Lecture over Moving

Reading this post makes me think back when I was living with my X, which was temporary from the start. Eventually that time came and I told him I was going to get my own place. He put his newspaper back up to his face and said I couldn't afford to be without him. With that, I became more determined to move and I did.

But, I think Lovemahcritters has a point. Can you try to calmly tell her exactly what you said to us, "Yes, I know it will be hard and this is all very stressing to me" and follow with a firm note that you must go. Sometimes people just feel better when they hear they are right.

Please give her a break, you are moving away with her precious grandchild and her son, what seems controlling to you is just her way to tell you she will miss you all terribly. She is worried about you all on your own living in another state.
I know you are doing the best for your family, you need to be your own and I agree but just as you are scared of the change , she is too.
JMO

I would have one simple answer - yes, it's going to be hard but it's what we've decided is best for us. Thanks for your concern. If she keeps talking, just give her a blank stare and say - You should talk to X about that (as in her son). Repeat as needed.

I am always amazed when posts hit so close to home!

We are in a slightly different position - we own a house in NY but want to be closer to family (more specifically my sis and hubby's bro) and are contemplating moving to VA, just outside DC. We have not told either parent(s) because I cannot stand the idea of all the grief we will almost certainly get.

My best advice, thank her for her concerns but tell her this is a " family decision" and that as a family, you need to do what is best for the immediate family. Let her know she will always be welcomed at your new home (but only if that is true) and maybe think about other ways to stay in touch. A nice parting gift - like a scrapbook of her and the grandchild - may also help ease the transition. No one likes change. It can be scarey. Be the bigger person and help her through the change.

Good luck!
-C.

So it will be......Welcome to the Real World!!!! I wouldn't burn any bridges either. But I agree you all need to be on your own. It will be hard. Who knows...she may have a fear of being alone. Hard shell...soft heart!

I would try to be reassuring to her, and state what you said above. Yes I know it will be difficult, yes I worry about what might happen, but this is our lives and we think this will be a good chance. Yes we will miss you, but we can Skype or call often, and as soon as we are settled we hope you come and stay.
Life is filled with difficulty, but setbacks do not mean failure, and I applaud you for getting back out on your own. I don't think I could live a day with my mother or MIL - both strong and caring women who would do anything for their families, but because of their strength they are also very opinionated and as-should-be, they are the Alpha-female i n their own homeand having 2 who want to be in control does not work.
Bite your tongue and soon you may actually find you do miss her once you are far away.

Fast forward. You state the conclusion as soon as she starts. Works like a charm!

MIL: Whew, I don't know how your going to survive in the heat - it's over 140 degrees!
J.: Where's 140 degrees?
MIL: In the desert. Where you'll be stranded when your car breaks down on your move. I hope you packed enough water.
J.: You're right - it's going to be tough. It's going to give us lots of opportunities to practice our patience and really pull together. But you're absolutely right - it's going to be really hard.

(Exit J. from room quickly)

Okay I went thru some simmilar stuff with my MIL, here is the main thing - she did not raise you and she has no clue what your financial values are and she is impressing upon you HERS and what she did or thinks she tought her son. She is scared worried and has no idea what to do or how to help and this is what is happening. I would sit down with her and go over your actual plan, show her your research and ask her if you missed anything. Make her feel like she did you a favor by taking you in and that she did a "good job" with you while you were there - that is what she needs. It is silly sometimes but we have to make our parents (in laws or not) feel as though they did a good job - you being harsh or short or not including her in your plans makes her think you do not want her involved and you are ungrateful for what she feels was a major service to you. It is the way of the parenting world.

The plan all along is for you to save up enough money to be on your own.
In your past posts, you have written a lot about how controlling and unfair she is, you feel she has no right to say this or that, etc.

Living in the same house has not been easy on any of you. I think the fact of the matter is that the time for you to move is fast approaching and in spite of everything, she is still worried about you. I don't think it's a control thing as much as it being harder to help you if you are farther away. The reality is that you have had to live in her house, you have had to borrow money from her. You're moving far away with a grandchild that I'm certain she adores as well as her son. It would be impossible for her not to worry.

