Loss of Baby

I went through this also many years ago. My oldest chid is just turning 17 next week. But about a year before she was born I went through a terrible miscarriage when I was about 4 months pregnant. I was devastated. I think the hardest things were that:

1) I was then a very private person who didn't like getting really emotional in front of people, but this was something so upsetting that I was just a wreck for a few weeks. And when family called to see how me and the baby were, I had to tell them I had miscarried. And deal with the feelings that came up and their response. Horrible! So maybe if someone, like her husband or mom, etc. could handle that job. So she only has to be vulnerable with people she feels really safe and comfortable with.

2)This was like the death of my baby to me. Most other people couldn't see it that way. For most it wasn't really real since it hadn't been born yet (and since I was barely out of my first trimester). Even my husband, couldn't get that this was so beyond thinking you're pregnant and then finding out you're not. So just to validate her own feelings of loss, whatever they may be, could be very supportive.

3)I felt so depressed for a while. And when it was okay to get pregnant again, I couldn't seem to conceive. I felt so worthless. Which sounds crazy as I believe women are SO much more than their ability to conceive! But the frustration of not being able to acheive what I so wanted, in something that seemed to BASIC...was heart wrenching. Now in hindsight I understand that things happen in their own time. I just had to be patient. So I would reassure her that her troubles now don't mean there's no chance she can't get pregnant. And that even if she can't physically conceive, it doesn't mean she can't become a mother through adoption. I firmly believe that our children are connected to us in spirit, and that it doesn't really matter how they come to us in the flesh. They get here how they get here. So they can be with us.

I think she should just give herself some space to grieve, to feel anger and disappointment too. And then she will come to that point where she's ready to start thinking about the future again.

To get involved in some kind of project might help her. ...Something I find really helpful to get me out of a funk is to help someone else. To share my loving kindness with someone else. I myself am a Humane Society volunteer, and giving my love and attention to those sweet little animal babies gives me such a lift. Talk about feeling appreciated! And it gets me out of dwelling on my problems -- which seems to elevate me to a more positive, constructive frame of mind.

:-)

Dear M.,

This is a really hard one. You are right about it being beyond the normal hurts of life. I started loosing babies when I was about her age, and it continued until I stopped trying to have my 'own' children at about the age of 29. My problem was called spontaneous abortion, and I lost 5 babies. It was really bad, and caused a lot of pain and suffering, and depression. It was a long time ago , as I am 76 years old now. But I remember many days of crying and sadness and trying so hard to understand what was happening to me and why. The same thing happened to my sister, she stopped at 3 miscarriages, and we both began to talk about adopting children.

We never really did find out why this had happened to both of us, but maybe in these days they have better after care and counseling than we were given. The doctors just told us to go home and rest and not try to get pregnant for a year. Which seemed an eternity to each of us. I do remember that vividly. I pray that the doctors will be kinder to your friend than they were to us. Of course, now, we have the internet and can take some of our questions there.

We did adopt our children and had a glorious time with them as babies, and growing up. It was the best time of my life and I am so grateful to have been given these two wondrous children, now adults, of course. I love them to the very depths of my soul and, as we now say to each other "I love you to the sky and beyond." I have a wonderful grandchild - one of my children did not have any children of his own. My daughter gave me a great soul as a grandson, and he is turn has given me the best gift that anyone could every have - three great grandchildren, who are the angels of my life.

It was really, really hard on me in the beginning of losing babies, but I did survive, how, I do not know, but I did. From the depths of sorrow to the heights of joy, and it took a lot of years, and was worth every tear.

My sister and her husband adopted one beautiful baby girl and she now has a glorious grand daughter who is in the last year of high school .... beautiful and brilliant, of course.

So there you are, that is all I know. Except that when we were continually losing babies, people started to blame us. Why? Who knows? People are mean sometimes, and that was the cruelest. So, she might be prepared for that and therefore protected by knowing ahead of time that it may happen. I felt that it was not only cruel, but ignorant. And, that knowledge helped me brush off those comments. Also, likely, they helped strengthen me and give me independence that I needed to develop.

NOW that is all I know. Sincerely, C. N.

Like the other ladies said, the best thing you can do is to be her friend! Be there for her, let her know it is ok to talk to you and your there to support her and listen. I lost my pregnancy about 1 1/2 months ago and i was 13 weeks along. My bf wasn't that great about being there for me because even though i was already 13 weeks he didn't look at it like we lost a baby as i did (it had little feet and toes already). I think worst thing i had people ask me over and over was "are you ok?". No i wasn't ok and i still have my days, a simple "i'm sorry for your loss, is there anything you need or i'm here to listen" would have been better than "are you ok?". I know everyone deal with loss differently, some women don't want to be around other babies after a loss so that is something you might want to be sensitive to. She is in my thoughts!

