let your daughter know that she is okay and she is loved just the way she is. As for the friend...let your daughter be a positive influence for her. She apparently needs it. Sit down with your daughter and explain to her that the friend's mom is wrong in what she is doing to her daughter and that she should take what the mom says for what it's worth, nothing. It sounds as though mom has issues with her own self asteem and is trying to implement that issue on to her daughter. Which is sad. Keep loving on this girl, she needs it. She needs it a lot. Let the girl come to your house to play or take them some place. Don't stop the connection, like I said, she needs your daughter's positive influence, since she doesn't seem to get it at home. Just reafirm to your daughter that she is okay. Why don't you and your daughter pray for her and her mom also. Good Luck and God Bless.

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Hi K.,

Sorry to hear that about your daughters friend :( My own mom and dad were harsh on me growing up about my weight and appearance. I remember the month leading up to my senior prom only eating raw veggies so that I would look "perfect" in my prom dress. I weighed 98 pound and was affraid of being too big! I am five foot tall and 130 after having two sweet little girls, and that by doctors standards is over weight and I know this and it still does drive me crazy! But I am concious about how I tear myself down in front of my daughters because, as you have seen first hand, it rubs off on our children. I feel sorry for that mom because I believe she has a very serious problem with herself that she is passing on to her daughter and you have every right not to want your daughter to be around her. I empathize with her though because I feel that she most likely had that engrained in her since she was little by her own parents and that's what she knows so she is doing it to her own daughter. I would make sure you constantly give your own daughter positive comments on how she looks and I know this may seem strange but any time you see her friend I would comment positivly about her as well. I know that when I was growing up I longed for approval, love and acceptance. When I didn't get that from my own parents I sought it out in boys and trust me, that wasn't a positive way of doing things. Maybe if another adult had given me some approval or positive comments, I would have felt a little better about myself. And maybe, if you get to know the mother better, you can discuss this issue in a round about way with out stepping on her toes. Our daughters have it really rough these days trying to live up to the Hollywood standards they see on tv and magazines and peer presure from girls at school, the last thing they need is to get it from their own parents! Take care and good luck ;)

M. H.

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As a mother and a concerned neighbor, you really need to
call the Child Abuse Hotline. Previously working in the
child-care industry, this is a hotline situation. You don't have to give your name and you keep it confidential. However, DFS is taking more and more cases like the one you're in.
I would document everything as back up as well.
Pleast hotline her and help that little girl.

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Have you thought about talking to the girls Mom? As long as you approach it properly, talking to her could be a possitive thing for everyone. Don't give any indication to the mom that you think she is a bad parent or anything as I am sure she will be super sensitive. But maybe you could just point out that your daughter has a different body style then her daughter and the thing that she says to her daughter in your daughter's presense make your daughter feel self conscience. Don't necessarily tell her that she shouldn't say these things at all but maybe just ask her to be a little more careful about how she talks in front of your daughter. As others have said, love the friend and let her know that she is beautiful every chance you get. Fortunetly, lots of people have overcome rough backgrounds and maybe with your help, this girl can learn to overcome her mother's pettiness as well. Good luck!

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I think you are right to be concerned. If you do anything, talk to your daughter. Tell her what you think. She is old enough to hear it, and the sooner you tell her the truth the better. Girls can be easily confused by those superficial value messages, and your input is completely necessary to her finding her own comfort with herself and her body. You can't change the friend's mom, but you can talk to her daughter too. I wouldn't hesitate to tell the friend what you think, if the opportunity comes up. And limiting time with the other mother sounds good. Always follow those instincts. You know what is a good environment and what isn't. Keep the communication going!

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I wouldn't want my child around a person like that. Children at that age are too vulnerable to self doubt as it is. Our society is so messed up these days. Without putting her mother down you should try to slip in comments about inner beauty to that poor child and by all means keep your own daughter away from her as much as possible. Explain to your daughter that Moms shouldn't treat their daughters like that.

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Yikes!! Poor girl!! There is enough pressure in the world, it doesn't need to be from her mother too! Especially if she is only 11 or so.

