Kids Savings

Remind her of the original agreement. If she still wants her mom to monitor it tell her that that was not part of the agreement and you can not and will not do that. You may be a b**** in her mind for a while but she need to learn that some agreements are NOT negotiable. You follow the terms of the agreement or there is no agreement. Good luck.

Ah, teenagers.

I'd reiterate the original deal was that you would match what she gave you here and there and that it was for college/car.

This account was between the two of you, not you and her mom. If she doesn't want to handle the account with you, then that's fine, but that's her choice. If she doesn't give you the money, then it doesn't get matched. Also, $100 here and there doesn't mean "give me three paychecks and I'll match them." If you still want to match, then match as you can and remind her that you can't financially swing all that money at once. Her failure to put money aside little by little doesn't constitute an emergency now on your part.

Now, you can either decide to do this even though her mom is buying a car and consider it "college money", or you can say that since her mom is buying the car for her, the original purpose of the account is void.

My husband has a joint account with my stepson so he can give stepson money for books, pizza, etc. Stepson knows that he isn't to come to us asking for shampoo or laundry detergent. He's 19 now and should buy his own. That's why his father gives him a bit of money. This account with your stepdaughter could be like that - a little extra for the little extras.

Remember, ultimately it's up to you. You aren't legally obligated to make up for her parents. You're just being really nice, and if she doesn't appreciate it, you don't have to do it. And I'd limit it. I wouldn't go on and on indefinitely because she IS earning her own money and will be getting a car from her mother. Don't be the Bank Of Stepmom, especially if she's disrespectful to you. Don't let her take advantage.

This has turned into a game of "He said - She said". The girls mother might be trying to get money out of you by going through her daughter. It would help (although it might not be possible) to get everyone together and clear the air about all the money. The daughter should know what happened to her collage money and her father should tell her. If their divorce was not amicable, both her father and mother might still be holding a big grudge with neither side telling the exact truth. The girl trusts her mother (does she trust her father?), but you and her father do not. There are too many stories here and at least 4 people not communicating well.

Sounds like maybe she let her mom in on your deal and now they are scamming you. The step daughter may not even realize it. I think you should explain to her and to her mother that this was YOUR deal w/ her to help her because of what was going on and that if the mother is going to buy the car then let that be. You can still help her save money for something else important. If nothing else it can be money to use for college or an important trip or new school clothes...make it something small and not so large as a car.
Hope this helps.

I would personally let her do what she wants but i would take out the money you have offered. I think this was a bad choice to offer to give her money knowing how her mother is. She was bound to do this at some point and with her age she's allowed. OF COURSE she is going to take her mothers side. I would say she can have the money she has added and i can have my money back. The stipulation to you offering the money is that you will go with her to buy the car and end it at that. If she wants the money she will stay with you on it. Don't give in.

I would back out of this deal. You stepdaughter is manipulative. Furthermore, she is not your problem as you have two young children of your own. I'm sure that you had the best intentions in mind, but if she's this disrespectful toward you, matching her account will not change things. Furthermore, she's 18, and she's working. She should be able to handle her own money.

As far as your husband is concerned ("Her father wasn't part of the original deal and doesn't understand"), he needs to step up to the plate and take more responsibility for HIS daughter. Obviously, there are some dangerous family dynamics in the works, which are affecting you. Stay clear of it and think of your own children, as they, too, will need college funds and cars.

I would stick to the original plan and when you see the money going into your joint account, then you can start matching the money. You need to stick to your guns because the stepdaughter is manipulating you, her mother and her father. I will say this though, my neighbor has a college aged step daughter and she has tried for years to help her monitarily and it has never been enough. She now limits her help to supporting her by attending concerts, having her stay over at the house for a week or two etc. No more money. For years, she tried to do the right thing but always failed, the stepdaughter was never happy or her mother got involved and sent everything straight to h***. Good luck but don't let this child manipulate you.

I would ask when she found out her mother was buying the car, and talk about the origional deal. Find out if there was a misunderstanding or manipulation (by either the mother, the step-daughter, or both). Then make a decision based on that information. It might also be good to remind the step-daughter that her mother's origional plan had the daughter working for all of the money, and if she wants to trust her mother's judgement, then she shouldn't even be asking for you to match any more. If a new plan needs to come in, then I'd put the money in an account that only you have access to, but show the daughter the statements, etc, and then you won't have to worry about the mom getting the money, or the daughter even giving it to the mother.

This all sounds a little fishy to me. I would hold tight to your money and leave her mother out of it.

Why do you have to match the amount she gives you anyway? She is an adult, getting a paycheck, and getting a tax return. I think she needs to be more responsible.

