Letting a Baby Cry

Well...I have read a lot of your responses. Some I agree with others not, and still pieces of some. Here is the real deal. I am a child development expert, but even we have opinions that can't be proven right or wrong. Here is what I know (science proven: 4 months is the absolute earliest that you should let a baby cry it out. That is when sleep starts to resemble the pattern of adults. At the same time, many babies still need food in the middle of the night. For those of you who said that you tried it earlier than 4 months and it worked...yes it will work for many children. They have brain responses just like we do. What you have done at the early age is teach them you will not arrive at that time, not that they need to sleep. Now I do not believe that it will mess them up for life. Just something you should know.

I rocked my child to sleep until she was about 23 months old. She never woke up in the middle of the night looking for me to put her back to sleep...she always went back herself. The rocking her to sleep was my time to bond with her. My choice...and I guarantee you she has not been damaged by it.

Around 23 months old I started to need that extra 30 minutes at night because she was going to bed a little later. We did the cry it out approach. First night she cried hard for about 15 minutes...She was fed, changed and TIRED. She was mad not sad...there is a difference. The next 5 minutes she whimpered and finally silence. The next night she cried for 2 minutes...then silence. The third night...nothing. It has been a couple months now and we do our routine...book, song, except now she asks for bed.

Ultimately you the parent and your child are individuals. You need to do what works for you. Remember though that very young children (9 months and earlier) do not have the concepts that we do regarding what happens when someone leaves the room. They truly believe it is gone forever. Just something to think about... if you want to read more about it the concept is called object permenance.

Good Luck.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi, A.. I know sleep is a big issue for us hard-working moms. I also know that my kids are only this young once. I personally don't believe that babies should be alone at night, and that when they cry it is because a need is not being met. Many people and doctors and books will tell you that letting a baby cry at night will "work" because eventually they will start sleeping through the night. In my opinion, and I know quite a few other moms who feel the same, when you let a baby cry, the reason they eventually stop crying is because they finally learn that nobody is going to come to comfort them and give them what they need. I believe that is why there is so much depression and isolation and non-belief in self in this world.

Babies don't know how to manipulate people--they learn that from having to survive in our society that seems to think they don't matter much. We treat babies like we need to make them fit our schedules instead of making sure they have all the love and support they need so they can grow into self-assured adults, knowing they always have a loving base to come back to if they need it. The most independent kids I've met are those whose parents gave them what they needed when they were little and kept them close and made sure they were happy and healthy, because they know they have that loving base, and feel more secure venturing out into the world.

I would never let my kiddoes cry it out at night--that means they need me, and they don't NEED to manipulate by crying, since they know they don't have to.

Peace,
K.

2 moms found this helpful

Happiest Baby on the Block- Harvey Karp
"Ferberizing" is no longer an acceptable method, and for the record, it also depends on the child. Mine is almost 3 and goes to sleep fine with his routine and has NEVER been allowed to "cry it out". He is happy, secure and kind to other children because we met his basic needs. Under 2 years of age you can count on crying signaling NEEDS. They start having WANTS only after about 2. The difference is that some people are raising their children as they were raised, vs parents who are informing themselves and learning new methods. Just because letting them scream finally makes them realize you aren't coming and they are so exhausted they fall asleep doesn't mean it's a good thing for them.
JMHO-
C.
Mother of 2

2 moms found this helpful

What I learned and it worked for me was that babies don’t know how to manipulate at a young age, we can teach them how as they get older if we're not careful, but there is reason a baby cries and its not for selfish reasons, that makes sense to me, Now I picked up my son every time he cried when he was a new born and up until about a year, well not to that extreme, I didn’t come running, but if he was crying, yes-I sought to find out why, AND he slept with me the first year of his life. So this is a huge No-No in many moms’ books. But you know what, I had no problem with it, after a year, I put him in his crib, had night lights, and closed the door part way, he cried and I went in immediately, didn’t pick him up, just rubbed his back and reassured him I was here, I left the room and let him cry for 1 minute, went back and repeated the scene, went out and waited 2 minutes, then 3, then 4. I swear he was a sleep by time I hit 4 or 5 min intervals, that lasted about maybe a week, I don’t even think that long, he trusted that if he needed me, his cry out would get me, so he felt save going to sleep alone.

