11 answers

Lending/giving Money to Family Members

Hi,

I would like advice about parents helping their children and grandchildren in these difficult financial times. Money can be a very emotional issue-you don't want your family suffering, but you also need what money you have for possible future needs.

It appears that the children only visit you, when you give them money. Are other grandparents or parents of wed children, having these issues?

I would appreciate some feedback

Thank you,

L. P

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I have 3 kids - The only one I have this issue with is my 27 yr old who is the mother of my grandson. I too am struggling with this, and have done a lot of research on it. The result: If you stop giving them money and they stop coming around maybe they weren't meant to come around until they grew up a little more.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Maybe you can love them and empower them rather than enable them. Go on amazon and get them each a used copy of Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover". It's an amazing guide that saved myself and my husband from having to be those children to our parents. We didn't have the money sense, though we desired it, but after reading through that book it put things in a perspective that we were able to do!

Good Luck!
J.

2 moms found this helpful

I have 3 kids - The only one I have this issue with is my 27 yr old who is the mother of my grandson. I too am struggling with this, and have done a lot of research on it. The result: If you stop giving them money and they stop coming around maybe they weren't meant to come around until they grew up a little more.

2 moms found this helpful

L.,

have you ever watched Judge Judy? I would be careful about giving adult children "loans" to help them about unless you are okay with not getting the money back.

If you do give a "loan" get something about repayment terms in writing, even if it's just a hand written IOU.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

It is too bad that you feel that children/grandchildren on visit when they need money...that being said this a little rule of thumb that my own father taught me about loaning money to family. Never loan out more than you can afford to give to them, that way if they don't repay you then it doesn't hurt you financially. Also, maybe say I cannot afford to loan $500, but I certainly can give $250. Or, you can also always say NO!!! I am 33 years old and have been on my own for quite some time ( nearly 15 years), and I never had to ask my parents for financial help until last year after my husband was laid off at Christmas , and adding a new addition to my family, because we exhausted our savings. It was humbling, embaressing, and I hope I never have to ask them again because I am supposed to be an adult, but thankfully the very willingly and graciously helped us with a lot of money so we could get back on our feet. Maybe you need to ask yourself and them why you think it is okay that they ask and only come around when money is needed...sounds as if they are taking advatage of a situation and you are letting them.

2 moms found this helpful

I am on the opposite end of this issue. I am 29 years old and a single mom. I have borrowed a few times from my Mom. But I always make sure I pay her back as soon as I can. And I don't borrow large amounts from her. Except one time I borrowed $200 to fix my car but I paid her back two days later. That is the most I would ever borrow from her. But if she didn't lend me money it wouldn't change our relationship at all. My daughter and I would still visit her just as much as we do now (which is a couple times a week) because our relationship isn't about money. I love my Mom because she is my Mom and she raised me.
If you feel uncomfortable lending your children/grandchildren money put your foot down and don't lend them money. As hard as it will be- if they don't come around still then they don't appreciate you and the fact that you are their mother/grandmother and they shouldn't be around you anyway. You deserve that respect and love just for being who you are not because you give them things.
Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I recommend that you don't help kids and grandkids with financial situations, other than giving them the guidance they need to make better decisions.

I grew up in a financially privileged household, however my parents and my husband's parents have NEVER given us money, even when we happened upon hard times. We had to learn by struggling some, how to make better financial decisions and to work hard for what we have. It would be so much easier if parents just handed us money, but then there are no life lessons learned and people typically just end up in the same situation again eventually, particularly if they know someone will bail them out.

So keep your money, but love your kids and grandkids. They need to learn how to work hard and make better decisions.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

My children are still small yet, so I have been on the receiving end. My mother & inlaws have helped us in a major time of need and I can't tell you how much it was truly needed and appreciated. Gifts like that should not be expected and should be sincerely appreciated, not to mention paid back. There are no free hand outs in life. I would suggest that if they are typically hard working and not lazy, geniunely appreciate you and plan to pay you back, then it should be okay to help them out. Only give what you have to give and don't burden yourself. If you truly can't and they don't understand that, than you know you made the right decision anyway.

For me personally, I am teaching my children to work hard for what they want and to appreciate everything they are given. I hope that when they are grown and come to me for help, I will have it to give. Parenting doesn't stop at 18 but there is a fine line regarding responsibility. ( :

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry that your children only visit when they need something. I am not a grandma, but my brother and sister-in-laws are constantly borrowing money from my mother-in-law. I guess what you need to ask your self is, is this something that they truely need due to things beyond their control, or are they spending their money stupidly, and that's why they need your help. You mentioned something about someone loosing a job. Are they truly looking hard for another one? I guess what I mean to say in a nut shell is, if you feel that your getting taken advantage of, then stop, but if you feel that they just need some help for a short while( a couple of times) and they're truely trying to do what they need to do to get back on their feet, then by all means help them. Keep in mind that if you helping them is putting yourself in financial hardships, it is not rude to say no. Who's going to help you if you dont have any money? Trust your gut, it knows better than anyone else. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I still have small kids, so I am not a grandma yet, but I have never asked my mom for money after being married and moved out. And I see her usually once a week, give or take. I feel bad that your kids only come around to ask for money. That is not right. I don't know what to tell you, but just wanted you to know that not ALL grown kids still hit mom up for money! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

I have a bit of the opposite issue. I have given my dad money on a couple of occasions. I feel so bad because he worked so hard to provide for me growing up. So while I know his financial problems are of his own making (he never prepared for his future and he has historically spent money frivously), I still feel like I 'owe' him as I was denied nothing growing up. But it feels weird because I'm the 'kid' and he's the parent. I have also helped out my sister who has the same bad spending habits as my Dad. I have recently set a boundary with my Dad that I will not help him out anymore unless he shows me that he has a plan for future financial sanity. So far he hasn't asked and hasn't had any plan that I can see, he's always chasing after the get rich quick scheme, the man is 76 yrs old, c'mon!!!!

Anyway, i will pray for you to make the right decision. It's hard to find the line between helping and enabling them to continue to be irresponsible. As for the only visiting when they need money, that's inexcusable in my book. My dad doesn't visit me at all but mainly because I live in IL and he lives in AZ and can't afford it, but he is always very hospitable to my family when we come to visit him and his door is always open to us.

Take care,
H.

1 mom found this helpful

I will ask two question:

If they do not pay you back can you do with out the money you loaned them?

If they did not pay you back and you needed that money to live on, would you be able to sue your own children in small claims court?

f you do loan them money get a promissory note signed by all parties and a date they will pay you back by.
It's a tough situation.

Good Luck, S.

1 mom found this helpful

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