Kindergarten Trouble

First off, I think you are brave and correct to say that if you are going through some issues in your marriage, it may be effecting your son's behavior. Kids see and hear a lot more than we give them credit for and they don't know the 'right' way to react to that information- so they act out somewhere else like school.

You mention that your son went to a private christian school for preschool. The routine there, curriculum, etc. may have been very different from his current school and he may be having a difficult adjustment- but that doesn't mean to give up on the school OR to blame him entirely. But it could definitely be a factor.

First off, ask for a meeting with the teacher. All the kindergarten teachers I know are really just amazingly sweet people who want nothing but to give their kids a great start in school and teach them to look forward to it. You don't say specifically what the issues with your son are, but if she has say, 15 kids in the class and your son is the one causing the issues, she is doing the right thing to contact you now and try to 'nip it in the bud'.

I don't know that punishing your son will do much good at this age. I would work with the teacher and talk to your son and try to figure out WHY he is misbehaving- especially if he was not doing so in preschool. Is the new work too hard or too easy for him? Does he miss his old friends? Or is he just a fidgety little boy (perfectly normal!) who is having trouble paying attention, etc.

Most kindergarten curriculum is geared around 'fun' as much as learning concepts. See if there is a particular subject your son IS paying attention to and learning well and talk to the teacher about why she thinks he is doing better with some things than others. Try to use the same approach for other things as well.

If they are just behavioral issues, you need to just keep repeating the Golden Rule of 'do unto others' to your child and ask him things like " Do you think Susie liked it when you pulled her hair? Do you think it hurt? How would you like it if she did that to you?" Use actual incidents and talk through them to get him to understand WHY he should not do whatever it is.

Most of all, keep the lines of communication open between you and the teacher. Be informed and if you are all acting together, I bet your son will adjust. This is a big change for him- hopefully he just needs some time and a little more supervision from you and your husband! Good luck!

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Kathy, Elizabeth's remarks about most kindergarten teachers wanting nothing but to give their kids a great start in school and teach them to look forward to it are very true. But Momma L has a good point too in saying that some teachers nitpick every single thing about certain kids but don't do it to others. My youngest son went through that in 4th grade with a teacher who was tired all the time from taking a night course. I got so tired of her complaining every time I saw her. If it wasn't his messy handwriting, it was putting his papers in his lap to write. (She didn't like that she couldn't see what he was doing, yada, yada.) I especially liked what Momma said about addressing that with the teacher. I wasn't forthcoming enough with my son's teacher, and I should have been.

My point here is for you to think about both sides and try to determine which one your teacher is. Can you sit in the class once a week for a couple of weeks and observe her with your son and the other kids? Perhaps "volunteering" in the classroom would be the way to go about it.

Good luck!
D.

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Dear Kathy:

I haven't had quite your issue, but I do have one suggestion. Even though I'm sure you'd like to keep any problems between your husband and yourself private, you do need to give the teacher a heads up on what's going on at home for your son's sake. This is affecting your son's behavior and the teacher will be a little more sensitive toward your son when he or she knows what's behind the behavior.

We did this with my daughter, who was a little older than your son, when I was facing a sudden health crisis and surgeries. The teacher thanked us for letting her know and was very sensitive and really helped.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

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Quick, get yourself a copy of the marvelous book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again.

It's my all-time favorite parenting book, and I use this approach all the time with my 4.5yo grandson. He almost never needs discipline or punishment, because the techniques and ideas are so mutually respectful, and they work because they show how to make the child part of the trouble-shooting "team." Because his thoughts and needs have been considered, he's eager to make "his" solutions work.

Kids love to be taken seriously and treated with respect. And if your son is acting out because of tension at home, this book offers sound techniques that can help him sort out his feelings.

I'm a little concerned about this teacher, though. Are these really serious breaches of behavior? Is she inexperienced, or has too large a class to deal with? It generally is far more effective to address unwanted behavior when it happens than for parents to try to fix it after hours. Would there be any way for you to go in and observe, or perhaps volunteer for part of the day? An extra parent can be a lifesaver for an overextended teacher.

Also, adjusting to Kindergarten is simply difficult for many kids, if it demands they sit still, stay quiet, and focus for longer periods than they are used to. Look for ways acknowledge and approve of your son's better days.

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I would volunteer one day with the class. It is great to see your child with the peers and see what is contributing to what.....I volunteer weekly and see a lot that parents that don't will never know about. Even if it is one time, a day off work, it may shed some light on the dynamics.

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My son had a teacher that did the same thing, called us in for every single thing he did wrong. She was right some times, but other times was way overreacting because other kids did the same thing, but she only reacted when my son did it. She really nitpicked every single thing he did, whether it was a behavioral issue or not. I even sat in on class one day and it was so blatantly obvious that he was being picked on.

I talked to her about this and some things that work with him, and also how I didn't appreciate her singling my child out all the time, and how that label had been affecting him. She took my advice and his behavior improved.

