Last Name

Updated on July 03, 2008
K.P. asks from Cocoa, FL
36 answers

I'm feeling kind of guilty. My boyfriend and I weren't married when my second, our first, son was born (still aren't). My first son has my last name and I decided to give the new baby my name too. The father was absolutely upset. We still argue about this. I figured he wouldn't stick around, then I'd be left with 2 kids with 2 names. (I have good reason to think this, turns out he had a child 6 months before our baby was born. We were together. I had no idea). I know, please spare me the lectures.
Here's the kicker. We are "engaged" and are pregnant AGAIN. Again, maybe I'm just a pessimist but until we have fresh ink on the marriage certificate I STILL want to give this baby MY name. We won't be married before the new little one is born.
What do you guys think? My fiance says that as long as he's in the children's lives, even if we werent together, they should have his last name. I say I am the only constant in their lives and the common bond that holds the ALL the boys together. All of them should have MY last name until we get married. Am I being too stubborn? I realize I'm 'hurting his feelings' but to me he's an outsider or a visitor to the family until he DECIDES to actually JOIN the family.

**Edit: ok So I left a little info out...I'll explain a little more:
Honestly I'm trying to put an end to our relationship. Thus the quotation marks around "engaged". I think it was a ploy to buy more time with me & the kids. You know the whole I love him but gota let him go situation. I know there's no future. He's barely seen the kids this month and hasn't contributed financially at all in the last few months. He actually has 3 kids other than the 2 with me *winces yes I'm an idiot I know* I was devestated to find out. So... yes my kids know who he is, yes he used to/likes to spend time with them, even says he wants to change my oldest son's name to his and adopt him, is that enough? Mind you none of these wonderful things have happened. Oh I also planned on hyphenating baby #1's name. He out right refused and told me to pick one so I picked my name. I'm leaning towards naming baby#2 his name BUT to go through a name change for baby#1 seems like a lot of trouble. Come to think of it, I don't even think he's on the birth certificate. I'm sure this was on purpose. Yes not a good situation and I've been having less and less communication with him lately.

What can I do next?

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L.S.

answers from Miami on

I can understand his point of view, but I can also understand yours. But they are also his children.

Why don't you give your children both names. For instance, John Smith-Jones. I am married and I hyphenated my name. I did not want to lose my maiden name, so I hyphenated "My last name-Then his last name". Look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Their kids are all Jolie-Pitt and they are not even married.

They will always be his children, so why should they not have his last name too? Even if you are not together eventually, which is not a good way to think by the way, positivity is essential in any relationship, but nevertheless, they will always be his. And if it bothers him that much then let them have his name too.

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M.S.

answers from Miami on

I think they should have his name. On another note, if you're that pessimistic about him sticking around why are you marrying him??? If you're engaged doesn't that indicate that he wants to be a "part" of the family. You are being too stubborn and are hurting his feelings. Why would he want to stick around if you consider him to be an outsider or a visitor? He sounds like he wants to be a part of their lives, which he has a right to, no matter which last name the boys have.

My best advice would be to get some therapy for your issues and then decide if you want to still get married. If you don't end up getting married then all the boys should have your last name.

Okay...lecture done. I wish you and all your boys the best. Hopefully everything will work out and you all will be one happy family.

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D.H.

answers from Miami on

This is a very sensitive issue! How is the father of your children an outsider or visitor??? Why would you want to marry him, if you don't even feel like he is a part of your family? Does he live with you, help with the kids, bring home some of the bacon?

At this point, it seems more logical for all of the children to have the same last name (whatever name you chose). Your reasoning that he's not a part of the family until you are married makes no sense to me. You either love him or you don't and obviously you are committed to being in a relationship (otherwise you wouldn't keep making babies with him). Regardless of whether you get to walk down the aisle, he is their father and is their family. I totally disagree with your initial reason for not giving them his name (it's almost like a carrot your dangling in front of his face to get what you want), but again at this point it seems worse for the kids to have all different names. When you do get married - are you then going to change all of the kids names to his?? P.S. If you're living together and have been together for more than 2 years and have two kids with another on the way - I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you're already married. You've already outlasted most official marriages and if you're happy on a day-to-day basis, stop sweating the piece of paper and appreciate what you have - a father who is present in his sons' lives!