This story instantly made me think of one of my friends mother's when I was younger. No, she was not like the little girls mother but just the opposite! I grew so close to her, I called her my second mom!!

Here's my point, sometimes kids need their friends parents to help point them in the right direction. I would encourage her to play at our home. Take them swimming or play in the sprinkler. That way the make-up would wash off. Then you can tell her how beautiful she is without makeup (be sure not to sound creepy though!). This little girl needs to have positive reinforcement that she is beautiful not matter what. The inside is what counts. Find ways to bring the best out of her.

Keep the positive actions and words flowing. It means more to her than you think...my guess anyways! I know my life would be different if it weren't for my "second mom".

Best Wishes,

J. H.
In Loving Memory of Rosa B. :)

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it sounds like the girl is in beauty pageants. if that is true then the mom is trying to keep her "perfedt" for pageants and might have one coming soon. Ask the girl start with a compliment like " you look like a little doll why? Do you participate in beauty pageants?" If she says yes, well that is an easy way to explain the critisism from the mom. Don't say anything negative about the mom though, little girls love to talk and your daughter might loose her friend. Just support your daughter's image and help the other girl know that no matter what she is and always will be beautiful.
L.

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Please, please, please call whoever you can-- counselors, DFS, teachers, their family doctor... My mother was bad about this too, always making comments about my 3 siblings and I (which was even more ironic given her extreme obesity). My doctor would tell me I needed to gain ten pounds; my mother would tell me my jeans made my butt look big. She blew her budget on "cute" clothes for me, especially ones that emphasized how board-thin I was (French bikini on a ten-year-old, anyone?), and was constantly asking me why I didn't do anything with my hair or my makeup. The result? I was so thin through college that I was constantly asked if I was anorexic. I modelled during this time, and I can see every single bone in those photos. My brother was so skinny he had heart problems. My sisters were constantly on diets (and had the legs that constantly look bowed from being too thin). I also looked for reassurance of my "attractiveness" from lots of men, as did my sisters. My last year of college I rebelled completely. I shaved my waist-length hair completely off, began wearing men's clothes, took jobs that made me strong but not "attractive" (I was a janitor, steelworker, etc), and finally got up enough guts to tell my mom (she had a fit when I shaved my head-- luckily my dad just laughed and said it would grow back, so I made it through her tantrum) she needed to stop making those comments. She said she hadn't realized she'd been doing it! She did stop; however, the damage had been done. I am within my healthy BMI but see fat in the mirror (you know, those places women who have had children always seem a bit squishy). I have a problem with my husband's recent weight gain even though he doesn't deserve my shallowness. My older sister is better, but still tans and works out and makes-up to a degree that she doesn't really need to, but at least she doesn't seem to be passing on the negative comments to her daughters. My little sister gained weight with her last child (her first was at 18) and seems to be keeping it on. My brother died a couple of years ago in a kick-boxing accident, still rail-thin. It could have been worse-- one of us could have been really anorexic or bulemic. Or we could have gotten a disease or hurt physically from the irresponsible behaviors we practiced trying to get attention. But none of us talk to Mom now. I wish someone had stepped in at some point to say, "This isn't right." If you ask them now, my relatives all knew what was going on and that it was a bad situation, but none of them ever did anything. I wish they had!

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Here is a perfect Dr. Phil candidate, Wow that poor child. She is destroying her child before your eyes. She will have some eating disorder and worse a severe complex that will lead to multiple mental health issues. Please encourage and explain to your child this adult has her morals mixed up. That she is a happy healthy child and explain to her about eating disorders. Tell her to be a child for now and dont worry about makeup and all that for now. she has years to have that.
I think if someone was critizing there child in such an unheathy way in front of mine I would now step in on behalf of my child. tell her you do not want your child exposed to her remarks of weight gain and obsesion with physical appearance. I think you and your daughter may be this childs saving grace if you could also speak to her. You need to do what your mom feelings tells you to. Wow there is so much of that.Then the country wonders why we have children acting and doing adult things. She needs to be a child and hold onto that innocents as long as possible.

