Listening Problems--Four Year Old Boys

My 3 1/2 year old son does the same thing all by himself. I usually end up making him stop and look at me in the eyes or holding his face so he almost can't NOT look at my eyes. He still get's lots of timeouts for that. I'm starting to take away privileges (like going somewhere he really wants to go, or doing something he really wants to do - it's usually airplane related since he's obsessed with airplanse) in hopes that that will be more effective. And I try to be overly happy/appreciative when he does something good...

Good luck.

Wow S., I know that can be a handful!! I had kids again when my oldest was 16yrs...a major adjustment! With my 5yr old son I saw him starting to tune me out at times..I had a little talk w/him & said that when I say "now look into my eyes" I mean business! It's really worked well...I do raise my voice a little which has an impact! Try to get them to make eye contact..it's a good place to start!
Best of luck, C.

Ask them to repeat what you have just said. Make it a game if you can. That might help. But then boys are like men (Ha!Ha!) they never listen.

I would say that it is normal for children in this age group to push boundaries and to ignore you in an attempt to be independent. I will say along with that, that a mother's instinct is the most powerful thing in the world. If you think there could be something wrong see your pediatrician and push them to look more closely.
Also, I teach Kindermusik and one of the things we work on with this age group is what is called Active Listening. We do a lot of activities where we play a sound and then have the children, after listening closely, tell us about what they heard and mimic the sound, etc. In our society it is a very rare for us to just hear once specific sound. With everything we do and all of the electronics that we have it is very easy to be distracted. Listening is a learned skill. As a society we have not learned this skill very well and therefore we aren't very good at teaching it. Working on actual Active Listening sills can really help in situations like this. Another thing that helps is working on inhibitory control. Activities like Freeze Dancing and Simon says combine active listening and inhibitory control which often translates in a great ability to understand and follow directions.
I hope this helps. Feel free to email me if you need some ideas on how to get these activities started. ____@____.com

My son is four and you would think I was talking to myself. Drives me crazy! The only way I can make sure he has heard me, is to make him repeat what I say. Once he's done this, it really seems to sink in. I keep hearing age is 5 is easier, I hope so....

I have 5 kids, 4 boys and 1 girl, and the 2 youngest are 7 year old twin boys. Their energy level seems to "feed" off each other and increase when together, but when they are seperated they mind so much better. I think that is just part of it. Mine did have hearing problems when they were babies, but nothing really changed as that improved, and their hearing is fine now. They are just full of energy and very adventurous. Good Luck. W. K.

This is absolutely normal for 4 yr old boys. I found that teaching my kids to make eye contact with me when I speak to them helps. Sometimes I will have him repeat back to me what I said, before I let him go about. It helps to always use the same eye contact reminder like, "look at my eyes", and to stand within a couple feet of them while speaking, maybe even at eye level. Sometime I gently guide his chin help get his attention. Hope this helps!

Since they are multiples, I would almost bet it is an issue of auditory processing. Many people consider this "normal" for boys, but it is not. I would recommend a neurodevelopmental class for you, Mom, so you can decide whether or not you think there are things you need to pursue further.

Hi S.,

I am having the same problem with my almost 4 year old! I think it comes with the age group. We will tell him not to do the same thing over and over and he does it anyway or he asks questions repeatedly because he isn't listening to the response! Argh! I look forward to seeing what kind of responses you get. Best Wishes!

I don't think it's a twin issue at all. I think it's a problem with a lot of children. I spoke to my daughter about my concern when my granddaughter (who was 3 and 4 at the time) would just ignore you when you spoke to her. At times, I felt it was even a safety issue.

She is 6 now and in first grade. I have to say that going to school has tremendously helped this issue.

But I think parents should be prepared to go through this issue over and over . . . especially when they get to be teenagers.

I have two boys that are 17 months apart, 4 and 6 and they are sometimes "like twins". They sort of do the same thing and more so when they are together. You just have to be consistent and make consequences when they don't listen. When they ignore you, say "okay, since you are not listening, no snack for you today." When they intentionally do what they are not supposed to, put them immediately in time out or tell them you will put them into bed 10, 15, 30 minutes before normal bedtime.

It works for me. You just have to be consistent in the consequences for not following the rules.

Hope this helps.

