Letting a Child Do Homework by Himself?

I am a fourth grade teacher and have fielded this question so many times from parents of my students. One suggestion I have is that you gradually release responsibility to your son.

Tell him how proud you are of his achievements in school and how much school matters to your family. Then tell him that you feel he is doing so well that you don't need to be "on his case" as much about his work. Make it seem like an honor and a privilege.

Start with a subject he likes and does well in. Tell him that you will only "butt in" on that subject if he asks your for help. Let his teacher know what you are planning! That way, she can give you a heads up right away if he is starting to slip into bad habits.

If your son enjoys the new found independence, add another subject. See how that goes for awhile. Again, shoot his teacher a quick e-mail telling her that you are now adding English or whatever subject to the independent list.

If you believe in extrinsic rewards, he could earn a small reward or privilege to go with his new level of responsibility. Take it slow and expect a few bumps in the road! He'll get there with your help and patience!

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I used to be a teacher. I have similar control issues with my 5th and 4th grade boys. I expect a lot from them. How does your son feel about you helping him with homework? If he wants you to stop, you can bargain with him. Tell him if he keeps his grades up, you will let him continue on his own. I think now is the time to try it while he is still young. Give him the responsibility. Tell his teacher what you are doing and keep in touch with her to find out if he is getting things done. He should have consequences at school, like missing recess, if he doesn't have his homework done. If he doesn't mind the consequences at school, find something at home that he really likes and take that away if he doesn't follow through. Be sure to tell him exactly what is expected of him. RESPONSIBILITY needs to be on him not you. I hope this helps.

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My kids are still little so homework isn't an issue, but I can tell you what my parents did. I was the overachiever type while my brother was the procrastinater type. He always needed supervision for homework. When he started 6th grade, my mom told him he had to start doing his homework on his own. She started by just having a "homework check" time after dinner when we'd show her our work. After a while (I don't remember how long) she started telling him that he didn't have to have his homework checked unless he wanted to. Eventually he started doing it on his own. He would still ask for help sometimes. He also would sometimes ask me to do homework with him (just working side by side) because he didn't like to work alone. I can tell you that he was really proud of himself for doing it on his own and started bringing home graded work to show off to the family which he had never done before.

You might try sitting with him and doing something on your own (reading a book or whatever) at first and distance yourself a little at a time.

Hope that helps!

Fifth grade is the ideal time to gnaw at those purse strings re: homework. Let him do it on his own and let him know you'll check his work when he's done if you like. Then if there are errors say something like, "you may want to check the answer or grammar in number 14." for example. It gives him the opportunity to figure it out again on his own, and you've at least nudged him in the right direction.

Of course you'll still need to help with that huge science project from time to time, but the sooner he/she gets on their own, the better they will do in high school.

He needs to work on it himself-he can't be successful if he needs you there pushing him. Doing it on his own gives him a sense of independence and accomplishment---and if he doesn't do it--he learns the consequences. He's in 5th grade...how badly is his academic career going to be damaged by a B?

There's also this-I once asked one of the teachers if I should check the work and help make corrections. She said No! If I do that- she will not know where my child might need extra help.

Most certainly, it is good to let them develop study habits of their own. I homeschool and as there is not much homework, there is work that she does. My suggestion is to set a homework time, get the area ready, put him there to do it with the guideline that you will be checking over it when complete. If he has some slippage in grade, that may be a good lesson. They do, at some point, need to learn to study and do on their own. That is not to say that you can't help him study for a quiz or test, but give him the opportunity to study first on his own. Sounds like he is a pretty bright kid and the more you push and do it with him, the more dependent he becomes on you and really, where are the grades coming from, you or him? You can still keep an eye on things, but just set the rules or guidelines, okay, homework time.set the goal that he needs to do it and once done is free for the evening. Sometimes we do things because we don't want it hanging over our heads, but they have to learn the responsibility of getting it done themselves. So far, setting limits of when work will be done and such has worked for us, taking away all the distractions. I would not schedule it for as soon as he gets home, give him a little break from a long day. God bless! You are a great mom and it is great you take the interest you do!