Hi M..
I am so sorry for the loss your friend is going through. I went through a miscarriage after five years of trying and was devastated. People will say alot of stupid things to her (they think they are helping) and then some poeple just won't talk to her about it because they don't know what to say.

It sounds like she is lucky to have you as a friend. My best piece of advice is to just be there for her when she needs you. Let her know it's OK to cry and feel the loss. She will be very emotional for awhile and will need your support and love. Let her cry, scream, whatever she needs to do express herself. One of the things that helped me the most was I went ahead and named my baby that I had lost and it helped me grieve for my loss.

I wrote a letter to the baby and I still have it. I also wrote a letter to GOD and let him know how disappointed I was and how hurt. It is something I will always have and it really did help me recover from the loss.

Understand she will always morn the loss of her baby and she will never forget, but the pain will lessen and she will move on. I still take an hour on the day my baby was supposed to be due and just sit and remember. Hopefully she will get to have another child. My docs also told me I probably wouldn't conceive again, and guess what, I have had two beautiful and healthy children since then.

Good luck, and she and you will be in my prayers.

With kindness,
K.

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your friend's loss. My sister also has been told she could never have babies naturally. She does have 1 son by IVF. Well, about 9 months ago, she found out she was pg naturally. She was so excited. They found the heartbeat at 6 weeks, and then at 10, nothing. She also had to have a d&c. I found the best thing to do is to just let her know you are there for her if she needs anything, and always a shoulder to cry on. Some things NOT to say...It was God's will, you can try again, things happen for a reason...NONE of these things ever brought my sister comfort and just made her upset. I really think just letting her know you are thinking about her, and there for her goes a long way.

It is so hard, but just be a friend to her - that's what she needs - the loss isn't going away... I lost two babies before I had my first - my ex-husband was told he could never have a child - - - after 2 years of trying we finally made a baby strong enough to survive - she is now 17 and the light of my life.... I ended up re-marrying and having baby #5 any day!!!

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend's baby. I lost my 15 month old daughter in March of 2006. Since then I started a non-profit for bereaved parents. I have a lot of information on my site and also links to other sites. The website is www.angelwingparents.org . I hope this helps and my thoughts and prayers are with your friend.

I am so sorry to hear about your friends loss. I can completely understand. I lost my first child at 7 months in utero. It was purely devastating. All of our friends had very young babies at home, and so they all separated from us because they didn't know what to do for us. I can you tell you that IS NOT the thing to do, because it makes the friend feel like she did something wrong. Be there for her, but be considerate and leave your little one at home. Some things not to say are things such as "you are young, you can try again", "God does things for certain reasons", etc. I couldn't believe the things that were said to me when I lost our son. I am sure some of the things were said not to mean anything, but when you are hurting this much, things said can be taken out of context. You don't want to imply in any way that it is God's fault, because she may be blaming him already; you don't want to imply that the baby was any less important than a child that is born full term, etc. Just be overly sensitive, and encourage her to talk when she is ready. It took me about three months to get out of my 'funk' and finally pursued counseling, and it helped me immensely. It also helped me to be able to deal better with our second loss-at 7 weeks. We were very lucky to be blessed with our son who was conceived via IVF, who will be one in August. good luck and I will keep her in my prayers.
-M.

I went through the same thing 3 years ago. I went in for my first appt. and they couldn't find the heartbeat, she said it was normal to sometimes not find the heartbeat that early along (11 weeks) she did an ultrasound. Everything was there except for the baby. She said from the look of it I lost the baby at 7 weeks. I had no symptoms of a miscarriage I had pregnancy symptoms. I was devastated. A couple of days later they did the D&C. I couldn't stop crying, I kept trying to think of something I did that would of caused it. Everyone was comforting me and telling me all sorts of things, but in the end I felt I had to deal with it in my own way. They were there for me and that made me feel better. I still think about it and it upsets me but I have accepted that it happened and that God does things for a reason, whether we like it or not. 8 months later I got pregnant again, I was scared out of my mind that it would happen again, thank God it didn't I have a beautiful 18 month old boy now. All I can tell you is to be there for her and listen to her and comfort her. In her own time she will be okay, she needs to grieve and cry. She will be okay.

Wow, i don't really know what to say, just try to be there, I am sure she will have good and bad days. it usually helps just to know that someone supportive is there. I will keep her in my prayers.
- when I saw ur name I thought it was my daughters name! Her name is Mia L =) God bless you an your friend.

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. Respect that she will go through all phases of loss and back again. Although her pregnancy was only two months, duration has no bearing on the feeling of loss. A new life was real to her. Her hopes, dreams and plans were ripped from her and she never got to hold her baby.

I miscarried with my first pregnancy. The worst thing I heard from several people was that I'll have plenty of other chances to get pregnant again. That's the last thing I wanted to hear because it just glossed over the fact that I was in pain and suffering a real loss. Not to mention that I really didn't have a lot of hope to get pregnant again. Time doesn't heal this loss. Nor does another pregnancy.

