Looking for Help with What to Do with Different Sides of Having Another Child

Tough situation. Here is my thought on it....you only live once, and you have one shot at a family to be with you the rest of your life. You can always get more money or more things, but none of that can replace the love of a child. My Mom always said, "An heir (boy), a mare (girl), and a spare." Three is a good number, but you really needy hubby on board so that he is not resentful. One of you is going to have to give. So what is a few more dollars spent on another child? In the whole scheme of things, will one more make that much difference? Give him time, and talk, talk, TALK! Good luck! And by the way, my husband wanted 2....but after each one, he wanted another. We have 5, not much money, but a whole lot of love and happiness in our home. I'll take that any day!

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I think praying and communication is your only options! If you have a 3rd you want your husband "onboard." I know the heart strings attached to having a 3rd. Last year I finally got pregnant with #3, My boys were 5.5 and 3.5 at the time! My husband was not excited about #3 like our first 2, I think because he was ready to be done and he felt that #3 was MY decision. It took us 7 monthes to get pregnant, so I think in the back of his mind we wouldn't get pregnant again. (with my boys I got pregnant right away.) My husband would make comments like: you wanted this one, when I'd be getting sick in the morning- which is not like my husband. Anyway, long story short- I ended up losing our little girl at 18 weeks along, don't know why... we went for a regular 18 week ultrasound and she looked perfect, but her heart had stopped beating. I believe to this day that God was looking out for our marriage and our children. Since we lost Kayla, me and my husband have had a hard time, but through communication and a lot of prayer we both decided to try again 100% willing at both ends. I am now 32 weeks pregnant and we are both so excited for our 4th child!!! I am so blessed to have gone through that heart ache, Kayla is my little angel that showed my husband that there is something worse that having a third child... losing our third child!
I will keep you in prayer, and just keep talking to your husband about how important #3 is to you!!!
Best Wishes!

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This is a tough one... I can't blame your husband for not wanting a third child. But I also can't blame you for wanting one... I think the suggestion of counseling for the two of you to work through the issue is a very good one. One of you may find that your reasons for wanting or not wanting a third child are very different from what appears to be the reason on the surface (finances/filling a void). Either way, you need to both come to a decision as a couple to keep the marriage strong. I wish you the best!

M. - Wow I went through the very same thing...I too have one boy one girl and several years back really wanted the 3rd. My husband like yours really used the same reasoning...we have one of each, daycare is a waste of $, we can do more with 2 and even we can give 2 more of ourselves. At the time I was really sad and thought he didn't know what he was talking about how dare he how inconsiderate how selfish of him what would he know he is the dad and only does some of the work.....but I decided to pray on it and knew it would work itself out. My kids are now 10 and 13 and you know truth be told my 2 are lucky to have the life they have and I am happy every day I can give them the things they want (including my time) and plan for the things we want for them. I don't know if there is a right or wrong decision here - everyone's perfect family is a different size. I am not sorry giving up the fight for the 3rd ~ I am happy my husband and I are both in sinc and we are both happy and in love with the 2 we have.

Melissa - get a grip! You are only 32 years old - your husband saying no now doesn't mean always. He's just being completely sensible - he sees you've got two VERY small children and wants to enjoy them - not add another little very-demanding person in a very tough economy. You have got SO much time to make this decision - you are not 44 with your biological clock ticking loudly - so sit back and have a great time with the wonderful kids you have. My family is two children who are three and a half years apart - then a six year gap. My eldest is almost 15 - my baby is five. I can't tell you how wonderful this arrangement is - the two big kids adore `the baby', plus I have built in babysitters. I truly had a blast with my third as my two oldest kids were at school all day and the baby and I could do such fun things together. Also, not that I'm suggesting this for you, my little one was `an accident' - my husband and I were completely shocked as we thought our family was complete. Needless to say, the little one is the apple of my husband's eye. Hope this helps - good luck - Alison

