Life of a SAHM

I used to feel the same way. People have no idea how tough it is to stay home. I ended up opening franchises on the internet to give me something that made me me again. I wasn't just mommy and wife. I think everyone needs something for them and why not make extra money?

All moms feel unappreciated. I work full time at a very stressful job (I definitely cannot come and go as I please and have a lot of demands) then I come home and cook a healthy from scratch meal, do laundry, clean, etc. And my husband rarely tells me he will take the kids to allow me to take a bath!

I am trying to put myself in your husband's shoes, and please don't hate me here, but when I hear SAHM's complain about their husband's not appreciating them or taking care of as much at home, I cannot help but put myself in the husband's position - I would, without a moment's hesitation, take being with my children all day, no matter how stressful or trying, over being griped at by a boss, having to worry about ALL financial stress because I am the only one who brings in any income, have clients/coworkers griping at me, have deadlines that CANNOT be tweaked, having to make sure I am not late so I don't get fired...the list goes on. At least at home, I am the boss (yes, they may not always listen but I still am the boss). No one can yell at me or fire me or make me feel horrible even when I work my fingers to the bone.

Please do not get me wrong.....I completely understand that a SAHM's job is hard, and I do get how hard it would be to give up a career....but does your husband feel appreciated for his daily grind? Have you told him you feel unappreciated? Your husband's job sounds easy based on your post, but is it really?

Regardless of appreciation, who does what, who earns more, etc, each party in a marriage DESERVES respect, time alone, and sanity. Demand it. Your husband sounds like he would be willing....just ask!

I think its a shame that so many women feel that to be a success they have to excel in the business world rather than on the home front.

There is no sucess that can compensate for a failure in the home. And no matter how you slice it, women that have care and nurturing built into their genes are so much better at the care and nurturing than men.

My wife went through this. I've heard women of my mom's and grandma's era say its because advertising and the media put the woman that can be the CEO and MOM are the utmost in success. In my grandmother's era, the most sought after women were the ones that could run a sucessful household, teach kids, and cook well.

My wife went through that. She had to be a success outside the home for her own self esteem. She wanted a job and buy a car on her own. When she proved she could be a success in the business world, then she became content and went back to being satisfied to being a SAHM until our kids were old enough to be on their own. I helper her on that path as much as I could. When she wanted to buy a car, I found a good one for her. I found the right financing and steered her to it. When she resented my help at first, I told her of the many men and women I had helped and did she think I would do any less for family. Then it was ok. So I helped.

When I lost may job she was working becaue almost all our kids had graduated. We work together well as a team, except when her pride or my pride got in the way. But we pulled together as a family . . . as it should be.

My wife felt unappreciated because I only gave her roses that I grew and wrote love poems to her and gave her an occasional card, UNTIL, I started delivering them to her office when I retired. I even brought roses for her co-workers (all ladies). The ladies read my love poems that I brought for my wife. When I made blackberry tarts, I'd bring enough for my wife and her co-workers. Then, one day, I wrote her a love poem where I told her I received joy from the roses I gave her twice, once when I was growing them, and once when I gave them to her. Her co-workers eeewwweed and aaahhhhed over those and told her how lucky she was. Then she began to appreciate what I did for her. Its not that I never appreciated her, it was only then that she didn't take for granted what I did for her. She told me she thought every husband gave their wives love poems and flowers and gifts.

Your husband may appreciate you more than you know. He just may not be able to show it in a way you understand. Men have to practice and learn what their wives count as appreciation before they can shift gears and show the wives what they want as appreciation.

Be nice, be kind, and keep him ever in a favored place in your mind.

Good luck to you and yours.

I get what you're saying but like Scarlett said, I think mothers in general feel unappreciated. I work full time and am the main breadwinner as I make at least 3x as much as my husband and have therefore taken all financial stress off of him yet I'm still the one who does 80% of the childcare outside of working hours and run back and forth from work to school like a stress case or to dr's appts for the kids etc. They're older now so it's not as hard but boy was I resentful when they were little. I had to get up at night and then go to work all day and act professional etc then get home at a certain time to take care of the kids while he left for work and came home on his own schedule. Not sure he ever really offered to take the kids for me either... I did start demanding some things though. ANd he's a pretty good guy too. Just wired differently. I've always thought with a SAHM, BOTH parents should get some time off at the end of the day. So maybe he comes home and gets to take a bath for 30 min and then you get to. To think maybe he should come home and offer for you to means you're forgetting he wasn't relaxing all day either... (I assume). I think wives who dump the kdis on the husband when he walks through the door are unfair as then the husband never gets a minute off either. Both people need some time. Maybe work isn't always super hard for your husband but it's not the same as him being home in his comfy chair watching tv either. HIs time belongs to his employer then. I know you're not sitting watching TV either but he needs his own time too. So maybe try to schedule it so you both get that a little every night or switch off nights etc. That's at least what's always struck me as fair. And end of day, again, not sure any mothers ever feel totally appreciated...

