Losing the Battle

S., I have 3 children one that is almost 3, and I have worked with toddlers/preschoolers with behavior/parenting issues. Try being proactive vs reactive. You can look up positive guidance on the internet and find a vast amount of information on ways to intervene before an undesired behavior happens. Some easy things to do are offer two acceptable choices, redirect/distract, ignore some behaviors that do not harm others or himself, avoid saying "no" all the time(use I statements instead)-example, "I don't like it when you hit" instead of "No hitting", offer appropriate alternatives-example "touch softly" "keep your feet on the floor" (instead of "no standing ont the table" or "jump on the floor please" instead of "no jumping on the couch").
If a behavior does occur and the other strategies don't work use logical, immediate, natural consequences. These make more sense to the child than time out or other unrelated punishements. For example, if the child throws food, you take the food, (you should give one warning "If you throw your food again, mommy has to take it") if the child kicks you while you are holding him put him down and say "I can't hold you when you kick because it hurts me". It is important to give children specific but breif reasons for things that are not exceptable. Depending on your child's receptive communication skills you can give more information. Statements like "I don't like it when you scream/yell, it hurt's my ears" really help kids develop empathy for others and realize how their behavior effects others in a practical way.
Battling it out with a 3 year old is not practical -they want independence but need limits. We are smarter than them and can promote compliance by giving them some control.
Good luck and please research positve guidance to see if you can find research and other professionals' ideas to find what works for you.
V. E

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LOL! I have a 3yr. old son as well and thought I survived the terrible two's..well no one told me that three was the new two.
My son starting hitting me when he gets mad, he throws terrible fits when we go to a store and he does not get what he wants, and he started telling little lies.For instance- he wrote on the bed sheets and said he did not do it..finally he said well I did it but the pencil told me too. LOL!
If I yell at him, he yells back which in my opinion is teaching him to yell.
If I send him to his room this usually works because he does not like to be in his room. But what do you do when you are out in public??
The only thing that works with my son is his father telling him to behave..which really upsets me.
I know I have been no help..but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Let me know if you find something that works.

D.

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I've raised 3 boys and they all have pulled this stuff when younger. I got more results by just simply walking away and pretending that it was not happening. That made them stop quicker and realize those tantrums brought "no" attention. Try it, it might work!
J B

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Dear S.,

Lord help us with those little boys! I know it's not popular to make an identity gender related but it just seems like the boys usually raise a little more cain!

I wanted to ask if you've tried a reward system. My little one is only 4 months right now but I've been reading a lot (especially here on Mamasource!) and I've read some great ideas on reward systems. With a three year old I'm sure you'd want to stick with something simple for him to understand. Maybe a jar half-filled with brightly colored somethings. When he's good, more get added to the jar. When he's bad, some get taken away. If he ends the day with a full jar, some kind of small reward, getting to watch you're favorite movie during family time, a special desert after dinner, or something like that. You'll probably want to acknowledge any kind of good behavior through out the day. Make a big deal of getting to put another something in the jar. Of course you'll probably need to start off with a small jar, let him achieve the reward a few times and then soon you can up the size of the jar, tell him he's getting to be a big boy and now you're expecting more good behavior from him. If he ends the week with more full jars than not full jars a big weekly reward. If he ends the day with less in the jar than when he started, some kind of consequence, loosing a favorite toy seems to be the best motivator. Hope this helps.

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I read a great book by John Rosmond called, "making the terrible twos terrific." It works for older toddlers/kids too. With tantrums, he says that it's unrealistic to expect your toddler to not have them, it's part of them becoming independent. But he says to give them a place - say the laundry room, bathroom, etc where they can go and have their tantrums. You just say, "Johnny, I understand you're mad and that you want to scream, but we don't have tantrums here. Let's go to your crying place (holding his hand and leading him). You can come out when you're all done having your fit"

Best of luck!

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I highly recommend Dr. Sears Discipline book. 3 year olds I think in general are just frustrating :) I have a 5 1/2 year old, a 4 year old and 2 year old. My 4 year old boy right now is trying to say the least! They are struggling to be independent and yet want to still be attached. They are learning SO much, and don't have control of their emotions yet. It's completely normal to have tantrums and cry and scream, and it's good for them to know that they CAN let it out. At the same time, modeling appropriate responses for them helps - showing them how to beat the couch to release their frustration instead of hitting you, or yelling into a pillow, or having a room that's their "scream room" can help. Distraction can work, or just acting crazy silly to diffuse a situation. They need to know it's OKAY to get mad or upset, but that there are ways to vent that frustration. And being firm and consistent is key. If they know that mom will ALWAYS say no to whatever it is, then eventually they will get it and not do that any more. It takes a LOT of repetition, but eventually it will sink in :)

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There is a great book called "1,2,3 Magic" (I think that's the name). It may seem like it won't work but the key is complete and utter consistency (that is the most difficult part).

