Kids *Trading* Their toys...and Being Unthankful

Yes. I think it's something that a lot of kids do. It's not that he doesn't appreciate what you've given him, but there is fun in the trade. Like baseball cards - they get traded all the time. It's not a reflection on their appreciativeness, it's just something they do - like trading stocks. As he gets older, he'll start thinking about the monetary value and his trading skills will hone.

I think you and hubby have blown this way out of proportion - it's just a thing kids do - no reflection on anything else.

My kids sometimes trade toys because it's fun to have new things and to give their things away. I don't look at it as them being ungrateful, but being creative enough to find their own way to get what they want. However, I highly discourage it because, like you, I'm not sure the price equals out and I try to buy them what they want...not random things. So if they ask for it, they may get it. I don't get them things they don't ask for though. So they should want what I buy.

As for fun activities, we try to keep that to a minimum because we are so busy with their sports and all. I'd really like to take them bowling tomorrow night, but that depends on how many hours my accounting homework takes me.

They know that they don't get things for free though...good behavior and manners goes a LONG way towards earning treats. They know not to ask to buy things in stores because we don't. I took the kids to a museum in Raleigh this weekend and we entered and exited through the gift shop - not one peep about wanting the cool looking toys! I was proud of them.

So maybe I'm looking at it differently, but I think it's more of the fact that he's trading because it's fun. Do you think maybe that's his motivation? Or did you ask him why he's doing it and explain to him why you have an issue with it? I find that when I'm honest with my kids about things, I get a lot further with them with very little arguement.

ooh F.!!! I hear you!!!

YOU GO MAMA!!!

Last year I had posted on here something like "hold me back mama's" - as Greg seemed to think that if he broke something - we would just go out and buy a new one. Uh no dude.

So now? (and you know why) we have stopped all unnecessary spending. If they don't "NEED" it? We don't buy it. We rent movies instead of buying them. If they break a toy - it gets thrown in the trash. If they leave it on the floor and I've told them to CLEAN UP? IF I touch it? It gets donated or sold on ebay.

So yeah - they are starting to value their things a tad bit more as they see how serious we are about it. They realize the cost of things. If they want something BAD enough? They have to buy it with their money. Now I hear:
"Man - that's expensive" and if they REALLY want it (Greg wants an Ipod Touch for his birthday) and showed him the $200 price tag? he said - oooh that's a lot. I said YEP!!

Having them, especially at age 9, pay for their own things - makes them really change their tune on stuff!! Hold firm mama!!

As to the "trading toys" - we don't allow it. I know it's "mean" but really. If I haven't spoken to the mother directly about the "trade" - it is NOT happening. PERIOD.

If my kids trade a toy or want to... they ALWAYS ask me first, if they can.
They don't do this because I ordered them to do it.... they know, they just need to ask me first.
If they do want to trade, I make REAL sure, that they understand, that they are giving their toy... to someone else. To keep. So, if it is a favorite or beloved toy.... it is best not to. Because they may regret it.
And, trading of toys, is also age related per them understanding the ramifications of it.

My kids have lots of toys. Mostly given to them as gifts.
They appreciate it. They treasure it. Just because they want to 'trade' a toy... it does not mean they don't appreciate it. The 'trading' of toys... is childhood and "fun" for them too. I remember doing that as a kid too... with my marbles.

I don't expect my kids to trade things based on "cost." But I expect them to understand the reasons for them trading it... or not. ie: evaluating their feelings on it and KNOWING if they will be fine, with never having that toy again. And I will not buy a replacement for them, of that same toy. So they have to be SURE, about trading it. Once its gone, its gone.

I dont know if trading transformers is ungrateful. I think maybe he is just happy to have a friend who likes to play with them too, and has them as well. Trading them sounds more like he is just wanting to play with different ones. And it works out for you and for the friend. The friend gets to play with different ones that he doesnt have and so does your son. And you dont have to keep buying them. They can just borrow each others and play with them. Sounds like a win win to me.

Yikes!
For a $40 toy I will also keep an eye in the trading OR just plain tell him that tradings are allow on toys under $X unless dad or you agree (which the should don't ask in front of others btw).

To me trading is not much sign of unthankfulness but actually quite smart, fun and it teaches them about cost and demand, great thing that I don't think they teach at school.

Anyway, the other stuff you mention is hard to advice because I know you have good kids, and perhaps they just haven't have the "need" or opportunity to be thankful.
They are good kids so you don't have problem giving them stuff so they don't know what is not to have it, no sure if I explain well?

But you are the mom and you know exactly what is going on and what it needs to be done, so I can tell you what I did when I went through something like that.

