Lack of Motivation

I have to admit that after working all day, all I want to do is watch TV too! That is a lot of structured activity for a little boy. How about setting up playdates with a classmate? (Unstructured playtime where TV and video games are not an option, that is.) We have a rule that TV isn't allowed for playdates since we can do that by ourselves.

As for wanting rewards, some kids are just wired that way. And when you think about it, many of the things adults do are also "consequence oriented" (I sure wouldn't go to my job without a weekly reward!). We use a sticker chart for rewards and that slows down the process and helps with delaying gratification. It takes 28 stickers to earn a toy.

How about letting him choose the activity? Maybe give him a choice of 3. It's a lot more motivating when you're doing something YOU want to do. Are his friends on a soccer team? Maybe that would be more fun for him.

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Some kids are just less motivated. So just keep pushing/forcing him to do things. I have found that more than 2 extracurricular activities can be a little much though. And Love has a good point. My daughter has the energy to do everything and anything. My sons have much less.

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I believe it's common for bright (or indeed all) children to lose motivation as they start school. The rewards (and school is a rewards-based system, rather than promoting intrinsic love of learning) are the cause. I recommend the book "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn to you strongly. Here is an interview with him that highlights the points of the book.

http://life.familyeducation.com/punishment/parenting/2946...

best to you and your family.

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I have noticed a little progress in my son's motivation around the house with this tactic.

Sometimes rewards aren't always that bad, after all, why do we work as adults? For the reward of money. So here was my solution to that issue because I hate the idea of rewards as well.

Last Christmas Santa brought us the Nintendo Wii. This was very exciting as it is our children's (ages 6 & 7) first video game. I was worried that once summer hit our son, who is total TV addict, would hound my to play constantly. So I created "Wii Money" it has their picture on it and they love that! Each dollar earns them 5 minutes of play time on the Wii (which is still limited to 30 minutes total at one time) and they earn it by doing simple things as getting dressed & putting their clothes in the hamper, brushing teeth & cleaning the sink out, feeding animals, etc.--anything I would normally have to hound them about. If they don't do it, they don't get paid. In addition, they have to pay me if behavior is poor. Also, they have a register they have to have balance out like a check book before they can play so it keeps math in their life throughout the summer.

Don't get me wrong, our son isn't off the charts Mr. Motivated doing everything every minute but I have noticed subtle changes--especially after there are days when he earns only $1 or none at all as there have been those days too~ But you could do this with TV time if you don't have video games.

Good Luck!

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Kids need down time to play and relax (read, draw, contemplate the bigger meaning of life).

We have a rule in our home- No playing or screen time until your work is done. Work is reading 20-30 mins, writing, and some math (over the summer). During the school year, no play until homework is done. That means no gymnastics either. Several evenings we sat in the car while work was finished. IF she misses warm up, she can't go. Message received the first time she missed class because of homework.

My daughter loves TV, but doesn't seem to miss it. She plays with her toys, draws pictures, uses her computer for educational websites (BBC Math games), and when she watches TV, she enjoys it.

Set limits...stop the rewards. If you must, let him earn his TV time.
Stephanie

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That is a lot of activty for a 7 year old. How are his grade? Does he like and do well in school? He may just be burned out. Plus when he come home he needs to his homework to. It may just be to much for deal with. Ask he about it. You may be suprised with the answer you get.
A.

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Hi R.,

I don't have any great advice but I will tell you your son sounds a bit like mine! He absolutely lives for rewards and getting things and if we use that for discipline, it becomes way too important and the main focus rather than doing the good behavior.

I wanted to ask you what is a "full time school"? I am desperately searching for alternative school options for my kids.

Check out http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ - How Not to Talk to Your Kids - The inverse power of praise.

Take a look at the comments that go with the article also.

I too have a son who seems to be unmotivated. I am currently reading a very interesting book that might be of interest to you. It is called Boys Adrift by Dr. Sax. He addresses 5 major factors of why our society today is seeing an increase of unmotivated boys and young men. I am in the middle of it right now so I really don't have advice. I just finished a chapter on video games - a real eye opener!!!
Good luck! (to all of us with unmotivated children!)

Hi R.,
Maybe he doesn't want to do other activities? I would limit his TV considerably, of course, and make him go outside to play. Sometimes being in school all day is enough of an obligation/responsibility for some kids. Imagine working all day then HAVING to go to additional classes or a second job. Possible burn out? Sorry I don't have more answers, I do know my best friend was having the same problem with her 5 yr old. Once they gave HER the choice, she decided she would rather play at home.
Sincerely,
L.

We have struggled with this with our 8-year old son, too. I finally decided that it was as much our fault as his. So this summer we switched from being a home of "rights" to one of "privileges." Previously, he could watch 1.5 hours of tv a day, but no more. Now, he must earn his tv time (up to the same limit) by reading, riding his bike, doing extra chores, and doing small summer assignments in a math workbook. No more guaranteed tv time (or video time, or whatever)! Also, we are much more consistent about enforcing his regular chores, like helping clear the table after dinner and helping empty the dishwasher. The idea that he is a valued and important member of our "team" seems to help keep him motivated. I can't say it's been an overnight success, but it really has helped move him (and us) in the right direction. Good luck!

No TV and No movies. That's a good start. You are in control of your home and he should know it. Your house, your rules.

Sit down with your son and make house rules with rewards and consequences. TEACH him that there are just some things each family member does because they are members of a family - no reward.

Please remember that children learn what we teach them and you need to teach him that everything in life has consequences( he will thank you later) and that there are many kinds of rewards(the internal one called pride).

Good luck but get that TV off and movies disappear for awhile. You are the parent and don't forget that.

Bless you

Turn off the TV until the kids go to bed, it ruins their creativity. They shouldn't need a reward system for doing chores. Only doing something extra special. Ask him what he wants to do.

R.,

Find his passion. For my daughter it is music and poetry, science (making creations in the kitchen) and art. She also loves constructing things like leggos and blocks. She is highly gifted in math but becomes bored from rote work quickly. Get him involved in activities that build his creativity. Make sure he has some down time to just do whatever. It's easy to get involved in too many activities. Limit TV to 1 hour a day. If he complains of boredom tell him to clean the dishes or the toilet :0)

My daughter never says she's bored anymore!

I hope this helps.

E.

Something that I tried with my sons was "The Ticket Game". Rather than being a reward system per-se...it is an earning system. They learn the value of money, saving, planning and also how nice it feels to be in a family where things are running smoothly and everyone is doing their part. You can modify it in whatever way works for your family. You can find it online and it has created a much more peaceful, less argumentative environment in our house. WHile they are getting tickets for their behavior, often they will forget about the tickets because what they are truly enjoying is the positive attention that they are getting for being a team mate within the family, rather than the negative attention they were getting before. It helps parents stay calm and focused rather than allowing themselves to get emotional, mainly because the system is so very clear and concrete for everyone concerned. The focus is on calmly taking the tickets away when a negative behavior is shown, and very enthusiastically giving tickets when they do what is on their list to contribute to the family. I have found it much more effective than praise and rewards...I don't think they work. This feels more "real life" as others have mentioned. WARNING: At first it may feel manipulative on their part...."what can I do to earn tickets?", but quickly the tickets become less of an issue and the excitement of earning things for themselves takes over! I have had their friends ask if I could teach their own family the system so that they could use it. It gives the kids the consistency, structure, and positive attention that they need and crave! No guessing game on either end!

Sorry for the ramble...I'm tired...hehe.
M.