Kind of Mommy

Updated on July 17, 2013
K.H. asks from Lufkin, TX
21 answers

When I went to my first ultrasound, me && my husband couldn't have been more excited. But as they were checking they couldn't find a heartbeat. They brought in 3 other doctors && it was confirmed that my baby did not have a heartbeat. It was only 8 weeks && 4 days. I understand I was not very far along, but this has been the hardest thing in my life to go through. All of my friends are either pregnant or have had their babies && I cant even stand to follow them on social medias because looking at how happy they look with their babies && me knowing I will never be able to hold mine is the worst feeling ever. I feel like I have no one that can relate to or talk to about it. Its due date was July 21, 2013 && is less than a week away. I really do not know what I should do. I would like to do something simple, something I can do to remember my baby. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for your support && advice. I LOVED that necklace && sent a picture of it to my husband to give him a hint. I also liked the idea of planting a tree. I'm hoping that I'll be blessed in the nearby future with another little one. && I am deeply sorry for those of you who have also lost your baby. Thank you again!

More Answers

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

You are not alone and I can so relate to you. My first child I miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks. My 3rd pregnancy I gave birth to my son who passed away when he was 17 days old. One thing that really helped me was to read books about misscarriage, still births and early infant death. The stories of others made me cry but made me feel less alone.
Just do whatever you need to do to get past the day and above all else be kind to yourself. <hugs>

Edit - Re: your post's title, you are a mother. Not "kind of". You can just feel the love you have for your child.

5 moms found this helpful

S.A.

answers from Chicago on

So sorry you're having a hard time. I had a miscarriage at the end of November, and my baby was due at the end of June. It has been a rough summer for me. One of my relatives just had a baby girl last week, and I cried all night. While I'm happy for her, I am so sad that I'm not holding my own baby. I thought I should do something in memory of my baby as well, and even posted a question about it on here. A lot of people suggested buying a special Christmas ornament to hang on the tree and things like that, but since my other kids never knew about it, I really can't do that. I decided to do nothing, but I know I will think 'what if' every year around this time. Hugs to you, and I hope that you find some peace in time. Check out BabyCenter.com. They have a page for moms who had miscarriages or infant loss. You might be able to connect there with other moms who had a loss at the same time.

5 moms found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Boston on

So sorry that you're going through this. As you get older, you'll get to know more and more people who have also experienced pregnancy loss. 10 years ago I didn't know anyone in my circle of friends who had a miscarriage and now I have a handful of friends who have gone through that heartbreak.

Anyway, one of my friends had 3 losses. I know that for at least one of them, she planted a tree on what would have been his or her due date. For one that she lost at 22 weeks, I found a vase that was inscribed with "planted on earth to bloom in heaven." It's probably been 5 years since I gave that to her and she just sent me a pic of it the other day and said that it's her favorite vase. So sometimes having something or planting something to commemorate your loss can be healing.

Again, so sorry that you're going through this.

4 moms found this helpful
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B..

answers from Dallas on

You are a kind of Mommy and you can post here as long as you want.

Along with other books, you might want to give "Heaven is For Real" a quick read. There is a story in there that really might touch your heart and let it heal a bit.

4 moms found this helpful
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C.M.

answers from Chicago on

Take your time to grieve, no need to look at your friends and their babies or pregnant bellies. Just take some time off of social media.

Definitely get some books or join a support group. It is SO HARD to lose a baby, no matter when you lose it.

I like some of the other ideas. Plant a tree or do something meaningful to celebrate your little one in heaven. Also know that we on Mamapedia are grieving right along with you.

4 moms found this helpful
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P.K.

answers from New York on

So sorry for your miscarriage. Take the day to grieve, if you must. You will never forget, but ou will move on. If you cannot, you need to find a counselor to talk to.

There is something to be said about the old days. Docs would not see you until you missed your second period. A lot of times, we got our period. We're we pregnant who knows. Now people find out before their period is missed. Ao it magnifies ecerything. The statistics are something like 25% of all women have a miscarriage at some point. I prefer the old way. We did not have ultrasounds. You waited until you were around 16 weeks to hear heartbeat. I do not think that we have more babies born without problems, just that you know of possible problems and spend the time worrying. In some instances, knowledge is a big help.

On the plus side for you, and I know it is hard, is that you were able to get
Pregnant. Good luck and hopefully one day soon you will report you have a baby due.

3 moms found this helpful
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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I'm so sorry you are going through this heartbreak. This is a very painful and difficult time. I do know this personally. You do need an outlet for these feelings, and your friends may not be able to understand or relate at this time. Finding a counselor who deals with pregnancy loss or a support group can truly be helpful. Often, our losses are about more than the baby, they are about our hopes, our goals and aspirations for the future, and can rock the foundations of who we think we are as people. Seeking support will really be a help to you going forward.

As for remembering your baby, when I had my second miscarriage, I chose to commemorate that baby with a ring and to write the baby a letter which I then let go into moving water. With my third miscarriage, a friend gave us a plant to put in the yard to honor that pregnancy. It all depends on what feels meaningful for you.

3 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Kirb:

Welcome to mamapedia!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can tell you from losing 3 babies...the worst was losing at 22 weeks.

People can relate. It's really hard to hear their stories right now. Please know you are not alone. It does get better. the hardest dates will be the day you lost your baby and the due date.

One day at a time. There are support groups for you.

You will not forget your baby. But over time, you will find it doesn't occupy every moment of your life. If it is consuming every moment of your life? You need to seek professional help. This happened seven months ago and while everyone grieves differently, at seven month it should not be consuming every aspect of your life.