I agree with most of the other moms. Talk to your daughter and tell her the truth about the situation. This is a great way to discuss the pitfalls of a low self-image (drugs, sex, depression, suicide). Even at 11 years old these things start becoming issues for our children. Counsel your daughter to come to you if she hears anything she does not understand or has a problem with....make sure she knows YOU are her ally in this crazy world and together you both can try to be a positive influence on the friend.

I would not openly discuss the mother in front of the friend. Listen a lot and just tell the truth. "You do not look fat to me."..."I think you look just as pretty without the makeup. You have lovely eyes/skin/etc."..."Well, you can eat healthy over here if your mom is worried about junk food.". "Wow, you both did so well on the Math test....your really very bright young ladies.". Give compliments that are meaningful and insightful and provide food that is as healthy as possible. Especially if you think the mom is trying to starve the child.

You just don't want the girl to go back and repeat to the mother something you said against her. This will undo any good you might be able to accomplish by being a positive influence in her life.

From what I've learned about eating disorders from Social Work education and from an adult friend who still battles anorexia, eating disorders are VERY contagious, as are body image problems. I'd be concerned about my daughter spending time around that girl's mother at all, and around her daughter too (to a lesser extent). Oops, my dtr just woke up, ... 'gotta go!

K.,
Bless you! You have found a girl who is about to go down the road of eating disorders. Please have the girl at your house and limit the"Mom" time.
You will have a battle undoing any "words of wisdom" from this Mom. You can do it. Read up on Eating Disorders and good luck.

Hi, K.. Wow- I am feeling terrible for your daughter's friend. As if society isn't hard enough on these girls! Do you feel comfortable talking to this mother about the message she is sending to her daughter- and possibly yours? You could approach the subject by letting her know she is making your daughter question her own self-image. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it, maybe you could talk to your daughter's friend. Let her know how special she is to your daughter and how great she looks just as she is. Just maybe drop a few comments here and there. Maybe they will help buffer the comments her mother is making. I do not think you should limit your daughter's contact with her friend. Her friend really needs someone to let her know she is worthy just as she is. I would recommend sitting your daughter down and explaining your feelings about the situation. Your daughter is old enough to hear it and understand it. Also, your daughter is a great ally for her friend in helping her realize what is truly important in life. I would suggest more socializing at your house, just to keep the girl away from her obsessive mother. I am grateful you and your daughter are so aware of the situation. You and your daughter will be a great example for her friend. Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi K.,

Wow, that's really over the top! I can't believe a parent would make their child wear make up before leaving the house, let alone having her wear make up period. I asume this friend of your daughter's is about the same age? This mom sounds like the typical model want to be. This reminds me of a famous story known to the world as Jean Binea Ramsey. Her parents did much in the same training if you will. You are right to be concerned for your daughter. I feel for the other girl. This mom is putting the ideas in her daughter's head that she has to have a certain image in order to make it in this world. If you ask me, I am worried she will teach your daughter to have eating disorders. She is already asking you about her weight. I think it would be best to have her freind over as much as possible so she can see what a normal childhood should be like. This woman is making her little girl grow up way to fast and I feel she is living through her daughter. Some parents feel the need to relive their youth through their kids. I don't know this woman and I am glad I don't have to, but she is bad news. Her behavior isn't normal and obviously she has some issues. I pray your daughter can learn that what this other woman is doing to her daughter isn't normal and it's wrong on so many levels. Your daughter is at such an impressionable age, keep this woman away from her! You don't want her undo the good teaching you instilled into your little girl. I hope things work out for you and your daughter. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

A. H.

I have to agree with all the other mom's that encouraged you to have the friend over often. My only other advice which may be VERY difficult, is to love the mom as well. I know people get into ruts.. maybe she is crazy...the mom needs help and prayers as well. The mom might have never known the love of a friend.. or her own mother. The only thing I can tell you to do before doing ANYthing else is pray. Don't rush into something that could be hurtful for all involved. God is the best counselor!