Hi M.,

You have to let him do this himself, but know he may not and his grades might slip while he learns how to put himself in charge of it. But consider this, if you do for him, he will always need someone to push him to succeed. Children don't learn something from another making them, they eventually have to find the motivation internally and part of them doing that is to leave them to their own devices, and unfortunately, sometimes watch them make poor decisions in the process.

While grades are important the actual grade itself serves only one purpose, it opens doors to better colleges. But the process they go through to get those grades is what counts. My oldest son graduated in the top 20 of an academically competitive prep high school after taking all honors and AP classes - he's two semesters away from being a chemical engineer, still in the top of his class. The second was in the top 10 of his public high school class and is pre-med at a highly selective private college that only accepts 540 kids a year out of 11,000 applications. He also remains in the top of his class. But my third is still trying to get it. Very intelligent, definitely able to do more, but he has issues with motivation. He failed his freshman high school year only because he didn't do homework. He's currently in an alternative district program helping him make up the lost credits so he can graduate with the rest of his class on time. My last is like his two oldest brothers, highly motivated and succeeding in the 4th grade. Why three got it and one didn't, I have no idea. But I know I won't do for the third. I did for a long time, all the way through 8th grade while I'd never had to do for his two older brothers. What I finally realized is I would be doing for this child the rest of his life because he hadn't found that place inside of him to do it. I should have let him fail earlier, but it broke my heart to think of him not succeeding. Sometimes we have to let them though.

When baby birds first fly out of the nest the mother flies below them to catch them if they fall. She doesn't flap their wings for them, or fight with them to fly. She lets them do it themselves and watches, always ready to rescue them if they need it. I think we human mothers can learn a lot about teaching our children independence by watching mother birds.

Don't do for your son M., or be the one who is more concerned about him succeeding than he is. Let him get it himself, and you'll find a remarkable man calling himself your son someday. For me, my greatest reward has been meeting those men, and knowing they became who they were on their own because that means no matter what the situation, they have it inside of them to succeed because they've found their success themselves. Though my third is struggling, I have faith he'll find his way too, it's just taking him longer to get there. But he will, and as hard as it is to watch him struggle and just fly below him, I know I have to so he can succeed beyond school, and in life.

Good luck to you!

When my daughter was in 5th grade, her teacher told the kids that it was time to start working on homework without Mom and Dad. She explained to them that they needed to begin preparing for middle school and to begin being homework independent. I hated it, at first, because homework was a time during the day where we sat down together and talked. I usually had a book while she did her homework, but I was there. Now, comes grade 5 and she wants me out of the room, unless she had a question... awwww. But is was the best thing for her. She is now a college student at Michigan State and her grades are rockin'... plus, no one ever has to encourage her to do homework... she just does it!

Some kids are born with self-motivation and will be "high achievers" and some are not...even though they might be very, very intelligent. I suppose this is a better time that later to find out how your son will do. Even if his grades fall/tank, at least it will not impact his high school transcript or records. A couple of bad grades in 5th grade probably don't make much of a difference. I would let him loose (with a clear understanding of his responsibilities and what you expect of him!) and see what happens. After you see how he does, you can work on helping him to self-motivate or whatever his needs are, before he gets into Junior High. My kids are still toddlers, so this is not from personal experience. But I think this is how I would handle it.

My advice is a little different than the responses you have received so far. If it's not broke why fix it. This is an opportunity to stay close with your child. Make sure you know what is going on in his life, where his struggles are and to keep him on an academic path that will serve him well through the high school years. I am looking at it as if you allow him to slip now, he may start to resent his schoolwork. I know you may want him to gain self interest in it, do it on his own and be a little more independent, but I feel that most parents don't spend this time with their kids. Their children don't get that impact of how important a solid education is and that they have the full support of their parents in their challenges. On the other hand if he is dragging the life out of you, "spending" your time and procrastinating while the help is happening, it may be time to change things up.