I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was for me to get over my losses. The first one was 9/7/01...and on 9/10/01, I had a DNC. I was 13 weeks. I found out I was pregnant again Thanksgiving weekend 2001. I had my second son in July 2002 - he was pre-mature by 4 weeks - stopped breathing - flat lined in my arms - I was a mess. He is now 11 years old. I got pregnant in late 2003 (October) and lost that baby on February 27, 2004. I got pregnant again in July and lost that baby in September. Two losses in one year. It was debilitating. Down right debilitating. now, here I am 9 years later...still living...still breathing...still loving...

YOU CAN DO THIS... it's not easy...i told you my story so you can see - people live through this. It changes you. But you DO live through it.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you!

3 moms found this helpful
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D.S.

answers from New York on

The same thing happened to me my first pregnancy. There were no words, except to say how sorry I am for your loss, and I do understand. I felt so many emotions, sadness, anger, jealousy of my other friends. All normal. Allow yourself to grieve. I was able to have two beautiful healthy children after my miscarriage, and I am sure you will too. Once you start sharing your story with people you will be surprised at how many women have gone through this and how common it is. Doesn't make it any easier but it does give hope, and make you feel like you are not alone. Best of luck!!

3 moms found this helpful
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K.S.

answers from Hartford on

I am so sorry.When i was pregnant back in 2004,we went to the ultrasound and found out i miscarried.I would of been pregnant with my 4,but things happen for a reason.The babys due date was July 19th 2004.She would of been 9 in 3 days.
So sorry for your loss

3 moms found this helpful
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S.F.

answers from Fargo on

I am so sorry that you are hurting. My sister had an early miscarriage as well, and she now wears a mother and child pendant necklace as a way to remember her baby. http://www.jared.com/en/jaredstore/mother-and-child--174%...

My heart hurts for you! Hugs.

2 moms found this helpful
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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

Do whatever feels right to you. An early loss is still a loss and still hurts. Hugs.

2 moms found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm so sorry. The same exact thing happened to me once, I know how it feels. Keep trying, you will have your baby.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

I am sorry for your loss. You are not alone. There is a support group in Texas for mom's and dad's who have had miscarriages or experienced neonatal loss. And the website is www.mend.org You will get some good ideas on how to cope with your loss and remember your baby from some of the other parents that have experienced a loss. There are also some interesting articles and resources that may helpful too. Perhaps there is a support group that meets near you. Be easy on yourself-take one day at a time. Hugs.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.S.

answers from Austin on

Lots of hugs. My SiL went through something similar except she lost hers a little further along. She was depressed last week because her baby would have been celebrating it's second birthday. On top of that she hasn't been able to get pregnant. I don't think you can ever get over something like that when it meant so much to you. Have a quiet evening with your hubby and some time to remember your baby.

2 moms found this helpful

S.M.

answers from Dallas on

I had a very similar situation, and I went to counseling for a short while afterwards. It really helped me a lot. I want to share with you that you can have Post Pardum (sp?) depression after a miscarriage. Which I was not aware of, and learned that that was what I was going through after my loss. I did not need medication at the time but I wasn't against the possibility of it if it had gotten any worse, but I worked closely with my councilor to make that determination. Please get help if you feel you need it. As far as honoring you lost child, my friend gave me a carving by Willow Tree (I think is the brand) of an Angel holding a baby, which honored my loss. I would have never thought that it would have made such a lasting impact on me but it did. After this I did have another child and someone else gave me a carving of a family, a dad holding a baby and a mom with two other children around her (which perfectly represented our family). I display these two carvings together because it is so real to our family and honors our loss.

Also, there is a support group called MEND (Mothers Enduring Neo-natal Death) that is very good. They support mothers/families of babies lost thought miscarriage or shortly after birth. You can google them and find some support there as well.

I apologize if any of this is a repeat I didn't read your other responses yet.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.L.

answers from Dallas on

Very sorry for your loss... an early loss is still very hurtful. Please try again... don't give up. There are so many of us that have struggled with this and now have families. So many of us have "been there". So celebrate your friend's good news... that's one less of us to struggle. Every one who "has it easy" is one less of us to worry about, but keep trying and one by one we can all become parents by birth or by adoption. The journey has really made me so much more grateful and focused on my daughter... who is now in high school... she was one of 9 pregnancies and was my only live birth... and she's sooo worth it. My thoughts and prayes go out to support you on your journey.

2 moms found this helpful
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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am so sorry you're going through this. I think planting a tree is a wonderful idea. It will always give you something nice to look at and to remember your baby. The 21st will be a very hard day, but you will get through it. Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to and lean on those around you for support.

Take a break from Facebook for awhile. I understand how hard it is to see the things your friends are posting and I think it will help you heal if you just stop reading for a couple of weeks.

Finally, you may want to visit the website www.facesofloss.com Many women share their stories of loss, but others share their stories of hope. There are always ways to connect with people who will be very understanding to exactly what you're going through. I have heard from many moms that this site helped them get through their loss.

Sending you hugs!

1 mom found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

It's hard. My sister lost a boy at about 8 months then in another pregnancy she lost twins at about 5 months, her body was just too small to carry them any further. Her last pregnancy was considered high risk so she went to the doc every week. Sometimes it was twice per week.

I know others who have lost baby's too. It's really hard and my heart breaks for you.

1 mom found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

I'm so sorry, K.. You'll never forget your little angel.

Please consider joining a support group. There certainly are plenty of people who have gone through this, and it's important that you have people to help you through it.

Hugs~

1 mom found this helpful
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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

I am sorry for your loss. It does happen, It happened to me. My mom said it was an unhealthy baby inside a healthy body and god took him/her home. That helped alot. You would be suprised how many people this happens to, most people keep quiet, until someone says something. Hugs to you. Hopefully soon you can get the news you have been waiting for.

Plant a tree in memory and you can put a little stone with info on it. I know that this is hard, but new life is new life.

1 mom found this helpful
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