Looking for Validation for the Way I Feel;

I can only tell you my experience: I quit a full-time job that I loved to be with my children when they were born. I eventually went back to the same job part-time and had the best of both worlds.

Money was tight and my husband kept telling me to get a "better paying" secretarial job (which is what I was originally trained in) but I had done that and there is NO WAY I could be happy doing that.

I told my husband I'd rather make less and enjoy what I'm doing than be unhappy making more money in a job I didn't like. MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING...and there are ways to increase income without sacrificing yourself or your family!

I eventually went back full-time to the job that I had loved but I have changed so much over the 8+ years I stayed home with my girls and now I find myself unhappy again because I can't be with them more. I'm thinking of going back part-time.

It sounds like you are feeling negative emotion because you are fighting against something that you want. It's not a matter of what you think you SHOULD do but what you WANT to do. What would make you happy? Money doesn't make you a better parent.

Allow yourself to have what you want and don't let others make your decisions. Find ways to cut back spending at home if that is what you have to do. Find a way to make a little extra online or at home (be careful of scams) - I make goat milk soap and sell mineral makeup.

The money will be there when you need it. :)

I would make a pro and con list for all aspects. Make a list for the pros & cons for yourself (ie. job enjoyment etc.), and another list for your family. You can have some of the same things on both lists but if you do it this way it will help you see what is best for you seperate from what is best for everyone else. Sometimes moms tend to forget about themselves making decisions that much more difficult.

I know it's been a while since you posted the question, but I thought I'd add my two cents. You're not abnormal. (Or rather, not any more abnormal than everyone else -- no one's normal when you get down to it, are we?) Everyone faces difficult choices, and (most) everyone worries at some point that their decisions will hurt the people they care about. It sounds to me like you're giving this opportunity a lot of careful consideration, and weighing the potential consequences of a difficult decision in a level-headed, systematic way.

Please don't beat yourself up about this -- or anything (isn't motherhood hard enough?)! J., you are a caring and conscientious mother who's actively engaged in your family's health and welfare. My opinion is that "what's best for your family" is YOU. It sounds to me like the choice you're facing, though very difficult, is between two (or more) good things, rather than two bad ones. Whatever decision you make, there will probably be moments when you feel it was the wrong one, moments when you regret what you gave up. Let those moments come -- because you can't prevent them -- and then *let them go*. You're doing great, and five, ten, or twenty years from now you'll still be doing great (but probably facing some *other* seemingly-insurmountable issue ... but hey, that's life).

Hi J.,

I was in the same position 6mos ago. I decided to stay home with my now 1 year old baby girl. I tried going back to work when she was 4mos. old, it was a nightmare! My baby was constantly sick, I missed a lot of work; good daycare service is expensive and so are the doctor and rx bills. I made good money, but it was all going on daycare and medical expenses. My baby was infected with the RSV virsus and was constantly getting a ear infections. My degree is not going anywhere, a job ( planning on a part-time position) will be waiting for me somewhere when my child is old enough for kindergarden. Yes, I had to cut out my "mad money" but it is ok, I am home enjoying my beauiful, healthly baby girl and providing a clean home and home cooked meals for my son and husband. I am 40yrs old and have no regrets so far. I will confess, it did bother me a bit at first having my husband be the only one bringing home the bacon, but I got over it. My days a very full and my children (and husband) are thriving.

Good Luck and just listen to your heart!
K. R.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be home more!!!
I loathe that we live in a society which would down a mother for wanting to mother her children--or to be a homemaker...It hurts my heart.
The pros and cons list sounds good to me, also.
Blessings,
H.
PS: If it's money you're worried about, it comes from God--just ask.

Sometimes we have to be away from our families in order to take care of them. If the increased income will be very beneficial to the family, it may be your best option. My husband volunteered to go overseas because he knew he could get a guaranteed paycheck to take care of his family. We have been without him for the past 6 months (except for 2 weeks he was able to come home) and he still has 5 months to go. It's been hard for my daughter & I to be without him, but I know he is doing his best for our family.