Hi M.,

My daughter is in 5th grade and I've been helping her since Pre-K. She has not been an A student but because my oldest daughter easily gets A's, my youngest always felt like she was not as good. She would get frustrated, stubborn, stop doing her homework so of course....mom steps in. The first quarter of this year I continued helping her, going over every answer, reviewing her schedules and reminding her constantly. Since I've already "gone through 5th grade" I decided that I didn't need to do it again....yeah mom! I told her that she will be working independently and I will not be checking her answers. We talk about her homework but I don't check it. Her last progress report she received all B's and + and one C. She had more A's last year but now I'm wondering if that was because I double checked all her answers! If she gets stuck, I ask her to re-read the lesson and tell me all about it (whatever the subject) and she gets to the answer on her own. Every night I ask if she get everything done. Every morning I ask her whats happening at school and does she have everything she needs. I have to stop myself from controlling everything and guess what? I feel better, she feels better and now when she shows me her papers on Friday, she seems more proud of her accomplishments!

M.,
Wow! You've got a lot of good advice here! I just wanted to add a couple of things. Each child is different. My son (22 now, and in the U.S. Airforce) was a HUGE procrastinator, and needed the push in middle school. My 12 year old daughter, very gifted, needed us to step out in third grade. She did MUCH better with home work and responsibility when we allowed her to take the reins. My youngest (10 and also gifted) Has just this year (4th grade) begun to be more responsible with her homework. She needed help with orgainization, so I got her an accordion type folder with a pocket for each subject. She does her homework right after school at the dining room table, (no TV, no distractions,except for a snack) but without help unless she asks for it.
My thoughts are this, If a child needs constant help doing his or her homework, they need to be getting extra help from the teacher. Homework is usually to reinforce the lessons already taught. Sometimes the child doesn't think that they are capable on their own, so they "need" help, when what they really need is the self confidence that they CAN do it alone. There is only one way to find out which it is with your child.

Try designating a "homework time" and checking it when he's through for a couple of weeks, then see how it goes.

I am also a paraeducator at a middle school here in town, and see a LOT of kids begin to "slack off" of homework at the middle school age. Getting those good habits in place (alone) NOW could help him in his next level of school. Just a thought.

Hi M.!

Bravo to your decision! Tell him that he is at an age that he can and needs to start taking responsibility for his school homework. That you will be there if he needs help, but otherwise should be done himself. Also give him a time frame that is for homework and will be a specific time everyday so it becomes his routine. This will not allow for any procrastination. Check in on him from time to time to be sure that he is working. In the beginning more often and later make it less and less. See if that works for him. Good luck!

Hello, I have a fourth grade son, who is in the gifted ed program at his school. I have always let him do his homework on his own. I have always told him it's his choice wheather or not he completes it and completes it well. I do check it over when he's done, and make suggestions. The other night, his handwriting was so atrocious ( as it sometimes is with him ) I requested that he do it over. I explained to him that it was disrespectful to his teacher and to himself to put out a product like that. He didn't like it, but he did re-do it. I also wrote a note to his teacher, letting her know that we had requested him to re-do this assignment. I truly believe that our children need to want to do well for themselves, and not others. If they do not put their all into their homework, or any thing else, they are the ones to pay the consequeses. For my son, it would be me pulling him out of the gifted program. Or things such as not being able to miss a day of school so he and i could go to the museum or things like that. These children need to take pride in themselves and what they do, and have to want to acheive for themselves. Anything else would be dishonest to themselves, and they would be cheated in ever knowing what they could truly accomplish. I hope this helps. Good Luck!