I gave my oldest daughter an allowance, and I told what ever extras she wants it will come from it.

Well, it works, or backfire me, no sure. She's careful with what she has, she is thankful when I get extra stuff for her BUT she now doesn't spend on anything.

She hasn't gone the movies in a year, don't use accessories anymore, doesn't get her nails done (she does them at home) no hair cuts, etc, etc.
She already has around $1,000 (and we don't give her that much allowance)

Perhaps I should learn from her!

I wouldn't have a problem with trading, as long as there wasn't a HUGE difference in value among the items.
When I was little we traded all the time, especially hot wheels cars and Barbie clothes. It was a fun and free way to get new stuff!

As far as the ungratefulness goes, I think the best way to teach that lesson is by 1) constantly pointing out how lucky you are and 2) making movies and other "extras" something the kids can EARN.
I have always told my kids, over and over, we are so lucky to have such a nice house, to have such a great big loving family, to be able to go on wonderful vacations, etc. I'm sure they got tired of hearing it but I'm also sure that the message has seeped into their heads over the years :)

It's totally normal at this age. My oldest son, from grades 3-4, traded any and everything. He wasn't into Pokemon like a lot of kids used to be but he was very much into Star Wars Lego Mini Figs. I think they sell them separately now but for anyone who remembers this craze from 5+ years ago, you used to have to buy an entire Star Wars Lego set (many of them are $100 or more) to get the little guys. There was something else they used to trade too but I can't recall what it was.

As long as he's not taking advantage of the other boy (I would think that with the other boy having new stuff that his are more valuable but I could be wrong), and the other boy is OK with it, I say let them trade. If you really don't like it, then have them put their initials on them with a Sharpie and "borrow" each others instead. But really, trading is very common at this age.

I don't really see how the trading of toys is related to them being ungrateful, but it is good and healthy to re-set their expectations so that they don't feel entitled to things. My kids get gifts for birthdays and Christmas/Hanukkah and that's it. We do have a lot of things, but that's because we have 4 kids (3 boys) so the items multiply. Movies are a treat, and even clothes beyond the basic necessities are gifts. So by all means, scale back if you think they're getting entitled.

Trading toys? why complain?

I don't think he is "un-thankful" FOR trading his toys, he is practicing a valuable skill for adulthood. He is practicing kid-level economics. Her is learning how to barter and will learn value... Instead of making this something to get upset about, set him down and try to explain the VALUE, and fair trade. Explain to him that is doesn't make sense to trade a more valuable toy for a less valuable one...

Any toys YOU are especially attached to or are very valuable, tell him he cannot trade, and show him which toys he can trade... you may want to put the valuable toys away.

As far as the movies go, maybe he just didn't like it! Young kids say how they are feeling right now, and don't usually have the insight to realize that sometimes saying what you feel is going to hurt someone elses feelings.

For example, if your husband treated you to a day at the spa, and you ended up with a rash from the facial, a bad haircut, and had a miserable experience... When asked "did you like it?" you would tell hubby "Yes it was great, I just loved it, thank you so much!" (even though privately you'd be thinking 'ugh- worst spa ever!') But kids don't really learn what to keep to themselves until they are a little older. To him, he just doesn't realize that YOU feel like you did something nice for him and it hurts your feelings when he complains. He isn't TRYING to be ungrateful, and he probably was happy he went to the movies with you... but didn't know that he was 'supposed to' enjoy it- whether he liked it or not!

If you want him to learn to be more considerate tell him how YOU feel when he says these things. Kids have to learn compassion through relating to others. When he says "the movies were too loud...and the popcorn too greasy.." say, "well I am sorry you didn't have everything as you wanted it but it makes me feel sad when you say you didn't like the movie, because we were really trying to give you something special... wouldn't you be sad if you did something special to make us happy and we didn't like it?"

Also, you could have him work for the thinks he wants. instead of just GETTING him a new bike, tell him if he really wants a new bike, her can earn it. Have him do chores or tasks above and beyond what he is now expected to do. you could even give him a jar and make some "bike bucks" on the computer worth different amounts of money... when he earns enough "bike bucks" to 'buy' a bike- he can go buy one with you! Good tasks could be... cooking dinner earns $5 or $10, washing the car, lawn mowing... you could also consider seeing if he could volunteer at a nursing home, animal shelter, or soup kitchen. Seeing other people or animals with real NEED may help him relate that he has a lot to be grateful for.