Hi Melissa,

Well I read several of the responses you received and I thought I needed to add my own...:) First off please just listen to what I say and please don't take it as I am being harsh, just my opinion, okay? I can feel for what you are saying. I only have one child and I am 37 yrs. old, I very much wanted at least 2. When our son was one yr. we started for another. We tried for 2 yrs, had 3 IUI's and nothing worked. I decided at that time it was in god's hands. Well I never was able to have another one. With that being said about 2 yrs. ago I really wanted to try again and my husband was against it, said we were blessed with one and he was happy where we were in life, our son was 7 at the time. I begged and pleaded to please try and he was still always no. I thought my DH was being very selfish. He always said to me, be happy for what we have and not what we don't have. That really stuck with me. Instead of dwelling on agruing with my husband and resenting him for not allowing me to have another child, I learned to focus on all the good I had surrounding me. At that point I really felt I enjoyed my son more (not that I never did), I enjoyed my husband more, myself more because I was blessed with a whole lot. About 7 mos. ago I had to had a hysterectomy talk about being in a bad situation. Now no more of my own kids ever. At first I resented my husband for not willing to try again for a second child, and then look what happened. But I turned it around and thought about all that I was blessed with. I understand you think you husband is being selfish. But I don't think so. You have a great family, sounds like your husband has been supportive for what you have, he isn't against kids just more kids. I just need to say, I think you are being selfish for thinking that way. He has supported you through 2 kids, don't make him regret you for putting more pressure on him, in the case another child adds unecessary stress, to either money or marriage troubles. Please, you need to be happy for what you have and not what you don't have. I think if you live by that motto, things will happen that were ment to be. I do agree with one of the girls that said maybe you are trying to fill a void with another child and it may be something else you need. Please take this as just helpful criticism and not that I am yelling at you okay!? I wish I could have more kids, but I have learned to be happy with what I have and every day of my life is a gift from God. Take care and Good luck,

S. S.

Hi Melissa. It sounds like you are a very good mom and wifey. You are a woman who enjoys her life as a mother first then a wife and there is nothing wrong with that. However a descion to have another child is a heavy subject. You do have two beautiful children which your hubby helps you out with and probably adores his kids and you as well. But it seems that from the beginning when you expressed that you wanted three kids and based on his response, he really wasnt sure about that and thats why his response was'nt "sure honey, whatever you want". What you have to do is consider his opinion first and the way he feels. In some way it seems like you want to complete the set, but will you really stop after the third one? You love kids and thats a blessing but dont try to keep collecting them like stuffed teddy bears..lol! just kidding but seriously the economy is bad and the more kids you add to the list, the more sacrifrices has to be made. Your husband doesnt want to consider another child because he doesent want to sacrifice anything else especially his time with you! You really have to soul search and ask yourself is this desire of yours a good choice for you, your husband and you two kids and go from there and keep praying! God bless you and your family.

We use natural family planning.

When my husband and I were at an impasse about adding a 4th child to the mix, I asked that we pray about it seperatly for a month, seeking direction. After that month was up I handed him my chart and thermometer and told him it was his responsibility to prevent another child if he felt that a 4th would be too much for him. I also asked that he continue to pray about it because I felt that having another baby was the right decision.

If you are feeling "not complete", then you need to find out why... A child will NOT complete you and you do any child a dis-service by bringing him/her into this world for the sole purpose of filling your void. Those are some pretty big shoes to fill for a child. If you are feeling like there is something missing - then more likely than not there is...but it is not a child---it is something within yourself. You need to find out what it is that you are lacking in yourself before you even consider having another child. You can not give 100% to a child - if you don't have 100% to give.

I wish you luck and the strength to admit that something else is going on - and it is not the desire for a child...but rather the desire to fill an emptiness that only the act of true self examination can fill.

Hello M., Please don't push this issue with your hubby. This could make or break your marriage. Do you want to be a single parent of 3 in the future? Offer to babysit other peoples babies, volunteer at the nursery of your local church, what ever it takes to fill in that void. Your husband is not on board with having another one, you cannot change his heart any more than he can change yours. This fork in the road can be what divides the two of you forever. Good luck.