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S.K.

answers from Miami on

He isn't an outsider or a visitor. He made those kids with you. They really should have his last name. Both of his kids. If he leaves in the end... that will be their connection to their father. I don't think you are doing them any favors and you are really showing a lot of distrust to him. You wanted an honest anser... no lecture... just my honest feelings.

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G.R.

answers from San Juan on

Your relationship with your partner has nothing to do with the realtionship that he as the father of your son's have. He has the right as the man who fathered your children to give them his last name, because this is not a matter of your relationship with him, it is a matter of who is the true father and who is the man that will be with them in the future with or without you. They his family have a right too. I think that you are selfish thinking souly on yourself and not on the boys. What if something happens to you (God bless you and give you health) but these are things that can happen. Then the real father will not have the right to keep his children only after he has fought in court just like Ana Nicholes daughter. I think the kids should have the father's last name, I think men have a right too, and I am a women speaking.

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S.S.

answers from Miami on

K.,

You aren't doing yourself or your children any good by not giving them their fathers name. They have every right to know where they come from. There are no absolutes in this world, as they say easy come easy go. It sounds to me like you are trying to push your boyfriend/fiance out the door by cutting his name out of the children's. This certainly is not fair to either of them. You are not the only constant in their life there are others and it seems to me that he is one of them. You are being very selfish and very stubborn. Step back and read what you have written and take your self out of the situation and think about it from someone else's perspective and the first thing you are going to see is me, mine, my and not ours. He is already part of the equation he helped to make two of the children he is already involved his name should already be on the birth certificates.

Good luck.

S.
35 y/o SAHM of 13 y/o boy from 1st marriage and 5 y/o boy and 3 y/o boy from 2nd marriage

J.D.

answers from Boca Raton on

Explain it to him exactly how you explained it to us.........why don't you ask him to marry you? REALLY ask formally............ring and all? To "change" a name is easy, but he would have to go through the adoption process for your first son.......................it's alot to take in.............All the best to you.

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J.W.

answers from Miami on

I agree completely. Stick to your guns. If he really wants to be in the kids' lives he will marry you and then you can all take his name.

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M.D.

answers from Miami on

Hi K.! Well I defienetly agree with you. You are and will always be a constant in those boys lives that's for sure. Honestly and this is just my opinion, if he is a good father and boyfriend and has proven you as such I don't see why they shouldn't all have his last name. But if he just comes and goes and doesn't help out financially or emotionally than I feel that it's in the best interest of the boys to honorably carry your last name. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but if you feel that you don't want to be with him and longer and your just hanging on for the kids sake don't do it, remember you must be happy too, in order to make those boys happy as well. Remember men ALWAYS say what we want to hear and they will try to convience us to think and say different at times. So you must stand firm in what you believe in and what is the best for your boys. I wish you the best of luck in your decision and I know that you feel like your hurting his feelings but if you feel that your doing what is best for your children than go for it and do what you feel is the right thing. I personally would give them your last name. GOOD LUCK!!! Let me know what you decide please.

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S.I.

answers from Miami on

my personal opinion is thatyou need to follow your heart. it has nothing to do with him wether you are married or not or wether he decides to stick around or not. no matter what you need to do what you feel is the best. and if thats giving those kids your last name and not his then do it. fact of the matter is that you carried them. not him. he can be as angry as he wants it still doesnt change the fact that you are doing what you think is the kids best interest. i say give all the kids your name and dont give him anything sounds like he has no interst in sticking around in the end.

and honestly dont even think about changing the names until you find someone you love and love s you and loves the fact that you area packaged deal. they are out there believe it or not. i have two children with my last name and one child with my husbands last. we have been married for four years and hewas the one who brought up changing the kids lasts namesto his that told me everything i needed to know. and eventually we are going to do it but its a situation that i know i am making the right decision in.

it sounds like its time to put it all behind you and end it. i wish you luck and i hope you make the decsion that you are the most comfortable with. thats what will count in the long run.