Also, yes, if things are rough at home, it can affect children's behavior. I hope everything works out for your family! Just continue to love each other, give and give each other a lot of respect!

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You don't mention what behaviors your child is getting in trouble for. That makes a big difference to me in what I would tell you to do. Do you know exactly what is happening or are you getting a generic complaint like "being disrespectful, not following directions, etc?" Those are 2 that are often used by teachers but don't really tell you the whole story. I would ask the teacher for a conference and sit down to discuss the exact behavior that is going on and if there are certain patterns to the misbehavior (always at the same time of day/near the same child, etc. Then, I would try to work together to develop a plan to help your child be successful. When you ask for the conference be sure to tell the teacher that you are doing this so you can help her to make your son successful in her classroom (that way she doesn't go on the defensive immediately). When parents and teachers work together without becoming defensive- things tend to go better. Once you try this, if it doesn't work I would look at other factors- is she asking them to sit still for too long at a time, is there another child that is "setting" yours off, does the teaching style not match your son's learning style, etc.

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I would suggest scheduling a meeting with the teacher to find out exactly what is going on. Ask if you can spend some time in the classroom as well to get a better feel for her expectations, the behavior of the rest of the class and your son's "role" in the classroom. It is entirely possible that this is the first time he is in a classroom of 20+ little people and needs some help learning to control himself and follow routines without continuous adult support.

You may also want to see if you could meet briefly with either the school social worker or psychologist. She/he may be able to help you and the teacher get a better feel for why your son is struggling and how to make the classroom a more supportive instructional match. Be honest about your marital situation.

I worked as a school psychologist for many years and will say this... if you are arguing your son knows it, even if you think you are keeping it to yourself. Kids pick-up on tension and stress, but lack the vocabulary and language skills (and courage) to outright state it. Having your son talk with someone at school may help you get a feel for how much your discord is impacting your son.

I had a student whose mother informed me that they were having a rough patch in their marriage, but assured me that they were keeping it from the kids. The son's version was quite different... they argue all the time! "How do you know?", I asked. "Because I pretend to sleep and then sneak down the stairs and listen". They had no idea how much he heard!

Talk with the folks at school. Aside from you, they spend the most time with him! It may just be that the Kindergarten teacher has very stringent behavioral expectations and that feeling support from you will help her "relax" them a little. Or... your son could be looking to pull your attention away from eachother... reach out. Those people are there to support you AND your child.

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I had to share a unique perspective here.
Our youngest has ADHD. The school was great, he worked on a reward system to keep his behavior in check, but every year he was getting sent to the principal's office more frequently. By the spring of 2nd grade it was more than once a week! We had no behavior problems anywhere else. Punishments weren't having an impact.
I finally set him down and asked how many other kids are being sent to the principal's office? "No one", he answered. I then asked why only he in the class was being sent, and why, so often?
My little fellow answered, "Because he (the principal) likes me best!" He thought it was a treat to go to the principal's office. He really liked the principal, they always greeted each other outside these visits, and our little fellow knew exactly how to "earn" these reward visits.
I talked to the principal and we decided to play good cop/badcop.
The very next time our son misbehaved to get sent to the principals office, the principal firmly told him he was going to have to call mom and explain exactly what he did wrong.
We were strict parents. I played bad cop and really read him the riot act on speaker phone - in front of his friend, the principal.
Our son was so ashamed of being corrected in front of a friend and so worried about having to call mom again - he was never sent to the principal's office againl He kept his social time with the principal before and after school!

On a serious note, problems at home affect kids so much more than most realize. It could help tremendously just to let the teacher know what is going on.

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Okay...so your son has been in kindergarten for a month and he's misbehaving. It's not the end of the world. Going to kindergarten is an adjustment for kids even if things are smoothe as silk at home. Boys typically have a little bit of a harder time.
I would work with the teacher based on what "misbehaving" means in your son's case. I would try to look at it as a good thing that the teacher is communicating wih you as opposed to the alternative and you not knowing until parent/teacher conference time.
Four "misbehavings" in a month? That's about one a week. I don't think that's too bad, personally.
I got around a call a week for my daughter until she was about in the third grade. She wasn't naughty, she was hilarious and even the teacher couldn't keep a straight face half the time so we had to work on her toning things down in the funny department. One day I was asked to meet with the teacher after school and thought "what now?" The teacher handed me a little tiny envelope. Inside was a dental crown that had broken off my tooth the night before that I was going to take to the dentist. My daughter took it to school for show and tell. The teacher thought I might need it back. This was only a couple of days after the teacher told me that they were learning about opposites and my daughter said something pretty was a bouquet of flowers and something ugly was her mom's hair when she gets up in the morning.
Great! Lovely picture my daughter painted of me...looking like hell in the morning and my teeth falling out.

