Love/Freindship Opinion/Advice

Move on, sweetie.
While he's a great friend and very kind and generous to your family, he's just not into you romantically.
Restating your feelings will accomplish nothing, in fact it may chase him off again. He already knows how you feel. He's not an idiot.

I would start dating and give up having him in your life romantically. You can still be friends with him, of course, But stop holding out for him 'come around'.

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It sounds to me like he's a very CONFLICTED gay man. Even in 2010 there are a number of gay people (especially those who came of age before the 90s) who are really distraught over their feelings. They may have gay friends and support gay rights, but for them personally it's REALLY scary to actually make that leap. There are also people out there who are actually asexual. It's very rare, but some people honestly do not feel attraction to either sex.

For the sake of your friendship, and this guy sounds like he's a jewel to have as a friend, I would let anything beyond friendship go. He has his reasons -whatever they are.

Also -whenever you DO meet a new man, if he insists or acts jealous that you have a long-time male friend who you've always been platonic with -get rid of him! Jealousy is a warning sign, and no one should expect you to dump your friends once you're with them. It's natural for another man to ask if you've ever dated, hooked up or had a relationship with your male friends, but to ask or demand that you get rid of them? NO! Both my husband and I have long-time friends of the opposite sex who we've known longer than we've known each other. It would have been a deal-breaker for me if my husband has asked me to ditch them.

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In all the years you've known him, has he ever had a girlfriend? Does he talk about woman? Could he be gay and in the closet?

Regardless, I think he likes you as a friend, but is not interested in a romantic relationship. If he wanted to date you - he would.

5 moms found this helpful

I have a definite opinion about this, so I apologize in advance if this sounds too harsh.

This has been going on a long time, right? How many other opportunities do you think you've missed because another man probably thinks you and your friend are in a committed relationship? YOU are committed to him, but he's not committed to you.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your sons? Do you want them to be unable to commit when they are adults? It's what they see their mama doing. They need to see how a good man loves and treats a woman.

I truly believe that, while a man and a woman can be friends, they should not spend one-on-one time together. One, in this case YOU, will most likely develop feelings stronger than friendship. Someone will get hurt... again, in this case you, and probably your sons. I'm sure they have bonded with your friend, they want to see him, they're sad when they don't, etc...?

Protect your heart and give yourself a chance to meet someone who is willing to jump in 100%. You shouldn't have to push your feelings away, you should find someone who deserves those feelings and who will return the love. When you do find someone, protect those kiddos, ease them into it... take a looooooong time before you introduce them to a man. I mean serious enough to start talking about marriage before you introduce them.

OK, again, sorry if that was harsh. I was a single mom for nine years, made mistakes and learned a lot from them; most importantly protect the children, model good, healthy relationships for them, and let them see their mama happy.

I wish you the best!

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I'm leaning toward gay. I think his gay friend knows he isn't out and was helping keep his secret. In any event, no telling how many good men have walked right by you while you were waiting for this guy to step up. Try dating someone else and see if he gets jealous. I don't mean pick some random guy to make your friend jeslous, but open yourself up to be available to what's around you. When you find someone you're interested in, let it be known. If he doesn't step up in the face of that! Well, go ahead and enjoy your date! Be a kind and understanding friend to this man that has done the same for you. Let him know it's ok to be himself with you - his whole self. He saw you through your divorce. You can see him through this transition of his.

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Find out what you can about his past and his family. Was he ever molested, abused, abandoned or neglected? I hate to think that way, but there's a reason why he feels he can never be a dad.

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My gaydar tells me he just may be gay. Just ask him, I mean you have been friends for so long. He sounds like a great friend to you. So what if he is gay right! You will find your true love someday. But keep your friend always.....good friends are hard to come by.