Wish I knew of a Super Nanny...she'd be wealthy!

Good luck,
L.

Hi S.,
Just ride the waves!! Its all normal and (I think) everyone feels that way when the terrible 2's and 3's hit!! I had the easiest most mild mannered child and when he hit 3 it all went south but the good news is it doesnt last forever and now is the time to be consistent in whatever disciplining you want to do. Nothing seems to work now but it will later on when he starts understanding 'cause and effect' and then he will realize when I act like 'this' I will get 'that' punishment. I always, did time out at first and then if he wouldnt respond to that he went to his room and if he tried to run out....I sat at the door until his time was up but I always explained why I put him there. Now my 6 year old is very well behaved and def. knows what will happen when he is naughty which is very very rare. I have a one year old now that will probably test me alot more, she is much more feisty than he ever was, so I will probably be writing yall for advice in a year or two....who knows ;-))))
Goodluck! You are not alone!!

My soon to be 3 year old son also throws the worst tantrums. He also screams at his 8 and 9 year old brother and sister if they do not do what he says. We have tried patting his butt(he wears a diaper)or putting him in his chair in the corner of the living room. He mostly just laughs. He thinks it's a game. He gets up and starts yelling at the kids again. He can be the sweetest little boy at times, but then he also thinks he is the King of the house. I too wish I knew Super Nanny!!

Im not sure how old u r but u sound like this may be ur 1st child. well i have 2 boys 8 & 6, and U MUST assume a postion of Power within urself 1st and then with ur son. how he treats u will lay the foundation upon which he will treat all women throughout his life..so u must go old school and do as it is say in the bible and 'not spare the rod'becuz then u truly will spoil the child.. mine still 'try the drama'with me and i will raise my voice loudest, State My Authority Has The Mother, get alllll up in his face, grab him by the shirt collar and Let him know that his energy is unacceptable!! Become the SuperMom that u r seeking...whatever u need is in u . and this is not merely a issue 4 him. it is the opp. for u 2 take the power over ur life as well....I send u Warrior Mother Instincts!!!take control b4 he settles into a tantrum throwing 13 y/o

It seems that as soon as a child turns three years old, someone flips a switch somewhere and it doesn't matter how good they were before, the battle of the wills between Mommy and baby, begins....
There really isn't any way to stop it. I've been through it twice and in about two years will be hitting it for the third time. Just be consistant with your disipline, even if it doesn't seem like it is working. Both my older kids hit a day when they were 4 years old, were someone decided to flip the switch again and they once again were the wonderful children I knew they could be.
When it comes to the tantrums, walk away and ignore him. Before long, he will realize it's a wasted effort and stop.

S. -

First things first - you are the best mom there is for you son and no one knows him like you do. You probably already know what you should do, but sometimes being so close to a situation you just can't see it at the moment. There is much wisdom in some of the advice below. It won't last forever. However, how you deal with it now will significantly impact the years that follow. A three year old child must be taught in no uncertain terms that you are the parent and he is to obey you. This requires thorough training on what you expect his behavior to be as well as consistent consequences when he doesn't tow the line. Make sure that you are only giving him freedoms that a three year old child should have. You might also want to restrict the number of decisions he has to make, which will help him submit to your authority more quickly. It will be a battle, that's for sure, and a battle that must be won.

At this age MOST children don't really get the whole time out thing...note I said most. There are always exceptions to this rule. While they are young, you need to train them to obedience. Sometimes that requires a spanking or swat to get their attention. As long as discipline is done in love, rather than anger, it has the desired effect (& does not teach them to be violent or hit others - I can testify to that fact). I had five children within a 6 year time period. Due to the training we invested during the early years, we get compliments on their behavior, manners and character all the time. One of our parenting goals is that our children would be a joy to others, as well as to each other. My youngest is currently three years old and has tested the limits more than any other child (I think that's his job since he's the youngest). Invest the time now to teach your son self control (if interested I can offer some training methods), which will pay off greatly for both of you in the future (in school, church, the mall, etc). We literally could go to a five star restaurant with all of our children (now ages 9,8,6,5,3) and would have a lovely time. It is possible.

God bless you! I wish you much success in training your little boy! Warmly - J.

I hope someone has some suggestions because my three year old is doing the same thing.

Many ((hugs)). Personally I don't see tantrums as something that needs to be controlled. They're going to happen because toddlers get frustrated easily. Once he's finished get on his level and ask what it was about and why he was mad. It's okay to get mad. Check out Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting or look into the Montessori method. Make sure he's active and engaged all day. (that doesn't mean you have to act as his camp director all day-see Montessori) Giving him more choices throughout the day can also help end the battling. IE-"You can help mommy make a salad for dinner, or see how many blocks you can stack." Also, undirected play time that encourages his imagination could be helpful.