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V.

answers from Melbourne on

I really don't think any of us should be judging you, but I will give my opinion mostly on the name issue. I do go on and on, but I'm just giving my rambling opinion, whatever that's worth. I really don't follow some of this idea that naming rights should belong to the father. That whole tradition is only because we live in a paternalistic society that sees family as male centered. Yet when things go south it almost always ends up being the female that takes care of the family. Men seem to think that because they were once the bread winners that automatically should entitle them to last name of child and spouse, family ownership, and decision making above the spouse. I hope most families are past this, but I know many are not. Buy the way I and my kids have daddy's last name, but that may be more because I was anxious to get rid of my maiden name (which was Gronvold now I have short and simple Brown.)though we are married and never had any cheating issues.

Usually when I hear a child's last name, I tend to associate it with his families name. So when mommy is the full time care giver and daddy is either always missing or sometimes missing (to go make other babies without your knowledge or otherwise)I do tend to assume that the child's last name is the same as whoever is at home caring for and about them all the time. In your case that would be your name. I know there are many reasons for many different last names, but that tends to be my first assumption until I am explained otherwise. So if daddy still hasn't married you and doesn't intend to marry until after baby is born and cheated on you and had another child with or without your knowledge, it seems as though you are much more a part of that child's permanent and constant family then a daddy that hasn't completely decided to stick around. I know I'm probably just confusing you more, but I see this more as the female's decision and you should make the final decision on the child's last name cause you are far more likely to be a full part of that child's life. Why do we give men this privilege who have proven to only intend to be partially involved in the child's life while the mother has always been fully involved in the child's life (I'm not referring to mothers who are only partially involved themselves, nor am I talking about men who are fully involved). There's nothing that says the child has to have the dad's last name, other than tradition and tradition is changing and probably should change a bit.

Someone asked "what happens if something happens to you?" but how is that relevant? You could ask the same of him if the child has his last name, "what if something happens to him?" The name doesn't matter, the parents can still be included on the birth certificate without giving the child the fathers last name. The child's name can also be changed once daddy steps up and decides to fully include himself in the child's life.

If you are still conflicted about making the daddy feel bad or excluding his last name you can do as many have suggested and use a hyphenated name so both are included. This often allows the person to decide what he or she wants to go buy weather it be full hyphenated version or just male or female half of last name. I also agree with you that having kids with multiple last names especially for children with same set of parents can be confusing for the children and for others who don't know your full situation. It can also leave the child feeling singled out or different, then the others. It may also increase unwanted questions from others about the paternity or maternity of each child, which you and your children may or may not want to discuss.

I just think these things should be yours and spouses decision. But it should always be a choice, not some automatic thing that is always for the father's entitlement, especially when some fathers don't take full responsibility as a real father. As I said though, this is just my opinion, whatever that is worth.

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I.F.

answers from Miami on

dear K.,allowed me to talk to you in open way
it seems, that you are holding on, you are in this relationship , engaged today and somehow you `expect the worst of it`, spirutually talking, this is a terrible thing to do, decide and jump!
you will be the only constance in the life of your kids , but their father too,so why notgiving to all of your kids both of the name, in certain culture their is no conflict doing this, it`s the symbol of the union in between 2 family
now, the really question should be about you and why are you so scared?
in life we cannot control the result , we can only do our best to be truthful and 100% in our journey

sincerly I.

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S.M.

answers from Miami on

Have you considered hyphenating? It could be a nice compromise...