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You are receiving some mixed signals from this so I know how frustrating it can be when you have someone in your life who is flirty and nice and generous to a fault. The thing that really concerns me though, is that he told two pretty boldfaced truths that I think you really need to take notice of:

#1 is that he had no problem disconnecting his relationship with you when you had previously inquired about possibility of turning your relationship into a romantic one. And it was only after you texted him and told him that you would rather have him as a friend that have no relationship at all. He's a nice and generous guy to you and your sons but he really hasn't wavered from being more than a friend or possibly your close buddy.

#2 is the fact that he has told you that he can't see himself ever being a father. What he is doing is telling you his truth, what is in his heart. I know that it's a tough pill to swallow but I really think you need to take this at face value. I have learned the hard way that if you don't accept what people are telling you when they say something like that and try to interpret things in a way that is more hopeful for you, it can lead to a whole lot of heartache and wasted time.

When I still single, one thing I learned is that if a guy wants date a girl or get physically close to her, they need little or no encouragement to make that happen. And, honestly, don't you really want to be that kind of guy; the guy that is motivated to make a relationship happen with you and will willingly put himself out there to make it happen with you with little or no prodding from you? You really do deserve to be with that guy once you let this guy go.

Your friend sounds like a really generous guy and some people are just like that. He sounds like he's flirty, he sounds like he a good friend, and it sounds like he gives good gifts but it doesn't sound like he wants to take your relationship beyond the friendship level.

I wish that I could give you more encouraging to hold onto but I don't want you to set yourself for heartache and I don't want you to waste anymore time holding out hope on a guy who just isn't that guy for you.

Please take care and don't give your heart to any guy who is not willing to move hills and mountains just to be with you. I'm sure that you will meet some really great guy someday that will do just that but you need to let this other guy go so that you can send out those "available" signals once again.

Wishing you an abundance of peace and blessings.

3 moms found this helpful

I think he wants to be your friend. He may be sending some mixed signals, but not all of them are mixed. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend and he doesn't want to be step-dad to your kids. He wants to have an emotional but string-free relationship with you. He might get jealous if you have a boyfriend, but I don't think it will be enough to push him to be yours. It will just be a territory thing. He has been as honest with you as he knows how to be, but you keep looking for signs that he wants more. I think he doesn't want more. Take him as a friend and move on, please, because what you've got with him now is all you're ever going to have from him.

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Do you really want to be with a man you can't communicate straight with? Do you want to spend the rest of your life playing some sort of game trying to figure out how he feels? If he is evasive now with his feelings, it won't get any better later. I would ask straight. If he runs, then let him go. It isn't healthy for you or your sons. You are wasting your time and emotions on a man who doesn't respect/love you enough to put your needs ahead of his own insecurities. I'm not saying you should be harsh or mean in any way. But, gently tell him what you have told us and go from there.

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I would approach it from an indirect angle. I think that you two are good enough friends that you could casually ask him if he is seeing (or interested in) anyone romantically... You've already tried the direct route and it alienated him. I would not make the first move again. Ball is in his court. If he wants to be more than friends, he will initiate.

Otherwise, you're single and should start eyeing romantic opportunities... But this guy is your friend.

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I think you need to be direct. You know what you want and it sounds like with all the attention you get from/ give to him you might be making yourself unavailbale to another man who would love to be with you.

Unless you're happy with things continuing a they are, tell him frankly that his behavior is confusing to you and you want to know exactly what he feels for you. Tell him you want to know how he feels, independant of having a relationship with you. For all you've invested in him, you deserve the brute truth.

It might be that he's just an emotionally unavailable guy, that he's terrified of being step-dad (which despite how great he is with kids, might be a deal-breaker for him and you'd have to respect that) or that he really is gay and that friend was covering for him. Maybe he has herpes or ED and he's ashamed. Who knows? But as long as you play along with not talking about it, you'll never find out.

Best of luck to you.

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Interesting. A friend of mine is going through somewhat of the same dilemma, but in her case it's because the guy is almost 20 years younger. He's really loving and attentive, etc., but after months of this we've had to come to the conclusion that he just loves her as a friend, and doesn't even consider anything else because of the age difference (not knowing meanwhile that she is longing for him).