I would have another, I just did and now I have 3 (two boys and a girl) it is perfect. I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH Andrea below, maybe SHE wants to stay home but some people want a career and studies have proven that children are OK with daycare, plus it teaches them social skills.....I REPEAT DO NOT LISTEN TO ANDREA, that was a rather selfish response.

A.

Because I love children so much, it is easy to be angry with your husband, but that is going to get you nowhere. Would he be willing to see a counselor, pastor, or someone together? Could you have a discussion about values and goals maybe at a restaurant or someplace where he can't just blow you off? I agree - this is going to do damage to your relationship, and I think that's what he needs to see. You're right and he's wrong and you don't have years and years to wait him out. First, I'd say to pray and do your best to turn it over to God. Second, I'd tell him that you are praying and that you believe this is God's will for your family and you want him to pray too (even if he never does) and think hard about your marriage and how important your relationship is to him. Then I'd tell him you want to discuss this again at a certain point within the next month, and set a date for it. Tell him you are not just going to drop it. I don't think he's going to be moved by anything that seems to him to be whining. I'd say he thinks he can overpower you in this and he figures it's worth a try. I'd try appealing to his love for you and his family. The money issue is a cop-out as you indicated, and it's selfish when you are working and handling most of the parenting and household duties anyway, which should change anyway. It usually helps to speak to try to see what his underlying concerns/fears are, get him to talk about those, and to ask how you can make this workable and more comfortable for him. Good luck, Melissa. I definitely wouldn't drop it!

Having a 3rd child does change the dynamics of the family quite a bit. Regardless, you and your husband have to be on the same page. What do you think your regret will be...that you didn't have a 3rd child so your family is incomplete or imperfect?

What about the family you have today? You have a lot of time to enjoy the kids you have and your marriage. I would take the time and see what develops naturally. This isn't something you can really "talk" someone into.

M.,

I can empathize with your situation and feelings. I always wanted two children, but after my son was born we really struggled with this issue. My husband has said "no" for last six years and I have been wavering. Every spring I get what I call "the baby complex". I see other moms with their newborns and I remember the great times I had with my son and I want that back.

But, I am only half of our partnership and I learned that sometimes we have to put aside our own dreams and desires in favor of strengthening our marriage and relationship with our partner. My husband and I have both compromised on our dreams and sacrifices to make our marriage strong and successful, and I am sure we will need to again in the future. If you decide to not have a third child you will go through a grieving process and may want to talk with a counselor or psychologist to help work through your feelings.

For the past two years my husband and I have been talking about hosting a foreign exchange student and finally decide to try it this fall if possible. We are preparing a room and he is researching exchange agencies. This is another way for us to temporarily increase the size of our family. If it doesn't work out we don't have to participate again, but if it does we have a tremendous opportunity to learn about other cultures, help a teenager learn about our culture and enjoy them for who they are.

Another option would be to become a foster parent and open your home to needy children who need a loving and stable home while they are going through a time of upheaval and uncertainty. Again, this is a temporary way to add another child to your family.

Good luck with your decision.

-C..

Hi Melissa,
I feel for you because I am in the same situation only its for a fourth child. I wanted to start trying last year, but we were forced to move because of the economy and things were stressful so my husband was like I can't even talk about that right now and so we decided to wait until we were settled in our new home. So here we are now settled in our new home and I am watching the boys play outside and I see my daughter off by herself playing with her dolls and I think its time to have another..I would love a sister for my daughter, but even if its a boy Emily would love to help me take care of him. I am a daycare provider and care for 3 other children besides my own, but they come and go. Anyways, my husband and I have talked and talked and talkd about this. At first it was a firm NO and then it turned to a look he gave me (like a "awww man")... and now its "okay if thats what you really want." I told him I want him to be on the same page for support and I want him to be excited. Every morning on the weekends while we are having our morning coffee it will come up... So now I am wondering when we should start trying. I would rather have a early Spring Summer baby than a Fall winter baby cuz thats when my kids will be going back to school, but it will be a bit of a challenge with two of my kids in school and one home with me along with my daycare. I prayed and prayed and then one night I had a dream that I was pregnant and I could feel the baby moving in my belly. I woke up with the best feeling and knew that it was the right thing to do. I ordered my prenatal vitamins today! I suggest lots of prayers and just talking with your husband about it little by little.. BEST WISHES!!