I also have to fight with my kids, especially one of the girls. But, there is a point that they must do it themselves or they won't figure out how to do it themselves. My kids may ask for help and I do check the homework after it is done but they are responsible for getting it done, studying for tests etc. They are in 4th grade and on the honor roll at school. They also bring stuff home and I look things over to see if there are changes in grades or something not understood.

Focus on regulating the process -- set up regular time and place for homework. If you school has on-line reports on homework completion, quiz/test scores, you can then monitor his progress in that way, and intervene if he is slipping. Also, you could focus on just reviewing his work every other day, and let him gradually work more independently. Remember, an occasional C on a project is also a learning opportunity.

I think you are right to start thinking about wisdom of continuing this situation. I have one child a high school, middle, and kindergarten. I have always felt it was my job to make sure they attend to their schoolwork seriously. To me that is their "job". I have found myself at times doing too much and feeling very burdened. When those feelings started I have always pulled back. It has been hard but my kids responded by doing more themselves b/c they had to.

Your situation strikes me as too much intervention on your part. My opinion is that you need to pull back. I can't promise you that it will be smooth sailing....but your essential role remains the same: making sure he attends to his school responsibilities. That is different than sitting down w/him and doing it with him. Save that for areas in which he really struggles. Over his school life, he has to be learning the self discipline to complete his homework. Also, until he really applies himself and faces and meets a tough challenge at school he won't know that he is truly capable. You want him to feel those triumphs!

So pull back to once a week review and keep an eye on his grades to see trouble is brewing. God luck.

As a teacher of middle schoolers, in my past life, I used to advise my parents to set up a homework time. Maybe not right after school so they have a sanck and some down time, but after that, everyday at that time, that is possible...this time is homework time at this location. Maybe at the kitchen table where you can watch him but not hover. And then do a quality control check when he says he is done. It is important to teach him indepenence so when he gets older he can do it himself. I know my parents cut the cord at high school, unless I said I needed help. They said it was my job, my only job in life...get an education. And their were consequences for not doing my best.

Good Luck..this will be a struggle for the next couple of years!

Are you going to be there when he's in college to hold his hand? Now is the time to let go, let him build the skills he needs to succeed by him self. If he falters a little in 5th grade, that's not a big deal. He'll get it together by freshman year in high school when it counts for college admission. Just watch over his shoulder regularly.

While I don't monitor our son's work everyday, I do ask regularly if he has homework and if it's done. THen we make our middle schooler show us a report (a computerized school generated report called ed-line) that shows all his work was turned in before he can do anything over the weekend.

My 4th grader's teacher suggests doing this. I have somewhat let him go, but not comletley. I now Ask if he has homework, I do not look in the backpack. I nag at him and his younger brother to do it. I also stay busy doing other things so I am not overhelping while they are doing homework. The teacher was right. Let him be responsible for it. After having to stay in for recess once for not turning in his homework... it has all been turned in on time. His grades... A little better than last year, his brothers too. Both are A and B students instead of B and C. I realized that I was helping too much and they were not performing on tests like they should and that I was causing them some anxiety by being so "homework Nazi" with them. Let her go a little at a time, it does teach her to think for herself!

M.,

congratulations! It is past time for you to take the plunge!
I am a mother of an 11 year old and 2 year old girl. The key
factor for me during this letting go stage, has been clearly
defining the importance of independence and resposibility
to my 11 year old. As an only child for several years coupled
with preadolescence this change can seem quite daunting an
unfair to your child. If your child is developing resentment
toward the baby and the time you are devoting to the two year old, then make an extra effort to compliment him on all of
the wonderful little things he may do with and for his
brother. I also have girls night with my daughter on friday
nights. After my two year old is soundly sleeping. We
have a night of all the fun things we did before baby came.
(scrabble, brainage, popcorn, movies etc.. It her time
after a long deligent succesful week in school and chores.

I apologize for the diversion. Now , back to the original question. Last year was my first year of letting go. it is a process. I met with her teachers in the beginning of
the school year to let them know that I was giving my
child the space that she needs in order to meet academic challenges

M.