Anyway, when you got to the "gay" part of your post, I went, "oh, of course, that explains it." I still think he's probably gay, even though the other person thinks he's straight as a stick. Maybe he's in denial.

Meanwhile, my friend got the advice that "he needs to be the pursuer," and I think that's probably true. My guess is that, whatever the reason, gay or not, if after all this time your guy hasn't made a move, it's probably not going to happen, and you will just have to settle for a really good friendship, and learn how to keep your feelings in check. I think not talking to you for three weeks is pretty much your answer. Like another mom said, he's not stupid.

If you figure out how to be friends with him while keeping your feelings in check, let me know so I can tell my friend, because she's still working on how to do it (she works closely with the guy too).

Good luck!

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If this guy was a woman would you have questioned the relationship or would you have jsut cherished the fact that you have a good friend. Sometimes we meet people who just want a friendship or platonic relationship. Why does their gender matter?

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He is either struggling with his sexual identity or he's "just not that into you."
Leave him alone and see if he comes after you.

Hope it works out.

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Talk to him ( face to face ). Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels.
Tell him that you don't want to hurt him.
Tell him that if he only wants to be friends only, that's ok but you need to know what's in his heart.
Don't ask him if he's gay. He will tell you when he is ready.
Give him a great big hug. Tell him that if he wants to be close friends only that you don't want him to worry, you will make sure that you choose someone that will respect your friendship.
Tell him that you do love him and that you don't want anything to change between you.

For me, he is gay but he is not ready to tell the world yet.
Remember, you said that he is shy. So give him time. He might be scared to lose you if he tells you that he is gay.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

He is possibly bi but I think definitely gay. If you can get past your feelings then keep him as a friend but stop pursuing more and stop thinking about it. You will only get hurt! I was in love with 2 of my gay nest friends in college and it was always painful.

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Okay, it's been 6 years??? This guy has some major commitment issues. Get out! I know, I know, easier said than done for sure, but really??? This will only continue the way it's going on his terms and that is unfair to you and your boys. It seems to me like he really likes you otherwise why all the time, attention and gifts. BUT...if he's not going to come to terms with his feelings and the situation then he's cheating you all out of a really fabulous life together. Normally I would say if you're okay with the relationship the wya it is, go for it, but it doens't sound like that is the case. He has all the control right now. It's totally up to him as to whether or not you are friends or lovers, not fair!! Why maintain a friendship when that's not truly what you want. I would start to pull back and date other people. He may come around and realize he wants a commmitment and if he does then go for it, but if he doesn't, he probably never will!

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he may be busexual but really likes you. but he knows that you wouldn't feel comfortable dealing with his indecison and he may not want to out your boys through that. he sounds like he may trully has feeling for you and enjoys your freindship but doesn't know which way to go and rather then hurt you make HIS mind up about what he really wants. you may have to pass on the relationship but keep the friendship. sounds like a really great guy though he will be a force to be reckoned with he does decided to get with you. goodluck and i hope you find what you are looking for.

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Except for the many gay friends and possiblity of being gay, this guy reminds me so much of someone I used to know. The same flirty, generousity, lip service to how great you are, but complete lack of committment to defining the relationship as anything more than friendship. AND the conviction he should never be a father. This guy grew up in a bad family situation with a disfunctional father whose actions have greatly affected him. Maybe that's true of your guy. What was almost "sick" with my guy is that he seemed to have an emotional need to establish this type of relationship with many women at the same time. So he constantly had 3-4 women "in love with him" that he could keep as close friends without any pressure to commit. What an ego boost!

I could not agree more with a previous poster who said that you want a man who is willing to move a mountain to be with you and not someone you have to conjole into being with you. It is worlds better. You can spend waaaay too much time (in the words of Rod Stewart) looking "to find a reason to believe," but I am telling you should just get off the crazy train and be open to finding someone whose feelings are clear and devotion to you unquestionable. You might have to cool it a little with the friendship in order to accomplish the emotional break from him that you need.

