Looking for Advice! Going Nuts!!

1. Talk to a lawyer.. make sure that you realize, economically and for your kids, what leaving (a divorce) would do.
2. See a counselor. You sound depressed, and there are some medications that sometimes help.
3. Summer camp for the boy.
4. Half day daycare for the girl.

If husband objects, tell him that camp / daycare is cheaper than the divorce attorney, that you need help, and that you're getting it. One way or the other.

5. If you want to lose weight, lose it. You might try t-tapp. (I'd recommend the MORE workout.) It's some really different exercise, massive inch loss, and the diet is the easiest I've ever found. Hint, though: don't think of it as depriving yourself of comfort food. Think of it as something completely selfish that you're doing for you. Your stamina and endurance will skyrocket, I promise.

6. I love and swear by nogreaterjoy.org. Their child training section is unmatched anywhere.

You can do it - Moms are empowered with the ability to do anything. :)

S.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, L.! I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so unappreciated in your life right now! My heart goes out to you and I will pray for your family and your peace of mind. You did not mention if you are a member of a church. I know that a lot of churches have life groups where you basically meet with other people who have the same interests as you once a week. You get to enjoy making great new friends and learn about God. YOu mentioned a weight issue and they even offer aerobics and other exercise groups at different times. They are free and most even offer free childcare. The church I attend is wonderful, Community Bible Church off of 1604 and Gold Canyon. I don't know how spiritual/religious you are(or whatever you want to call it. but i know firsthand that having God in your life is of great comfort because it helps us keep our focus on what we will be achieving through Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 tells us "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

God loves us and wants us to have peace in our lives. I encourage you to seek him. True Christians, even though we pass through our trials, always continue to seek and thank him for all of our blessings. It may be hard at times but we really are so blessed and take so many things for granted.

I also encourage you (if you are interested) to post a prayer request on my family's website. WWW.AlwaysGiveThanks.COM We have an area for prayer requests and Praise Reports, as well as an online Bible study held on Sunday evenings at 7p.m.
I pray you find strength! God Bless you!

1 mom found this helpful

I would say you need to read some Dr.Phil books, or other self help books or go to a life coach to help you get your life the way you want it. Life is too short to continue to do what you don't want to do. And your weight doesnt have anything to do with what you can and cant do, it has more to do with your self esteem. And you are settling its your life and you teach people how to treat you, you dont have to wait for your husband to change you can only change your self no one else. Get out more take your kids to the park,pool, library, and be firm with your kids and stick to what you say, kids just want to know what the rules are and if the whats going to happen is always the same.Good Luck

i don't have any advice but i know how you feel

L.,

I am a SAHM also, and in order for any situation to work, both parents have to be on board. If your kids don't obey you, they are looking at the example your husband is setting. If he isn't paying attention to you or the kids, it just rolls down hill. You have to have enough respect for yourself (whether you are overweight or not) to demand respect from your kids and your husband. YOU are the mother, YOU are in charge, THEY are the children. Until they get jobs and start paying some bills, they live in YOUR house, under YOUR rules. One other thing, I think you should work on your relationship with your kids. Saying you are "stuck" with them while your husband is gone isn't a good sign. I'll tell you this, once you draw your line in the sand for what you will take and won't take and what you expect from your kids, whether it is cleaning their rooms or making the beds, taking out the trash, etc. Don't back down. You have to stand firm, if you retreat from your stand, everyone will remain miserable. You can love your kids immensely and still demand respect from them. So many people confuse love with constant giving and it's just not the same thing. You will always love your children, no matter what they do, but they have to learn that even though you will love them regardless, their actions are what make them even more deserving of love from you and from others. Don't worry about the weight loss right now, you have time. It's depressing, I know to have extra weight, but if you can work on the relationship with your kids you will find that what you are seeking in the food, you will find in spending time with them (good, quality time). Get out of the house. I don't know where you are located, but where I am there is something going on everyday at the zoo, children's museum, somewhere, even if its just Chucky Cheese, get out of the house. Sorry this has been so long, but I've been there. Good luck and God bless.

Sounds like you take care of everyone but yourself.

The hard thing to realize is that if you have nothing then you have nothing to give. You are important to making this family work. I think if you had some time for yourself these issues and stress would be more managable.

I think you are medicating yourself with food and really you are not helping as you feel guilty and sluggish later. I am not sure what you enjoy doing and maybe you are not at this point but you might consider going to curves or some other activity that would require you to commit at least 30 minutes to taking care of just you.

I think once you are feeling better about you it will impact your marriage and you can feel better about asking for what you need from your husband.

If nothing else get out and move. Take the kids with you and make it a family event.

Hang in there!
S.

Hello,
I totally sympathize with what you are feeling. It is very isolating and demanding being with kids 24/7. One feels like they are always on duty. I am blessed that my husband helps me, but I have often thought about what it would be like if he didn't. I say take a few steps to improve your life before you get drastic. I need to lose some weight and i decided to join 24 hour fitness(right now they have a discount to join and it's a month to month club which means it's not a long commitment).It's an opportunity to take some aggression out and feel better. They have an on sight childcare center which means you can take an hour of non mom time and do something for yourself. I know the Y also offers different programs which are day camps for kids. As far as your husband goes, don't leave him a choice. Tell him you're going out, grab the keys and go. Don't ask him permission, just do what you need to do. He doesn't ask you permission! I wish you the best of luck.