Now my neighbors on the other obviously believed in the crying out method, I lived in condo's and there baby room was next to my son's room and with every one of her babies, we heard the crying it out method she used, and I'll tell ya, those kids had to cry them selves to sleep every night and it would last 6+ months. No kidding. I didn’t know how to approach her and tell her that her babies screaming at bed time, screaming in the middle of the night when they woke up was not just waking my son up, but waking me up too. (needles to say, I had my son come sleep with me again when ever she had a new baby so we could both get some sort of sleep) But she felt like such a good STRONG mom for holding true to this method, but I just don’t feel its right (personal decision) or necessary, there is an easier way, I learned that leaving a child to scream, they can gain abandonment issues. They cry because they don’t feel safe. They don’t trust.

Maybe there are other new "modern" ways to put your child to sleep now days, my son is almost 13 years old. He goes to bed really good for me now and never sleeps with mom so there is no baggage from how I handled this situation when he was little.

I also learned that in some countries, they do the cry-it-out method from day 1. That Its acceptable to put a new born in a crib with all lights out, let them cry it out, and they soon get the message that when its Dark, Its sleep time. (I certainly don’t agree to that)

But there is my own thought on the subject.
Good question.

2 moms found this helpful

It is actually our selfish society that teaches us to not respond to our babies needs. They cry for a reason- not to manipulate us. A mom can't stand to hear her baby cry because there is a biological need to care for the child! When parents let the baby "cry it out" what they do is damage the child psychologically. The baby learns that she can't trust her parents to care for her needs. The parents at a point actually don't even hear there child cry during the night. It isn't that the baby is sleeping through the night, the parents just don't hear them. Many studies have been done proving a disconnect that can show up later in - perhaps the teenage years. Of course it is your own decision. If your sleep is more important than your 4 month old that needs nothing more than your love no matter what time of day or night it is, that is your choice. Check out some information from Dr. Sears. This will explain this further.

2 moms found this helpful

I did this with my son at 6 months old ... he would still wake up in the middle of the night for a bottle and then go back to sleep . I talked to his doctor about it and she said that at 6 months he should be off the bottle in the middle of the night. So I did the , let him cry for 5 minutes then go in and check on him and said sshhh go to sleep maybe patted his butt then i left and waited 10 minutes and went in but said or did nothin then 15 minutes ect ect. it worked very well . it took about 3 or 4 nights before he got it and he was sleeping on his own. To me I am glad I did it that way even tho it was a little heartbreaking but i just put him in his bed and he goes to sleep .. we do have hard nights every once in awhile but thats to be expected..So I started at 6 months . hope this is helpful. every mother does things different so dont feel bad if others dont agree with you . you do what you feel.

1 mom found this helpful

Our family doctor told me that between 4 and 5 months a baby learns how to "manipulate" by crying. I started letting my little guy cry it out when he was 5-6 months old. The first night was 45 minutes of crying, the next night 30 minutes, the next night 15, and so on until there was none. I have a mobile that plays music and shines pictures on the ceiling. After that, and to this day, he doesn't fuss at bed time. However, when he is sick or not feeling right, he will cry. Obviously I go tend to him then. He's been with me in bed the last two nights, but I know when he shakes this cold, he'll go right back to sleeping in his own bed.

1 mom found this helpful

My mom puts it this way, it's the only exercise they get. I have a sister-in-law that did and one that didn't. Now that the kids are older, I say let them cry. The sister-in-law that never let her kids cry, has major issues with them now that they are older. She has a 5, 2 1/2, and 5mo. they have no self discipline. They still don't go to bed well. The other sister let hers cry, as hard as it was and now they are well adjusted and very smart, etc. I also let my kids cry and they are doing well. I see no evidence it helps. Only evidence it does not help the kids in their development.

