J.F. asks from Commerce City, CO on October 07, 2008
Leaving Town for a Trip and Nervous About Dad and Baby.....
First off let me say I am not worried about my husbands ability to take care of our baby...
I have a little girl who is about 4 1/2 months old. I stay home with her full time and she is breastfed. My husband works long hours so I am able to stay home with her. He sees her for about an hour a night (most nights) and one day on the weekend since he works 6 days a week.
She for sure is a baby that LOVES her mommy and isn't a fan of most any other person that wants to hold her- even grandparents and aunts.
We do get out, but it isn't for play groups. More just going to the mall and store and stuff like that. So really I am the SOLE person who interacts with her a majority of the time.
I have a half marathon I am running in San Fran in 2 weeks and I will be gone Sat-Mon. We have gotten her used to taking a bottle a few months back so we are good there, but even then that is only one a day and the rest of the time it is breast. As much as we can, I try and have my husband bath her or feed her when he is home at night, but since most nights she is in bed before he gets home, he misses out.
The next two weeks we are going to both do our best to have him do as much as we can for her, but because of how our life is set up, that is just hard.
Last night we had him give her a bath and feed her. She FREAKED out!! I have the easiest time putting her to bed, but she cried for nearly 45 minutes when he did and finally after he went to comfort her one more time and she freaked out again, then she fell asleep.
I am just worried for her!!! I feel terrible!!!
I mean I feel bad for my husband that he will have to deal with a very unhappy baby for 3 days. She smiles when she sees him most of the time, but if he holds her for any longer than 1/2 hour she is looking for me big time!
I am not sure if anyone has had to deal with this at all or if there is much we can do at this point, but any advice to help us all out would be great.
Again he is great with her, but she just loves our snuggle breast time and our routine. I am excited about my trip and the time away for me, but just breaks my heart that she will be so upset.
So What Happened?™
I want to thank everyone for their responses both on this post and in private emails to me.
However I want to say that to me this forum is supposed to be a place for encouragement and help and instead I see anger and frustration from many of you.
I know my husband deserves a chance and I clearly say in my post that I know he will take great care of her. I am not upset at this time he will have with her- I wish he got more of it and more often. I was merely asking for advice on how to help our little one out as well as him. Because he too has expressed concern. As caring parents I think it is great we want her to be happy.
She just sees more of me so it is natural that she would have a deeper connection. That does not mean I keep her from him or that I hide her away in our home or that I don't believe he can do it. We do get out and he sees her when he can. However because I am home with her all day and have no friends with children or friends that are unemployed, getting her socialized during the DAY can be a challenge- but it is not a phobia or paranoia; it is just the reality of me staying at home with her.
In any case I thank those of you that offered some real insight and I am sure all will be fine. This was in no way an anti-dad post, but instead one mom reaching out to those who perhaps have been in the same situation.
D.K. answers from Denver on October 07, 2008
It is okay to be worried, normal mommy instincts. I would and have been the same way. I worry with my ex taking the kids and mine are 4 and 7, however we aren't the only ones that they need.
Dads get the short end of the stick because us moms think we are the only ones to provide care the "right" way. Your daughter may freak, however she will also get some really good bonding time with dad and her short term memory is very little at this point. She will be fine. You can leave a list of what needs done, emergency back up numbers. Don't you think you need to be honest, that he deserves a chance.
You isolating her so much it sounds and being so paranoid will increase the babies stress. Not good for the baby or you. She needs to be exposed to different things and for crying out loud, he is the dad!
Let him have a shot. For three days I think he will be fine. She will be fine, relax and go run your race. It is really frustrating for men when we make them feel incompetent, then we complain they don't help enough. LET HIM HAVE THIS MOMENT and she will be fine!!!!!!!!!!
L.H. answers from Denver on October 08, 2008
i am so sorry that there are women still remaining that don't realize that the child has a dad too! and, he is not incapable of being a dad unless we don't allow him to be. i have to go out of town because of work, yes -- my husband and i are both nervous. yes, he has more time with our daughter than maybe your husband, however, she is breastfeed baby and i have been home w/her for 6 months. and, God forbid if something happened to me my husband would have no choice.
pls. don't make your husband not necessary -- he is very necessary to the process and it is the mindset of those who believe that men can't/won't diminshes relationships.....there is still life after our children!
S.H. answers from Denver on October 08, 2008
Hi, J.. I think she will be ok. She'll get used to the routine with Dad after a couple of times, and she will do just fine. Good for you for getting up to speed to do a 1/2 marathon after just 4 1/2 months! I was running halfs before my daughter was born in 2005, but haven't gotten back to that distance yet (had a son in 2/08, too...). Good luck!
K.G. answers from Denver on October 08, 2008
I guess I am more old-fashioned because I belong to another generation so my advice will be different from the younger moms out there. I would put the welfare of my baby first at this age. You should either take someone with you on this trip that can watch her for a couple of hours while you run or make a sacrifice (like your husband is doing every long workday) and sit this race out and go when she is old enough to understand that the separation is temporary. Starting with this long of a separation is going to be terribly stressful for your baby and your husband both, and it will benefit neither of them. You already know from experience that babies of 4 months freak out when they can't see you in the same room so there is absolutely no way that this is going to be a quality experience for either your daughter and especially your husband. There will be other races : ). As you will find out as your daughter grows, being a mom is a whole lot about making personal sacrifices to do what is best for your kids and putting your desires second, especially when they are small.
A.S. answers from Denver on October 08, 2008
I think 4 1/2 months is too young for you to be leaving her. Right now she needs her Mommy more than anyone else in the world. There will be other races, and everyone involved (including yourself!) will enjoy it more when she's a little older.
L.C. answers from Denver on October 12, 2008
I know I'm late on this, but wanted to put my 2 cents in anyways. Especially reading that you got some less than supportive responses. I've been there before. While we know that Dad will do a great job, we still worry because its not us, and we're not there. The plain truth is that Dads tend to do it different than mom. It took me several years and 3 kids to realize that when it's just Dad the routine is COMPLETELY different than when I'm home. At first I had a hard time, I would leave instructions, saying what and when they needed to be fed, laying out clothes etc.(not that my husband needed this, but because I felt better knowing I still had a hand in there) After awhile I realized that Daddy has his own style, and his own way of getting things done, and even though it's not my way of doing things, they are clean and fed and happy. This weekend away is going to give him a great chance to find out what works for him as Daddy, and what great bonding time they will have! The first nigh may be a little shaky, but she willstill be with a parent that loves her and wants the best for her, and it will most likely end up being just fine.