I definately agree with Amanda. I am also overweight and have been trying to do some outdoor exercise with my kids every couple of days. We go for a nature walk, they ride their bikes while I walk. When we go to the park, I get out there and play with them. I have found that by doing this, I have been losing weight. Very slowly, but it is making a difference and is better than just sitting on the couch watching TV, and only cleaning when the house gets bad. This has also increased my energy levels which is crucial when dealing with your kids. I understand the kids arguing. Mine are very close in age to yours and I have many of the same problems. Mine are ADHD and so they are in counseling. Their doctor is working with us on creating a behavior management program. If you can't afford or don't want to see a professional for this kind of help, I know there are several books out their that discuss this type of program and how to create one (of course, I cannot remember at this time, but if I do, I will get the info to you). The biggest thing with the kids is consistency. Explain the rules, the consequences for breaking the rules and then stick to it. Don't let things slide or they will continue to push the limits until you are back to where you are now. This is what happened to us and why we are getting assistance in dealing with the kids, more specifically my son, because the traditional forms of punishment (time outs, taking away favorite toys/items, etc.) just do not work with him.

I am going nuts also! All of my "friends" work and my husband is gone quite a bit! I swear days go by and I don't talk to a single grown up!! I am looking for someone to walk with in the evenings and basically a support system for not losing my mind and getting in better shape! If you are interested let me know!!!

It sounds like you are in quite a funk. I've been there. Here is my advice:
1) find your best girlfriend, sister, someone and organize a getaway to take place in the next month or so. You don't have to go too far or spend a fortune, just go somewhere. Plan well, so that you can leave the kids with family and the shop will be okay and take this time for you. It would be even better if you could arrange to do this with hubby (but definitely not the kids), but if he's not willing or able to for any reason, plan it anyway with a friend. Do it. It's critical - trust me.
2) while you are away - enjoy it for what it is. Enjoy the quiet. Enjoy the freedom. Focus on yourself. Make a list of what is important, what you deserve, what your husband and kids deserve, and decide what you are.
3) Come home relaxed, rejuvinated, and ready to tackle one issue at a time (several in a day or week, but one at a moment in time). For example, find a parenting seminar or a great recommended book to learn new ways of working with your children and guiding them to be the best they can be. If they're fighting all the time, they aren't happy either and you need to help them find that happiness. Work on your body and mind. Replace negative thinking with positive thoughts. Do a little something in the form of movement/exercise each day just for you. Praise yourself for every good choice you make regarding exercise and proper eating. Don't beat yourself up over the poor choices. Acknowledge them, say something positive, and make a plan for improvement.
4) I would really tackle those negative thoughts about your home life and family. "Stuck with the kids" "don't have energy or strength" etc. Start looking at each one as a blessing. Create a positive message for each negative one.
5) Try meeting up with other moms and doing activities together. Some places to look would be like "meetup.com" may have a mom's group in your area that go to fun places with the kids so kids and mom's socialize.

Work on yourself. Give yourself what you need, which is time away, positive thinking, a clear goal for your family and understanding of the power of your role in it. Best of luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep us informed!

Dear L.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel. It is also his responsibility not only yours. He needs to step up to the plate. Have you ever heard of , "It takes a village to raise a child?" Well it does, and he is of no help

You also need to get on a more healthy eating habits. the reason you are so tired is because of your weight , and the reason you are overweight is because you are stressed. Go and join a jazzercize club or curves, tell him after the fact and then go, tell your husband he has to take care of the kids for one hour . You will feel the difference. Good luck.

H.