Kind of feel like it's the life of all moms - SAHM or working. Lots of working moms don't get satisfaction from their jobs or careers but have to continue with them to make ends meet and still do much more child care and housework than their husbands without much appreciation from said husbands. So I'd focus on the underlying issue maybe that you're just tired and overwhelmed. 3 young kids is a lot - I stopped at two partly bc I found that to be enough - so if your husband works full time and helps some, he likely is pretty worn out at times too. As well, in a few short years, both your lives have changed so much and it's all about being unselfish all the time now. Maybe hire a sitter so you get a break and/or a date night.

Don't kid yourself girl, women are the leaders of the free world (working outside the house or not), the fellas are our humble assistants.

He doesn't DO more because he sees you have it completely under control. And if you're not SAYING so.....

It's ok to kindly gently tell him you need a pat on the back. But you'll have to be VERY specific in what you're asking for. And you might have to remind him from time to time. LIke daily.

Meanwhile, Rulers Of The Free World generally do not get a lot of coddling, you know? Damn STRAIGHT it's hard being a SAHM.

:)

I hate to tell you this, but that is pretty much the life of all moms. I have a career, work 8-10 hours a day then come home and, without a break, move right into all the stuff SAHMs claim to have a monopoly on--carting kids to thier activites, cleaning house, cooking, helping with homework, volunteering and so forth. Similar complaints about my husband.

Unfortunately most men don't "get it" unless they experience it. You need to go away for a couple of days - maybe Friday (from when hubby gets home from work) until Sunday late afternoon. Do NOT leave him ANY "instructions" (after all you had to learn everything the hard way!) and do NOT keep your cell phone on. For it to work, you need to be completely unreachable and must NOT call to "check up".

If he doesn't appreciate you after only 2 days alone with the kids, then there's no hope! :P Seriously, 99.9% of men say that they REALLY had no idea how hard full-time parenting was until they had to try it without their wives!!

Good luck!

your not, my situation for home life is exactly like yours. I have three kids. 5, 3, and almost 2. He has a flexible job, in home office, but doesnt like to stay home because of the utter chaos inside our house. I knows in his head, he knows that I dont play around all day. I barely get time to go to the bathroom sometimes. Right now I am typing on a laptop in the tv room while my 3 are playing in a secured room. I am still "working" in my opinion. However he says things, like well your home all day... or I wish I could have it as nice as you.... or I work all day what do you do..... he is not so understanding if I dont have dinner done on time, or perfection. If the house is slightly in disarray he is miffed. If i dont have the time or the want to listen to his day, his complaints or his needs. I am being crabby or he doesn't get it. When he gets home. He kicks up his feet, gets his tea... takes an hour to read something. Putz's around for as long as he needs, and then he comes plays with the kids. He says he HAS to have his down time. I NEVER get down time. When at night kids finally are in bed. SOMETIMES I want to watch a show I like, or just sit quietly NO TALKING, nothing. SOMETIMES I want to take a walk. Once and a long while, he complies with out complaint. Usually he wants to know WHY I have to have ALL THIS ALONE TIME. He wants to know why I dont miss him. Why I dont drop everything to jump into his arms for sexual favors, play time, and cuddles. I do want all that but heck I want to unwind a little first. I feel completely taken for granted and un-appreciated.

I do respect his job, he does have a challenging, stressful job. IF he didnt do this job I wouldnt be at home with the kids, and I wouldn't have all the nice things I have. I do understand his need for alone time, and I give it. I comply and adapted to his needs. Do I LIKE it all the time? heck no, I feel if I give in the relationship it should be a two way street. NOT with my husband though unfortunately. He has gotten better with multiple talks. Though for me I dont think it will ever be "there", culturally he is having a hard time even thinking about doing a dish. He doesn't touch anything that would be considered a woman's job.