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T.H.

answers from Miami on

I know that this can be confusing but it really shouldnt be. I had the same problem with my first child but i would have never even thought about not giving her his last name.First of all that is his child why make hin feel bad just because you were not married i understand that you dont want different last names but sometimes in life we have to be different.I ended up getting married to him but we got a divorce I stayed with his last name only because of my daughter.Well i got married again and my last name changed again we now have a 19 month old daughter. So my oldest daughter is the only one now that has a different last name so i had to explain to her why she has to be this way because at one point she even wanted to change her last name.Once i talked to her she understood very well why the different last names.So yes in my opinion your boyfriend is right and you should really think about this better.I wish you the best of luck with this Have a Blessed Day :)

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C.M.

answers from Miami on

I would give the kids your name. It does not sound like he is planning to be a big part of the kids lives and it sounds like you've realized this and don't want to be with him anymore regardless of his relationship with the kids. This is probably for the best, if he is already neglectful of you and the kids.
I am definitely not passing judgement, because sometimes youjust can't help who you fall in love with. But now that you've seen him for who he is and realize he's not what's best for you and your kids, you have to do what you think is best for them, not for him. It will be difficult for them to have an absentee father, but with your love, support and looking out for their best interests, they will be fine. As little as it seems, having 3 kids 3 different names can have a stigma for the kids. They will have mutual friends and those friends will ask "why" (as will some of their parents) and not all of them will be so kind in their judgments and comments. Kids (and parents) can be cruel. By having all 3 of your kids have the same name, it will save them a lot of this pain.
If the day comes, when the father truly gets his act together (it has been known to happen) and shows a true interest in all of your kids and absolutely commits to a relationship with you and them (i.e. 1) spend committed, quality, regular time with all 3 kids 2) builds a trustworthy relationship with you and the kids 3) actually marries you, doesn't just use it as a ploy to get his name on a birth certificate) then you might consider making a change. This will take a long time to happen (I wouldn't trust an overnight change and more "promises"). Otherwise, you and the kids are in for a lot of heartache. I know of what I speak because I am close with a person who has been through a very similar situation. She handled it badly (i.e. giving all 3 kids different names, men not following through on their promises to have a relationship with her and all kids, her not telling the kids the truth about their fathers, etc.) and it has come back to hurt all of them 1000 times over. Please avoid these mistakes for your kids sakes.

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J.S.

answers from Melbourne on

Hi my name is J.. And I think it is the right decision to give the kids your last name. I don't know why you question yourself. And dont listen to anyone who tells you different. You are the constant in their lives. My son who is 12 has his fathers last name, he is a drunk. Hasnt paid support in 2 years, and cant be found to "get consent " to change my sons last name to mine. My son also had a bad accident with his hand, it got caught in his motorcycle chain, cant find his dad to tell him. I have a (almost) 1 year old little girl with a different man, But this time the baby took my name. And good thing because her father and I are having problems. This guy want my son to have his name,I said NO WAY not until we are married. Well... nothing has changed. So I think you are 1000% right to give the kids your name, especially with you wanting to leave him. No reason everyone has to have different names. they remind us of our mistakes, and the loosers they turned out to be.

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B.B.

answers from Miami on

K.,
My advise is stick to your gut feeling. You already made the right dicision naming the first 2 with your last name, name the unborn child your last name. You and your kids are your family and if you are the head of household than your last name is the appropriate one. I'm a single mom and my son has my last name. I'm proud of that.

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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

I honestly wish you and your children the best of luck. But I'm going to come right out and say it: If you can't keep your pants on around guys YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T TRUST, then you should save yourself a lot of future trouble and have your tubes tied.

And I agree with the others who recommend therapy of some sort. It's not fair to keep bringing children into the world whose notion of "Dad" is someone who only comes around once in a while and who shows Mom no respect. (How do you think this guy learned it?)

If it's possible, you might consider taking the kids and moving in with your parents for a while so you can have a solid base of emotional support and get your life on track.

Best of luck to you!

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L.H.

answers from Miami on

I'm with YOU!
let him step up to the plate & marry you!

Tell him you'll add his last name when you're married (I'm a pessamist and think about the kiddos in case he disappears- I have a cousin w/ a similar story as yours- she's glad now that all of her kids have the same, hers, last name...).

one last 'harsh' thing and it's not too bad, LOL!!
please consider getting yourself into therapy...it sounds like you could use someone w/ an objective opinion to talk with...(I'm not judging you, just going by your own post where you tell of him cheating on you, how he isn't marrying you, etc...please go talk to a professional...)

be kind to yourself, mama!

