Looking for Input on Anxiety in a Young Toddler

I took my daughter's binki away a little at a time. First, she could have it whenever she slept (this helped for naptime), then after a month or two, I took it away for naps and only gave it at night. After a month or two of that, I took it away completely and she made a nice transition from sleeping without it at nap to sleeping without it at night. One warning, You'll have a fairly angry child for the first week at nap time when you start. But don't give in or they'll be training you instead!

S.,

I am guessing it's not necessarily anxiety he's going through, but probably more getting accustomed to change. After 3 years of falling asleep it's no wonder he's struggling to sleep. Give it another week or so. Be consistent, don't even suggest that you might give it back to him, and give him the opportunity to find another way to comfort himself to sleep instead of just substituting in another "sleep prop" that you'll have to break him off of later. Good luck!

S.,

Kids who take pacifiers, do so because it is comforting to them. It's a little unfair as parents for us to decide that magical day they don't need comfort anymore. I have one son who took one, and kept them in his room for security until he was 4 1/2 or so, and one son who never took one, even as a baby. The one who never took one has more dental issues than the other.

Do what you think is best, but I'd choose the pacifier over anxiety in a 3 year old any day. Good Luck!

T.

He needs help trying to find a way to soothe himself. It's one of those things that takes a while for the child to figure out, but in the interim you could try giving him some Bach Rescue Remedy. It comes in a spray or in pastilles (like little gummy candies but they're made with honey and flower essences.) These really help me with my anxiety and with my kids' when they have trouble calming themselves down. You can find them at health food stores, Whole Foods and places like that.

S., we went through the exact situation with our oldest daughter when she turned 3. Around 2 1/2 we had started talking about giving up the paci, and she suggested she wait until she was 3. The day after her 3rd birthday, she announced that she wouldn't have anymore paci! Even after that, she was resistant to giving them up completely, so we compromised and let her hold onto them but not put them in her mouth. The first few nights, I snuck in to check on her - positive they would be in her mouth. They weren't! The comfort of holding onto them was enough. She is now 3 1/2 and still holds onto them every night, but never puts them in her mouth. Could the paci remain in his room? In a special box or even sewn into a stuffed animal?

My daughter is also a very anxious little thing. Part of it is her personality (she's a perfectionist, a little obsessive, and very headstrong). Part of it also comes with the age. 3 is so much more difficult than 2 - I think there is a lot of pressure to suddenly become a Big Kid - using the potty, starting school, being a big sister/brother, etc. I have found that with my daughter, it helps if she knows exaclty what's going on and when. We talk about our daily schedule, any changes taking place that day, etc.

Lots of luck with the Terrible 3's :) Just stick with your routine (keep trying the nap even if he resists - it may come back), help him discover new coping techniques, and know that things will calm down as he adjusts!

Hello, I had a similar situation with my daughter. She was really addicted to her pas(pacifer) and went through withdrawal when we took it. We actually told her our next door neighbors dog found it outside and took it. She had lost the last one and we didn't want to buy anymore. I was really anxious and thought that I should give it back to her because she couldn't sleep and I could tell that she was really going through something. I hated to see her suffer. But we stuck with it and she was fine within 3-4 days. Just try and stick with it and hopefully you'll have success.

My son too is very anxious. He is afraid of getting his hair cut, the doctor, the dentist, new places, and so on. I think it is just adjustment and he needs to find something that is secure for him. My son loves a stuffed animal that we take to get his hair cut, school, dentist, doctor, and so on. I think little ones need to know what is going to happen but too much preparation can be overwhleming too. I found that out the hard way with the dentist. Just replace it with something that he can hold onto in his hand or in his arms. Try it and see how it works. My son is now four almost five adn we don't have as many anxious moments as we used to. He may just grow out of it with a little help from a security item. Good Luck!

I would try the "Supernanny" method. She explained to the child that there was some other little one who needed the binky and that the binky fairy could take it to the needy one. She tied it/them outside to a tree with pretty ribbons and said the fairy would come in the night to take it to the needy one. The next day the binkys were gone and there was a nice thank you card with a little thank you gift picked out especially for him. It worked great (on the show). I used the needy one with a bottle. My sister was having a baby when my daughter was 3. I told her I sent the "baba" to Auntie for her new baby. She was a bit sad, but was ok with sending it to her new cousin. Giving up the bottle or binky IS a loss for a little one. It's probably his best friend. Be gentle...he obviously needs soothing of some sort but he is still truely a baby and the binky is what he is accustomed to.

I have a very anxious daughter.. it is genetic.. my inlaws all tend to be anxious..

My daughter is 2 1/2 and still has her paci.. if she gets upset- she cries for her paci and her bed.. it helps her chill out..

I dont care if the paci ruins her teeth.. I would rather ruin her teeth than her mental health..braces are cheaper than counseling.

My daughter was born like this.. my son is much more even tempered.. for instance they are both a little scared of the vacuum.. but my daughter will absolutely scream and be unconsolable.. my son might wimper and crawl away from the vacuum..

There is nothing you can do about your sons temperment.. but I would give him back his comfort item- if the paci helps him that much he still needs it..