I am the mother of 5 year old twin boys, also a "later in life MOM" . I think that this problem is sometimes very much a twin thing. I tell one of my boys to stop doing something and the other will turn right around and do the same thing. Setting real ground rules worked for me to help get control. Seperating them when needed, taking away priviledges, and time outs alone also helped. I don;t want to sound like I am am a control freak or an extemely strict parent. I am neither, I have simply discovered that the twins need more of a structured invironment. More rules means more co-operation. They know whats expected from them and so they tend to co-operate better. Good luck

Hi S.,
I can't speak to twins, but I have a two y/o and a 4 y/o, and if they are together they feed off each other and don't listen. I think it's just the age. If you figure something out, let me know!
Good luck,
A.

I am also a mom of four year old twins (boy/girl). I think that it has alot to do with the age. I have noticed that if it make them stop and look me in the face when I am talking to them they seem to absorb what I am saying! I can't say that it works all the time, but it does make them realize that when I have something important to say and ask them to look at me they will realize that I am serious. I hope this works for you also.

I have triplets that are 4 (born prem at 24 weeks and one David has cerebral palsy so does not walk or talk yet).
The other 2 certainly just do not listen sometimes - especially when watching tv. Part of this is from seeing Daddy do the same thing. I ask dad a question and the answer may be tomarrow! I would not worry but just tell tem they need to listen. I really do not understand it cause I am the one that brings them toy shopping and to parks etc but they would not ignore Dad like they do me! (dad is a bit tougher than me!). Hope this helps. 4yr olds twins and triplets we are blessed. I was after 18 yrs!
J.

When my children were young, I instituted the rule of "3 times your out" - that went for everything. I would tell them/ask them to do something once, then twice, and if I had to tell them 3 times, there was a small privledge taken away or a small punishment enforced. As they grew older, the "3 times your out" helped even more when it came to chores, such as "please take out the garbage", "please mow the lawn", etc., Then, if I ended up doing the chore, they knew they were in trouble already. Good Luck

don't know that it will help but we often have to "change the batteries" in our listening ears. Once we switch out the "batteries" it seems to help a bit. We pretend by making clicking noises and fiddling with my son's ears. Sometimes we add "funny" batteries too.

Hi S.,
I have twin nephews and 2 boys of my own. Always remember that your children have a 24/7 playmate. Really that is the only thing that is different fron a singleton at 4. Here are a few tips that have helped us. Only give them 1 task at a time, also always follow through. It is really hard but always make sure they know that you will remember and make good on the consequences of them not listening. Lastly respect. Teach your boys to respect you just as you respect them as independent growing boys. Good Luck

Are you kidding me? At this age, they all listening problems. However if these are normal growing boys as I think that they are, then their attention span is not long anyway. I have a girl of 5 and a boy of 4 and I have the same complains.
My solution however is to not request too much at a time, reward them for positive behavior, give fair warning while telling the consequences and finally sticking to the consequences. Do not use lines like 'in 5 minutes we you should do this' because they do not have the concept of how long 5 minutes is. Instead, use competition but make sure that they all win. For example 'let me see who is going to be the first to put on their shoes or who will like to race mom to the bath room at shower time'. They bottom line is that their brains are still making connections so use lots of humour and patience. it will take a while but they would come around.

Dear S.,
I highly recommend Love and Logic. It is a parenting philosophy and it really helps them to feel the consequence of their decisions(not punishment by you) and helps take the icky feeling off of you. It is a wonderful program thatwas introduced to us through a therapist group in my core nucleus of friends and the elementary school. It is really not just for children. Please check it out. My family has been empowered by it and the kids have stronger personal boundaries as a direct result. YOu can find it online.

How is your follow through? I am a mother of 3 boys...oldest was 3-1/2 yr. when the third was born. So I know about having your hands full. You may need to get at eye-level and ask "did you hear what I said? Then please do as I asked." Then wait as they follow your instructions. Expecting them to do as you asked is half the battle. If you can't get them to respond by just calling their names then go to them, and follow through with your expectations. It may require you give consequences if they don't respond favorably, but better the battle now than later. Unteaching is much harder than teaching.

Hahaha I work in child care and I think that listening problems is actually the definition OF four year old boys!!! This is absolutely normal you just have to keep on them and it will pass unfortunatly that is usually about the time they get married!!! But if you stand your ground and let them know that you are in charge they will eventually ease up and start to do as you ask, but if you give up it will only get worse and they will feel like they are in charge at home and at school/ daycare and things will really get tough to deal with. Good luck and just keep trying and realize that they love you and are not trying to be bad but they are in a struggle to become independant indivduals which in this case may be harder than for a single child.

