C.L. asks from Indianapolis, IN on February 12, 2008
Lack of Acceptance of Family /Only Want to See Grandchild-what Do You Do?
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and we are best of friends. We are from different cultures and relgion but we both mesh together well and believe in the same things. In other words, we do not have any issues regarding coming from different backgrounds/religions. However, we have family members and some friends from my husband's side who from day one have not accepted our relationship. We have eliminated the friends who do not accept me being differnt but the family -well we are forced to see by virtue of family events. Over the last 10 years- I hoped that with time and patience there would be some acceptance -once they get to know me and that I have married my husband to enhance his live and not ruin it. Our son is of the same religion as mine (based upon our mutual consent by me and my husband). We continue to get grief, mean comments, angry outbursts and rude behavior almost at every event about our choice for each other and our relgious choices- in some form or another. I feel like I am about to give up the relationship because I cannot take it anymore. I do not talk back, ever get rude or say anything about their behavior because I do not want to create problems for my husband. I do get the point fianally that they will not accept me no matter what I do for them and no matter how hard I try. I have been told to my face that I am not accepted. My husband is okay w/ our decision of keeping our distance from them; however what do you do about a young grandchild of 5 being caught in the middle of family issues? They only want to see him and really do not in their hearts care for me? Even my husband says that -he feels the same- about the lack of acceptance.... Need help...
D.T. answers from Muncie on February 12, 2008
If your husband agrees, let him put his foot down. You are his choice, not theirs. If they refuse to accept you at least they can try and be polite and respectful to you as a person and if they refuse then refuse to let them have contact with your son. You do not want him exposed to that negativity. If your son asks why he doesn't see grandma and grandpa, you can tell him that they aren't nice to mommy and that's why you don't go over any more.
You've been together this long, don't let this divide you. You married him, you chose to love him, not his family. You need only tolerate them to help keep peace And if they can't at least do the same then then you might have to step back.
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L.A. answers from Cleveland on February 12, 2008
I hope that your husband sticks up for you to his family, as he should. If not, then I think a very serious chat needs to take place. You need to be completely honest with your husband on how you feel about his family. You can only take so much, and it sounds like your at your end of taking it. It's sad that you are treated badly. His family didn't marry you, he did, and as long as they see he is happy and taken care of, they should keep their mouths shut. I def. wouldn't let my child be alone with them without you though. You never know what they can be feeding his mind with about you.
I think whats really important is a very serious heart to heart with you husband, if you haven't done so already.
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M.C. answers from Indianapolis on February 12, 2008
I am sorry to hear that. Your son is a part of you and I am going to be honest here. If they can not accept you what makes you feel they are really going to accept him in the long run. I think you need to tell your hubby how you feel deep down and do not throw away 10 years because of them. They do not live in your home and if you allow them to push you away from your hubby then they win. They also win if they only have to see your husband and your son. If they can be a part of your life in a poative way then they do not need to be apart of his either. It is all or nothing. I can just imagin what would be told to him about you if you were not around. I would no longer allow my child nor myself to attend any functions until they grow up and realize that you have feelings and a right too. I am only passionate about this because I have a step brother whom is gay and I love him no matter what even though I do not believe in his life style I would never put him nor his boyfreind down because of it. I have actually asked people to leave functions because they bad mouth him. I think your husband also needs to know so he can stand up and lay the law to his family on your behalf. Good luck and sorry to hear that there are still people that do this to others when you love and care about one of theres so much.
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P.S. answers from Cincinnati on February 12, 2008
Awww...I don't know what to say except for good luck...Some old people can be so intolerant. I hate it. Whatever happens, as your son grows and becomes more aware, I would always be honest with him about the family. I would explain that the way they treat you is no fair and makes you very sad, so that makes it hard to be with them, and it's tough because families are supposed to have more fun together.
Take care- P.
K.N. answers from Cleveland on February 12, 2008
My MIL is the same way only it isn't religion she thinks i'm to strict with the children or more properly that her grandaughter should have different rules than the other three kids in the house because she is my step daughter. it's so bad that while she has an open invitiation to our home she has only seen her grandaughter once, at christmas, to which we weren't invited and had to beg an invite, in the past year. We arenot invited to family events and my children never have been , my husband is forced to choose between his family here and spending holidays with us or leaving us to go there, and when he doesn't he is keeping his daughter from her grandmother. it really sucks. the rest of his family is all we don't want to get involved but then they don't see her either and it isn't fair at all, she's only 6 and doesn't understand where the rest of her family went. truthfully though we were honest with ehr and she knows grandma is welcome ehre, and we jsut don't go anywhere that the entire family is not invited, makes for some sad holidays but our family is in this home and that is what matters most. sorry i don't ahvemuch advice but you by far are not alone.
S.C. answers from Fort Wayne on February 13, 2008
It seems like you have a wonderful marriage and an amazing husband. I understand that you want your son to know his paternal family, but I say forget them! You don't want your little guy to experience the same unacceptance you are experiencing. Chances are, at some point, they will become unaccepting of him, or they will try to turn him against you. I simply can't understand people who are that incredibly narrow minded. I say, stay away from your in laws all together!
T.H. answers from Terre Haute on February 13, 2008
I can relate to you and your child and husband. My in-laws have not accepted that I have married their son. They like me before but it was like "I took their baby boy away". It has gotten to the point that they always put the other grandchildren ahead of my 3 children. My husband and myself has always said that we would not put our children in such a unhealthy environment. Just becuase they don't like me I don't want them to talk badly to my children about myself. So my husband being the wonderful man that he is and he stands up for what he feels right and believes in. He told his parents that if they could not accept me as his wife that they would have to deal with it and move on. He does not tolerate them talking badly about me. He has told them that their way of living is not acceptable for our children. They have different rules for each grandchild.
You have to remember that you child will understand in the long run. My 8 year old is already seeing it. I do not talk poorly about her grandparents. She just hears what they have to say on the phone or when they stop by the house when I am at work. This is when My husband has to ask them to leave.
My 5 year old understand also. She always tells me that she wants to be in a home that she can feel the "love" around her. She says she can not feel the love when she is with His parents.
Children at young ages are a lot smarter than what we give the credit for. Do what you feel is best for your child. I have and I have no regrets. In the long run the way we see it is that the grandparents are going to be the one hurting because they missed out on the best years of our childrens lives. Just because they wanted to play high-school games.
Stand up for what you feel and believe is right for your own family.