The best thing I did for myself was to purchase several outdoor plants and I created a garden in my baby's honor. Tending the garden, watering, weeding and just admiring the plants as they have grown helped me greatly.

2 years later, I was able to get pregnant (naturally w/o fertility treatment) and I still love tending my garden. Tending the garden during this pregnancy has helped me get through the anxiety and fear of possibly having another miscarriage. I had a place to go and meditate and honor the life that was within me and pray for the new life and new beginnings. Luckily, everything is going very well, baby is healthy and I'm healthy and I have just two more months to go.

I send much love and compassion to your friend.

I was about 11 weeks when I miscarried...and it was the hardest thing i have ever had to go through...I went through a bad bout of depression and anxiety that i still till this day deal with. I thought I was ok with it but apparently I wasnt. Just make sure she is doing well...Talk to her about her feelings on it and make sure she knows its not her fault...its really hard to know where someone is coming from and how they may feel being its not you going through it so just be there for her and if she needs help or counseling...support her through it all...My blessings are with her...

A.

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your friends baby. She is very blessed though to have a friend like you. I lost my first son, when I was 27 weeks along. The greatest gift my friend did for me was listen. She was there to listen to my story and feelings over and over and over. Now that I look back on it, I must have driven her crazy but she just listened. You don't need to have fancy words or clever pieces of advice, she will get that from everyone else. Just be there to listen to her.
CZ

My name is F. and I too at age 24 was pregnant. At 12 weeks went in for an Ultrasound and they could not detect a heartbeat. I was devistated, but thought I am still young and will happen for me. My husband and I had problems over the years and were seperated then divorced. I met my second husband at age 34 and tried to have a family, but was told that I could never conceive as I had premature ovarian failure meaning my body does not produce eggs. After two years of marriage, I got pregnant and miscarried, then after another 2 years of infertility I was blessed with twins now 16 months old.

My prayers are with your friend. Please tell her to take her time to deal with the heartache but not to let it consume her as life throws us curves but with the grace of God he gets us back on the right path. Good thing will happen.

Medical Science has come along way and there are so many posibilities. I forgot to mention that I had to use an egg donor for my kids. I was able to carry just not conceive.

Hello M.,

I am sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I have two wonderful kids a boy and a girl and their ages are 24 year old son and a 5 year old girl but I had 3 miscarriages before my daughter and on after. I never gets any better having such a loss and it is very hard to hear those words that come out of family and friends mouths to try to comfort, but it still hurts. You can just be there for her and show her how much you care and I hope she has a wonderful husband to pull her out of the sorrow. It takes lots of time and my husband kept me very busy and loved me the hardest in those trying times. I just wanted to be by myself and he would not let me fall out of of our busy life, not totally anyway.
Even though I know things happen for a reason and God has plans for us. It was still hard to hear it was meant to be or some of the other well meaning stuff.
Just take her back to the days of many happy times in your lives. Good luck on School. My little girl just started Kindergarten, so I can imagine your little girl keeps you
pretty. I am sorry to hear about your separation which is very hard too. Hang in there. It gets better. I was a single Mom for 10 years starting when my son was two and a half. I started College and I loved it but it was a lot of work. It paid off though. This husband is a Gem. We just celebrated our 11th Anniversay June 8th. I wish you and your friend many prayers and good thoughts.
Sometimes it is better to let her talk about her loss and use you or whom ever she feels safest with as a sounding board. She will feel better faster if she can talk about this baby as not being erased but as someone she will see someday. I can say that now but I love the thought of meeting my kids in heaven one day. My 3rd miscarriage I lost my Dad within two weeks of my loss, but my Dad is in heaven taking care of my babies.
R. in Tracy

M.,
I went through this a little over 2 yrs ago, my baby would have been 2 years old this month. I lost my baby when I was 9 weeks along, I was trying to get pregnant so I was doing everything my doctor told me too. Regarding vitamins and not taking any medications that could be harmful etc especially since I was 37 yrs old at the time. I was doing just fine until I started bleeding a little and I went to the doctor right away and his partner/father examined me and told me he didn't know if I was losing the baby but to go back home and try to rest. Well I was not put on bed rest just told to take it easy I lost the baby 2 days later on Dec 5, 2005. I was so devastated that my then 13 yr old daughter (only child) got so scared of what my reaction was that she called 911 to get me help. I told my daughter that the only thing that would help me is to be allowed to grieve for my loss the way that feels right for me. Once I was finished crying and asking why me, I picked myself up and thought about trying again. However, it hasn't happened and I'm not pushing it. Your friend no matter what her age has to go through this her way ask her what she needs if she's even knows, she will tell you. And if she doesn't just let her know you are there for her whenever she needs to talk, cry whatever she needs. And only God knows who will and will not have kids, doctors aren't always right. God Bless you and your friend. I hope my experience helps even though I'm not the same age as your friend.
W. H.