Looking for Some Advice....

Okay this is different BUT very understandable.Kudos to you putting your relationship alone away from your kids to see if things work out. That is a plus. First-what is your definition of a semi long term relationship? Second, are there other (exes) involved? Children older, younger? Does he or will he "your BF" support you?
Recently I answered something similar to another mom dealing with a "step-child" BUT---they were married,for 8 years and still dealing with---you're not my mommy,not my daddy kind of thing.

Now-all of the questions above are important in the role that you take on from here.
IF- you have been in relationship for over 3-4 years then I would be more expecting that unamously "ALL" children respect both you and your BF wishes equally as parental figures! Key word here is respect. You give, you take. I.E. if your children are jumping on the couch...do you let them or do you say "there's no jumping on the couch, thank you." Treat them all equal. (yes this is hard! BUT Doable)
If you've been in a relationship lets say 2 years or less, and you are starting, take things slow. IF something really needs to be said, then I would turn to your BF and ask him/ they to do what ever is necessary. Key thing here is to ASK! But try to do everything equal as well.
God willing this will not be a forever thing and you can get on to where this will take you, being a "new family" or if it's not forever, then why bother. Right? It just adds to the mess of single parenting to a degree. Can't help but be frank, pls. don't be offended.

Best of luck!
Mom of 4.

1 mom found this helpful

Denise P. was giving you very good advice. and the "daddy's girlfriend" seems to be what the child hears from maybe his mothers side but so what i mean that is who you are right? and if the child likes you than thats half the battle. just spread the love and be patient it will all work out.
GoodLuck! Janile (fostermom of four)

1 mom found this helpful

Just be yourself. I am a step mom now and while you are dating is the time to get to know them. Sometimes when marriage happens, the roles are not clear and everyone becomes confused, especially the kids. No matter what you may think of the other mother, he doesn't need another mom. I would caution on being very affectionate around the kids, no matter the age. It's one thing they haven't seen their parents together in a while, but to see their parent "head over heels" and grabbing body parts with someone else is a lot for them to digest : ) Best wishes to you.

1 mom found this helpful

It is understandable that you are so freaked, it's like meeting the parents, but more important because you would end up living with him!

I have to agree wholeheartedly with the advice that you have already received, just relax and let it come. Try and force some starts of conversations--but try to let it flow after that. Find out what he is interested in, start him, and let him talk away. Or go out just the two of you for a lunch or something.

It will work out--just keep a positive outlook.
~best wishes

1 mom found this helpful

give yourself a break..you want to do good so you feel alot of pressure...just be yourself..it has taken me years with my step daughter and now i think she likes me as much or if not more than her dad..you will work it out just dont be so hard on your self

1 mom found this helpful

Be prepared for the fact that it may not come. I have been with my husband for 7 years, and he has a daughter from a previous marriage. She is a good kid, kind and polite, and my kids adore her. I take good care of her when she stays with us but I don't feel like a mother to her. I care about her like a friend. My husband and I talk about it all the time. He wants me to love her like a daughter, and believe me I have tried. I have been waiting for that feeling to come ever since I met her. I get angry with myself because my life dream was to become a mother. I feel more connected to my sister's kids than my husband's. I know that my husband is disappointed, but he respects me and accepts the way I feel. So if that natural bonding feeling doesn't come, don't beat yourself up for it. Everyone is different and sometimes the "Brady Bunch" family isn't for everyone. Just try to make him feel welcome and part of the family. Keep communicating about your feelings with your boyfriend.
Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
I'm glad you found someone that both you AND your children like. That's quite an accomplishment! Just be yourself around his son and treat him as you would your own children. Don't try to be his "mom", but be loving and respectful.
One small caution that I feel I must mention. I think you two did the right thing by keeping the kids out of it until you knew whether there was something growing there or not.
Eventually, your kids are going to get attached to this guy and his kid(s) are going to get attached to you. I would strongly encourage you to keep all living arrangements separate until you are married to this guy. I just really have a tough time with the comings-and-goings of boyfriends/girlfriends of grown people who have kids! It's gotta be so confusing to them and so many couples charge into living together--which is fine if there are no kids involved--without thinking how this is affecting their kids, currently, or how it will affect them down the road if they split (whether there's a marriage or not).
Tread carefully, you've got LOTS of little feelings there in your home!
I will now step down off of my little soapbox! :)
Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
You sound like a very good Mom and a very nice woman. I have helped raise 2 stepsons and it isn't easy, they need to know that their Dad is always going to be with them no matter what, I also tried to find out what they were interested in and try to join in discussions with whatever interests them, also I try to get their opinion on some of the things we as a family like would like to do and relax with them and let them know your are sincere in your feelings to them and it will all come together for you and your boyfriend.
Good Luck L.M.

1 mom found this helpful

AS your man said, it will come. AS a mommy of 5 kids, you must be pretty good at relating to children by now. Any discomfort is probably all you, as you're over thinking it. How old is his son? If under 10, than he's only thinking about playing and having fun, you've got it made. If over 10, then as long as he's not secretly trying to get his parents back together, you're in. Boys don't really care that much. It's the girls that will size you up. I'm stepmom to a girl (12) and boy(8). When I was dating my husband, all the kids cared about was that their daddy was happy again. And if I knew how to have fun too. I enjoyed the time we spent together because i saw my man not only as my sweetheart, but as daddy, provider, protector, and I saw how deep his love ran for his children. And then I saw traits in the kids that were a lot like him. I learned more about him watching him with his kids than I did during our 1 on 1 time. Cause his true character came out in these moments. And if daddy started acting any different than normal, you could see it in the kids faces.
So, just trust that you are a good mommy, and stop worrying about this kid judging you.
Now if what you're really worried about is what he's going home and telling his momma, don't sweat that either. Cause if her opinion counted for anything, she wouldn't be an X. Just relax and enjoy the time you spend together. If you fill that time with fun, he'll only walk away saying, "I really like that M. Lady. Dad, when are we going to see her again?" :-)

1 mom found this helpful

While I've never been in your situation, I've had a lot of experience with kids (babysitting, working in a daycare, and coming from a large immediate and extended family). You know the little boy likes you already, so do your best to relax.

Here are some things you can do to help make things go a little smoother and maybe help you be a little more relaxed with your boyfriend's son... Get interested in his interests. For example, my 3 year old loves Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Ask your boyfriend what his son likes. Perhaps he likes a certain game or sport. Learn about it and then use your new knowledge when you are talking to him. For instance, we ask my son which Transformer is his favorite. He tells us his favorite is "Meets The Eye... The one from the Transformers song."

Find out what kinds of things he likes to do. Things you can do together like playing a board game, playing minigolf, going to a video arcade, or playing laser tag. Then during your vacation, plan an activity that you know he likes to do.

Simply ask him how he is doing and what is new in his life. One of the easiest ways to get to know him better and build a better relationship with him is to talk to him. Take a moment when the other kids are busy and he isn't and just talk to him about everyday mundane things. How is school? Is he signing up for any Spring sports? Is he on the Chess Team (my daughter is into Chess at her school)? Talk to him about what is going on in his life and give him a chance to share and open up. Ask him about his friends and what they like to do.

While you are doing this, remember that you are the adult but you are not his Mom or Stepmom (yet) so take this time to build an open, honest relationship without the bossiness or the need to be the disciplinarian but do not become so much his friend that you allow him to disrespect you.

Anyhow, I know I haven't been in your situation exactly but having needed to get to know and build a relationship with kids (both easy and difficult kids) in the past, I hope that my experience and advice helps you out. The most important thing to remember is to relax and let it happen.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful