K.K. asks from Leonidas, MI on February 01, 2007
Looking for Advice
I have a 9 year old daughter that doesn't have any contact with her biological father. He left me when I was pregnant and has seen her once and that was at 6 months old. I am not sure how to approach this issue. She knows about him but she knows my husband as daddy. I have been with my husband for 8 years. I have heard stories of kids that get really depressed and such because of a situation like this. Should I get counseling or what? I know she doesn't know the concept of having kids but I don't know when a good time would be. Please leave comments.
So What Happened?™
Thanks to you all that replied to my request because it does feel better to know that others go through the same thing and can give me feedback... I have decided not to get her counseling because she seems happy and does good in school. My husband is going to adopt her but we have to be married one year. I am hoping when she does know all about it that she doesn't have anger towards me. I have decided to just be honest and see where that gets me down the road. Thanks again everyone!
S.P. answers from Detroit on February 01, 2007
Hi K., I was in teh same situation as your daughter, I have not seen my biological father for years, every now and then he would pop up in my life. I don't think a 9 year old is old enough to understand, especially since she knows her step dad as daddy, When she is ready to know, she will ask you! Wait for her cues. Then later on in life leave it up to her if she wants to address her biologocal father or not.
Don't be worried like me, it sounds like she has a great step DAD!! who has stepped in and been that roll model she needs in her life!
C.G. answers from Detroit on February 07, 2007
I am in a similar situation as well except Im not married. When my 7 year old asks questions I am as honest as one can be. I cannot answer why his dad isnt here thats something he will have to do on his own. However, I am going through the Friend of Court and having his parents rights revoked due to abandonment so if God forbidding anything happens to me he has no legal or physical claim to my son. If my son wants to contact his father when he is older that will be his decision to make and I will support that. In the meantime I make no big issue of his dad not being around and he is completely fine and doesnt need any counseling or anything. When all else fails PRAY! Hope this helps!
S.C. answers from Detroit on February 11, 2007
you have the exact situtation as I only my daughter is 2 and I left MY ex. my husband and I have discussed many many times not sure what to do and how to do it and all that. We had just come to the conclusion that as long as we tell her together and are sensitive to her feelings, also a bif key in it is to let her know if she has any questions or just wants to talk she can come to either one of us. Be sure to ASK her what her feelings are on the situation, these kids have them sometimes it just takes a push to get them out. let her know nothing has changed your husband is still her daddy and loves her very much as far as her age if YOU feel she's mature enough to fully comprehend the situation then tell her between 9-11 years old is a good age because if you wait tioo long she'll feel lied too. of course if she keeps asking now you should get together with your husband and do it now. hope this helps and hope I take my own advice when mine turns nine :) bye.
L.W. answers from Detroit on February 01, 2007
I was a child who grew up with a dad who gave me his name at birth. He was and always be my dad no matter what. My bio father who said I wasn't his did try to approach me at age 16, of which I didn't want to have anything to do with him. My dad pasted away over 20 yrs ago and I miss him dearly. I have thought about contacting my bio-father but really wouldn't know what to talk about. He made choices and really the only thing we have in common is we share the same genes, blood.
I can't remember when my mom first told me about it. But I had allot of anger toward him for a long time.
I am a mom to 2 wonderful boys and myself have remarried. My husband has been dad to them for 7 yrs. Their bio-father has chosen to leave their life for over 6 yrs now. They are 13 and 15 and do know what happened and that he was never told he couldn't see them. I went to great lengths to keep visitation. To the detriment of them. So when we were advice to seek visitation at our home. He stopped coming. He made a choice and there is nothing we can do about it. They are in counseling and have talked it over with me. It is never easy to think about a parent not wanting to be in your life. It hurts and really makes you think about why , what was wrong with you? etc.
If you feel your daughter is mature enough to handle it then talk to her about it. If she is in her teens it will be difficult. Being a teen is difficult enough then having to deal with something like that. You could also set up some counseling I do know of a place depending on where you live. But ask them their views and they will be able to help you through it.