1 mom found this helpful

I am a first time mother also. I asked my obgyn when I should stop feeding my son every 4 hour during the night and he said -at six weeks his three boys were sleeping through the night (10pm-6am). So at 9 weeks we decided to try his advice. When he woke up we left him alone for 5-10 min if he didnt fall back a sleep we went in and rubbed his back. DO NOT PICK HIM UP. When he calms down leave the room and wait 5-10 min again. Keep dong this until he learns to sooth himself it took us 4 days of getting up and rubbing his back( this lets him know you are there). Now he is 7M and sleeps 7pm-7am everynight and takes 2 naps during the day and all I have to do is lay him down awake and within 5 min he falls a sleep on his own. It is had at first to listen to them cry but it is all worth it in the long run!!!

1 mom found this helpful

When my daughter was a baby, I read a study done by Harvard about letting babies cry it out. It said that babies who are left to cry do not handle stress later in life. I decided not to let her cry it out because it did not seem like the right thing for me to do. You can not base your decision on one person who has a child who doesn't sleep well. That probably has nothing to do with whether or not that Mother used the cry it out method. I just went with instinct. Babies do not have the ability to realize that when you leave, you will come back. Crying is one of the only ways babies have to communicate the fact that they need you. There are just as many "experts" opposed to crying it out as there are in favor of it. It is a judgement call. Me, I could never do that to a baby.

1 mom found this helpful

I could never let my son cry it out. I find it very hard to understand how any parent could. I think that when a baby cries, s/he is crying for a reason. They do not just cry to cry. Either they need you for something or just plain want you. I think about how a baby must feel when they are crying and Mama and Papa don't come to them. The baby is supposed to be able to trust us the most out of anyone and this is telling them that they cannot trust us. I guess as far as a child not sleeping in their own room, I do not see anything wrong with this. I sleep with my son and couldn't imagine him sleeping by himself much less in a completely different room. Many parents in many other countries sleep with their children. I personally feel that when I chose to have children, I decided to be selfless and put my child first. My child is not an inconvenience to me. We chose to have our household child centered and not parent centered. They are babies not ten year old children. I personally feel they need to be nurtured always and there will be a time when they do not to be cuddled and comforted, but when that time comes I think they will let us know. I think I'll then be the one crying myself to sleep. ; )

1 mom found this helpful

Such a hot topic on this site, right up there w/ immunizations. And before I give my opinion, let me say it is really up to you and what you feel is right for your child!

Know my opinion...I don't feel any child under 2 should for any reason "cry it out" fuss a few minutes is okay. I can tell you from my expierience, and I have 7 ranging in age from 16-17 months, that coming to my childs needs at night has not in any way hindered them, or made them needy children. Obviously my older 4 older children are master know, but even they know at night that if something is wrong (and they can wake me :) ) that I am available. My 6 year old goes to sleep on his own, my 3 year old goes to sleep on her own, goes to the bathroom on her own, gets a drink on her own and doesn't usually wake me, sometimes she does but not normally, my 17 month still gets up twice a night, but he puts himself to sleep at night, he goes to sleep at 7:00. And all of it was never with a tear, It is my job to be thier for them no matter the time of day, no matter how sick I might be, no matter how tired I am, I am the parent if I don't come when they are tired, scared, hungry, or just looking for a little snuggle, then who will. What am I saying to my infant/toddler if I am not there for them when they need me? All of mine were cabable of putting them selves to sleep by 18 months all I do is lay them on the couch with me sitting right by them and if thier tired they will fall asleep on thier own, once they do it for a few days I just lay them down and do stuff and if they get up I tell them to lay down and lay them back down, a couple days later they don't even realise that I am not around, and just do what they know to do and then in thier beds they go, No tears, no fights, nothing. I can't say thier is a wrong way or a right way, I can say that I could never fathom not answering my childs call!

1 mom found this helpful

HI A., It's hard to sort out parenting advice these days. But I came across this quote just this morning as I was preparing for my class with babies and their moms: "Security: Babies who have warm, responsive care are more resilient later in life. By following your heart to cuddle and respond to crying Baby, you are providing the security and safety necessary for Baby's healthy development." This is a quote from "Brain Development Research: Support and Challenges" an article written by Pan Schiller. I am lifting it from my teacher handbook.

This affirms my choices since I did NOT let my babies cry. They are now WONDERFUL, secure teens (well almost, my youngest is 11 1/2)and they do sleep through the night!