As far as insurance for your daughter, do you have a plan for that? If you do, you could just let her know that you have it covered instead of giving her a DUH attitude.

I could be reading this wrong, but it sounds like you are taking your daughter and moving away and your husband will join you AFTER you find a job. I don't know how much money you have saved, but in this economy, it could all be gone just keeping a roof over your heads while you look for work.
I thought your plan was to save money to get a house for you and your husband and daughter. Like I said, I could be mistaken, and you've needed to have a place of your own for a long time, but is this the wisest way to go about it? Does your husband have a job waiting for him in Washington?

Your plan is your plan and your business so I'm not trying to offend you, I'm just saying that even though you think your MIL is a hard hearted you-know-what, maybe she really is genuinely concerned as opposed to feeling a loss of "control" over you.

I have a 25 year old daughter with a baby who will be 1 in May. She has been on her own since 18, but if she told me she was moving to another state without having a job, etc, I would be worried out of my mind. Frankly, I would want to know what her back-up plan was going to be.

If you have a solid plan, go for it! Make it work.
Just realize that the people who have helped you all this time will have concerns. I think it's pretty normal.

You don't have to mistake concern for bitterness.
You don't have to say, "No matter how bad things get, I will NEVER come back here".

Those aren't good terms to leave on. Especially with your husband staying behind.

Just my opinion.

******I'm glad you have family where you're going. That certainly makes a difference.
This move WILL be stressful for you. Lord knows, I hate moving more than anything in this world.
You've counted the days. You know where you're going. You have family to help you on the other end. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Just focus on your goals and if your mother in law gets wonky, just go to that happy place in your mind where you can envision all the things you've planned and saved for coming to fruition. You're so close now.

Best wishes.

We bought temporary health insurance through Humana when we moved, we had a few months until the new job's benefits kicked in. Not sure if this is an option for you, but it's worth looking into. Also maybe it's not bitterness over not being able to control you, but actually sadness that you, her granddaughter, and son are moving out of state. It sounds like you've been (probably too) close to her since your daughter was born. Maybe tell her that she is welcome to come and visit and see just how capable you are of running your own household!

Dear J., congratulations for having the courage to break away from MIL! I totally hear you. I know it sounds as if she's undermining you, however try to consider that it's going to be really hard for her not to have the daily contact she has now. I'm sure there's also a part of her that's feeling "rejected". We had the opposite recently. My FIL died in November so my DH flew up to help his mom deal with everything. I flew up for the funeral and then came back and prepared a room for my MIL. We converted our study into a bedroom for her. Repainted the walls, furnished it & everything. Since we're her only family we thought she'd stay with us. After 3 months she decided to move back to her apartment in a different State. Honestly, we actually felt hurt that she didn't want to live near us! My FIL left her very well provided for. Her apartment is totally paid for. We offered to help her sell it and purchase something closer to where we live but she wouldn't hear of it. Obviously she's entitled to do what she wants and we still talk once a week but we do worry that, should something happen (like recently she passed out and had to be rushed to hospital) we're too far away to be of help. I think it might help you to consider that, when she implies you'll have to move back in with her, it's actually wishful thinking on her part and not an indication of her faith (or lack of it) in your abilities! I wish you and your family lots of luck in this new chapter of your lives. I have no doubt that everything will turn out for the best! :) God Bless.

I think you have to agree with her that it's going to be hard. Kind of takes the wind out of her sails.

If that doesn't work, then sit down with her and very nicely tell her that you know it's going to be hard; you are very stressed over the move; you know she's upset about her GD moving so far away; you're very sorry that there will be so much distance between you but you are hoping she comes to visit; please help me with this and stop putting more stress on you.

Maybe if you acknowledge how she feels, she might let up.

no wonder you're moving!
good luck.
khairete
S.