I have an anxious child, too, although he comes by it naturally. He is anxious about getting hurt, going to the doctor, even growing up. He asks me the same questions over and over and wants to know the day's schedule in detail every morning. I think my major role in this is to teach him that the way he is (whatever that may be) is perfectly fine, and that we all have ways of coping with life that make our days easier. Teaching him how to weave his anxiety into 'normal' life will help him far more than fighting his behavior and having it labeled and treated. After all, there is no normal...it's different for everybody!

~L.

S.,
You aren't really going to consider caving in are you? Once you do, you'll have a bigger problem when it really is time.
Okay a compromising thought. Rub some Thumz (to help quit thumb sucking) on the binki. It'll taste so nasty he won't want to have it. This is a habit. He relates using it with calming down and conking out. Give in and he'll be doing it when he's subject to ridicule by anyone who finds out.
Try the Thumz. It's not mood swings or anxiety as much as it is he's been conditioned to fall asleep with the binki.

S.

You have three children...you obviously know what you are doing. I highly doubt you are trying to make your child "anxious". There are opinions all over the board with this pacifier issue.
My two cents is that yes, pacifiers do soothe (all three of mine took/take them). But part of babies/child's natural development is growing/learning to be more independent. Children transition from breast/bottle to sippy cup, and so on. Taking the pacifier is merely a transition, and an appropriate one (after all...some babies suck from the breast/bottle for comfort alone and we don't expect them to rely on that until they are 5). Losing the pacifier is always a tough transition, but most children are not going to suffer permanent anxiety just because you took it away. If it is true anxiety...then the pacifier issue/upset has actually helped you to identify that your child has some coping issues...and you therefore NOW have the opportunity to begin helping/teaching him how to cope. That is not a bad thing...better to start helping him sooner rather than later.
If it is normal upset (from taking his favorite form of comfort away), try to help him replace it. Lots of hugs with a soft cuddly blanket may help? Or maybe a stuffed animal like others have suggested. Whatever you choose, just give him lots of hugs and cuddles with it so that he can realize he can find comfort in other things.

Good luck

One of my favourite parenting advice quotes is:

children help us by using resistance to show us what is not working.

You are right -- something is not working, and your little guy is stressed out. I want you to think about the thing with the pacifier from a logical, compassionate viewpoint (rather than taking impersonal advice from some helpful book that has no connection to your son, your family, his history or the real world):

Not a million years ago, you offered him a pacifier so he could soothe himself (we can argue later about whether or not that is an appropriate goal with small children, but here is where it started)... he grew attached to this object of soothing because you encouraged that attachment.

Now, for no reason other than the earth has gone around the sun a particular number of times (and let me make this point very clearly: an ARBITRARY number of times), he is no longer allowed to be in need of soothing, he must stop being attached to the item he was encouraged to attach to, or he must grow up in the space of time you have mentally prepared yourself to accept (instead of at his pace).

What are you going to replace this object of self-soothing with? Because 'nothing' can't be the answer, unless it comes with the natural association: he's not allowed to be soothed anymore.

Your little one is anxious for a very, very good, clear reason. The question is, will you have the courage to be wrong and change your mind to ease his anxiety, or will you take the 'I'm right and your response doesn't matter' route instead? One of these is the hard road... guess which one!

I also have an anxious middle child. He is 11 and still hugs his blankie and sucks his thumb - only at night or when he's very tired or upset. I decided not to put an end to it thinking it would stop on its own. It hasn't, and it turns out its more common than you'd think to have adult thumb sucking. Anyway, the last thing you want is be a source for his anxiety. He looks to you for safety. I'd say give it back so long as you can be accepting of it. Your aversion to the pacifier will seem like nothing when he's a teenager and finding ways to sooth himself you won't be happy with, like alcohol and drugs. Very common for anxiety disorders to self medicate. I'd look at yourselves, too, in that these things can be genetic. Perfectionism is an issue in our family that can at times be debilitating. I think I'm teaching them to strive for excellence and they hear "You're not good enough" One thing you didn't mention was the 11 month old. He may be more insecure than you realize about his place in the family, combined with the loss of his soother? If I were you I'd read as much as I could on the topic as well as talk to a Dr. Most MD's aren't very versed in mental heath, though. A family counselor could be good. My son is doing great now! He had a couple of bad years before I was able to "get it" and they were tough. Looking back I saw signs as a toddler that I didn't recognize. But like I said, I let him suck and that wasn't enough, so that may not be the only solution, or the end of it if it is effective now. One thing I do is read from a book of relaxation scripts when he's too wound up for sleep. Very effective. And the more you can talk to him about his feelings, the better he'll get at understanding them. I feel like my response is all over the place, but its morning and I am rushing. You're wise to take notice and I'm sure you'll find a way for him to grow secure.

it sounds like he wasn't ready to let his binky go. What he needs is a suitable replacement that cam help to comfort him. They need a way to soothe and relieve stress. Unfortunately, this has to be on his timetable and his decision. If binky is out of the question, you'll need to help him find something else like a lovey, or rocking, etc. Good luck! Thus is tough all around.

Hello S., Try finding a replacement for him to bond with. A special pillow, blanket, stuffed animal, toy, etc. Let him pick something out at the store himself. Give him the money to pay for it at the cash register. Allow him to keep it with him whenever he wants. It should be something that he never has to share. This worked with my middle child. She had to have her blankie!! Good luck.