Weigh your pros & cons (as others have mentioned) and see what will be best for your family.

Would the extra gas costs, and any additional new costs (lunches, wardrobe, childcare) render your increased income moot? (Keeping in mind that the price of gas is slated to go up to as much as $8/gallon.)

Would this new job be lay-off-proof? Is your current job lay-off-proof? My husband had to think about this when considering finding another, higher-paying position. He works in the state university system, and feels secure that, even in a real nose-dive economy, won't be laid off or fired. So, even if his job doesn't pay (near!) as much as he deserves, we're sticking with the university.

Something else to consider: are there ways you and your family could cut costs? Have you examined your budget? You might find that savings might even come to a greater amount than an increased income, after subtracting the new expenses that come with it.

Just thought I'd add these hidden variables. They can really surprise you! We recently figured out that our habit of buying snacks when we run errands, and the lunches my husband buys out when he forgets to brown bag the leftovers, come to about $50 a month! Then we looked at our meals. A vegetarian rice-and-beans dinner (using dried beans, even better!, at about 89 cents per pound) or bean-based vegetarian soup or stew comes to maybe $2.00 for the whole family. (Meat costs a lot of money and you can do without.)

About using your degree and gaining experience in your specialty field: is there some way you can do this from home? Writing and submitting articles to relevant publications? Doing consulting work? I've been so impressed by what some mothers have come up with in order to stay close to their children.

While admittedly (and obviously, I guess :) a proponent for having at least one parent home with the child, your daughter has had the benefit of having you close for five years. You might feel that at least she had that, and feel at peace about that, and also you might consider that if you are growing intellectually and feeling challenged, and can share the benefits of this with your daughter, talking about what you are doing, this is good for her, too.

My two cents.

L.

Well, J., when you add up all the additional costs of fuel, childcare, wear & tear on your vehicle, etc unless you're making a small fortune will you really be adding to the income? Then there is the additional stress - both physical and emotional and it will affect all members of your family.

Why not look for a home-business? It's what I've done for 14 years now. At least you'll be home, and there are many tax breaks that you don't get by working for someone else.

Best of luck,
~V~

That's nonsense!!!! If your family needs the financial help and you have the chance to provide it then do it. It would make no sense not to. I also understand you don't want to be away from your family more than you already are, but on the same token, you must do what is best for your family and yourself. Right now my opinion would be that you are sort of being selfish because your family needs the financial help and you can provide it but you don't want to because of how you would feel. Your children will grow to understand that you have to do what you have to do to provide for them not only nice gifts for christmas and birthdays, but also a roof over their heads, food in their mouths and nice clothes on their backs. They will understand when you start to make more money and you can do more for them and still maintain the household. They will grow to love the transition from the job that you currently have now to the one that will pay you more money. Just wait and see, and my opinion is for you to stop thinking about how you will feel as a result of you changing jobs and start thinking about your husband and children. You said in your message that you can tell that your hubby wants you to take the better paying job so why are you not trying to make him along with your kids happy? (think about it and i hope you make the right decision for your family's best interest and stop thinking about yourself). I hope you don't take this as i am fussing at you but that is just what i would be thinking if i were in your shoes and at one point i was and it all worked out for the better for me and my children are young. They are 7,5,&4 and they understood when i brought home more money for them to be able to get the nice shoes and clothes and go to chuck-e-cheese and other fun places that my hubby and i couldn't afford to take them to before.

I can completely identify with how you feel. You must do what's in your child's best interest, whether that be taking more income or staying close to home to be with her. As long as you do what is in her best interest how can you go wrong. =) My solution to this problem was to join the early childhood education field. I was able to work full time at whatever daycare they attended and still spend the maximum amount of time near them. Of course the financial reward was not there, but it allowed me to be productive and cover our basic needs and still be with them as much as possible. That's what I call peace of mind. They are all off to school now, the youngest started the attending Head Start program this year. That frees me up during school hours to do something other than Early Childhood Education now. They've benefited from having me so close and I know that whatever I've instilled in them will usually carry them through my absence.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works well for you and your husband. Be well!