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S.L.

answers from Boca Raton on

Its always natural for the children to have the Fathers last name, you should have hyphened the name between yours and his if you felt that strongly about not being married. There are alot of children who don't know their father and extended family and you keeping his last name out of the children's name is just not fair and your Fiance is there for his children. Your engaged to be married and even if you were to get a divorce the children still have the fathers last name. I think before you have this baby you should have your other childs name changed. The child is your baby but he also belongs to his father. I think you took something very special away from a father who was willing to be one.
SAHM OF 5 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, 16yrs 8 years 6 years 2years and 8 months old www.Liamlockhart.com check out my sons journey

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M.R.

answers from Melbourne on

GEEZ! IT'S JUST A NAME!!! Besides, there are plenty of ways you can make sure if anything happens to you that the boys are well taken care of by either the father or a family member.
As far as the father goes..and this is just MY opinion..GET RID OF HIM. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you do decide to marry him..please, please please get pre-marital counseling first! Good luck!

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J.C.

answers from Miami on

Wow! What a story...I have a 21 mos old boy and been married to my husband for 2 years. I married my husband when I was 4 mos pregnant. The reason for my marriage was not because I was expecting, but because we knew we were in love with each other most importantly. I think if I weren't married to him, I would of done the same. I would of given our son my last name. I think you are doing the right thing. If he can make 5 babies and have another on the way, then he can make all the preparations possible to say "I do!" Note: I found out I was pregnant Dec. 27th 2005 and married my husband March 25th 2006. Anything is possible...Good Luck!

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D.H.

answers from Miami on

I had to make the same choice 15 years ago. My daughter has my last name(her dad had a fit about it but he did get over it)I am now married and kept my last name since I felt it was very important for my child to have identity with the constant person in her life. When your children grow up and can make the choice to change the last name if they want to it will be their choice at that point. But I feel for know you aren't married the children should have your last name.
Best wishes to you and your family.

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A.M.

answers from Port St. Lucie on

I'm not married or engaged, but have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, our daughter will be 2 in July and she has his last name. We were to the point of breaking up when I found out I was pregnant, but he has been there for me and for our daughter. As long as he will be around for your children, it shouldnt really matter if they have his last name or not.

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S.G.

answers from Boca Raton on

K.,
While I appreciate your concerns, the truth is that how your boys will feel about their names and everything else will depend on what you say and feel about it and nothing else. I have a friend with three fabulous, well adjusted children who all have different last names, two different dads' and one hers. The older two are adults; successful and happy. It has never been an issue because she never made it one!
All the best to you!
: )
S.

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L.M.

answers from Boca Raton on

I would keep your name on their until you are secure in your marriage, no matter what you are their mother. You will always be the constant. Good Luck! www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan LisaM

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C.M.

answers from Boca Raton on

DEFINITELY give this baby your name!! You are so smart to have done it twice before, don't mess up with the 3rd. Once/if you do get married, you can handle all the name changes at once. Until then, you never know what will happen. Give this baby the same name as you and the other kids have!

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K.S.

answers from Miami on

Ahh...sounds familiar!
My 2 kids both have mine-his last names....
Was not my choice! I had no intention of using his last name. My daughter, without a doubt, was going to have my name only. I had strong concerns that he would not stick around and/or be a horrible father. Then, in the hospital he did a complete turn-around and I felt guilty for not wanting to use his name. So I did the whole hyphen thing. Things were going south fast when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN. For continuity, I was doing the hyphen-thing again. We married weeks before #2 arrived, and now, #2 is 8 mo and we are divorced. I feel like a dumbass for ever using his name...he isn't even around.
I think you should stick to your guns girl! Forget that loser and his other illigitmate kids! I had one hell of a divorce from an extremely weathly man, and I have been left with nothing. Not even a house to live in- but I am so much happier! I totally wish I never used his name. Keep it with yours and I KNOW you will happy in the end....
Much luck to you!

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M.H.

answers from Miami on

K.,

What a tough situation for you! I do feel for you.

I had a similar situation for myself. I got pregnant with my boyfriend who was recently seperated after 15 yrs marriage and 2 kids (15 and 7 yrs)he was not in a good emotional state from the pending divorce but at the time we met and dated he was a totally different person that I fell in love with, promises of "this and that together blah blah" he still isn't exactly in good sorts in my opinion.