1 mom found this helpful

I never let my baby cry it out. However, he did sleep through the night at 2-3 months, slept in his crib from day one, and is a fabulous sleeper now at 9 months. We put him in his crib after his bedtime routine and say goodnight, and very rarely do we have to go back in his room until morning. I just wanted to put this out there because I feel like some think it's either A) cry it out or B) sleep issues forever. We taught our son how to soothe himself without crying it out... it can be done! My favorite book is "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems" by Tracey Hogg. I can't recommend it enough. Good luck! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hello A.,
I am a first time mom also. Me and my fiance have a 2month daughter and I got a letter from the hospital I went to and in it it had a paragraph about crying babies. It said that a parent should never just let a baby cry because when he or she cries it is because he or she needs something or something is wrong. Also, it said that you can never spoil your baby too much. The more you pick your baby up when he or she cries, the more likely they will stop crying so much because they will know everything is alright. He or she will know that he or she doesn't have to cry everytime he or she needs something. That is just some advice, but every parent is differnt along with every baby. So the end decision is totally up to you.

1 mom found this helpful

A., I am not totally answering your question, but I have a solution that I think is easier for everyone. I read about it in a book called Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. You put your baby to bed awake, when it starts to cry, you pick it up. As soon as it stops crying, you put it back into the crib. You keep that up - that picking up when crying and put back down when it stops crying. Before long it realizes - without getting hysterical from crying - that you will be there to meet its needs, but that it needs to stay in the crib and it will be fine.
I did it with my daughter and it worked like a charm. She knows how to get herself to sleep now.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey A.,
I am a mother of 2 under the age of 4. I am a firm believer in letting them cry. My first was a horrible sleeper and I trained him over a period of 3 months. He is almost 4 and sleeps all night and still naps. My second just did it naturally she was no problem. I had lots of crying my self and sitting outside his door with a pillow over my ears. But it worked and he was a great sleeper after that. I would suggest reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". It was my bible and I give it to all my friends for baby gifts. Good luck and I promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
I guess this is one where you really just trust what you feel the most comfortable with. I love the book Babywise, it is pro crying it out and gives reasons why but it also has all kinds of advice on all kinds of topics. I highly recommend it but again this is all peoples opinions :) Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

I think I might have been one of the people who replied to you before. I've done a ton of research (reading books and articles) on this subject as well as being a part of 3 mom forums. and what I've realized is this: when it comes to the issue of CIO vs not CIO (crying it out), it comes down to a basic parenting philosophy. Attachment Parenting believes that maintaining physical closeness to the parents is healthy and develops close bonds. It also believes in handling kids with tender care, lessons taught through soft voices, etc. More traditional parenting believes that nurturing independence is healthy and allowing kids to figure it out on their own produces the best long-term results. So when you get very different answers about an issue like this, it usually comes down to whether the mother subscribes to Attachment Parenting or not. (Attachment parents also believe in keeping baby in a sling attached to mommy, having a family bed, etc.) Personally, I don't believe in Attachment Parenting. I've seen results like your friend--kids who can't put themselves to bed or stay in bed, freak out when mommy and daddy leave, have anxiety around other people, etc.

As far as when to try CIO, I recommend trying a few books. Get recommendations from friends who share your same parenting philosophy and see what the experts have to say about it.

Personally, I found The Baby Whisperer to be a fantastic book about how to get your child to sleep through the night (and many other issues). My baby was 8 weeks old when I started reading it. She went from 3 to 6 hours of sleep a night within 4 days of trying the techniques in that book. And by 3 months old she was sleeping 8 hours a night and never looked back. The Baby Whisperer is not Attachment style, but also not hard-core in the other direction either. She recommends letting your child "fuss it out" but not to let them scream bloody murder endlessly. I also recommend Baby Wise for good ideas about sleeping. It's not as entertaining, but has lots of good research to back it up.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

I think people go to extremes on both ends. You don't have to run every time the baby cries, but letting them cry for hours at a time isn't helpful either. Sometimes babies cry due to frustration and they just need to get it out of their systems. I think once you recognize what a cry is for: pain, hunger, boredom, etc. it is OK to allow some crying. It won't hurt them as long as you are loving and cuddle them at other times.