Put your personal "want" aside and try to see the economics involved from your husband's point of view. Men are the ones who, if they are "good guys" (and your husband sounds like he is), take their responsibilities seriously when they get married. Some men never take that step because the economics are so staggering! Times have changed since you started out together, and he sees that: costs of raising children are not going to come down, and what it would have cost to raise 3 is what it is going to be to raise 2 or fewer. Relying on student loans and scholarships to get them through college is no longer feasible. You will have to be there for them when they can't find a job, want to get married, have children of their own and need a house, etc. Men see this bigger picture better than we do. It would be an excellent idea to increase the effectiveness of your communication process by seeing a mediator or counselor who is totally impartial.

Motherhood isn't just about having babies! Each stage of the childrens' lives has built-in "adventures" to keep you so busy you won't have time to miss a third child.

That's really a tough place to be. My advice at this point (if you're a Christian) would be to pray for a change of heart - whichever way God wants it - yours or your husbands. Drop the subject for now and be patient.

For what its worht, I have witnessed this same situation with several family and friends (one boy, one girl, mom wants a third, dad doesn't). The ONLY time I have ever seen it "resolved" between the couple without it causing years of hurt and frustration is when the couple went to a mutually agreed upon counselor to have a third party help them talk through it rationally. Like you said, no matter what the outsome is, neither of you wants to go through he rest of your marriage feeling hurt and resentful--and since it has now turned into a situation where someone "wins" and someone "loses" the argument, that is exactly where this is going. Good luck!

melissa, i understand your plight, i am a mom of three, but wanted two, ahahah or we stopped at two, but three came along any way, i wanted four, if i had three, but had interuterin cancer and could not have that fourth, it was difficult, but our experience with three, was not all that was cracked up to be, after three, i felt weaker, i could not do as much it really wore me down, however dont get me wrong i love our third child and i woudl not trade it for anything, however we took our kids to disney, and we could not do as much as we wanted to , they would not let us stay in the disney hotels, unless we purchased two rooms, they only allowed four in the rooms, they were too young to do that, however, we did get to find a cool hotel holiday inn kid suites, i know im not giving you any information as to not, but it is nice with two, and its nice with three, it is great to see them interact, it also is a pain to watch them fight and not get along, you have pros and cons in any situation of any number of children, the most important thing is that children like you said can be afforded and most of all loved, your husband takes a toll on him every time he has to watch you go through all that pain, and its great he loves you so, most men dont want children, i think his love for you is shining through loud and clear, enjoy his love and understand his side, if you understand his side and say i just need you to talk to me about it ? and not just say no, i need to entertain that idea, and i may not be able to handle it, etc, but please can we talk about it, who knows, you need to show him you can do this, and that you appreciate his support, and listen to his side so he can then listen to you , the best love a child can have is to have both parents love them, if you push another child on him how sad for him to always feel left out and never love that child , for that child took sooo much away , you need to make sure, he is ready, and its both decisions, i totally understand, but hear him out, and have him at least entertain the idea, it may change, his view, and it may not, but life is good, and he dont want to do anything to mess it up , that is a stable man, and he is afraid it wont be the same, just enjoy life and i hope things work out, D. s

Good for you for trying to talk it out and not "messing around." (If you were to become pregnant without his consent, it could mean a very rough road for the 2 of you... with his anger and resentment, etc.) My best friend had this dilemna, and she and her husband when to a psychologist together for some time to work it out. It was a safe place to talk about the issue, with an objective person to help see different viewpoints. I'm not sure if that would work for you, but I thought I'd share the idea that helped them come to a consensus.