I know how this feels, and i feel like this too sometimes. it is hard to work from the house, and to be home alone with the kids all day. First of all, i would try and get together with the parents of some of the children's playmates from school or moms day out and arrange for playdates, and alternating taking eachother's kids. We got season passes to Sea World since many of my friends have them too and we can either go together as a group, or alternate taking eachother's kids. It's around 50 bucks, but worth every cent for the things that they see and learn, and for the exercise and fresh air they get from navigating the park. there are also public parks that are quiet and safe, like the one down the street from me (off Chevy Chase near the intersection of Eisenhauer. There is a ball park, toddler area and covered picnic area and there is hardly ever anyone there. you could sit in the shade while the kids play, and it's definitely a good place to meet up with friends.
It is soooo depressing when your whole life feels like work. The day in and day out of kids, laundry, cooking and housework can be sooo mundane and joyless. I am at the point where i have considered going back to work, just for the exercise, interaction and change of pace. I would even consider doing it if every penny earned went to a cleaning lady and a sitter, for at least you would be out of the house, and not slave to the demands of it for a while. Also, if you are working outside of the house and bringing in an income, you have every right to ask for help from your husband and kids with the household duties, like the cleaning, laundry and meals. it will have to be everyone's job, not just yours.
I would talk to your husband about it, and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you need change to be able to change yourself. Tell him that you need these changes to be a happier , healthier person, and in turn, to be a better mother and wife.
He may not wholly agree, but it is not for him to decide. If you must remain in this sort of situation for the rest of summer, i would start planning your day with lots of structure for the kids. Firstly, I would make the kids breakfast, or have your son make his own, and help to make hers. Give praise for their help/work. Establish an award system for their cooperation, and make them earn things that they take for granted, like the tv or computer. Instead of using your kid's draw to the tv or computer to keep them occupied, give them coupons for time blocks to use these things. With your son's cooperation in the morning with breakfast, making the bed, showering and dressing, he earns a coupon to use the computer or tv or gameboy later in the day. Have the kids get active with chores like sweeping or feeding the pets, or emptying the dishwasher. load up the washer and have them pour in the soap for you, have a race to match up their socks from the dryer. In the afternoon, establish what my daughter had at camp, which is FOB, which means" flat on back" or "feet on bunk." this is an hour or so where your kids have to be on the bed, and nap, read or do something quietly. this will help the little one nap, and give the older one a little break before he gets antsy midday.
Take them for a walk or bike ride before dinner. Use the neighborhood pool, or the ymca, or the pool at the gym. Have everyone help make dinner by setting the table, washing veggies, tearing lettuce etc. Give praise and rewards for the teamwork. maybe have a daily log where they earn points every day for a week or two towards a special day out or a treat.
it is hard to give the kids structure if you cannot follow it yourself, and that is challenging, i know. Kids crave and almost demand structure to thrive, so maybe you could give it a try? maybe start incorporating a few of your own ideas into their routine and see how they respond.
best of luck to you.- Lace Z

Summer is almost over. Really it is. This is July, and school starts in August. Keep reminding yourself of that. If you can't hang in there another month, then tell your husband that you need some house help. I know this sounds expensive, but it's really not as bad as all that. Put an ad on the local grocery store window. Say you need someone to watch your children, in your home, for about $50 a day 1-2 days a week. Then you'll have four days a week away from your kids (I'm counting the Tues and Thurs you mentioned). It will probably take about a week to find someone, and then, hopefully, it will only take about two weeks for you to relax enough to make it that final week.

The kids screaming and fighting is another matter entirely. Once you have de-stressed, you need to buckle down. Buy yourself a book on parenting, or find a good internet resource. If your kids are unbearable, YOU must do something.

As to a divorce, my main concern is that it sounds as if you are really trying to run away from your kids. You will still have to deal with them, trust me. Even if you refuse any sort of custody, refuse to pay child support, and flee the country, you'll eventually have to face them. Remember: you are their mother. You will always be their mother. If they scream and fight, it is your JOB to teach them a better way, not to run and hide and say you can't cope. A break - yes. Running away - never. They will love you for it in the end.

That's not to say that your husband shouldn't step up. He should. You should seriously sit down and talk to him about things. You also must take into account your own behaviour. When he said, "Only if they bring it up," there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have gone to them and told them to bring it up with him - especially if they were going to be disappointed when they didn't get to go. There is no harm in saying "Go ask your dad to help you with that", "Just wait until your father gets home", or "I don't know. I'll discuss it with your father later." As the lady of the house, you have quite a bit of power and control. Seize it!

Get out of the house. Easier said than done, but your kids are old enough to enjoy outside activities. The quickest way my daughter simmers down is to open the back door. A quick game of tag or red light/green light changes the kids mood and gives me a quick energy burst. The 5' difference of getting in the middle of the play vs watching them play from the porch is huge.

Hi L., I am sorry to hear you are so sad. I am very lucky to have a husband that helps out tremendously but I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. I would probably be in the same place as you.

I am a stay at home mom as well and I used to feel tied down to the house, all I would do is sit on the couch and watch TV all day long. But I decided that a way to keep myself motivated and not get into such a rut would be to do something for myself. I decided that I wanted to earn money for myself so I would have my own income to go out and do things for myself like get my hair done, get a massage or just shop at the mall.

I decided to become a crew member with Noah's Ark Animal Workshop. You can visit my website: www.myhuggableparty.com this is not a solicitation for your business, I truly am so much happier now that I joined this company. You can have your kids help you in all aspects of the business so it truly is the ultimate family business. Perhaps if your children help you do something constructive you will see a new side of them, and they in turn will see a new side of you and you can start to get along with them better. It may help them get along better with each other as well. It will give your 8 yr old a sense of responsibility and your 3 year old something else to concentrate on. You can even let your 8 year old "work" for you and earn rewards for a job well done. And you can excersize while you pass out your flyers!!

I also agree that finding a church would be a great help for you. I too attend CBC off of 1604 and it's a great place.

I wish you all the best in your life and I hope you find happiness soon so that you can continue to be the good mother I am sure you already are.

I am sorry to hear that you have been driven to a point in your life in which you are no longer happy. I would highly suggest that you stop and re-evaluate the blessings in your life and be very grateful for what you do have. You should search for happiness in what God has put before you. I will pray that you will find your happiness once again, please know that it will eventually affect your children as well so it is important that you do find peace in your life.