It sounds like he is doing quite a bit. Do you think your expectations of him are reasonable or are you just feeling overwhelmed in general? Honestly, it does not sounds like you are happy. I think you need to ask him to babysit more and get our on your own more often to feel more like "yourself".

I now have three and I know that my need to be helped by my husband has grown by leaps and bounds!!!!!!!!!! When we were first married and up through 2 kids I always got up everyday and cooked him breakfast and hung out with him before work. Now, so many days it's cereal or nothing or 'baby, can you please get your own breakfast and oh yeah, feed the kids too...' as I am getting myself together to go and nurse the baby. I always kept up so much better before three and I have had to give my husband a ton of grace to get used to this new level that is being required of him. There have been a few screaming matches, but in the end, we are still very in love. Hang in there!! I do feel you, hopefully you guys will work it all out as you grow more together!

No one can understand it until they experience it. You admitted you had a wake up call when you first experienced caring for two very little ones. Next time you are sick, STAY in bed and let him do EVERYTHING. Sound like his flexible job will let him work during nap time and after bed time for two days! You'll get better faster and be a better mom and wife for the rest, he'll get a little taste of your life (send him to the grocery store with both kids and ask him to do a load of laundry) Then dont sabotage it by complaining about HOW he did something just thank him for everything he did do.
Most SAHMs will not do this because they like the feeling that only they can run the house and hubby cannot handle it, makes them feel more important.

I would talk to him. Being a SAHM is your career right now and it's not an easy one. If he doesn't get all you do, then maybe he needs to take a few days to do it for you. Or you can write down all you do (I wrote down every potty visit, every phone call, every everything) and show him. THIS is your day. Tell him it's like being on call to a very demanding boss 24/7. What if he could not leave his work at work? What if his boss paged him at 3AM? And, honestly, he's still their dad. It is not unreasonable to ask him to be the adult in charge - watch the kids, give them a bath, etc. It sounds like you need a better distribution of the household chores.

My DH and I trade off bath nights. It's nice for DH to do something one on one with DD (they play with ducks) and it's nice for me to catch a break. When he gets up with her on a weekend, I tell him how WONDERFUL it is. If he doesn't pick up on your telepathy, then lay it out. "DH, I need a break. Please pick one night a week to always give the kids a bath. It would make a big difference to me." Or, "DH, I need to you to get up with the preschooler and take her to the potty in the middle of the night" or whatever would save your sanity. I'm usually the one sacrificing my sleep, too, and it's really not fair to be the only one when DD has two able parents.

I totally appreciate DH working so I can be home and work PT but sometimes Mommy needs a break, too! He gets sick leave and paid days off. I don't. If I don't work, the child climbs the walls and I don't get paid at my PT job. You don't stop being a father because your wife stays home during the day, and I think that's what the original poster is asking for - a step up in the daddy department.

Have you told him that it's hard to not have a career of your own right now? Would you feel better to go back to work? Friends of mine have an arrangement where he's the SAHD and she's the breadwinner. It suits them better.

Yes...yes...yes! My husband has the same type of job-his office has a nice comfy couch so he can nap during the day! He sometimes comes home for a few hours in the middle of the day-not to help me out, but to do his own thing. He is a great dad, helps with kids when needed, even does things around the house....but is constantly making me feel like I do nothing all day. I used to argue with him about it (esp on weekends when he tells me he needs to sleep in because he worked all week...um...not with his job! More like 3-4 hours/day!). Now...I do not look for appreciation from him and I ignore any guilt trips when he has kids etc. I just don't say anything and avoid him until my anger subsides. You do it all for your kids and some day they will look back and say "thanks mom, I appreciate you!"...hold on to that beautiful vision of the future (my own mum says it is a satisfying moment!). In the meantime-it's nice to see so many people going through the same thing-a good place to vent!!!

You are not alone. It is exactly the same way over here. I could have written this, I swear. DS is 5 years old and in Kindergarten, and the new LO is 3 weeks old.
It's not that he's mean or even says it to me, really, but I know what that look means!! He comes in the door and the laundry is still on the couch waiting to be folded and there are dirty dishes in the sink and he sighs.. SIGHS!!
He helps, wakes up at night to comfort the baby when she wakes me so I can use the restroom, get water, etc. but I am the one who has to stay up for 45 minutes changing and feeding her! I'm just so tired.
I feel terrible for not being able to keep up the house all the time, but let's face it, being a SAHM is hard! Men just will not understand unless they have to do the SAHD thing.
It's just that simple, IMO.