M.D. asks from Flat Rock, MI on April 12, 2009
Looking for Help with What to Do with Different Sides of Having Another Child
Okay. I want another child and my husband doesn't. We have a 5.5 and a 3.5 year old. My husband is 35 and I am 32. We both have good jobs and we believe we are safe with our employement, but I know anything can happen in this economy and have witnessed it with family and friends.
Since having our first child I wanted 3. I envisioned our family having 3 children. I did express that to my husband then, he at the time said one child at a time. We even bought a house with 4 bedrooms. Well time is a ticking and I would have liked to already have had the 3rd. So I am 100% want another one and he is 100% don't want another one. Most of his reasons are money related and I agree that you should look at money first to make sure you are able to provide for your family. I did that, I take care of the finances and we can afford another.
He says we have the perfect family and boy and a girl. If we had two of the same sex then he would be more open to it but we don't so he says it is a closed decison because in this situation, there has to be two yeses.
Am I crazy for wanting another one? I have been praying for an answer to my dilema and thus far we are still no where. We have been decising this topic for a good 3 weeks.
Being a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me a better person. The first night we talked about this and he was so NO...I had a deep pain in my chest (almost like I was mourning a loss of someone) and cryed. I told him that I don't feel complete and his response was, well I do and we are blessed with two healthy kids and that should be enough. He envisions that money that is dedicated to daycare will now go more to him and things he wants. To me that is material...I think the complete opposite. He also stated that he can not handle the two we have. He does the drop off in the AM....I do everything else. Don't get me wrong he helps, the best he can, but I do most of the chores and keeping the kids organized.
I just don't know if I can just let this go. I feel like if I do....I will regret it and resent him when we are older. Any advise from some people that have been in this position? Am I fighting a winless battle?
And no I don't believe that I should "mess" around with my BC to conceive. If we have another one, I want it to be a mutal decision.
Not sure what else to share to give background, but there you have it.
1 mom found this helpful
A.M. answers from Saginaw on April 13, 2009
I would have another, I just did and now I have 3 (two boys and a girl) it is perfect. I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH Andrea below, maybe SHE wants to stay home but some people want a career and studies have proven that children are OK with daycare, plus it teaches them social skills.....I REPEAT DO NOT LISTEN TO ANDREA, that was a rather selfish response.
E.F. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
Tough situation. Here is my thought on it....you only live once, and you have one shot at a family to be with you the rest of your life. You can always get more money or more things, but none of that can replace the love of a child. My Mom always said, "An heir (boy), a mare (girl), and a spare." Three is a good number, but you really needy hubby on board so that he is not resentful. One of you is going to have to give. So what is a few more dollars spent on another child? In the whole scheme of things, will one more make that much difference? Give him time, and talk, talk, TALK! Good luck! And by the way, my husband wanted 2....but after each one, he wanted another. We have 5, not much money, but a whole lot of love and happiness in our home. I'll take that any day!
1 mom found this helpful
M.O. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
I think praying and communication is your only options! If you have a 3rd you want your husband "onboard." I know the heart strings attached to having a 3rd. Last year I finally got pregnant with #3, My boys were 5.5 and 3.5 at the time! My husband was not excited about #3 like our first 2, I think because he was ready to be done and he felt that #3 was MY decision. It took us 7 monthes to get pregnant, so I think in the back of his mind we wouldn't get pregnant again. (with my boys I got pregnant right away.) My husband would make comments like: you wanted this one, when I'd be getting sick in the morning- which is not like my husband. Anyway, long story short- I ended up losing our little girl at 18 weeks along, don't know why... we went for a regular 18 week ultrasound and she looked perfect, but her heart had stopped beating. I believe to this day that God was looking out for our marriage and our children. Since we lost Kayla, me and my husband have had a hard time, but through communication and a lot of prayer we both decided to try again 100% willing at both ends. I am now 32 weeks pregnant and we are both so excited for our 4th child!!! I am so blessed to have gone through that heart ache, Kayla is my little angel that showed my husband that there is something worse that having a third child... losing our third child!
I will keep you in prayer, and just keep talking to your husband about how important #3 is to you!!!
1 mom found this helpful
J.H. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
This is a tough one... I can't blame your husband for not wanting a third child. But I also can't blame you for wanting one... I think the suggestion of counseling for the two of you to work through the issue is a very good one. One of you may find that your reasons for wanting or not wanting a third child are very different from what appears to be the reason on the surface (finances/filling a void). Either way, you need to both come to a decision as a couple to keep the marriage strong. I wish you the best!