M. -

I absolutely understand your feelings and I think it's very real. I actually experienced that kind of longing twice, once after my 26-week preemie baby was born and my body was screaming at me to get pregnant again. It was very weird, like my body hadn't completed what it was supposed to do and ALL I could think about was getting pregnant again. We had just spent 4 months in NICU in a very touch and go situation and everyone (husband, family, friends, doctor) thought I was nuts. My husband came around after awhile and we eventually did have our third, full-term and no problems.

You'd think I'd have been happy then, but fast forward to my late 30's and there it was again - that same I really want to have another baby feeling. This time, pushing 40, we put it in God's hands. No birth control, but no "trying" either. Six months later, I was pregnant again, now with a 14, 12 and 9 year old. Another poster mentioned the benefits of the "gap" and I wholeheartedly second that. My youngest is indeed a gift from God for the whole family. It is my greatest joy every day to watch my older children with their little sister. They ADORE her.

I am now absolutely complete as a mother. Last night, in fact, I had a dream that I was pregnant again and I was mortified. I woke up crying because I just didn't want another baby. It's actually a good feeling to be that certain, so I guess the moral of this long story is that you should follow your instincts or I believe you will regret it later. As for your husband, I'd just give him some more time. You've only been discussing it for three weeks and you're still really young. Pay attention to your body and what you're feeling and if that deep longing continues to intensify and doesn't go away, discuss the issue again in 6 months or so. And don't be concerned about the time between kids. In a few years, your oldest will begin to hit that great helper age and that makes a BIG difference. My youngest was my easiest baby by far because I had SO much help. My friends thought I was crazy for having a baby at 40, but now I think I was silly to have had my first couple so close together when I was so young. Those were tough years and I'm sure that's where your husband's thoughts are now. He probably hasn't even considered that it could be easier to have another baby with more helpers around.

Regards, L.

For what its worth, here is my two-cents... We were "done" after two boys. While we were disassembling our youngest's crib my husband gave me "the look". "Just one more?" he asked? I was unsure since I kind of got comfortable with the thought of being done and getting on with other parts of our lives. However, after some thinking, I realized that I would never look at one of our children and "regret" having him or her. However, I might regret, years later, not having him. So, we now have three boys. My advice would be to wait a little longer. Agree to put the subject on the shelf for a while (even a year -- you are still young)and revisit the subject then. By then, the economy may have changed, your husband's mind might change, and even your feelings might change. A lot can happen in a year. Your husband might be feeling bullied or pressured about the situation -- even though that is not your intent -- and immediately shuts it down. I would give it some time, enjoy the children you have right now, and revisit it in 6 months to a year down the road. Good luck!

When I read your story, the forst thoouogh tthat comes to me is that you are using creating another child as a way to avoid dealing with other issues in your life that you are not willing or ready to face. Maybe the loss you feel in your chest is not about the child. Maybe it is another loss, long neglected or ognored that is wanting to be processed and released and resolved.
Maybe there is a need for some quality time with your mate that you have been avoiding with business with the 'children's needs'
Maybe you also need some time for yourself, or are you desperately avoiding that because of what you might connect to , if left alone with yourself.
I suggest that you give the love you have for another child, to your inner child and your self and the children you already have, and even your bravely honest mate, for a few months and see if that resolves the issue

First and foremost raising kids in a stable marriage is more important. Who says what number of children make the perfect family? We have 3 kids, but the world is definitely made for 4 (hotel rooms, tables at restaurants, rides at parks, etc). Also when the kids have conflicting activities a parent would be matched for each child. We always have one child that has to go along or stay at home by themselves. I wouldn't trade our third child and they are all different and special. You can't really go wrong either way, just be a great Mom with what God gives you.

I don't see a mutual decision on the horizon. Somewhere along the road, mutual decisions ...the concept of...got lost along the side for him.
Could be he feels enough like a failure (can't handle the two you have) and a third would make that yuckier for him. Yeah he's focusing on him now. Not even the kids, it sounds.
I don't know how to resolve this one. He just doesn't sound open to a minimal compromise.
Good luck

Hi M.,
You kids are still young. When they get to be a few years older, you and your husband will more than likely be very involved in their outside activities. If they both have a game on the same day, you can split up and they will both have someone there for them. If you have 3 kids, who will the third one have at it's game? Schedules can get very hectic with even one child. I am sure your husband is thinking about these considerations as well as money. And then there is college! Please have more talks, but look a bit into the future when you have them, and try to keep your emotions at bay. Good Luck with whatever you and your husband decide.