You need to sit down with your step daughter and your husband and sort all of this out. Make an agreement that is more realistic. Good luck!

Hi C.,
I see you have your hands full. This is a situation where you need all of the parents to work together. Big decisions like cars and college money should be handled by the parents, not the kids. Talk to the mother (either you and your husband or just your husband depending on the relationship with his ex) and come up with a plan to help her get a car. Decide how much the kid is to put in and what price of car to get, then divide the remaining cost between the parents. Don't stress yourselves financially, be realistic in what the parents can contribute. Also, who is paying for the insurance? Don't forget the boy will be driving soon. A plan needs to be made. Will they share the car or will this be an issue again. Once you have a plan with the mother and have all of the parents on board, tell your step-daughter that this is the new plan. The parents have agreed, end of story.

When I got divorced I told the kids their job is to be kids, our job is to be the parents. A lot of stress comes when kids have to do the talking between the parents that should be handled by the parents. It puts stress on them and is a way for the kids to manipulate. Hey, who wouldn't try to work the angle? They didn't ask for this. Even when/if the kids realize the parents weren't happy together, they still feel a little jipped. It's their right.

Now the bedroom issue is tricky. I would say that if they don't come regularly they can share a bedroom. That way it is their reserved space, but not two rooms. Let them pick sheets and paint but let them know there are 4 kids who need space. Reason with them respectfully, explain your situation and why this is what seems fair. Let them have input too. Maybe they have a better idea that would work. Teenagers are hard, but you need to build a respectful relationship so you can all enjoy each other. A counselor is not out of the question if you have ongoing issues. It can really help.

I hope this helped some. I have two girls (almost 16 and 18) and a boy (2). The girls have a step brother (11) and a half sister (4) at their father's house. So, I know it's hard to blend it all together, but we've been doing a pretty good job of it. One last piece of advice, NEVER talk badly about their mother in front of them. I know it's HARD!
Good luck!

Being a stepdaughter myself I find it sad that so many moms think your sd is being "manipulative" and "sneaky". She is in a very difficult situation with Mom saying one thing, Stepmom saying another and Dad confused about the whole situation. You, of course, would be the best judge of her character.

I would honor your original deal and have her give you the money as initially agreed upon. If she's unwilling, then the deal is off. No need for you to bad mouth Mom or worse yet, contact Mom. Also, it's important for you to honor your side and give her the money for a car or college. Had you agreed on how it would be spent? Will you be writing checks, or just giving her free reign of the account? That may be something you need to work out as well. My opinion is that once you give her the money it is hers to spend. Hopefully wisely and with your help, but that is a risk you will have to decide to take.

Furthermore, I would like to commend you on helping your sd financially. It's very generous of you! Good luck!

I am sure you do not have a lot of money and she is old enough to understand (or should be) that money does not grow on trees. You have two little ones that you also have to plan for. I agree with the previous poster - I would be very careful with what money you give her, sit down with her and Dad and apologize for the confusion but clearly tell her that your plan was to assist with overwhelming expenses for her not to be her sugar momma! Be stern on this one and just let her know what your true intentions were. I would not just hand money over to her. It would actually be a good thing for her and her Dad to go car shopping and find something within her budget together. Best Wishes

hi C.,
you are doing an awfully nice thing and your SD is being sneaky. she will doubtless be pissed, but hopefully when she grows up a bit and sanity returns she'll see that she was trying to screw you over and that you sticking to your guns was the correct thing to do. or maybe she won't. but either way, you should absolutely hold to the original deal, the $ goes into an account that your name is on, and you will only match money that she gives you in reasonable increments, AND you will withdraw the money with her when it's time to buy the car or pay for college, but that's it. if she doesn't like the deal, no harm. she's welcome to save and spend her own money any way she (and her mother) want. simply reiterate the original deal and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to continue with it. don't negotiate.
khairete
S.

I think what you are doing is very sweet & thoughtful that being said I think you should stop doing it she is very unappreciative of what you are doing for her not to mention how disrespectful she has been to you & your family regarding this & other family issues. I have not responded to your other post yet so I am going to do that here in one post since it ties in to her being disrespectful. I would do what you feel is best for your family. If you think making her bedroom in to a playroom is the best thing for your family than I would do it & not worry about if you upset her it is not like she is coming over all the time & she needs a room of her own. I also think that you need to sit down with your husband & stepchildren & set up some house rules & let them both know what is expected of them when they are in your home. You have not said if you are having problems with your stepson or not but I would set the rules now before he has a chance to cause you any trouble.

You had an arrangement with your step-daughter only. If the other mother is getting involved, this breaks the deal and you are not obligated to give payment. AF