L. ;)

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A....I read your post and realized WE sound a lot alike! :) I think you will know when your little one needs attention and doesn't need attention. I do believe it is better to error on the side of giving MORE attention than not. As long as you can lay them down when they are awake for naps and bedtime, you are on the right track! My son Tim is 15 months and still wakes up once at night on occasion. I've noticed he does this more when he's teething. I personally go in to tell him I'm sorry his mouth hurts, check for a poopy diaper, and maybe offer aspirin and/or bottle. I guess I would say to wait to let them 'cry it out' until after 1 year when they can understand us when we say, "IT IS TIME TO GO NA-NIGHT!" Even then...maybe check every 15 minutes or so?.....You are sure to do the right thing if you love your baby, which of course you do!! :)

1 mom found this helpful

I would never let a baby cry because they have no other to commicate with you. As a parent your child needs to trust that you will be there for them when they need you. How can they trust when you are not responding to their needs? Once the child rearches about 18 months to 2yo then their sleeptime pattern has been long established if they cry when they are put down to bed/nap then I would let them cry after a reminder that it is time for sleep but not before I knew they could understand me and communicate their needs if not verbally then in other ways.

1 mom found this helpful

Check out the book : The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Teaching You How to Ask the Right Questions BY: Tracy Hogg.
First you need to evaluate the situation. Your baby might need something and if you just let the baby cry it out it is not met. I think it's good to get them sleeping through the night around 7 months. They've been on solids for a little while and can be sustained through the night easier. This book was a great help to me. You teach your child to learn how to go to sleep themselves, but at the same time not abandoning them to just cry it out.

1 mom found this helpful

Please see Dr. Sear's website. He has a lot of helpful suggestions on getting your little one to sleep. He also has a wonderful book on sleep help.

Even if you are comfortable with letting your child cry it out, most of the articles I have read state that it is not healthy until a child is 6-9 months.

Please research the stress associated with letting your child cry it out at a young age.

1 mom found this helpful

This is an interesting and controversial topic. It strikes me that you have made up your mind, but in the interest of general reading, I will describe my thinking:

To me, when my children were babies, it was obvious that crying was the only way they had to tell me that I hadn't noticed yet that something was wrong. I mean, if they could have written me a note or something, maybe it would have felt possible to watch them suffer and dismiss whatever was wrong as not important enough to me to bother with.

I read a great deal of anthropology and psychology before my kids were born, and continually following. There was much in both that was disturbing. In some cultures, it is unusual to hear children cry *at all*. In our culture, it is 'normal' for 8 year olds to have nervous habits - including violent rocking, nailbiting, hairpulling, eyelash pulling, self-biting, nosepicking, etc.

All of that reading indicated to me that there are a lot of things we do wrong here when it comes to children.

An acquaintence said 'never get into a power struggle over things children need to do or die: food and sleep.' I thought it was sensible advice.

Out of it, I got two children who asked for their pajamas when they were tired, and asked for apples and toast when they were hungry.

Children need firm, predictable routines, including being allowed to eat when they're hungry, in order to feel secure, and feeling secure is what it takes to avoid adopting nervous habits. I felt it was important for my children *not* to learn that when they are hungry or in pain, lonely or thirsty in the night no one is coming because nobody cares.

One other interesting piece of information: according to sleep researchers, who film this stuff instead of just bragging (or lying) about it, children do not sleep through the night regularly until they are close to 4 years old. Whether or not they bother to wake up their parents is predictable only based on whether or not they think anyone will come when they call. Children can learn hopelessness, too.