Well I don't have any advice but I'm sure glad your daughter has a sane mother. I think keeping them at your house is a good idea. That poor little girl, her mother is setting her up for a lifetime of body issues.

I would get involved. I've been on the receiving end of terrible abusive comments like this. I succumbed and became very fat. I was 135 pounds and wore a size 12 at 5 feet 7 inches when it started. Now I wear a size 18 and that's snug. I've struggled for years against this demon and I believe that I'd be someplace different today if I hadn't became involved with someone that was abusive about this.

This mother is abusing her daughter and it's just as serious as if she was beating on her.

If it were me I'd take the girl aside and explain the facts of life to her and make sure she understands that her mother is wrong and that she will be heading down a dangerous path. Then I'd take the mother aside and let her know that you expect this to stop or you are calling child welfare on her.

It may end your contact with the girl and your daughter will be upset. But if you don't, who will?

S.

OMG... I would march right over there and tell that mom that what she said made your daughter upset and that you would appreciate it if she would not make those kind of comments in front of your daughter. Tell her, "you may not have a problem hurting your daughters self-image, but I have a problem with you hurting my daughters!"

Or... if you don't want to be THAT confrontational... Go over there and tell her nicely that what she said upset your daughter and you wanted to discuss it, woman to woman. (Not in front of the kids) Tell her your concerns about her daughter being so skinny. Maybe (crossed fingers) she will listen and take a step back and look at herself and try to change her behaviour. Maybe that's what her mother used to do to her? Maybe if an outsider called her on it, she would realize it's wrong?? (Slight chance, but I am a Optimist!!)

AND...If all else fails and you cannot talk to her or reason with her, and you feel in your heart of hearts and in your gut that the child is in danger of being too thin or malnutritioned, you may have to call DCFS. Mom's like that are not helping the Anorexia epidemic in this country, they are causing it!! Poor girl, I feel so sorry for her to have a mom that does that to her! And no, I would not let my daughter play over at her house... who knows what else could come out of that woman's mouth, and next time it could be toward your child instead!!

A great reason to be concerned!!! The hard part of this is that you have to remember (especially with girls) that they are influenced by their peers more than anyone else. So this young girl already has her mother's influence so the mother may be influencing your daughter but so is the girl. This is affecting self esteem and health issues. The young girl probably has gained weight because she is pre-puberty and this is what her body is suppose to do, it is a normal stage. I'm not sure what to suggest since it is summer. If school was in session, I would suggest going to your school nurse and voice your concerns. This is a form of neglect in the legal sense of the word but a touchy subject because it is hard to prove. We do have children in the foster child system because of this situation. Here in Manhattan(since it is a college town) we have a woman who deals with this subject and visits with young girls. She goes to the elementary schools and creates clubs based on health and how important it is to eat healthy and helps to increase their self esteem. If you would like, I could refer you to her for advice on the weight issue,self esteem and how to be a kid(she is a friend). As far as the clothes and make-up, this mom needs help quick! She sounds controlling and obsessed, maybe this explains why they moved from somewhere else(someone else might have had your same concerns). Clothes; there isn't much you can do. Make-up; lay down rules to the mom, it might back fire, but you don't want your daughter hanging out with someone who is growing up too fast.

Good luck,
D.

K.. this one struck my heart. deep. I have a friend who is an anorexic/bulemic. and often i find myself scrutinizing, watching for signs that she's passing/pushing her behaviors off to her daughter. but that's my "job" as requested by her. To step in if needed. My advice is this. if the girls are both attending the same school, once back in session, advise the school counselor/psychologiest. let them get involved and handle it. This mother is doing a horrible injustice to her daughter. it's one thing to teach our children to be healthy eaters, it's another to teach them to be obsessive and unhealhily at that it sounds. No 11 yo should be having to count calories unless instructed by her Dr, which I'm willing to lay odds that her Pediatrician would think the thought is insane...But for the sake of the lil girl, please don't ignore it. Help her anyway you can.