I am mom to a 7th grade boy. Up until this year I was constantly on top of him for homework. 6th grade was a huge transition for him and we went through a tough time. At the beginning of this year I told him I was taking a huge step back. I ask him everyday when he gets home if he has homework and if he remembered to bring home everything he needed. I urge him to get started - there is no TV, computer, video games, etc. until homework is completed. He knows he can ask for help if he needs it. He lets me know when it is complete I only check it if he had trouble. We just got the grades for the first trimester and he made the honor roll. I have recognized that he has some issues with study habits more than homework habits - so we are addressing that, but otherwise giving him the opportunity to see what he could do worked for us! Good luck!

As a fifth grade teacher (and former middle school and high school teacher), I encourage you to let your child try to do the work himself. At some point he is going to need to learn how to do things without help. If it doesn't work, then you can step it up a notch and help, again.

I'm with you, M.! Here's what I do: I began giving my child some more room this year myself. I set very little windows of time so that he's not overwhelmed with a pile of homework all by himself - instead, I'll ask him to take out one project or assignment, ask if he wants to read it with me or alone, see if he has any questions and then I'll be doing something independently nearby so that I can notice if he's daydreaming, getting aggrevated, or busily writing. I also tell him that homework time is for taking your time to figure things out - it doesn't have to be "right" the first time, but rather a time to learn the way to get to the end result so that during class time he has a better idea of what to do. Good luck!

It is definitely time to let go. My my 8th grader has always had it easy with homework, but my fifth grader has had issues. I never sat with her, but she sits at the kitchen table while I cook dinner and when she has questions she is able to ask, but is essentially doing homework by herself. This also allows me to help her stay focused. If she was in her room she would easily get distracted and take a very long time to get her homework done. Also his grades may slip a little while he learns that it is his responsibility, but it won't be too much. Once he learns to take it on on his own it will all work out. He NEEDS to learn how to do this himself. You are not giving him any advantage to continue to sit with him and do his homework with him. By 7th grade he will have to be completely on his own. This prepares them for high school and eventually college. You don't want him to learn how to take on the responibility when the work is harder and more discouraging because not only is the homework hard but he is also learning how to not rely on you at the same time. I also restrict my fifth grader almost everything during the week. Otherwise, she zips through her homework, writing down wrong answers just to say she's done so she can watch her 1/2 hour of t.v. or go play outside. We definitely do not allow any play dates during the week for the same reason. If she doesn't count on the activities then she does so much better. She gets it done and takes the time to do it right and keeps at it and doesn't think about the t.v. or whatever.

I am answering this as a long time 6th grade teacher and middle school administrator as opposed to a parent. My daughter is only 2, so I am not sure if I will take my own advice when I reach this stage. Most of the 6th graders who I have encountered who fail do so because they can't handle the transition and they have to quickly learning the independence needed to do well in an environment with multiple teachers and expectatons. Since your child is in 5th grade, this is the best time to start building that independence. At homework time, review his planner and materials before he begins to make sure he understands the directions of his work. Give him a set time to do the work, and set a time that you will look over his assignments with him at the end of his homework time. Don't make changes or give him the right answers if it is wrong. You may ask some guiding questions to get him to learn how to self-assess his work. (Did you follow all the directions? I think there are a few that are incomplete, can you find them?) You are a guide to him learning how to do it himself, but it is very important that his homework is only a reflection of what he actually knows--- not what his parents helped him improve. Many parents I work with make the mistake of giving up all help with the "he is old enough, so I stopped helping". It has to be gradual with support from you that focuses on the skills needed for him to do it well on his own. If he chooses to do nothing during the HW time you give him, let him fall behind and fail. It sounds like his grades are important to him, so he will learn quickly that he is ultimately responsible for all his successes and failures. Good luck!