1 mom found this helpful

A.- I am a mother of 3 (ages 6,4, and 7 months) and I have never let them "cry it out". My older 2 both sleep in thier own rooms and go to sleep on thier own after reading a few stories on the couch. Neither wakes up at night unless there is a bad dream, but even this is rare. As babies, all my kids have been different despite being mothered the same way! 6 year old slept all night from 3 to 14 months, but started waking once a night after she started walking, lasted a few months (pretty common), 4 year old didn't sleep thru the night until he was 2, 7 month old slept thru night til she was 4 months (like yours) then started waking every 3 hours, which is where we are now. Mothering is an instinct, and if letting them cry makes you cry and feels wrong, it probably is! I figure, they are only little once and making them feel secure and loved is our job. I'll get some sleep in a few years, as this is my last baby! I rocked all my babies to sleep until they were at least 2 years old, but "amazingly" they are actually able to fall asleep on there own and I haven't stunted there ability to sooth themselves as I was warned of by sooooo many people. Follow your heart and do what feels right. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
We have an 19 mo daughter and were criticized by some of our friends and family for letting her "cry it out". We finally decided that we had to do what was best for our family, which was to get restful sleep since we both work and a cranky baby is never fun! We read this book called 'On Becoming Babywise' which supports the idea of teaching children to sleep through the night on their own. We followed it and she was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks. She has gone through a few periods where she would cry when she was put down or would wake up...all we did was go in there hug her, give her a kiss and lay her back down. Most of the time, it worked. Sometimes, she'd cry it out after we left the room. We felt two lessons here; 1) she would learn to sleep without us, but still trust we were available when she truly needed us and 2) she couldn't manipulate us with tears. No one can tell you what's right for you. I have several friends that are not able to cope with hearing their child cry. Do what feels right, it probrably is.
V.

1 mom found this helpful

I also am a first time mom and have a full time job, my son is 6 1/2 months old. He still gets up in the night. Some people say I should not do this, but as soon as a hear a little fuss from him I am right there by his side. I hate to hear him cry ever. I think that whle he is not big enough to take care of himself it is my job to make sure his every need is met even if that means less sleep for me. Besides I kind of treasure it, he already is growning up soo fast anytime I can spend with him the better.

1 mom found this helpful

We have two sons: a five year old and a one month old. We always address crying. We believe that there is always a legitimate reason for the crying, and in calling attention to it, you let the child know that his or her feelings are important. This leads to a confident and secure child, who doesn't need to cry to "get attention". The child knows that his or her needs will be met without having to cry or throw a fit.

This approach may not work for all children, every child is different, but it has worked wonderfully for our five year old. He is independent, confident, and unbelieveably well mannered. We like to think it's a combination of his disposition and our great parenting ;)

1 mom found this helpful

this is such a personal decision because you need to listen to your baby ! each baby is so different with his/her needs.

My first born son was colicky and did not sleep. And when I say " didn't sleep" I'm talking- couldn't stay sleeping even when he was days and only weeks old. He would get so overtired and just scream and could not calm down and fall asleep.
Everyone told me " he'll sleep when he needs to" and to let him cry himself to sleep. But it didn't work. I remember three days straight listening to him scream for every nap attempt and bedtime and he never ONCE cried himself to sleep. He'd cry harder and harder and longer and longer till he was so hysterical he couldn't sleep at all.

I finally stopped listening to everyone and tried listening to him and found he really did need me for comfort during that time. He slept mostly on my chest, lots of times having to nurse to sleep etc.

What we found out was that my son is autistic. We didn't find this out till he was 3 years old, but it finally made sense why he struggled to calm himself on his own.
The point is not that there is something " wrong" with your child,but that MOMMY KNOWS BEST!
I knew in my gut there was something else going on, and I wish I could rewind time and give myself permission to do whatever I needed to for all of our sanity and peace.
My son was not being a stinker, he wasn't fighting me , he was sincerely not ready to cry himself to sleep. Some kids are that way, so try it if you're comfortable with it, and watch the clock. "They" claim to give your baby 10 or 15 minutes and if the crying is getting worse and not starting to stop then go pick them up. there is no need to torture everyone involved when they are so little and can't explain their needs to you yet.
Good luck! , remember to listen to your heart!

1 mom found this helpful

I have a one yr old and a six yr old and I have not ever let them cry for more than five minutes and they go to bed in their rooms, in their beds and without my help.
I also know moms like the one you mentioned, I just think there is probably more to it than just that they don't let them cry.
Good luck, I think you just have to do what is right for you and your LO. :)

1 mom found this helpful