I certainly WISH it was just a twin thing, but unfortunately I think it is the curse of the four year old boy! It seems like my son is challenging me more and really trying to assert his independence more and more every day - and most days it DRIVES ME CRAZY! The one thing that I have noticed recently is that having conversations about the choices that makes - good or bad - help a lot. And I have him determine what is a good choice or a bad choice and then we talk about what the consequences are for the bad choices. I don't know if maybe it makes him feel "older" or more in control but it has recently begun working well. Good luck! I can't imagine having two of him right now!

My mother has taught 4 year olds for over 20 years and here's a trick that always works for her when a child won't listen. Put your hand very gently on the bottom of your child's chin. Don't grasp the chin or tighten your fingers; just gently place you hand under his chin and look the child in the eye and repeat whatever you just said that they clearly didn't hear. It shows that you mean business and whatever distraction that may have been in the area has now been blocked out. No need to be forceful with your words or tone. Some kids, when especially unruly, will jerk their head away so that can't look you in the eye. Just be persistent and it will pay off.

My son is 4 1/2 and we have the same problem...and he's an only, so I think it's more of a 4 yo boy issue than a twin issue! We did have his hearing checked, but it was normal, so we're working on the listening aspect of it...the paying attention to what's being said. We did the "listening ears" too, but I tired of that one quickly, because it became an excuse...it was always the batteries or volume, etc. We reinforced that it was his responsibility to listen, not the "ears" responsibility. I often have to stop and physically turn his face to mine and make him look at me...he hates this by the way, but at least I know I have most of his attention! I wish I could say I found a way to correct it, but I did want to let you know that they sound normal and you're not alone!

Talking to a 4 yr old is a whole new experience. Sure, they look like kids, they act like kids, but 4 yr olds are kids with a little bit of toddler left in them. This doesn't mean you should treat them like a 2 yr old, but it does mean that they are still learning some basic skills about how to make their brains work. Kids that age are often "in their own world" even if they are only five feet away from you. They may even be looking "at" you but what you say to them falls on deaf ears. I doubt your twins have hearing problems. Something tells me that if you mentioned buying the toy they'd begged for or a trip to Disney World they would hear you quite clearly. But if what you're saying doesn't include one of the few 'magic words' that automatically breaks through into their little brains, don't fret. Think of it like trying to talk to your husband while he's watching a great game on tv. Except your kids have an excuse -- they are still developing their ability to control concentration. And with twins, it is even harder when they are together because they have that 'twin thing' going on.

Here are some tricks I've learned:

1) First, use their name(s) to help focus them away from what they are doing and on to you.
2) If there is a potential distraction (music, tv, game) have them turn it off or push pause before going on.
3) Get to eye level with them, making sure they are able to see your lips. A child, especially at that age, listens better when he can use both his ears and eyes.
4) Speak a little slower than you would to an adult. (It may take them a little longer to process some of the words and if they don't clearly hear the whole sentence, their brain may sometimes discount the sentence all together.)
5) Use short sentences and make sure each sentence only has one command. (They may hear the first thing and then not remember the rest.)
6) When asking a question, make it closed-ended and offer only 2-3 choices as possibilities. In other words, instead of asking, "What movie do you want to watch?" ask, "Would you rather watch Happy Feet, Toy Story or Cars?" Sometimes, if given an open-ended question, what seems like the child is ignoring you is actually them trying to process it all.
7) Get them to repeat what you asked/told so their brains are forced to retain and really hear what you said. It will let you know how well they were really listening and it will keep them on notice for next time that they should be prepared to listen for retention, like a mini-pop quiz.
8) Use positive action statements when possible. If you find yourself telling them “do not”, instead tell them what action you do want them to do. Instead of saying, “Do not hit your brother.” you could say, “There is no hitting in this family. Use your words to tell your brother why you are angry at him.” That way, you remind him of the household rule and the appropriate behavior is demanded clearly. (It may sound crazy but one of the most common reasons for incorrect sentence comprehension, even with high school students, is caused by kids missing the term “not” in a sentence. Granted, what child would think their mom would tell them to hit their sibling but hopefully you get my point...)
9) All that being said, if you do the above-mentioned and they still don't listen, or do the opposite, or it is a situation where they just seem to be acting up, trust your Mom-sense and use the time-tested "warning and then naughty-spot" technique. (Make sure to get an apology and an explanation of understanding the reason for punishment.) It helps get the point across that when Mom speaks, they need to notice and listen up.

I know this is all easier said than done, but just remember that you are as much an educator as you are a parent. These listening skills aren't something we're born with. They are learned through consistent practice and correction. So, it may take a little time to see your efforts pay off but they will! Just be glad you’ve made it through potty training them at the same time!