Looking for Some Parenting Advice

We put a filter on our computers because of the garbage that's out there. It doesn't allow access to groups/clubs, chat rooms, forums, and definitely myspace. Some people think it's a bit extreme, but my 13 year old son doesn't need to be seeing half naked (if not worse) women on myspace. Their computer time is also very limited. We use Hedge Builders http://www.hedgebuilders.com/ . They're prices are great and it's strict. Just using Yahoo email, it blocks the Victoria's Secret ads. :o) You get a free 2 week trial to test it before buying it. I know it only treats the symptom, but it's a start.

Well, I don't have a 12 year old daughter, but I do have a 12 year old sister that I watch afterschool. There is absolutely NO reason she should have a myspace account. I have one, but I'm 24 and it's to talk to friends. Have you ever seen Dateline's "To Catch a Predator"? They have girls pose as 12-15 year olds and catch men trying to have sex with them. These men know that they are young girls and still try to meet with them. I can imagine what could be going on if she's saying she's 18. And she has a cell phone. What for? She's 12. Is she really anywhere that you couldn't get in touch with her? She is going to continue to push these boundaries until you put an end to this nonsense. She is taking advantage of you and it will only get harder as she gets older. You need to block your computer because she is not being responsible with her freedom. I would search her room, too. If she complains, say that she can search your room, too because you have nothing to hide from her. I'm sure she's a wonderful little girl, you just need to guide her in the right direction. When I was a kid, which wasn't that long ago, my mom set down rules. My Dad, who lived in another state, let me do whatever I wanted. I was miserable because i felt like he didn't care about me or what I did. My mom, on the other hand, would yell at me and punish me. Sure I'd be mad, but I got over it. It was for my own well-being. She didn't want anything to happen to me. Now, being a mother myself, I understand. And I'm so glad that she was there and guide me on the right path. I hope that this helps and good luck to you.

I feel your "pain"!!! I also am a SAHM, w/13yr old boy, 4yr old boy, and 3yr old girl. It's very hard for me ,as well, and I have just found that if I take away the most important things from him, it is most effective. It's terrible the attitude my husband and I get from him and it is especially frustrating because we do have younger ones that listen, observe, and learn from him. One time we actually REMOVED his bedroom door-literally!! WOW-that really "hit home" with him! At that age, especially girls, privacy is very important to them and if you take that away, they listen! Give it a try! Also, the my space thing-- same issues- you can actually contact my space and alert them that your child is under age and request that her account be removed-been there done that! That's not to say he doesn't just get another account set up when he goes to his friends' houses, but, at least at home he is not allowed. I am 36 yrs old and feel like I have become my own mother. She was tough on me and now I realize why! I try to take everything I remember from when I was that age(multiply it by about 100 in this millineum!) and give them tough love. I also keep close contact with his teachers via email to monitor what is going on at school. Sometimes they know ALOT more about your child than you think you do. Because in reality, they spend the majority of their time at school-so teachers have a pretty good idea of what kids are up to. The attitude I get from him is sometimes so bad that you just stand there with your mouth dropped to the floor! When he does that , we just tell him when he is ready to change his attitude and act like a respectable kid, then we can talk-or THEN we can do fun things. Or THEN, we can get that special something you have been wanting. I don't tolerate it and sometimes I just send him to his room when the little ones are present. You cant get angry in front of them, it really effects them. I could go on forever with my own personal experiences, but, you have to do what suits you and your daughter. I am just giving you ideas! I wish someone would give me more ideas sometimes, too!!! Good luck! Alyssa

Now that you are staying at home you may want to concider or at least look into homeschooling your daughter. In all my reading and research about homeschooling, the strenth it builds within a family is a definate benifit. Schools can bring a wedge between kids and there parents in unexpected ways; one of the first things they teach kids is that teachers know more than their parents do. If homeschooling isn't an option maybe just try spending more time with your daughter. Do chores together instead of making her do them alone. Kids really do want you around they just learned it was uncool and dont want to tell you. I wish you the best of luck.

