Looking for Suggestions on House Rules

I like that you asked for suggestions and not recommendations. Every house is so different--especially in that the parents are very different in what kinds of order, etc. that they value. So I would feel intimidated trying to tell you what I think would be good for you. But suggestion I can do, because I know of a book--it's actually a coloring book--called The 21 Rules of This House. Here it is on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Original-21-Rules-This-House/dp/092....

I would add a note about the use of rules. Rules are very good for outlining a framework of behavior. They can help communicate the model of behavior that we would like to see. But be careful about expectations. Rules themselves do not have any power to cause anyone to behave better. Remember the 10 commandments? So just remember that, as the phrase goes, "rules were made to be broken". Then you won't get too emotional when you find it hard to get people to keep them all. And remember that even when they aren't keeping them, they are still learning what they are and will always know how they should act. I will close with a quote from my VERY contemplative 10-year-old yesterday. It cracked me up. "Mom, have you ever heard of the phrase 'we should be ashamed of ourselves?'" Me: "Yeah" Him: "Have you ever heard anyone say 'we ARE ashamed of ourselves?'" Hmmmmmmmmmmm........

I think crimes of the mouth are the biggest problem with young kids (and some adults) today. People are increasingly rude, and very few stop to think before they speak. It seems people just speak or respond to others based on how they're feeling at the moment. Everyone knows a mean word can send waves of discord throughout the house for hours to come.

So one house rule should be "if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all."

You mentioned scriptures...I just bought this great little series of Christian virtues books for children on super-sale for a limited time at www.christianbook.com. They are great! They may also help you come up with ideas for your house rules...and scriptures to apply as well. It was a popular little series I remembered from when I was a kid, and they have made a come back by popular demand. It's called "God I need to talk to you about...." series by Dan Car and Susan K. Leigh.

They're great for kids ages 3 to 8. But anyone can benefit from the messages. They deal with topics including; lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, good manners, hurting people's feelings, resepecting others, good sportsmanship, etc. Each features a short story, how a problem was resolved or lesson was learned from a spiritual/biblical perspective, and even gives bible quotes that applies to the message being taught. Most stories are about 10 to 20 pages long and are in paperback. I think there are 20 titles in all, and normally they cost $5 a copy, but right now you can get them at .69 cents a copy...back to school special

L.,

Keep the list positive. Try not to have all "don'ts," but phrase the behavior you want the opposite way so it's a "do." (Remember the 10 commandments have some "thou shalts" as well as "thou shalt nots".)

Involve the kids in the rules. We called a family council and everyone contributed ideas to what they wanted included. I had to change the wording and order some, but their ideas were in there.

We also made a "family motto" and "family mission statement" which was an idea from Steven Covey's book "7 Habits of Highly Successful Families." His point was that every successful business has a mission statement, why should families be different if we want them to be successful? We had a great time putting ours together and got ideas from all the children - even our 3 year old. We created a family crest around it, printed nice copies to frame on the wall and printed the family crest and motto on t-shirts for everyone. It strengthend our family loyalty and identity.

Good luck,
S.

One thing that has worked really well for us is to involve our two kids in developing the lists. What I have done is to get a large sheet of paper and some crayons and then come together to "brainstorm" ideas. Each person has the opportunity to contribute, including you (so you can ensure your priorities are on the list.

It has really helped to get the kids on board and committed to the "rules" for us.

I got a great idea from an expert on the subject (though admittedly have not gotten it together to actually do it)to pick maybe the five most important rules, write them on a large piece of poster board and find or draw appropriate pictures with your children to illustrate the rules. Then, when your child breaks a rule, you can take him over to the chart and ask him which rule he broke. That will give him a sense of control as well, lessening his frustration at getting the kaibash on his "illegal" activity. Your daughter may feel a little too grown-up for this type of rule chart, but she can "help" by reinforcing the good behavior posted for your son, thus maybe following the rules more herself. I hope this makes sense!

The best rule to live by is the Golden Rule, I believe. Treat others as you wish to be treated. It's hard for a lot of people to see just how effective that rule is, but I try to live by it as much as I possibly can. In fact the Golden Rule covers a lot of things by itself: lying, leaving a mess, being polite, helping each other, asking permission, and much more. I would still spell things out for the kids though.

Other rules I would post in my house:
-be polite and respectful to one another
-offer help to each other
-When you're done with something, it goes back where it belongs [not just toys, but especially toys! This can apply to books, backpacks, shoes, laundry, dishes, the cordless phone, etc]
-I agree with the previous poster- If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. It would be better if it was reworded "if you can't say something respectfully, don't say anything at all" because sometimes the truth needs to be told and it may not be nice...like if someone decides to do a really crazy hairdo and it is just not right and something needs to be said- in a respectful way- NOT "oh my god what is wrong with your hair?!". however respect is a tough concept to grasp for kids so for now you could stick with the original.
-Tell the truth
-No dessert if you don't eat your veggies and drink your milk. It really is a great rule.
-Bed time is at ______. This one may be different for each kid and may change over time but it's good to have it posted as a rule to remind them, and to remind you to stick to it if you're letting them stay up too late at times
-Making a chore chart to go alongside the other rules would be good...I think because of their age you could have them stick to the same things each week. The 3 year old can make his bed, sort his clothes and put them in his dresser, take out any garbage from smaller trash cans in the house like from the bathrooms, and work alongside you with other chores. The 9 year old can pretty much do everything but maybe not quite ready to do the dishes completely...so you would have to pick a couple that you think she can handle weekly.
-Ask permission before borrowing something
-If you have hurt someone in any way, even if by accident, apologize AND make up for it.
-Everyone has a right to their own opinions.
-Homework is done first
-We will all have a meal together around a table _____times a week. This will probably change a lot, and I would suggest posting a "family meal schedule" every week or every two weeks and make no exceptions. Family is the first priority. As the mom you know everything that is going on and what's happening on what days so you would have to plan it carefully to have success. Obviously it would be good if it was every meal but with different schedules and as the kids get older and are in sports and other activities and when they get to be teenagers it will be much more difficult. It's still so important though

That's all I can think of right now but I will be watching for the responses! I need to make a list too

You didn't say how much input the family is having in the house rules you're creating, but I think you'll get a lot more compliance if the family together, as a team, talks about why we have rules and how each person benefits from them, and what rules will be useful.

Also, I know one family who made a long list of things that needed to be done around the house and assigned points to each thing. Each member of the family could choose whatever they wanted from the list and do that job to earn those points. They had to have a certain number of points each week to get their privileges. The parents always earned their points easily, because there is so much that parents do, and the kids had to scramble to earn enough. It really helped the kids to develop an appreciation for how much their parents did for them, and to understand what it takes to run a home.