Take a deep breath. It doesn't sound like your son is trying to stab other children with crayons or anything. Maybe let the teacher know there has been some tension at home recently. Not that it has to be the reason your son is misbehaving, but if she knows that, she might be able to work with your son in a different way in class.
It's my guess that your son is still adjusting and he will likely get into the swing of things in kindergarten. I have friends who are teachers and this really isn't that uncommon. To me, it doesn't have to be a drama or make you feel helpless. You want your son to behave, but don't be oversensitive about it or he will be too.

I wish you the best and believe things will work out okay.

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Our son has ADHD and I can tell you what's really helpful is to schedule a personal meeting with the teacher. Find out specifically what is going on, how this is different from other kids (it may not be) and whether the teacher has any suggestions for ways you can help end the bad behavior. What has the teacher seen work well with kids facing similar problems in the past? Be collaborative with the teacher and also share what is going on at home. If the teacher is aware of special situations and knows you're doing your best with your son, you may get some empathy and fewer calls.
ETA: If punishment isn't working, try rewards. We used a glass jar and filled it with marbles when our son would have a good day at school and remove marbles for bad days. We'd spell out the behaviors that were not ok and what was considered a "good day." He loved seeing the marbles go in the jar and he'd earn special things as the level rose (don't wait too long for the reward or this will lose impact ... say, after three great days at the beginning, he earns a trip to the park; a week, a trip to the frozen yogurt shop, etc.).

You are not alone. My son is in transitional kindergarten where he went to Pre-K (he missed the cutoff to start kindergarten) and has had some issues with his behavior. I have noticed the teacher is much more strict in his new class and there is a lot more work than play in his new environment. I finally asked him why he has been misbehaving and he was pretty much upset that he can't play legos most of the day like he did in Pre-K. We talked about being a big boy and learning can be fun too then gave him a positive incentive to work toward. He has a Toy Story small fold out bed that he loves to sleep on but I usually don't let him sleep at night on it. So every 3 stars he earns (the teacher gives him a star if he behaved that day) he earns a night to sleep on his special bed. It works great! Also you mentioned marriage issues. Your son may be picking up on the tensions at home and that may be adding to his issues at school. If he has witnessed you not getting along maybe some assurance that money and daddy haven't been getting along but we will work our differences out and be OK or something to that effect. Hang in there. Transitions, especially big ones, can be tough on kids.

i dont have a child in school yet but i have an eighteen month old and i think the problem is just that the teacher is stricter then u are i see the same thing with my daughter when shes at friends houses with me. im a pretty lax parents and there are things that she does that are perfectly acceptable with me at home that my friends dont allow at their house and slowly but surely she is picking up the differances and behaving accordinly. i would just talk to ur son and explain to him that the teacher has different rules then u and he has to follow them its only been a month so he probably just hasnt totally picked up on all of the differances yet. just be patient and make sure u dont mention in front of him that it could be the teacher nit picking if so he might pick up on this and start using it as an excuse anytime hes in trouble at school.

I read about a high school that was using a very effective method of punishing misbehavior - - instead of detention, they required parents to come in for one full day and "shadow" their kids. In Kindergarten, I doubt your son is committing "crimes" that deserve "punishment." Move to a reward system instead. Reward each good day - - a day where he brings home a star or green stamp or whatever. But also consider doing a 1-day "Shadow." Volunteer in his class for one full day. Observe teacher-student and student-student dynamics. If your gut tells you that something is not right with this teacher/class, ask to transfer to another teacher's class. Nip it in the bud before it affects your child's self-image and his attitude towards school.

Was pre K half day??? K is usually hard on boys(yes on boys), longer days, bigger classes, lots of other boys to get in trouble with:) Family situation also can play a huge part in it.........

All I can say is that your child is in kindergarten so unless it's something he would get in trouble for at home, the teacher needs to take a chill pill. I'm not saying to act as if your child is angel, but YOU are the only one who can advocate for them. Just because it's a teacher (or anyone else in authority for that matter) has an issue doesn't make it right.

There are consequences I have found however, I am not very liked at the school as I have no problems stepping in where needed. It seems we not allowed to question.

Oh my goodness. Exactly the same thing that happened with my son. I had to set time aside to meet with the teacher to better understand the issues he was having.
From there we worked out a plan and actually had a meeting where my son was present and we all talked about the "issues" and asked him why/what was going on and from there, we worked out a great three-way partnership (parent, teacher, kid) and he got happy faces everyday from then on.
Hang in there and take it easy on the discipline aspect and instead maybe focus a bit more on solutions that are win-win.
Good luck!

My daughter started new school recently and is behaving beautifully at school, which she loves, but an absolute gremlin at home. I posted here about it and was reassured that the change was probably causing it. Any change, even if positive, throws them off.

That said, could it be that your son is a little young or immature for what is expected in class?

I am so sorry about your marital problems. Hope things resolve for you soon.