He split for 6 months after I told him I was pregnant (very emotional person) and then came around and begged me to give "our" son his last name. Since I had been friendly with his sister and her family, I felt like maybe things would work out and we'd all be a family. Since then (my son is now 16 months) he's hardly around, never has any money and I'm wishing I would have given my son MY last name because you're right...the only thing constant is ME in my son's life. You have to do what you feel is right for YOU and YOUR baby.

God bless and good luck!

M.

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C.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

Hi K.,
1st, you said no lectures, so....if I was in your situation, I would definitely give those boys my name and I would also think twice about actually marrying this man. Is that the only child he has that you are not aware of??? Or is this just the first? Sorry, I don't want to be negative, but from one stranger to another stranger. Think long and hard, marriage is hard enough, even when you have complete trust in your partner. Lots of Luck and I will say a prayer you find your answers.
Best Wishes,
C.

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C.H.

answers from Miami on

I understand the difficultly in your situation...
In my opinion you should give your second son with him, the baby on the way, YOUR last name. That way all your boys have the same last name and if you go ahead and get married you can go and change both of his boys last names to his... if you change one or two names it will be the same hassle but if you only have one child's name to change and it never gets done it may be a bit hard for that child to understand.
I would maybe think differently if you didn't speak of ending the relationship, but overall it seems a bit unstable and I think if you want the baby to have YOUR last name and that should be enough.
Good luck!!

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A.H.

answers from Phoenix on

I would give the baby your last name. I was in that same situation with my baby (now 4 months old). Her Dad and I had dated for 7 years, but throughout the pregnancy even I felt like it wasn't going to last for some reason. He ended up leaving me in my 8th month. He still lives in the same city, but never sees her either, yet he is still bent about my not using his last name. If it works out with you two (which only if that is what you truly want), you can always change the last names of all of the children later. My view is having the man's last name should only be if you know he will be a lifer. I think it is a control thing sometimes with men to think differently. It is just my opinion.

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C.V.

answers from Miami on

As you requested, I'll spare you any lectures that come to mind and just agree with you. Unless he's committed to staying around (as in marriage) then the boys should have your name. I also would like to add if he DOES propose marriage make sure it's because of his love for you AND the boys, not just the boys.

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J.K.

answers from Miami on

If he's taking care of you and his child and wants to be in the childs life then he's right. the child should have his name. There areno guanantees he will stay but not even in marriage do you get that guarantee. The fact he accepts the child as his and helps out is more than resaonenought for the kidsto have his name.
J.
www.J..myarbonne.com

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T.B.

answers from Boca Raton on

Wow, K.... a LOT of people have responded with pretty much the same thing I have to say... USE YOUR NAME... It is the name that you and your kids associate with "FAMILY."
I'll also weigh in as a teacher (my profession)... these days it's SO HARD to call home because parents and kids don't share last names anymore... some kids have one name, Mom another, and Dad something different. I now need to ask to speak to "the parent of Jimmy Smith" instead of Mrs. Smith. Keeping them all with your name will make everything so much simpler and also give parenting credit where credit is due... TO YOU!
Best wishes,
T.

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L.E.

answers from Boca Raton on

Hi K., I too am in a similar situation except I'm on the other side. I was with a man who has 4 other kids to different women and he takes care of none of them. I got pregnant on accident(I wasn't being careful because I thought I couldn't get pregnant)but was EXTREMELY excited when I found out. My childrens father(I ended up having twins)was different with me than with his other kids mothers and said he wanted to be in their lives. Despite my better judgement I allowed him to put his name on the birth certificates and give them his last name. Now I wish I hadn't because we are going through serious problems and when it's all over my children and myself are going to have different last names and he won't be around for them to connect their last name with. I think you have made a very smart decision regarding what you have named your children and I hope that this has helped you. I don't know what area you are in but if you ever want to talk to someone who understands your situation, I would love to have someone to talk to that is smart but makes bad choices like myself! :)

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