D.T. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
M. - Wow I went through the very same thing...I too have one boy one girl and several years back really wanted the 3rd. My husband like yours really used the same reasoning...we have one of each, daycare is a waste of $, we can do more with 2 and even we can give 2 more of ourselves. At the time I was really sad and thought he didn't know what he was talking about how dare he how inconsiderate how selfish of him what would he know he is the dad and only does some of the work.....but I decided to pray on it and knew it would work itself out. My kids are now 10 and 13 and you know truth be told my 2 are lucky to have the life they have and I am happy every day I can give them the things they want (including my time) and plan for the things we want for them. I don't know if there is a right or wrong decision here - everyone's perfect family is a different size. I am not sorry giving up the fight for the 3rd ~ I am happy my husband and I are both in sinc and we are both happy and in love with the 2 we have.
A.S. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
Melissa - get a grip! You are only 32 years old - your husband saying no now doesn't mean always. He's just being completely sensible - he sees you've got two VERY small children and wants to enjoy them - not add another little very-demanding person in a very tough economy. You have got SO much time to make this decision - you are not 44 with your biological clock ticking loudly - so sit back and have a great time with the wonderful kids you have. My family is two children who are three and a half years apart - then a six year gap. My eldest is almost 15 - my baby is five. I can't tell you how wonderful this arrangement is - the two big kids adore `the baby', plus I have built in babysitters. I truly had a blast with my third as my two oldest kids were at school all day and the baby and I could do such fun things together. Also, not that I'm suggesting this for you, my little one was `an accident' - my husband and I were completely shocked as we thought our family was complete. Needless to say, the little one is the apple of my husband's eye. Hope this helps - good luck - Alison
S.S. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
Well I read several of the responses you received and I thought I needed to add my own...:) First off please just listen to what I say and please don't take it as I am being harsh, just my opinion, okay? I can feel for what you are saying. I only have one child and I am 37 yrs. old, I very much wanted at least 2. When our son was one yr. we started for another. We tried for 2 yrs, had 3 IUI's and nothing worked. I decided at that time it was in god's hands. Well I never was able to have another one. With that being said about 2 yrs. ago I really wanted to try again and my husband was against it, said we were blessed with one and he was happy where we were in life, our son was 7 at the time. I begged and pleaded to please try and he was still always no. I thought my DH was being very selfish. He always said to me, be happy for what we have and not what we don't have. That really stuck with me. Instead of dwelling on agruing with my husband and resenting him for not allowing me to have another child, I learned to focus on all the good I had surrounding me. At that point I really felt I enjoyed my son more (not that I never did), I enjoyed my husband more, myself more because I was blessed with a whole lot. About 7 mos. ago I had to had a hysterectomy talk about being in a bad situation. Now no more of my own kids ever. At first I resented my husband for not willing to try again for a second child, and then look what happened. But I turned it around and thought about all that I was blessed with. I understand you think you husband is being selfish. But I don't think so. You have a great family, sounds like your husband has been supportive for what you have, he isn't against kids just more kids. I just need to say, I think you are being selfish for thinking that way. He has supported you through 2 kids, don't make him regret you for putting more pressure on him, in the case another child adds unecessary stress, to either money or marriage troubles. Please, you need to be happy for what you have and not what you don't have. I think if you live by that motto, things will happen that were ment to be. I do agree with one of the girls that said maybe you are trying to fill a void with another child and it may be something else you need. Please take this as just helpful criticism and not that I am yelling at you okay!? I wish I could have more kids, but I have learned to be happy with what I have and every day of my life is a gift from God. Take care and Good luck,
L.W. answers from Detroit on April 13, 2009
Hi Melissa. It sounds like you are a very good mom and wifey. You are a woman who enjoys her life as a mother first then a wife and there is nothing wrong with that. However a descion to have another child is a heavy subject. You do have two beautiful children which your hubby helps you out with and probably adores his kids and you as well. But it seems that from the beginning when you expressed that you wanted three kids and based on his response, he really wasnt sure about that and thats why his response was'nt "sure honey, whatever you want". What you have to do is consider his opinion first and the way he feels. In some way it seems like you want to complete the set, but will you really stop after the third one? You love kids and thats a blessing but dont try to keep collecting them like stuffed teddy bears..lol! just kidding but seriously the economy is bad and the more kids you add to the list, the more sacrifrices has to be made. Your husband doesnt want to consider another child because he doesent want to sacrifice anything else especially his time with you! You really have to soul search and ask yourself is this desire of yours a good choice for you, your husband and you two kids and go from there and keep praying! God bless you and your family.
R.W. answers from Jackson on April 13, 2009
We use natural family planning.
When my husband and I were at an impasse about adding a 4th child to the mix, I asked that we pray about it seperatly for a month, seeking direction. After that month was up I handed him my chart and thermometer and told him it was his responsibility to prevent another child if he felt that a 4th would be too much for him. I also asked that he continue to pray about it because I felt that having another baby was the right decision.