Teachers will all tell you to let him do it by himself because they have to learn to win or fail on their own. You can't catch them all the time. Make sure you tell him you're going to check it to make sure it's done right because he is still learning while doing the homework. Please don't make him do his homework as soon as he gets home from school. He's already had 8 hours of work. Our teachers say to give the kids an hour playtime and snack. Happy holidays

I would definitely let go a bit now, because a few bad grades in fifth are not a big deal, compared with bad grades in high school when it really counts. (Colleges don't look at grade school transcripts so to be honest, bad grades in grammar school aren't such a big deal.) Plus if he's bright and intelligent as you say, then probably his grades won't slip much if at all. He really needs to learn to be independent. You won't be there in high school and college to nag him and supervise him. He needs to figure out on his own that doing homework is important. If he slips a bit he will realize that he has no one to blame but himself and that will probably be a great motivator. It might be hard for you to take -- the bad grades -- but I'll bet he'll quickly learn the importance of doing things on his own. Middle school is a time when kids really need to do things for themselves, and that's right around the corner.

Not that it will prevent all problems, but I have always let my 3 kids do their own homework. If they need my assistance (as long at it's not Math!) I help. Both boys got thru high school and college w/Assoc. Degrees. My daughter is a senior in h.s. and is doing fine. I have always told them, I go to work, that's my responsibility. You go to school, that's your responsibility. I have a boss, you have teachers, they are your "boss". They all got A's and B's, and in fact my daughter was on honor roll 7 semesters straight.
Try it, if they need your help, be there, but let them learn what hard work is going to be once they get out of school.

Good luck

Hi M., I have 2 boys ages 9 (4th grade) and age 6 (1st grade). Now my 4th grader does his homework by himself and has for about 2 years. We have "quite" time in our house when it is homework time. After my son is done we check over his homework and make sure it is right. He has been a straight A and B student ever since he has been in school. Now our 1st grader his homework is considered "parent-child" homework. So it is to be done with a parent. But he will just whip out his homework and just go at it by himself because he wants to be like his big-brother. So we will check his also when he is done and he also gets good grades this year. You have to let him try it on his own and when he is done just check it and if there is something wrong with his homework, make him sit down and fix it. Its time to let him do it on his own Mommy.

Me personally, I don't believe that supervising your child and making sure they do their assignments is enabling them at all. He's only in fifth grade. When he starts junior high I would start to lesson up, but now is not the time. If kids could be responsible for everything, they wouldn't need parents. Homework and school is not an area I would experiment with. It is too important for children to do well.

Try building his personal responsibility in making his bed each day or remembering to feed the dog for an allowance. If he doesn't keep up his responsibilities then deduct a certain amount from his allowance. Not only are you not experimenting with his education, but he will always know just how important it is because you ARE invovled heavily. (and on a side note he will learn that if he doesn't do his work around the house then he won't get paid...just like the real world...you can also incorporate some lessons on saving money, tithing at church, setting financial goals, writing checks, how to invest and so forth......most in society are lacking those skills these days.)

Most students that perform well have parents that are heavily invovled. Don't stop in order to build his independance. There are more, less important, aspects of his life in which you can teach personal responsibility.

And again, this is my personal opinion based on years of working at a middle school and high school. I think parents that decide to do what you have suggested are just being lazy or they are trying to relieve stress in a way that is detrimental to their child's future.

Continue to supervise his education. Remind him about his homework, when projects are coming due, the importance of starting early, and look over the quality of his work. If you are always involved and aware of what he's doing, then he can't become a slacker and neither can his teachers.

Eventually you gotta cut the cord. He will have to learn how to do homework himself. You have taught him good study skills and what happens when he works hard at it. I would encourage you to let him "try" to do it himself and see what happens. IF he can't do it, then go back to your old ways until he is ready to try again. Doing it now before the grades really matter is important. High Schools aren't going to look at 5th grade scores. You might find that he puts up less fuss and you get some much needed free time back.

Hope this helps.
N.