I think everyone should have the right to know about a parent who has not been in their life. It is just a matter of doing it in the right way as to not result in anger and resentment towards you.
If you want to email me offlist please feel free to.
This is difficult to have to go through, and sad as well.
J.K. answers from Saginaw on February 02, 2007
K., I fully understand your situation. My daughter who is now 21yrs old lived this situation. Her biological father saw her a few times until the age of 2. She was not around him enough to know or understand "daddy" yet. So she had no idea about her father. However, when she asked questions, and when things came up at school like doing projects for fathers day and such I ALWAYS told her the 100% truth. I didn't say anything bad about her father, but I did say when she gets older (18) and as an adult will be able to understand whatever becomes of them meeting I would help her find him. During the years we talked many times about him. I showed her pictures so she knew where she came from and that she was conceived out of LOVE. Most children really need to know in this type of situation they were not an "ACCIDENT". My daughter was great with this and we had a rule that anytiime she felt down because of this situation, she could come to me and we would openly talk til she felt better. When she was 19 the time came and I finally found her father. When she was ready I made the phone call and let him know "SHE" was ready to talk to her biological father. So that night we did a 3 way call and they spoke. It went good for a while for phone calls but she unfortunetly seen the side of him that I saw and I left him. She wanted to meet him face to face but he couldn't make the time for her. So in her words: My mom did as she promised for 18 years and now I know why she made the best decision for us both and left him. The open communications about this situation is the best way to go. That will not put you in the dog house later for keeping things from her. Especially if something was to happen to him before she got to meet him. I wish you all the luck. Remember kids are pretty smart, specially how their hearts feel. Teach her its great to have 2 father figures ~ what a lucky girl she is to have 2 fathers love her. If you need someone to chat with feel free to contact me I know you have a hard road to travel down.
Best wishes. J.
N.W. answers from Detroit on February 01, 2007
I wouldn't turn it in to an issue. If she is happy, has a father/father figure and isn't asking questions, why bring it up? If/when she asks, be honest. If at that time, you think she could benefit from counseling, offer it.
R.C. answers from Grand Rapids on February 02, 2007
It's hard and sad when a dad wants nothing to do with a child. My 10 year old never sees her bio dad either. But it seems like your girl has a good father at home and she choses him as daddy. I wouldn't put her in counseling now if there's no probelm, it would just be pointing out that she shouldn't be happy with a good situation. My girl loves her stepdad he's wonderful. If she does get sad sometimes it's okay just remind her of all the great people in her family who are there and love her endlessly.
D.C. answers from Detroit on February 02, 2007
I am gong to be 23 in April, and haven't seen my biological father in 18 yrs. I also now have 2 sons. One is not biologicaly my husbands, but he adopted him. My son Brenton never sees his biological father, and hasn't in about 3 yrs. (he's 5 now) He thinks of my husband as his dad. I did with my son what my mom did with me. I made sure Brenton understands that at one time he had a different dad, and when he talks about him he refers to him as his dad from when he was in my belly. I keep the pictures that I have of his biological father and pictures of them together (even thought there aren't many)in a photo album just for him. I also have a few pics of my biological father but not many. My son's biological father and I do not get along, and we had a REALLY bad relationship, but I never talk bad about him to Brenton no matter how much I dislike him. I have made sure that I've kept the same phone number so that Brenton can't think his BF had no way to get ahold of him. We also own our own home, so he knows where we live. I've never been depressed over my situation and my son hasn't either. I just make sure that I answer the questions that he has, and keep a positive attitude about it. As far as your daughter goes, if she is showing signs of depression, talk to her about how she feels about the situation. If you feel she needs counsling, then by all means get it for her. I think that if you answer her questions if she has any, and don't bash her biological father (trust me they will form their own opinions about these guys) everything should be okay!!! Me and my son are both very happy. And while we grew up with Daddy's that wern't intended to be our own, they have always treated us the same as the other childern, and never made us feel any different or less loved. I hope this helps, and sorry it was sooo long!!!! Good Luck!! -D.