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If you haven't seen a GF of any sort in 6 years..... There is something off. It's called he's gay, and hasn't come out of the closet! <--- The reason the guy called him straight as a stick. For whatever reason he hasn't been able to let his true self out. And I'm telling you, straight men (not one that I've ever met) do not have "many" gay friends. They typically don't have even one gay friend. Come on, open your eyes. And be ready to accept him as your life long friend, and that is it...

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This is what I would do.......I would let him know how I felt about him ( probably in the form of a letter, so he's not uncomfortable with it face to face ) telling him that I want it to be more than a friendhsip, that I have strong feelings for him, etc. just everything that you feel.
But also I would tell him that you don't want to ruin your friendship with him, you only wanted him to know your feelings for him. That your friendship means everything to you and you want to maintain that.

Now, outside of doing that, I would date . Put yourself out there. Who knows....you may find someone else who makes your heart beat just as much, OR the friend guy changes his mind. :)

Good luck with whatever you decide!

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I knew your friend was gay before I got to the end of your post. He is not ready to come out and is in denial. Most gay men are great friends and you can rely on them for a shoulder to cry on as well as a last minute date to an event. Let it go, have him as a great friend and when looking for Mr. Right make sure he is secure in his sexuality to not be jealous of your relationship with your GBF(gay best friend).

Hi A.,
I say to you ~ just enjoy the friendship. He seems like a really nice guy. Marriage doesn't mean anything, you had your experience. He doesn't sound like he is ready for marriage anyway. Don't question his presents, just except them. He apparently enjoys giving them to you.
And time will tell.
C.

Sounds to me that he may have a secret that does not need to be disclosed and concerned about having a good friend. Just like I tell my children some people are called to be your friend or charge, "never date your charges". Enjoy the friendship for what it has to offer. A good friend is precious don't ruin it. I feel in life we will be accounable for having been a good friend and it seems to me that is what your friend understands. Enjoy the friendship!

He may be afraid of getting involved right now. Take is slowly and just enjoy the time you are together. You never know, one day, he might surrise you. Don't rush things. Let this ride out and enjoy the ride.

Good question. I too would be confused by his actions because they 100% show he truly cares for you and your sons. Have you tried leaving him a letter? Sometimes it helps people that have a hard time with expressing their emotions. If I were in your situation I would express my feelings about him as a friend, boost his self esteem, and express how much you care for him. I would let him know that if he ever want to move to the next level all he has to do is say the word. However, if he truly only cares about you as a friend that is ok as well. But make sure that you express that no matter what his choice you want in him your life. I hope this helps. I look forward to what ever you choose to do. Good Luck!!!!!!

He may be scared of committment in which case he will never admit to having feelings for you beyond friendship. If you truly want to know how he feels, just start dating someone else and see how he reacts. (Or just casually mention to him that you went on a date). Maybe that's not the most "mature" way to handle it but it may be the only way to find out the truth. Good Luck!

it sounds like he has been hurt pretty bad in the past and is scared of having a romantic relationship with anyone! I do agree don't wait around for him to make a move. Let him know where you stand on how you feel towards him but also make sure he understands unless he says he wants more you will be looking out for future dates with other people. After all it isn't fair to you to wait forever and he won't take the next step.

Just be sure to emphasis that you don't want to ruin your friendship but that you want more than just a friend in your life. after all there is a reason they say you don't know what you got until its gone

Seems to me that he just wants to be friends. Keep it that way and do not pressure hm or you will lose a friendship. WHy is it that men and women can't be just friends and leave it at that? Maybe he is asexual and just wants to be alone. Maybe he is gay and still in the closet and wants to keep it that way. Good luck. He sounds like a good friend that you want to keep.