Hey M.,

It sounds like unity on this decision is important to you, so I'd advise you to stop pushing this. Surrender you wants and desires of having a 3rd child to the Lord. He can work on your husband better then you, and if its His will that you have a 3rd child then He can make that happen. God is faithful to lead us down the road of life that we would choose ourselves (should we be able to see the end of the story right now), so you need to trust Him in this matter.

Having peace at home is much better then a third child, and telling your husband that, and that you will respect his decision on this matter, even though it is NOT what you would've chosen, will strengthen your marriage. He needs to trust you in this before he'd come close to changing his mind, and he might not ever do that. You have to accept that.

Blessings to you!

My situation.... I have a girl (just turned 6), boy (just turned 4), and another boy (just turned 1). We were both in agreement about the 3rd - in fact, my husband pushed a little harder for a 3rd while I was the one a little hesitant. If I had to do it over again, I would DEFINITELY have the 3rd one again!! Our lives seem so much more complete. He really isn't all that much work. And we spend much less money now than we did with 2 children- mostly because we are on a tight budget. So, are you crazy for wanting a 3rd? Not at all!! However, you don't want to raise 3 children as a single Mom - so think about what this would do to your marriage. You still have a lot of time. I am 41 (had my 3rd at age 40). If you want to talk more, just send me a message.

wHY DO YOU FEEL INCOMPLETE? GOD HAS BLESS YOU WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND THAT IS GREAT. IF IT IS FOR YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD IT WILL HAPPEN BUT REMEMBER THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS SAYING NO. SO PRAY AND LET THE LORD LEAD YOU TO THE ANSWER.

Well mt husband said he didn't want a 5th child. but I did. He was very dead against it but he sid he would consider another I told him I understood if we have another one I need to go back to work to help because right now I run a business out of my house and I stay home. Well I got pregnant I was on birth control that made me sick after my last daughter and I got off I told him its in gods hands birth control makes me very moody and I refuse to use it. He didn't say anything to it. So I got pregnant but we both knew I was going to misscarry it in which i did 8 days ago. So now we are to square one and I tell you I thought he was goingto be mad when he seen the stick but he wasn't. He was just as excited as I. If he doesn't want one and its because he wants his toys and his freedom than maybe its not good idea. But if he just doesn't want one because hes not sure he can handle it I think maybe you need to give him a trial run. Find someone who has a child who can come and play with your for the day and leave him with them and see how he does. Grant you with an older child it is alot easier than a baby but babies grow fast. If he can handle it than I say fight. But if he had a hard time than I say hink about it. Its really is a hard decision to make. I do know though I need a job and I have been looking for one.

I think its sad if you have more kids and put them in day care. Sorry that sounds Bad, But Why Have them if your not gonna raise them really?

Good Morning,

I can feel your issue, in the beginning my husband and I did not want anymore children I have two boys 9 and 5. Now, however, I am feeling like I want another one...very badly! I would like to try one more time for that girl. By the way I am 27 and he is 34. He is a firm NO and I am going back and forth. As of now we have decent employment but like you said anything can happen in this economy.

I have been on b/c for 5 years and I want to get off. I don't feel like it's all up to me to control the family planning part and just like he doesn't want to be "fixed" I don't either.

I know you said you're not going to mess around w/ your b/c, however I keep telling my husband that I am coming off. I feel like 5 yrs is a long time to be on hormones. I have been telling him for the past year to ready him so when I get off if he really doesn't want more kids he will do what he has to do. If he doesn't then I guess we will be having a large family.

Sorry I don't have an answer but I wanted to share what I was going through also. Hope you don't mind. Hope yours works out, still deciding what to do in mine.