And try to make sure you are acting thankful for what YOU have. It is easy to get angry and list all the "bad things" in life, and kids will mimic that behavior. But if you often say "wow I am so lucky to have such a great family, home, good food to eat, thoughtful husband, caring kids, wonderful experience... etc..." he may find himself reflecting on what HE has that is so great in his life!

Good Luck
-M.

Ditto S.H. and then some.

I don't detect unthankfulness as much as a developing tendancy toward coveting things he doesn't have. This could turn a good friendship into one where he is taking advantage of his friend...and this could become a learned behavior with future relationships.

I suspect he's doing this because he has no money or allowance to buy these things on his own. So, I'm guessing he's talking his friend into trading his brand toys so he can have it for his own. Consider this coveting a form of jealousy because his favorite friend has these cool new things those Transformers are now absolute must-haves. This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like what he already has or what you give him, but it just might mean he thinks the only way to get one of his own is to trade (sacrifice) something of his own that he is not as attached to. Believe me, it's a sacrifice in his mind to part with an older Transformer.

To some degree his friend is probably thrilled to get his hands on some Transformers too that may not be in the stores anymore...but he's probably deep down not happy to part with his new gets. He's not going to say it, but who wants someone's old has beens? The bad thing here is his friend is probably going along with all of this to gain the approval and friendship of your son, not because he's ready to part with his cool brand new Transformers. Worse yet, I'll bet his mom doesn't know and she'll have a fit after spending all of that money to find out her son has been "trading" them for older Transformers.

The boys probably don't realize this will all turn sour in time. Someone is bound to feel cheated, get angry, or feel betrayed. They think right now everything is fair because people are getting things they think they want.

They probably both need to be brought to the understanding that is a mild form of bribery and stealing. You might do them both a favor and explain to them that they might be happier just coming together and sharing their things, but bringing home their own rightful things at the end of the day because they were given to them by their parents as gifts not meant to be traded.

Tell your son if he wants the same Transformers he doesn't need to trade old ones, but can earn an allowance for example and buy his own. Make him give back the new Transformers to his friend. It is wrong that he has them.

Explain that his friend only gave them to him because he likes him and wants him to continue liking him. Say that friendships should be because you like the person, not because of what they can give you or because of what they have that you think you can somehow use for your own good or needs. Those toys were a gift to him from his mother...say his mother would be hurt and sad if she found out what had happend.

If you're comfortable, tell the friend that he shouldn't feel he needs to buy friends by giving or selling things that are valuable to him. Real friends don't need to do that. Things are not more important than the happiness of our friends.

Tell your son his friend will be very happy if he gives them back, and hopefully will give back your son's toys too. You may want to give the friend's mom a heads up so she can ensure all of your son's toys are returned.

Reading your follow-up, I'd add that your best bet might be to start making him earn gifts through chores and good grades. Self-entitlement starts when people are handed things just because. He will learn the value of things and to appreciate them if has to work for them in an honest and fruitful way.

GL

My son likes to do this as well. I never thought about him having the "i don't appreciate it attitude"..its more of a fun thing to do because you kind of get something new for free (in the mindset of a kid). But he did trade a $5 lego man for a lego bike (not sure on the cost but don't think it could of been much for than $5) and the other Mom threw a fit. We ran in to her the next day at school and she demanded the kids trade back. I thought it was a little ridiculous but everyone is different, I guess.

Here are our rules on trading:

1. You never trade toys with a friend. People change their minds/forget that they traded. They also, at a certain age, don't realize that the idea of trading is intended to be rather permanent. Furthermore, in the mind of the person who likes the trade, it is permanent. In the mind of the dissatisfied person, it is only a temporary loan. Either way, it's trouble, and it's not allowed in our home.

2. Trades with siblings are subject to parental approval. An older sibling trading with a younger sibling is required to do so as a trial run (a week or two), which is usually sufficient time to show that the younger sibling had no idea that the trade was permanent (you know, the next day when the younger kid is crying because he/she wants their toy back and older sibling won't relinquish it?). With siblings past the point of "temporary" trades, we have instituted "trade contracts". This is typically for something like trading one matchbox car for another. The kids have to both sign a paper describing exactly who is trading what, with a parent as the witness. We keep them in the file cabinet for any dispute settlements necessary. While this may sound complicated, it has saved a lot of headaches when it comes to the inevitable argument over who really traded what (especially since mom can't readily identify most matchbox cars; the descriptions really help). They are able to dissolve their trade contract anytime they want to. It may sound silly to some, but it has worked great for our boys.

I didn't get why most parents don't allow it around here until my daughter did it. She ended up getting taken advantage of and that is one reason we do not allow it anymore.

Put rules/limits on the trades - they WILL happen with your approval or not.