Your being a new SAHM will make all the difference in the world most especially for her because of that age group. You couldn't have picked a better time!! At some point when things are casual and calm, explain to her that there is no greater bond especially between a mother and daughter that trust. It's very easy to lose it but can take 5x longer to ever EARN it back. Ask her what she feels she could do to help you start to put the trust back between you. Talk to her about simple almost nothing conversations - but do it in a way that almost makes it feel like it's a secret bond between the 2 of you.
This is a very typical age for this to be happening. Just make sure she knows by your actions (not words) that you are watching her every move much more closely. Also, don't forget to do little special things together so she feels like you're having special times meant for the 2 of you even though you may have to have the siblings with you. Subtlety and consistancy in all of this is the key.

HANG In There and let me know how it's going.

P.S. The Women's Expo. is coming in mid-April. That mey be a good time for you and your daughter to have a girls day out alone.

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: I am a mom in her 40's of 2 girls, a 14yr. and (19yr. - step mom). I have been a nanny for many years with a wonderful husband. I am also the daughter of my surviving father of Alzheimer's.

Dear K., I have had my fair share of troubles with my children and I have learned to pick my battles. TV theese days is terrible school is not safe parks have preditors and the computer is a highway to horror. However this is our childrens world and we just have to teachthem good family values and show them how much we love them and that we will always be there. I'm not saying let them do whatever they want but the myspace issue we hopefully solved by making them give us their passwords so we can check everything. They will grow up and have to live in this world so we cant shelter them from everything. They need to make some mistakes for themselves as hard as it is. Lessons learned by experience are the ones that stick. Also Dr. Kevin Leman has good advice in his books. Be consistent be loving and willing to appolagize if and when you are wrong. They will respect it.

K.,

If your daughter has a computer in her room my advice to you is remove it! There is no reason any child needs a computer in their room. I also have a 12 year old daughter but I have been lucky enough that she really does not have much interest in the internet yet. First of all...what kind of friends is your daughter hanging out with? Do you approve of them & their parents? You have the right to tell your child which friends you dissaprove of. I know you are new to staying at home & this is probably the most important time that you are around for your daughter. I would highly reccommend getting her involved in sports or something - sometimes that helps "busy" children and directs their attention to positive things. Whatever you decide to do make sure you talk with her - let her know that you are interested! I wish you the best. Heather

you can forbid her to have an account but she will find ways to get on the computer in other places. i know. tell her that she may have a my space account if you can see it and have her password. check it on a weekly basis on diferent days of the week . that way she cannot take things out before you see them. i tired to get in touch with myspace to see if they could dlete the account but it can only be done by the person who started it. i tried a lot of things even threattening with suing them. i needed to see what my sone had posted during a suicide attempt. they would not let me in. i finally had to involve the police and after they requested it, only they could access the account. that is tereible. but if you cant have control over her then at least monitor her movemnets. just because her friends jump off a cliff, doesnt mean she should too. it is not going to make you her best friend but you have to do what you have to do to keep her safe.

I would like to encourage you to find a support group of moms who have raised their children. It helps so much to seek out good advice such as this place. I encourage you to remove the computer from your teens room and place it in the living area. That is a must for all homes with teens. After all the information in our nation about how to protect young people the number one thing suggested is to get the computer out of the childs room! My other suggestion is to take your daughter out once in awhile for special you and her times. No particular reason other than, spend some one on one time with her. This is such a difficult time for both of you and I encourage you to monitor her friends too.

K.,
I'd like to say it improves as they get older, but the teenage years are, I believe, what really tries a parents sanity at times.
I had been taking my teenager and my 10 year old daughter to this wonderful therapist who has been a complete godsend for me. He has recently published a book that has all his tried and true techniques for every kind of situation with your child.
The book is called "Raising Kids You Want To Keep" by Jerry Day. You can find that book at any bookstore and online at Amazon.com.
I hope it works as well for you as it has for me! God Bless..

Although my kids are young, we recently had our 18 y/o neice living with us, because she had warn out her welcome everywhere else. We told her it was out house, our rules, NO exceptions. We laid down the rules and made certain that she knew them. Because we had two young children, we knew that ALL of us were setting the example for them. I was not easy, she didn't like having a curfew and being told what and when to do things, but too bad. My game, my rules. Lay down the law with your daughter. Of course, she will hate it, because she is a preteen, growing up in an instant society. But you need to establish and keep rule now or it will only get worse. My sister lets her child have a Myspace, so long as she can get on it anytime to check it out. Follow your instincts, that's why you are the parent and she is the child. It's not your job to be her friend, but to be her parent and protect her. If she says she hates you now...oh well, she'll get over it. We all did, right?
Good luck and remember to be strong.